Am I overreacting?

[Ryan_B]

Hello. I'm 28 and my wife is 27. We have two young daughters (4 and 2) and we've been married for three years. We've not been on the best of terms over the past few months and she has repeatedly told me that she no longer loves me and wants me to leave. I still love her and it breaks my heart knowing this. 

However, to cut a long story short, tonight I found out (via a friend of mine) that my wife is on four (that he knows of) dating sites, including tinder. I was so upset and angry when I found out and I confronted her about it. She keeps saying that she just want to make friends with men and that she isn't looking for anything else. I know we are more than likely going to be splitting up soon (even though it kills me) but am I right to be so upset about it? I told her I didn't believe the "wanting friends" thing as I've never known tinder to be a friend making service! We had a massive argument and she won't talk to me (she has now gone to bed with her phone in her hand...). I did shout at her and got very upset, but this is still my (for now) wife and we still live together. Obviously I can't prove if she is looking for more than just friendship, but I find it hard to believe your go on so many sites just to look for a new friend to talk too?

Any advice would be very appreciated!

Thank you

[schlumpy]

Ryan. You are still in denial. She is way ahead of you. She has been plotting and planning for months. She knows your children will keep you fixed in place along with your misplaced love.

Type into Google "cheating 180". Sites will appear that contain variations of the 180 program. This program will help you detach from your feelings for your wife over time, so that you can make good decisions for your future.

I would suggest investigating but her intentions are really clear so you just have to bring yourself to accept them. You won't be able to nice her back into the relationship. She has made her decision.

Your first move is a lawyer for advice and at a minimum a legal separation where she can't use you as a piggy bank while discovers who she is through other people.

Do you pay for the phone service? Cut her off.

Is the car in your name? Take her keys.

Is the lease or mortgage in your name? Ask her to leave. 

You have to apply pressure. You can't let her date other men and then have a nice safe place to come home to. You can't make it easy for her. Don't let her eat cake.

Without financial support she's going to have a tougher time executing her plan.

I know it's seems like you will drive her away but she's already gone. What you are really doing is interfering with her fantasy by introducing elements of real life. Trying to shake her out of the infidelity fog her brain is residing in. 

Expect her to blame you and lie ALOT.

If you can find out who she's seeing make sure your get hold of their spouse. Also tell her family as well as your own. She will count on your being too embarrassed to do this and that's why it's effective.

If you want to play detective get some voice activated recorders and hide them in places she makes phone calls. The intel you can gather will help you.

Keep divorce on the table until she begs to come back. Do not forgive her and rug sweep. You will only get a repeat at some time in the future. She broke the marriage, she has to fix it.

I'm very sorry your are in this position. I'm even sorrier for your children. They need someone to protect them and that someone is you so hit the ground running because she's way down the course in this race.

 

[FMW]

Of course you aren't overreacting.  It's laughable (or would be if it wasn't so sad) that she claims she's looking for "friends" on online dating sites.  

I agree with schlumpy's advice.  

[salparadise]

I'm sorry Ryan –– no one should have to suffer this crap, much less the humiliation of her putting herself out on dating sites for the world to see. I agree with Schlumpy. You need to be proactive at this point and try to preserve a bit of dignity. If you control the phone and the bank accounts, cut her off. Tell her you want her ass gone now. She's playing you for a fool, and she's going to try to monkey branch. Talk to a lawyer and file for divorce so that you're the one driving the agenda. If you don't, she's going to turn you into jello. This is a woman with no conscience whatsoever. 

You need to take care of the kids. Best case is that you end up in the home with the kids. You need a strategy, and a real good lawyer is the best way to proceed so you come out on top. Don't give her grounds to plow you under.

[schlumpy]

One more thing. Find an Ally. It an be your best friend, family member, church leader, or your lawyer. You need someone on your side. Someone that can help you hold to center.

[oldtruck]

you need to expose this to your WW parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.

exposure brings this bad behavior into view to people that can apply disapproval to WW behavior

and support to the marriage.

[Mystery4u]

Overreacting? More like under reacting.

This is your cue to move out and get a divorce.

