Female friend I'd like set me up asks odd questions about her dating. how do I respond?

[max3732]

This female friend that I play tennis with sometimes and is in the age range I'm looking for but who I'm not interested in will talk about her dating life with me and sometimes asks rather odd or personal questions. Not sure if these are some kind of female test or what. For example, she said she went out and slept with a guy who she knew was dating someone else, but he was planning on leaving her soon so does that make her a bad person. Or she'll say her current boyfriend is lucky to have her because she's such an amazing girlfriend and could probably get anyone guy she wants and asks me if I agree. Besides dating questions she'll ask me if I think she looks old or young for her age. She's probably in better shape than anyone I know and has a 6 pack, but will say she ate extra hummus or something and now feels fat and was wondering if it shows.

To me these kinds of questions are completely inappropriate and make me uncomfortable. On the other hand she's otherwise a great person with a strong work ethic, career, who takes care of herself and I really enjoy playing tennis her. She also has a fun personality. Plus I'd really like to have her set me up with someone.

If she describes a behavior that I don't like or find wrong (like knowingly going out with someone who is dating someone else) should I just tell her I don't agree with what she did, but overall she's a good person? I think that's what I said. Sometimes I just feel like I get put on the spot with these awkward questions and know if we ever discuss dating they are going to come up. I do discuss my attempts at dating with her and try to get her opinion also, but don't think my questions are anywhere near as awkward.

Before the virus started she gave me some suggestions about where to meet women so I think she'd be open to helping me too. I just don't want to offend her or fail her women test or whatever she's doing

[FMW]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

fail her women test

Do you mean you think she's trying to suss out if you're interested in her as more than a friend?

She sounds a little awkward socially.  

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

should I just tell her I don't agree with what she did

My friends and I do tell each other when we think the other is off on the wrong track or not looking at an issue in the right way.  So I think it's completely acceptable to let her know how you feel about it.  

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

Or she'll say her current boyfriend is lucky to have her because she's such an amazing girlfriend and could probably get anyone guy she wants and asks me if I agree

To me, that sounds like she's trying to get you to express your interest in her and/or to compliment her.  If that's not the case, then as a woman if one of my women friends said that to me I would say of course, but then probably point out why she might be lucky to have her boyfriend.  Friends keep you grounded and don't let you get too full of yourself.  The exception would be if he was treating her badly, then I would just tell her she should expect better.  

If you want her help with dating,  start asking her about where you can meet women, what you should say.  Ask if she knows anyone.  Maybe tell her qualities you would like that she doesn't have to be sure she knows you're not trying to ask her out.  Maybe the awkwardness is there because there is some question about whether or not one of you is interested in the other.     

[d0nnivain]

She is looking for validation from you.  She wants you to tell her she's beautiful, skinny, attractive, ethical, desirable . . .you know perfect.  

She likes having you orbit her & stroke her ego.  

[max3732]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Do you mean you think she's trying to suss out if you're interested in her as more than a friend?

She sounds a little awkward socially.  

My friends and I do tell each other when we think the other is off on the wrong track or not looking at an issue in the right way.  So I think it's completely acceptable to let her know how you feel about it.  

To me, that sounds like she's trying to get you to express your interest in her and/or to compliment her.  If that's not the case, then as a woman if one of my women friends said that to me I would say of course, but then probably point out why she might be lucky to have her boyfriend.  Friends keep you grounded and don't let you get too full of yourself.  The exception would be if he was treating her badly, then I would just tell her she should expect better.  

If you want her help with dating,  start asking her about where you can meet women, what you should say.  Ask if she knows anyone.  Maybe tell her qualities you would like that she doesn't have to be sure she knows you're not trying to ask her out.  Maybe the awkwardness is there because there is some question about whether or not one of you is interested in the other.     

I meant that maybe she's testing me to see if I'm worth introducing to her friends. Is that something women do? I don't have a lot of female friends.

She seems like someone who would direct enough to ask me what I thought of her. The truth is I do see her a a friend and that's it. Not to mention she has a boyfriend.

What makes me really uncomfortable is asking me if she looks young for her age. To me she looks old for her age, but I'm obviously not going to tell her that!

With her boyfriend it also sounds like he's not the best guy in the world and in many ways is the opposite of her. She realizes that and says he's improving and is working on his issues. He's definitely not violent or treating her badly in any way.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I meant that maybe she's testing me to see if I'm worth introducing to her friends. Is that something women do? I don't have a lot of female friends.

 

She simply likes male compliments and attention. Don't really see anything more than that or any sort of test. Ask her about her friends.

[Blind-Sided]

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She is looking for validation from you.  She wants you to tell her she's beautiful, skinny, attractive, ethical, desirable . . .you know perfect.  

She likes having you orbit her & stroke her ego.  

Yep.... Max... D0nnivain is spot on with this.  She is the center of her own world, and as soon as she isn't getting what she wants (to hear) she will move onto the next guy. Keep her as a friend... but do not date her.

