Can you be an OW indefinitely?

[MrsTiffany]

I've been an OW for almost 3 years now. I didn't plan to be one, i fell for the oldest trick in the book. He is going to move out etc but never did. I often think of breaking it off but what is holding back is my love for him. I'm scared to let him go and i think i will miss him terribly. but at the same time I know there is no future between us. How long were you an OW before ending it? Is being an OW sustainable long term? Do we eventually reach a breaking point?

[BaileyB]

No man is worth the suffering that the other women on this board seem to endure, all in the name of “love.”

If you leave, the pain will be short term. If you stay, the suffering will continue indefinitely until you get to the point that staying is more painful than leaving. Why prolong the agony... 

[Nats_16]

I was in your exact same shoes. If he truly wanted to leave he would. Go find yourself someone you can enjoy spending time, dating, weekends, evenings, holidays with. Please stop putting your life on hold.

[Ellie30]

I’m in the same position as you. I’m really struggling at the moment but the thought of giving him up is too much. We get on great & rarely argue but the birthdays, christmases & wedding anniversaries are hard to cope with. 
 

[Nats_16]

You will get to a point where the pain of staying is worse than the pain of staying. Whilst that process takes place you will lose yourself, your self esteem, self respect. Work will slide, concentration and focus in any other area of your life will suffer. I have been here so please trust me on this. He will continue to bide time with excuse after excuse, he may well love you but he is not prepared to put in the leg work. Men that behave like this are cowards, surely you want a man who has morals and values and treats a woman right. However we make excuses for their poor behaviour.

[Blind-Sided]

On 7/24/2020 at 9:35 PM, MrsTiffany said:

Is being an OW sustainable long term? Do we eventually reach a breaking point?

Not that I'm a woman... but it's NEVER sustainable. You are the other woman and he has no intention on leaving his wife.   If you rock the boat... he's liable to leave you and find someone new.  If he was ACTUALLY thinking about being with you all the time, he would have left his wife already.

Edited July 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

If you don't want a future, it's fine. He and his wife will grow old together and you'll grow old alone. That's how these things work.

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

Is being an OW sustainable long term?

Can be.
In order for it not to be seriously damaging to your mental health, then you need to emotionally disengage and be more pragmatic and accept it for what it is and forget about it being some star crossed lover story. 
Women who do well in long term affairs, take the benefits and ignore or accept the downsides.
They treat the MM like a FWB basically.
They switch off the jealousy, refuse to engage in competition with the wife and family, they make their own life so are not alone and upset during holidays and anniversaries.
They accept his unavailability and are not daydreaming about a time when they can be a proper couple... 

Of course it all depends on the "quality" of the MM as to how easy that is.
Some MM want their OW on a string and refuse to let her have any control of the situation, so happiness may be elusive no matter what her mindset is. Some MM are never happier than when their OW is upset, off balance and needy...
For many men, having an OW is an ego boost. He is da man, he has 2 women in tow, so whilst some will cherish their OW, others will use and abuse her.
if you are happy in the role, then a long term affair may suit you, but there is always the risk of a Dday at some point, no matter how happy you may be...

[mark clemson]

One irony is I think it's likely that by being available to him, you're helping him to be happier that he might be right where it is. So you're helping perpetuate him not leaving (IF the leaving were to happen at all). He may care for you to some or even a great extent, but practical matters very often override sentiment when it comes to decision making. So, depending on how long they've been together and what divorce laws might be in your jurisdiction, it may simply not be worth the disruption, financial risks, etc etc. So despite how you may feel, it's probably wise to drop any illusions you may have about how this is likely to play out.

[Bubble_20]

21 hours ago, Nats_16 said:

You will get to a point where the pain of staying is worse than the pain of staying. Whilst that process takes place you will lose yourself, your self esteem, self respect. Work will slide, concentration and focus in any other area of your life will suffer. I have been here so please trust me on this. He will continue to bide time with excuse after excuse, he may well love you but he is not prepared to put in the leg work. Men that behave like this are cowards, surely you want a man who has morals and values and treats a woman right. However we make excuses for their poor behaviour.

This resonates so much with me. The work thing in particular is particularly stressful. I just can’t do anything meaningful because of this man . He’s controlling my life without even trying.

