Can you be an OW indefinitely?

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, Syre17 said:

. My exMW actually admitted this to me once. That her and my relationship actually made it more tolerable to stay. Her emotional and physical needs and wants  were being met by me, while her materialistic needs and wants, which were many, and her “social status” by her H.

This is true I guess for most people who are caught between two lovers. One provides one set of needs and the other another set of needs.
It is why they don't really want to choose one over the other as neither is really "enough" on their own.
They therefore want and need both.
It is also why the "competition" is unwinnable as one is always seen to be lacking in something the other provides.

[Syre17]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is true I guess for most people who are caught between two lovers. One provides one set of needs and the other another set of needs.
It is why they don't really want to choose one over the other as neither is really "enough" on their own.
They therefore want and need both.
It is also why the "competition" is unwinnable as one is always seen to be lacking in something the other provides.

No truer words. I’m aware that it “can” work, but the reality is that those situations where it does, as in the APs moving on together, are very much the exception and not the norm. 

[Poppy47]

On 8/2/2020 at 11:49 PM, Prudence V said:

This isn’t true. I saw an old thread on here where fOWs who were with their fMMs compared notes and around 3 years seemed to be the average, but there were some who’d been OW for much longer, and some much less. 

Hard to say. I think the MM has to be ready to leave.

 

On 8/2/2020 at 11:49 PM, Prudence V said:

This isn’t true. I saw an old thread on here where fOWs who were with their fMMs compared notes and around 3 years seemed to be the average, but there were some who’d been OW for much longer, and some much less. 

 

[Prudence V]

16 hours ago, Poppy47 said:

Hard to say. I think the MM has to be ready to leave.

Agree completely. That’s why strategies to try to force the MM’s hand can’t work. He may leave, because he doesn’t want to lose the OW, but if he’s not completely done with the M and ready to leave, he will oscillate between the two, and likely end up going back. There are, sadly, many stories on these boards which demonstrate that.

[Hrgirl915]

I think you can be the OW for as long as you are willing. Everyone’s situation is different. However, from just the small bit I can tell of you from your post, you don’t want to be the OW anymore. It’s a very painful roller coaster. If you can find the strength, say goodbye and find the happiness you deserve. Life is too precious to waste another minute of time living in the shadows of MM and his wife.

[MissBee]

On 7/24/2020 at 10:35 PM, MrsTiffany said:

I've been an OW for almost 3 years now. I didn't plan to be one, i fell for the oldest trick in the book. He is going to move out etc but never did. I often think of breaking it off but what is holding back is my love for him. I'm scared to let him go and i think i will miss him terribly. but at the same time I know there is no future between us. How long were you an OW before ending it? Is being an OW sustainable long term? Do we eventually reach a breaking point?

People have done it. 

I don't think it matters whether or not it's possible, so much as it matters whether or not that's your true desire for the longterm.

When I was the OW years and years ago, I was young, I still dated others, I wasn't interested in a longterm partnership and building, but even then, because I was in love I just wasn't satisfied with the limitations. If one is genuinely happy with that situation, which I think is rare, but some people are, then sure, it can go on inevitably if the person isn't caught and decides to bail. But if you know you "fell for a trick" and want more, I would aspire to more. It's not easy leaving a situation when you're in love, but I think you end up with a lot of regrets down the line when you fall for the sunken cost fallacy, i.e. the false belief that you already invested so might as well continue and see, when 3 years is still gonna be better than 8 years later still dissatisfied.

A good friend of mine was an OW for 7 years and kept having hope he'd leave  and was even planning her wedding to him and all this, they broke up a few times, until some years ago she finally let him go and has now been happily married to another man for two years. She is now very happy and is finally in the relationship she wants, but she's now 40 and had always wanted kids, even with exMM,  and is having some difficulties conceiving and feels regretful that had she left him a long time ago she wouldn't have wasted those better childbearing years. 

 

Edited August 17, 2020 by MissBee

[Veronica73]

That’s sad

[LeoLady888]

Hi OP,

The answer to your question is "how long is a piece of string?"

I know of one girl who was an OW for 25 years (yes, you read that right, 25 years) she woke up (alone) on her 50th birthday and decided that enough was enough. She dumped him, sold her house, quit her job, went into business, got herself a 'toyboy' and never looked back.

Another girl I knew was an OW for 12 years. She finally dumped him when he told her his wife was pregnant (he'd told her they were sleeping in separate rooms)

In my sitch I threw out my cheating spose as soon as I found out but it took him another 4 years to marry his OW and that was when she became pregnant.

So the real question is - if you are an OW do you want to take charge of your own life - or would you rather put it in the hands of another?

[Fletch Lives]

You may or may not reach a breaking point.

In the meantime, you are living a life of quiet desperation, and wasting time that you could use to heal, and move on to dating another, available man.

[BeaNeverLearns]

You've only got 6 months on me. I decided to get off this ride at 12:00 tonight. I love him too, but he can't love me, he just cant. I wonder about my love for him too. Jump off, before you or anyone else gets destroyed.