Infidelity solution: penalties or trust

[Danielle000]

My boyfriend is worried that i could be unfaithful to him in the future since i had cheated in a past relationship.  I told him i realized i made a terrible mistake in the past and that I have no intention of cheating ever again.  I never cheated on him.  He asked me whether i would be willing to make a solemn oath of fidelity before God. In the oath, i would say that if i ever cheated on him, i accept that a spell of back luck and tragedies would follow me for the rest of my life and beyond.  He is willing to take the same oath himself.  He says i have nothing to lose if i do not intend to cheat, and that i should be happy he is willing to take that oath himself.  I see his point, but somehow it makes me uncomfortable.  I told him that in a relationship we must learn to build trust, and that it is not healthy to rely on the fear of penalties instead of genuine trust. Am i wrong?  He says this is important to him and without some reassurance he does not feel at ease to make a deeper commitment to our relationship.  Thanks for your thoughts. 

[FMW]

19 minutes ago, Danielle000 said:

i accept that a spell of back luck and tragedies would follow me for the rest of my life and beyond.

I think that's nuts. 

I understand him having some concerns about whether or not you might cheat on him since you cheated on someone else.  But if he wants to be with you, that's something he has to work through for himself and either learn to trust you or let you go.  This oath isn't going to make any difference.  My thought is that he's probably always going to be suspicious of any little thing and need more assurances and promises.  Sounds miserable for both of you.

If I were you I would seriously reconsider staying with him.  

[mark clemson]

A few thoughts -

A) Yes, it does sound weird. It sounds like he feels the need for "assurances" that go a bit further than normal marriage vows.

B) My view would in part be that it's up to God (not to your BF) to decide whether to actually bind you to such an oath, should you take it, and/or to dictate any consequences. 

C) Is "fidelity" only that you'll never cheat or that you'll never leave him/divorce. IF you believe in the validity of such an oath, then depending on the intent (and degree to which you believe it holds validity) it could in theory causes the problem of you being "stuck" with him if he becomes a difficult partner in some way.

D) IF you're going to do this, then consider adding some conditions of your own. Something along the lines of "you will be a great and supportive partner in every important way, regardless of my weight, health, or how I might change in appearance as we go through life" might be an addition to consider. There are probably some others.

E) As a person approaching 50, generally things like this sound like youthful foolishness to me, as one never really knows what curveballs life might throw at you. What if he goes crazy or starts taking drugs and becomes homeless. Or ends up in a coma? Is your oath of fidelity still supposed to stick in that case?

All things for you to consider. GL...

Edited July 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[DKT3]

I agree that it sounds immature and foolish and ultimately wouldn't prevent cheating.  However,  if it makes him feel comfortable why not?

In a healthy balanced relationship it's a requirement that one steps outside of their comfort zone once in a while for the sake of the relationship. 

At the same time, we must be careful to not enable unhealthy behavior in order to make your partner feel better.  I dont see this as unhealthy just weird.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Danielle000 said:

 He asked me whether i would be willing to make a solemn oath of fidelity before God. In the oath, i would say that if i ever cheated on him, i accept that a spell of back luck and tragedies would follow me for the rest of my life and beyond. 

 This sounds like a red flag and you should considering ending it. It's coercive and controlling. No voodoo curse oath is going to improve trust or your relationship. He seems a bit crazy.

[BaileyB]

The consequence of cheating on a partner should be the end of the relationship.
That would be enough to prevent most people from cheating, particularly those who value their partner and their relationship. 

[Danielle000]

Further info: we have been together for 2 years.  To clarify, the oath he is asking for is for the future, but it can be ended at anytime (just by saying it).  The consequences only apply if one of us cheats while our oath is still active.  Thanks for your responses so far.  

[Realitysux]

5 hours ago, Danielle000 said:

My boyfriend is worried that i could be unfaithful to him in the future since i had cheated in a past relationship.  I told him i realized i made a terrible mistake in the past and that I have no intention of cheating ever again.  I never cheated on him.  He asked me whether i would be willing to make a solemn oath of fidelity before God. In the oath, i would say that if i ever cheated on him, i accept that a spell of back luck and tragedies would follow me for the rest of my life and beyond.  He is willing to take the same oath himself.  He says i have nothing to lose if i do not intend to cheat, and that i should be happy he is willing to take that oath himself.  I see his point, but somehow it makes me uncomfortable.  I told him that in a relationship we must learn to build trust, and that it is not healthy to rely on the fear of penalties instead of genuine trust. Am i wrong?  He says this is important to him and without some reassurance he does not feel at ease to make a deeper commitment to our relationship.  Thanks for your thoughts. 