[Prudence V]

On 7/25/2020 at 3:35 AM, MrsTiffany said:

How long were you an OW before ending it?

I didn’t end it. I was OW for just over three years, at which point we got together full-time and have been married now more than a decade. 
 

Whether or not being an OW is sustainable long-term depends on the nature of the relationship you have with your MM. If he prioritises you’re, gives you what you need and want from a R, and you don’t find yourself having to make allowances for his vestigial marriage, it can last as long as you both want it to. If, however, one or both of you finds aspects of the relationship unsatisfactory, then it will. Lead to growing resentment from the one who has to compromise, whoever that is. On these boards, it’s often the OW, but IRL it could be either, depending on who is making more adjustments to keep the other happy. (In my case, it was my fMM.) You ask about “reaching your breaking point” which suggests it might be you. 
 

if you feel you’re settling for less than you want, walk away. Life is too short to settle for a relationship that doesn’t give you what you want and need. 

[AidLiz]

Honestly, I would love to see an MM weigh in on this.. as OW.. or prev OW, we often are quick to share experiences or sometimes the viewpoint of an MM based on our exp... what what does the MM think there... do they indeed keep the OW on a tight leash to keep her there.. does it prop up their own M so they won't leave, do they care if the OW dates or does that releive the pressure or guilt or 'admin' of managing an R with an OW? Do you want an long term OW.. or is it when your sex drive lowers in later age/life you say, thanks for the memories.. heres looking at you kid.. and move on in your golden years with the BW? 

[Poppy47]

9 hours ago, AidLiz said:

Honestly, I would love to see an MM weigh in on this.. as OW.. or prev OW, we often are quick to share experiences or sometimes the viewpoint of an MM based on our exp... what what does the MM think there... do they indeed keep the OW on a tight leash to keep her there.. does it prop up their own M so they won't leave, do they care if the OW dates or does that releive the pressure or guilt or 'admin' of managing an R with an OW? Do you want an long term OW.. or is it when your sex drive lowers in later age/life you say, thanks for the memories.. heres looking at you kid.. and move on in your golden years with the BW? 

YOu are too funny. xMM and I are both in our late seventies and the sex drive was still there very strongly, as it is with many people in their seventies and eighties.  I live in an over 55s retirement complex.  Do not be fooled by numbers.

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

I think from what I have read, a MM will probably not leave unless he was going to anyway.  If he hasnt left the marriage in the first year of the affair, it won't happen.

He thinks he's pretty damned wonderful to have two women, so why would he leave and only have one plus all the trouble of splitting with his wife?

Is is sustainable?  I was in an affair for almost 12 years. It survived because I was busy working and travelling constantly overseas. When I retired, it fell apart because I wanted a lot more. I was looking for somebody who was available.  Of course he wasn't and he didn't want to be. So... we actually had a very very bad ending and he is gone and the affair is no more.

There could be women who are capable of being the OW happily.  I could never regard it as FWB, I think that's the only way to sustain an affair... strictly sex.  '

ON the other hand, it can cause a lot of pain and emotional damage if you want  something more and MM won't leave.

Probably better to run like blazes because it is easy to get emotionally bonded.

Short term pain, long term gain.

POppy.

[Pastypop]

Why don’t you start dating other people and keep him around as a backup until you find somebody better?  That’s what he is doing to you. So don’t feel bad about it.  Don’t ever tell the new person about your affair because they leave you.  Just get out and find somebody much better than him. 

[pepperbird]

if you're okay with your current relationship with him, it could probably go on for as long as you allow it.
If you're not, if you feel like your needs aren't being met, if you feel lonely, if you feel guilty, it could still go on for as long as you allow it.
Ask for "upgrades"  and start making demands?
He'll either run for the hills or fade away.

[pepperbird]

On 7/26/2020 at 3:51 AM, Bubble_20 said:

This resonates so much with me. The work thing in particular is particularly stressful. I just can’t do anything meaningful because of this man . He’s controlling my life without even trying.

that's not a good place to be.