[Mystery4u]

Doesn't sound like anything inappropriate or uncomfortable, just normal stuff you would talk about with a friend.

You are the one with the issue if you can't handle it, it's very basic stuff.

[Ruby Slippers]

On 7/24/2020 at 2:31 PM, d0nnivain said:

She is looking for validation from you.  She wants you to tell her she's beautiful, skinny, attractive, ethical, desirable . . .you know perfect.  

She likes having you orbit her & stroke her ego.  

Exactly. Don't play her little game and tell her what she wants to hear because you think you might have a chance with her. That's butt-kissing orbiter behavior, makes you as sexually attractive as a loyal pet.

Tell her exactly what you think of her questions, just as you would with a guy friend. She may not ever be interested in you, but this way, you're automatically more attractive with your confidence, honesty, and absence of any need to kiss her butt or play along with her attention seeking.

[chillii]

 

l couldn't stand hearing about her bs either especially when l don't really respect her ways. l dunno , often if a women knows a male friend she gets one on one time with like that he'll be a sounding board it's happened to me a few times and no l wasn't interested in anything more just friends. They'll fish around for all sorts of things and opinions especially about her and what you think of her from a males perspective and yeah validations  , or you start hearing about all the nitty grities you really just don't wanna know.

l go with Ruby . Your not interested in her and you don't need to be her sounding board, and she has a bf .

Edited July 26, 2020 by chillii

[basil67]

If I were you, if she asks for an opinion on her behaviour, be honest.   If she's asking about her looks, instead of answering, as "why do you ask me these questions?"  If she says something about wanting your opinion, then tell her that she needs to learn manage her own confidence without leaning on others.  

[introverted1]

On 7/24/2020 at 1:17 PM, max3732 said:

 For example, she said she went out and slept with a guy who she knew was dating someone else, but he was planning on leaving her soon so does that make her a bad person. Or she'll say her current boyfriend is lucky to have her because she's such an amazing girlfriend and could probably get anyone guy she wants and asks me if I agree. Besides dating questions she'll ask me if I think she looks old or young for her age. She's probably in better shape than anyone I know and has a 6 pack, but will say she ate extra hummus or something and now feels fat and was wondering if it shows.

This all smacks of her needing validation and wanting you as an orbiter - someone who will boost her ego and secretly (or not-so-secretly) lust for her while she keeps you at bay.

She's insecure and has poor boundaries.

[max3732]

21 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Exactly. Don't play her little game and tell her what she wants to hear because you think you might have a chance with her. That's butt-kissing orbiter behavior, makes you as sexually attractive as a loyal pet.

Tell her exactly what you think of her questions, just as you would with a guy friend. She may not ever be interested in you, but this way, you're automatically more attractive with your confidence, honesty, and absence of any need to kiss her butt or play along with her attention seeking.

It's not like I'm trying to get with her. I really enjoy playing tennis with her and enjoy some of our conversations.

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

If I were you, if she asks for an opinion on her behaviour, be honest.   If she's asking about her looks, instead of answering, as "why do you ask me these questions?"  If she says something about wanting your opinion, then tell her that she needs to learn manage her own confidence without leaning on others.  

That's a good idea!

7 hours ago, introverted1 said:

This all smacks of her needing validation and wanting you as an orbiter - someone who will boost her ego and secretly (or not-so-secretly) lust for her while she keeps you at bay.

She's insecure and has poor boundaries.

That's how I felt when she was asking me those questions. How do people like that respond if you don't boost her ego

[ShyViolet]

I think you should be brutally honest when she asks a weird question.  Just say, "Why are you asking me that?  That's a weird question." or "I'm not going to answer that.  That's a weird thing to ask."  Don't play her games.

[Ruby Slippers]

On 7/27/2020 at 2:30 PM, max3732 said:

That's how I felt when she was asking me those questions. How do people like that respond if you don't boost her ego

She might lose interest and seek out some sucker to be her orbiter. But that's fine. There's no benefit to playing her little game. 

[Wiseman2]

Is she a friend or someone you are or want to date? Play tennis with better players 

If you don't like her or her pushy style why keep making tennis dates?

[spiderowl]

She sounds rather narcissistic as if everything centres around her and her feelings.  She is trying to impress you by suggesting she is so attractive that she could sleep with another guy when he already had a girlfriend.  She is passing on to you what flattering comments others have said about her.  

If you are hoping she will set you up with one of her friends, don't hope too much!  She is too busy trying to get you thinking about her to do that.

If you still want to socialise with her, then maybe head off awkward questions by bouncing them back at her - e.g. by saying 'what do you think?' if she asks you something you don't like.

Edited September 5, 2020 by spiderowl

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 8/16/2020 at 11:36 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Is she a friend or someone you are or want to date? Play tennis with better players 

If you don't like her or her pushy style why keep making tennis dates?

