Should I? or not?

[LivingWaterPlease]

We went to high school together decades ago and I had a big crush on him then. We never dated or were close in any way. 

Two years ago we reconnected (we are long distance), both of us divorced.

I was attracted to his personality and intellect.. For two years we talked and texted a lot. He came to visit me about every six weeks or so staying close to a week each time in a nearby motel. I never made the trip to visit him.

He became infatuated quickly and within a very short time began talking of marriage. I really liked him but didn't share the same romantic feelings for him. I told him so. But he continued to pursue me heavily. One thing he did was to buy me a lot of gifts. Some of them were very expensive, some were very inexpensive. Some things he wanted to buy me I turned down because I don't have room for more stuff. I was not in the relationship for the gifts and told him so. I also told him receiving the gifts had no affect on the way I felt about him and that I didn't need him to buy me gifts in order to be friends with me. For most of our relationship, after the first two visits or so, there was no physical contact at all.

Because my feelings remained at friendship level he'd get frustrated and break up with me every few months. When he did this he'd write an email to me that was quite caustic in which he'd rewrite the history of our relationship. So we'd be broken up. After a day or so he'd contact me with his phone, we'd talk, then he'd start calling me again and we'd drift back into a relationship.

I loved him but was not in love with him and told him many times I wasn't going to marry him.

The last time he broke up with me was two months ago. Sure enough, a day or two after he broke up with me I get a text telling me he broke up with me because he felt I was withdrawing but he really hadn't wanted to break up. 

I didn't reply to him because when I reply we end up talking and getting back together. So we haven't communicated for about seven weeks.  Once in a while I've missed his friendship but for the most part I've been relieved to have no more contact with him.  

Well, now (tonight) I just received a Happy Birthday text from him.  In it he rewrote (incorrectly and somewhat rudely) some of our history. Then he asked for a gift (digital thermometer, a duplicate the company sent by mistake so I have another one he gave me just like it. But he said I could give the duplicate to my church to test for coronavirus, which I haven't done yet) he'd given me back. And asked that i send him a gift (a t shirt) I bought him but never gave him because he broke up with me shortly after I bought it for him. He is quite financially comfortable and has a great job. He doesn't need to get these gifts from me.

I don't want to send the gifts back because I don't want to have anymore contact with him at all. I believe he's just trying to have contact with me so he can reel me back into a relationship which I'm totally not interested in. 

I have no problem sending the gifts to him with no accompanying note. But, then I'm concerned he'll write back, "Thank you" and include more insults which really bother me. Then he'll begin to ask for more of the things he gave me back just to keep contacting me. That could go on a long time because he gave me a lot of gifts. I dated another guy (who stalked me and I had to have arrested) who did this to me and my counselor told me not to give the gifts back because he'd just keep asking for more stuff to stay in touch with me.

I hardly bought him any gifts at all. Just for Christmas and his birthday I'd spend about $40 on him. That's it.

Should I ignore his text or not? Thankfully he lives six hundred miles away.

 

 

[assertives]

I would say ignore him. If that doesn't work and he does continue to pester back for those gifts, then do a stocktake, and make a checklist of all the stuff he has ever given you and send them all back to him together with the checklist and said, here are them all. Stop using the gifts to contact me again. Then block him everywhere.

[elaine567]

Let the poor man go. You have kind of tortured him for 2 years with this friendship thing.
Many women can be platonic friends with a man all day and all night, men tend to want more than friendship.
By remaining friends with him and accepting his gifts, he thought he was in with a chance, no matter what you said.
Send him the gifts and stop contacting him.
Set him free to go find some other woman. 

[Wiseman2]

Just block him. You don't want to date or be friends, so why drag things out with someone who "insults" you?  

Don't worry about trinkets and t shirts, it's not about that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just block him. You don't want to date or be friends, so why drag things out with someone who "insults" you?  

Don't worry about trinkets and t shirts, it's not about that.