[smackie9]

Hi Ryan_B, welcome back. So sorry you are going through this.  When did you see things start to go sour? They say being locked down due to Covid has broken up marriages, etc. It has made people scared, go a little loco you know? Sure it's easy to say, damn it kick her to the curb, but there's got to be more to this.

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

She keeps saying that she just want to make friends with men

Those are dating sites, not friendship sites. They have a purpose--to find romantic partners.

Go talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are. And go for primary custody of your children. If she's unhappy, then she can leave but she doesn't take the house and she doesn't take the children.

Take her phone off your phone plan.

Edited July 25, 2020 by kendahke

[Ryan_B]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Hi Ryan_B, welcome back. So sorry you are going through this.  When did you see things start to go sour? They say being locked down due to Covid has broken up marriages, etc. It has made people scared, go a little loco you know? Sure it's easy to say, damn it kick her to the curb, but there's got to be more to this.

Things have been going downhill for a year or so now. She told me months ago that she doesn't love me anymore, which broke my heart as I loved (well I still do) her to death.  The lockdown hasn't been easy, but this started way before this all started. She took her wedding ring off in march and hasn't ever put it back on. I don't know what to do! I'm in love with her but there's no chance of us making things up. I know what those sites are like. Even if she is genuinely lookin for friends, then things can easily develop into more than that

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

I told her I didn't believe the "wanting friends" thing as I've never known tinder to be a friend making service! We had a massive argument and she won't talk to me (she has now gone to bed with her phone in her hand...). 

Women don’t go on Tinder to make friends... no doubt about that. And married women don’t typically look to make new male friends...

She is angry and upset because she has been called out on her bad behavior. I’m sorry to say this, but I wouldn’t wait for her to visit with an attorney. You won’t want to hear this now, but you are young and you sound like a really nice man. There are so many women out there who will have no problems treating you with love and respect. You will need to go find her when you are ready because this isn’t the one... Take care. Take care of those children, their mama isn’t making very good decisions right now. 

Edited July 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

Things have been going downhill for a year or so now. She told me months ago that she doesn't love me anymore, which broke my heart as I loved (well I still do) her to death.  The lockdown hasn't been easy, but this started way before this all started. She took her wedding ring off in march and hasn't ever put it back on. I don't know what to do! I'm in love with her but there's no chance of us making things up. I know what those sites are like. Even if she is genuinely lookin for friends, then things can easily develop into more than that

Sorry but the only thing you can do is let her go. Some people need to see what's on the other side before they realize what they have lost. Some return, some don't, but the only way to find out is to kick her to the curb. The ring is off and she is on dating sites...she's moving on from your marriage. She's lying to you about looking for "friends". If it were me I would tell her she can go find friends in the comfort on her friend's couch, not in my house, in front of our kids. Get a lawyer.

Edited July 25, 2020 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to heat this. Have you consulted an attorney regarding separation, divorce, child support and custody/visitation? Get your ducks in a row while she wastes time on dating sites. No, dating sites are not to make friends. 

22 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

 she has repeatedly told me that she no longer loves me and wants me to leave

my wife is on four (that he knows of) dating sites, including tinder.

 

[Ryan_B]

I saw a text (I know I shouldn't look but she accidentally left her phone unlocked with the text on the screen) to her mum, begging her to help her find a new place to live and to help sort out custody of our girls. She has told me for months that when we split, that we will do it amicably and we will both have access to the girls. 

[Wiseman2]

Don't be passive. Talk to an attorney.

[smackie9]

You can get shared custody, so you don't have to pay child support. Most people alternate weeks. I agree, get a good lawyer.

[Erica_2]

This is the point now were you really need to “grow a pair”, be strong and brave to divorce her. I am a woman, and I know what she is doing on Tinder. She is seeking her next partner, or at least lining up a few “potentials”.

Trust me, you sound lovely! and I feel that you are being naive. Don’t put yourself through the mental torture, and accept that she has moved on, even if you are yet to catch up.

Best of luck, onwards and upwards.

[Crazelnut]

Jeez, get to an attorney ASAP.  She *is* leaving you, and you're in denial.  I'm sorry to say it, but your marriage is over and you need to start protecting yourself and the kids.