This. She's weird and you're uncomfortable and so on and you think she acts inappropriately but you want to keep playing tennis with her? How come? If you can't just say a question makes you uncomfortable (I don't really get that either) then just stop playing tennis with her.

Edited September 5, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 7/27/2020 at 12:30 PM, max3732 said:

It's not like I'm trying to get with her. 

That's how I felt when she was asking me those questions. How do people like that respond if you don't boost her ego

So then why are you hanging out with her???

Edited September 5, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 7/25/2020 at 5:51 AM, Mystery4u said:

Doesn't sound like anything inappropriate or uncomfortable, just normal stuff you would talk about with a friend.

You are the one with the issue if you can't handle it, it's very basic stuff.

TBH, and I know I don't represent all women, the things the OP describes sound like what I might talk to my girlfriends about.

[max3732]

10 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

So then why are you hanging out with her???

She's a really good tennis player and I enjoy hitting with her. In fact she's probably even better than me! Both of us push each other to get better on the court. 

Generally I enjoy talking to her too, but she she starts with the questions/comment like I mentioned I feel uncomfortable. Plus like I said I'm hoping she'll set me up with someone.

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, max3732 said:

She's a really good tennis player and I enjoy hitting with her. In fact she's probably even better than me! Both of us push each other to get better on the court. 

Generally I enjoy talking to her too, but she she starts with the questions/comment like I mentioned I feel uncomfortable. Plus like I said I'm hoping she'll set me up with someone.

Have you straight up asked her to introduce you to someone? Because if not, she may think you're into her, so she's dropping those hints.

[max3732]

16 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Have you straight up asked her to introduce you to someone? Because if not, she may think you're into her, so she's dropping those hints.

No, I haven't asked her directly, but when she asked what I was up to later I told her I had a date that evening and am looking to meet new people. Isn't that strong enough?

She also had a boyfriend and a lot of drama with a bunch of guys she was seeing. Before the pandemic she was telling me about some problems she was having with her boyfriend. A few weeks ago I saw her on a dating app and put I wasn't interested. Last time we met she didn't talk about her boyfriend at all so I don't know if I should bring anything up with it.

I'm honestly only interested in her as a friend and hitting partner.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 9/6/2020 at 8:51 AM, max3732 said:

No, I haven't asked her directly, but when she asked what I was up to later I told her I had a date that evening and am looking to meet new people. Isn't that strong enough?

She also had a boyfriend and a lot of drama with a bunch of guys she was seeing. Before the pandemic she was telling me about some problems she was having with her boyfriend. A few weeks ago I saw her on a dating app and put I wasn't interested. Last time we met she didn't talk about her boyfriend at all so I don't know if I should bring anything up with it.

I'm honestly only interested in her as a friend and hitting partner.

No, that sounds like you're hinting interest in her just like you think she's hinting interest in you. Just tell her what you want. Otherwise you're leading her on

[Azincourt]

On 7/24/2020 at 6:17 PM, max3732 said:

This female friend that I play tennis with sometimes and is in the age range I'm looking for but who I'm not interested in will talk about her dating life with me and sometimes asks rather odd or personal questions. Not sure if these are some kind of female test or what. For example, she said she went out and slept with a guy who she knew was dating someone else, but he was planning on leaving her soon so does that make her a bad person. Or she'll say her current boyfriend is lucky to have her because she's such an amazing girlfriend and could probably get anyone guy she wants and asks me if I agree. Besides dating questions she'll ask me if I think she looks old or young for her age. She's probably in better shape than anyone I know and has a 6 pack, but will say she ate extra hummus or something and now feels fat and was wondering if it shows.

To me these kinds of questions are completely inappropriate and make me uncomfortable. On the other hand she's otherwise a great person with a strong work ethic, career, who takes care of herself and I really enjoy playing tennis her. She also has a fun personality. Plus I'd really like to have her set me up with someone.

If she describes a behavior that I don't like or find wrong (like knowingly going out with someone who is dating someone else) should I just tell her I don't agree with what she did, but overall she's a good person? I think that's what I said. Sometimes I just feel like I get put on the spot with these awkward questions and know if we ever discuss dating they are going to come up. I do discuss my attempts at dating with her and try to get her opinion also, but don't think my questions are anywhere near as awkward.

Before the virus started she gave me some suggestions about where to meet women so I think she'd be open to helping me too. I just don't want to offend her or fail her women test or whatever she's doing

Looks like she sees you as a pal. Someone to talk to. Maybe she doesn't have that many female friends and you're around her enough times for her to feel comfortable talking about her private life despite you being a guy and all? I don't get the feeling she's attracted to you, and you don't seem to be into her, so keep talking to her, and ask her to introduce you to women.

Edited September 7, 2020 by Azincourt

[max3732]

On 9/7/2020 at 1:18 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

No, that sounds like you're hinting interest in her just like you think she's hinting interest in you. Just tell her what you want. Otherwise you're leading her on

I'll be more direct next time I see her. I also didn't think she had any interest in me and I certainly hope I didn't indicate interest in her.