Thank you, Wiseman2. I believe you're right. But, it helps to hear it from someone else. 

How do I block him on an iPhone?

I just looked at his contact info on my phone and by mistake hit one of his three phone numbers which called it. As soon as I realized what I'd done i cut it off and am very thankful it was the main number (receptionist) at his office so he won't know I called. I thought there may be a place on the page with his contact info to block him.

I really hate to do that because we are part of a group of friends and I have wanted this to end graciously. I have always before even after he writes cruel things to me when he breaks off the relationship written back a beautiful and kind response, not trying to extend things in any way, but trying to end with good will.

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 hours ago, assertives said:

I would say ignore him. If that doesn't work and he does continue to pester back for those gifts, then do a stocktake, and make a checklist of all the stuff he has ever given you and send them all back to him together with the checklist and said, here are them all. Stop using the gifts to contact me again. Then block him everywhere.

Thank you, assertives. I'm going to try to do that. He has contacted me in several ways since the break up and I have ignored him. We are part of a friend group and I hate to ignore him as I've wanted things to end graciously. Would want to be gracious even if not part of a friend group but especially as part of a friend group.

I would love to write what you suggested, "Stop using the gifts to contact me again." I have to figure out how to block him first though as he is very intelligent and articulate and would come back at me trying to start an argument.

He did this same thing to a friend (not close) of mine, and has always complained about how she never would speak to him again. I could never figure that out because she is a lovely person. Now I understand why she wouldn't respond. He just wants to argue and weasel his way back in.. Also, his second wife, same story. She left him and never would speak to him again. He contacted her children and relatives and none of them would, either. To me, it seemed cruel that she would leave him without a discussion. But, now I understand.

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Let the poor man go. You have kind of tortured him for 2 years with this friendship thing.
Many women can be platonic friends with a man all day and all night, men tend to want more than friendship.
By remaining friends with him and accepting his gifts, he thought he was in with a chance, no matter what you said.
Send him the gifts and stop contacting him.
Set him free to go find some other woman. 

Thank you for your reply, elaine567. I believe this man tortured himself with me and other women, not that I or they tortured him. But, that is not what this thread is about. Still, since it may influence responses I'll address that aspect.

To the bolded, I never contacted him. He was the one to always call me until the last couple months of our two-year-friendship. And I didn't realize they were the last two months.

I had a huge crush on this guy in high school. He was my main high school crush, though I dated others. But he never asked me out. I love his personality, he is a leader,  brilliant, accomplished, and attractive, both then and now.

I was very interested in him when we reconnected decades later.  However, he began to pressure me for marriage after two weeks of our reconnection.  I always thought during the relationship if he would stop pressuring me for marriage maybe I could fall in love with him. I told him this and then he would stop for a time. Just when I'd get comfortable and begin to open up to him he'd start pressuring again. So, I stayed in it because I hoped he would at some point realize this habit was hurting our relationship.

Also, I learned during the relationship, to my surprise, that he has a horrible temper and a cruel streak when angry. 

One of my best friends from high school also dated him decades after high school. She is gracious, accomplished and lovely in every way. She and I have stayed in contact very loosely so I didn't know her back story with him. Only that she had broken up with him and that he told me she wouldn't speak to him afterwards which is not like her. 

He also has the same story from his second marriage. He married a very accomplished lovely woman (I never met her but she achieved a lot and I've read about her online is how I know about her character). who left him one day while he was at work and would never speak to him again. According to him, she took a lot of gifts he gave her with her when she left that he believes she should have left with him (at this point I now don't).

No, this guy pulls the same thing with other women who got very involved with him but did not torture him. The two above ones are the ones I know about. There may be others, I don't know. 

So, no, I have not tortured this man at all in any way. He still responds to my social media posts and I ignore his responses, though I am attracted to his posts as they are fun and intelligent. In fact, when he comments on my posts and then started sending emails to a group of friends I'm a part of, I feel pulled back to him (though I won't go there) because he is so interesting and witty. He is also the leader of a zoom group of our friends from high school which I was a part of. Because he is on it, I dropped out even though I would enjoy being part of the group. I have been genuinely attracted to him and tried to get him to back off with his intensity by being "just friends" to see if the relationship could progress without his pressure.