[Hedgehog73]

44 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

if you're okay with your current relationship with him, it could probably go on for as long as you allow it.
If you're not, if you feel like your needs aren't being met, if you feel lonely, if you feel guilty, it could still go on for as long as you allow it.
Ask for "upgrades"  and start making demands?
He'll either run for the hills or fade away.

I partly agree with this. If you are happy with the relationship it can go on for as long as you want. There are many happy OW but they don’t want anything more from the relationship. If you start wanting a real relationship that’s when it gets painful. 

What I don’t agree with though is that some mm do step up when you start asking for more . If you have been with him this long and you need more communication, more time together, etc he may give that to you when asked. He may really love you and just not want to leave his wife so he will do all he can to keep you as happy as possible. What I am saying is think about what you want. If you want to leave the relationship than just do it . If you need more from your mm to be happy than ask for that. But just figure out what you need first . Don’t make demands only to just end the relationship anyways. 

[Prudence V]

On 8/1/2020 at 9:46 AM, Poppy47 said:

If he hasnt left the marriage in the first year of the affair, it won't happen.

This isn’t true. I saw an old thread on here where fOWs who were with their fMMs compared notes and around 3 years seemed to be the average, but there were some who’d been OW for much longer, and some much less. 

[Prudence V]

23 minutes ago, Hedgehog73 said:

What I am saying is think about what you want. If you want to leave the relationship than just do it . If you need more from your mm to be happy than ask for that. But just figure out what you need first . Don’t make demands only to just end the relationship anyways. 

That said... if what you’re really wanting is for him to dumpy the BW, then be honest about that to yourself, too. Getting incrementally more will still fall short to you if ultimately you want to be Mrs MM. Being honest is the best basis for the relationship. If what you both want is aligned, it has a future. But if you want different things, at least one of you will always be compromising, and never properly happy. 

[Hedgehog73]

4 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

That said... if what you’re really wanting is for him to dumpy the BW, then be honest about that to yourself, too. Getting incrementally more will still fall short to you if ultimately you want to be Mrs MM. Being honest is the best basis for the relationship. If what you both want is aligned, it has a future. But if you want different things, at least one of you will always be compromising, and never properly happy. 

I agree completely. 

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, Hedgehog73 said:

Don’t make demands only to just end the relationship anyways. 

And don't make demands if you are not prepared to follow through and walk away if the demands aren't met.
If you do that you will be seen as weak, a pushover and you may find it difficult to then live with yourself too.
The dynamic will change. You lost a bit of power and he gained some.

[Syre17]

On 7/25/2020 at 2:37 PM, mark clemson said:

One irony is I think it's likely that by being available to him, you're helping him to be happier that he might be right where it is. So you're helping perpetuate him not leaving (IF the leaving were to happen at all). He may care for you to some or even a great extent, but practical matters very often override sentiment when it comes to decision making. So, depending on how long they've been together and what divorce laws might be in your jurisdiction, it may simply not be worth the disruption, financial risks, etc etc. So despite how you may feel, it's probably wise to drop any illusions you may have about how this is likely to play out.

THIS, about the irony, can be very true. My exMW actually admitted this to me once. That her and my relationship actually made it more tolerable to stay. Her emotional and physical needs and wants  were being met by me, while her materialistic needs and wants, which were many, and her “social status” by her H. It can become a Catch-22. 

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, Syre17 said:

. My exMW actually admitted this to me once. That her and my relationship actually made it more tolerable to stay. Her emotional and physical needs and wants  were being met by me, while her materialistic needs and wants, which were many, and her “social status” by her H.

This is true I guess for most people who are caught between two lovers. One provides one set of needs and the other another set of needs.
It is why they don't really want to choose one over the other as neither is really "enough" on their own.
They therefore want and need both.
It is also why the "competition" is unwinnable as one is always seen to be lacking in something the other provides.

[Syre17]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is true I guess for most people who are caught between two lovers. One provides one set of needs and the other another set of needs.
It is why they don't really want to choose one over the other as neither is really "enough" on their own.
They therefore want and need both.
It is also why the "competition" is unwinnable as one is always seen to be lacking in something the other provides.

No truer words. I’m aware that it “can” work, but the reality is that those situations where it does, as in the APs moving on together, are very much the exception and not the norm.