Why wouldn't you just tell him bad luck and tragedy is loosing him .. you should have turned that moment into making him feel like a man 

Edited July 24, 2020 by Realitysux

[Crazelnut]

Those kinds of oaths are childish and pointless. Plus, that particular oath and curse is SO weird!

[BaileyB]

How old are you OP? Because, this really does sound like child’s play...

[basil67]

Does this particular oath reflect your own beliefs in how God works?  Are you even religious?  

 

[Danielle000]

I think it is likely there is a God or some other supernatural forces, but i do not know for sure.  As to how they operate, or in other words whether the oath would trigger these bad consequence if one of us was to break it, i think it is unlikely but possible.  I discussed this with him.  His view is: even if there is a low probability that something would happen if the oath was broken, the consequences are so severe that it would be sufficient to deter cheating or at least reduce the risk. 

[Wiseman2]

Would he be the one inflicting these consequences?

Besides this, is he abusive in other ways? Do you live together? Have you told friends, family or a trusted adult about his ominous threats?

Edited July 25, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Danielle000]

supernatural forces whould supposedly be inflicting the consequences if the oath was taken and if there was cheating afterwards

i have to say, my boyfriend is not at all abusive, quite the contrary

we have been living together for a few months

we have not told anyone about this idea

[Nats_16]

Personally I think that’s a bad idea, in relationships you have trust. It sounds like he is trying to scare you into behaving in a certain way. I’m not condoning cheating but we are all humans and should understand we are free to choose how we behave and in turn accept the consequences that would naturally occur. He is scaremongering you into basically staying with him forever.

[S2B]

Well, he either trusts or he doesn’t. No reason to take an oath - he’s not marrying you.

if he doesn’t trust you then don’t be with him anymore.

[colingrant]

Everyone's level of pain and their recovery which can lead to trust, not only in their spouses, but within themselves and even is society is profoundly unique.   If you love and want to be with him, you want to prioritize his needs so that he feels safe (comfortable), first and foremost. The pain that comes from infidelity is the greatest pain many have or will ever endure. Restoring  trust entails a long path requiring lots of work on behalf of the betrayer so and the first steps is revealing compassion and instilling patience.

The mind and heart can't dismiss the pain very easily.  It's not restored by being tough and forcing one to "just get over it and trust. Trust has to be earned , so, it's incumbent upon the betrayer to patiently understand this, and prioritize the betrayed person's emotional fragility and seek to mend and rebuild it slowly over time. One does this by making they betrayed feel safe, which happens only by prioritizing their emotional safety. Here lies the first of many levels that need to be earned, but it's the most important one because it's the foundation. 

This could take years, depending on the deepness of pain and devastation caused by the betrayer. It's not possible for the betrayer to know what or how the betrayed is feeling, because FOO (Family of Origin) issues, maturity, emotional and anxiety balance, adolescent experiences,etc. are all vastly different.  Before rebuilding, he has to heal. An emotional injury can be similar to a physical injury, in that you first mobilize it so that further damage isn't done. 

A betrayed person is by default seeks to ensure further damage can't be caused, or else their emotional health can possibly become unhealthy to a point of no return, trauma or even self harm. So, the first immediate action they take is seeking safety and this means them seeing the betrayer sees that they are emotionally wounded, very vulnerable and is willing to acknowledge it through actions of empathy and sacrifice. 

The betrayed person will define for you what they want or need to feel safe. If your child had a bad dream and saw a boogey man, they won't feel safe for you to leave their bedside until sufficient time has elapsed for them to go back to sleep. Your cuddling with them ensures them that you get it and that gives them comfort and makes them feel safe. If it's thunder storming, they may want you to stay with them until it stops lightning. The safety comes from the fact that they know you will leave the bed with your wife or husband and stay with them while they are frightened when they are fearful.