I do not try to interact with him on social media. I have ignored his contacts in all ways. I believe he is continuing to torture himself by not leaving me alone.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd send the stuff back, communicate that you no longer want to be in touch, and stop replying. Since you have friends in common, I'd be inclined not to do a hard block, but essentially just stop answering. If he escalates, then you could take a stronger measure and block him. 

[elaine567]

20 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

who left him one day while he was at work and would never speak to him again.

This is often a sign of abuse.
Women leave "unexpectedly" whilst the guy is not at home. Because she is scared of him or because he is so controlling he would never allow her to leave.
She usually plans her escape and he is blindsided.
She cannot allow herself to then get involved with him ever again hence the radio silence...

[LivingWaterPlease]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is often a sign of abuse.
Women leave "unexpectedly" whilst the guy is not at home. Because she is scared of him or because he is so controlling he would never allow her to leave.
She usually plans her escape and he is blindsided.
She cannot allow herself to then get involved with him ever again hence the radio silence...

Thanks for this information, Elaine. I didn't know that about those who leave unexpectedly but it makes sense and is helpful to know.

[LivingWaterPlease]

32 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'd send the stuff back, communicate that you no longer want to be in touch, and stop replying. Since you have friends in common, I'd be inclined not to do a hard block, but essentially just stop answering. If he escalates, then you could take a stronger measure and block him. 

Thanks for your response, Ruby. As much as I hate to respond to him at all, I do think your advice is wise, given that we have friends in common. I hadn't included that info (having close friends in common) in my first post because the post already seemed long to me, but probably should have.

[Ruby Slippers]

You could just stop replying, but personally I'd feel bad ghosting with no explanation, given the history. If you communicate your intention, then you free yourself from anything further, politely yet firmly. Nice and clean.

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You could just stop replying, but personally I'd feel bad ghosting with no explanation, given the history. If you communicate your intention, then you free yourself from anything further, politely yet firmly. Nice and clean.

That makes sense, Ruby. When he broke up with me I didn't reply (though I usually did reply graciously when he would break up, but then he'd use my reply to rope me back into a discussion that was appealing to me) but I didn't think it was ghosting because he was the one who broke up with me, in a very controlling way, if it's possible to break up with someone in a controlling way, 😂.

What I'm concerned about is that he is brilliant with triggering me so that a discussion begins. And he is hard to resist once the discussion begins.  I believe that's why he (possibly even subconsciously) rewrote our history in the Happy Birthday text. He may have thought I would object to it then it would begin a discussion that he may stand a chance of getting back in with me. This happened after one other two-month-no-contact-time-period.  Usually when he broke up it would last a day or two but that one time it lasted two months.

Bet you can relate to some of this with your last ex. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, this is all on you. You already know he expresses himself in a hostile way when he doesn't get what he wants. He's driven away every woman in his life because of this. You're not interested in romance, and I think you can find better friends. Once you make up your mind you're not going to be pulled back in, you won't. Have you made up your mind yet? It takes two to tango. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

16 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Well, this is all on you. You already know he expresses himself in a hostile way when he doesn't get what he wants. He's driven away every woman in his life because of this. You're not interested in romance, and I think you can find better friends. Once you make up your mind you're not going to be pulled back in, you won't. Have you made up your mind yet? It takes two to tango. 

Oh, yes.No question about it.

At the point of his last break up I made up my mind the door was closed.

I sat in a chair in my bedroom and watched his texts accumulate and develop into a break up in a menacing way. It was a process that I knew was happening after the first text, something like, "I'm sending you an email. I'm sure you know what it's going to say." That was preceded by another text that was insinuating which I didn't reply to. IOW, he built anticipation for the break up making it more dramatic than it should have been. It wasn't kind or healthy. 