In time, as they mature and begin to see thunderstorms are harmless and night mares are just dreams, they'll eventually become stronger and can sleep or lay in bed without being frightened. While this is a simple act, the lessons remain. For children whose parents are not patient, understanding, loving and unwilling to nurture the emotional growth of their child, there are potential long term consequences, which again are defined as FOO issues, which can include, but are not limited to separation anxiety, co-dependencies, etc. 

Back to infidelity. The same compassion is required to mobilize, rehabilitate and strengthening of the betrayed person's emotional and psychological mindset. Just like the physical body makeup is different, so to is the emotional makeup, hence the time period is best to be determined by the betrayed. If the betrayer is unable or unwilling to defer the timetable to that of the betrayed, it's best to part ways. 

If the betrayer insists on defining how the betrayed person's recovery will take place and how long it should be, then trust will not be achieved  because the foundation of the trust (the betrayed person sees the betrayer prioritizes their feelings of feeling safe) has not been built to uphold the building and temple of trust. Trust is built, brick by brick. , room by room and floor by floor. This foundation and method of building inherently strengthens the betrayed and their emotional health. With further strengthening, the trust eventually returns to enable a deepened and purposeful relationship.

Trust is a core pillar in a relationship temple. Love, respect and courageous communications are the other three. Each pillar is a requirement, not an option.  are the other two. The betrayed will not feel safe, if the betrayer has prioritized their own thoughts over the betrayed, which is which is the same thought track that enabled the infidelity, which is that of a selfish act, i.e., self first. The opposite is self (second), which is one that becomes selfless. When you are consistently selfless, the betrayed sees this and begins to get stronger and stronger. Eventually the trust strengthens and the relationship deepens to become a happy one, so long as the other pillars remain also.  

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, colingrant said:

 If you love and want to be with him, you want to prioritize his needs so that he feels safe (comfortable), first and foremost. The pain that comes from infidelity is the greatest pain many have or will ever endure. Restoring  trust entails a long path requiring lots of work on behalf of the betrayer so and the first steps is revealing compassion and instilling patience.

HE hasn't been betrayed.
The OP has not betrayed him.

OP
This OATH is weird and creepy, RUN.
Remember too that sometimes cheaters project their own failings onto others, so by bringing up YOU cheating, may be because HE is indeed cheating.
 

[Redhead14]

The oath is immature.  Why don't you guys just do a "pinky swear".  If you two are older than 15, I think you should move on.  This isn't "normal".  

[Danielle000]

Thanks for your feedback.  I see some of you seem worried about me, but let me reassure you.  I am a strong minded woman.  He never controls me or in any way mistreats me.  I never noticed any worrisome behaviours from him.  We live a very normal life.  And the oath is not about staying with him forever.  It is about cheating.  I am free to take the oath if i want, and to believe in any bad karma that may follow if i ever cheated. I have no reason to think he would do anything bad to me if i ever cheated and he found out.  I think he would just walk away and move on with his life.  But that is besides the point anyway because i would never cheat on him or anyone else again

[Redhead14]

2 hours ago, Danielle000 said:

Thanks for your feedback.  I see some of you seem worried about me, but let me reassure you.  I am a strong minded woman.  He never controls me or in any way mistreats me.  I never noticed any worrisome behaviours from him.  We live a very normal life.  And the oath is not about staying with him forever.  It is about cheating.  I am free to take the oath if i want, and to believe in any bad karma that may follow if i ever cheated. I have no reason to think he would do anything bad to me if i ever cheated and he found out.  I think he would just walk away and move on with his life.  But that is besides the point anyway because i would never cheat on him or anyone else again

If the above is true, I don't understand why you posted but best of luck in the relationship.

[Prudence V]

Why are you even with this guy? 

[understand50]

OK, this may help to clarify matters.  What was the past cheating, and how bad was it?  Was it a one night stand?   weekend/week/month fling?  Or a long term relationship with someone else?   You also state "I never cheated on him".  What do you mean?  Was this a we  were dating but not yet, boyfriend girl friend? 

Know what you do to start this will help.  As many here are question his reaction.  So how did you two get to this point?

I wish you luck.

 

[JS84]

Sounds stupid but harmless. Emphasis on stupid.

[Prudence V]

16 minutes ago, JS84 said:

Sounds stupid but harmless.

Not sure it’s harmless. It establishes a low-trust environment- I think, long term, that’s deadly for a relationship. I would not want to be with someone who was just waiting for me to slip up, or who I was waiting for to slip up.