After that he contacted me a couple of times but I didn't reply. 

But, due to the friend group connection, I need to. I've needed to process this to come to that conclusion. Otherwise I'd have totally ignored. Not going back. No way.
 

Edited July 25, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Ruby Slippers]

Good choice. When you clear out anything cluttered or convoluted in your life, it makes way for something better.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I posted a meme on FB a couple days ago about being nice to people even when they're not nice to you. It was not aimed at him or anyone else. The way it was worded was just lovely and I thought it was cool. Since we haven't spoken in two months it never occurred to me he may use it to reach out to me.

So he has just now posted below it a lengthy diatribe about being rejected and not being able to talk through what happened. I'm pretty annoyed that he did this publicly. I just put a heart emoji below his post as I did for everyone who posted below the meme. However, the others just posted, "Amen," or "So true."

What the??? I am so not a person to air my personal business on social media.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So I removed the meme from FB so that all the posts, including his are now gone. 

This man is determined to get to me and it seems he's going to keep at it.

I have a really big and challenging week ahead and I don't have the emotional energy to deal with this. I really don't want to respond to his text now that he posted on my FB page about feeling rejected and about being in physical pain about it. Before the FB post I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I'm not so sure.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are part of the problem and need to own your role in this. 

He can't come back into your life without your tacit permission. You keep letting him in, and saying because he's just so brilliant with words that you can't help yourself. Come on, now. You're an adult. You can ignore him if you want to, full-stop. You are not as powerless as you're portraying yourself. 

So my question is , what are you gaining by continuing to engage? Attention? An ego-stroke? 

[assertives]

You can block him on fb you know. Fb has controls that lets you to choose what you want to allow each profile to see. You can set settings where he cannot see your new updates/statuses or photos that you posts. You can fiddle around with the settings abit. Anyway, I agree with ExpatInItaly. You are not helpless here. You need to take charge and decide what you want to allow or not allow in your life.

[LivingWaterPlease]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are part of the problem and need to own your role in this. 

He can't come back into your life without your tacit permission. You keep letting him in, and saying because he's just so brilliant with words that you can't help yourself. Come on, now. You're an adult. You can ignore him if you want to, full-stop. You are not as powerless as you're portraying yourself. 

So my question is , what are you gaining by continuing to engage? Attention? An ego-stroke? 

Thanks, Expat! You're right.

However, at this point I'm not engaging. I am carefully weighing the situation as to how best to proceed as because of mutual friendships we both have this will affect me for my future.

I realize that by continuing to talk with him when he came back into my life in the past I have kept the friendship going, which I wanted to do up until two months ago.

Two months ago when he broke up with me I decided I didn't want him in my life and I haven't wavered. At some point I will see him again because we have many close friends in common and there will be group situations we will both attend.

That is why I have wondered how to handle this going forward. 

I don't know if you noticed that he posted on my Facebook page publicly about the issue yesterday. I removed the entire thread.

I am through with the relationship of being close friends with him but I cannot be through with him no contact for the rest of my life because of our close friends in common so I would like things to be as amicable as possible. 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks assertive! And thank you all for your kind help!

Yes, I will block him on Facebook. I have unfollowed him which should have helped some. I don't see any of his posts. 

I have, believe it or not, an even bigger and more difficult (crushing) issue going on that doesn't involve him. The issue with him is small potatoes in comparison but I do need to deal with the issue about him. When it rains it pours! 

A repeat is that I have only made the decision to close the door two months ago. I am not complaining about the times prior when he broke up with me and I allowed him back into my life. It really didn't bother me that much when he broke up is, I guess, why I allowed him back in. I posted about it as background information.

However, I'm tired of the back and forth and so I've drawn a line in the sand and have stuck with it.

I have not wavered. The issue now is how do I keep the door closed and my friend group comfortable for me. I have dropped out of our mutual zoom group so that I can stay away from him. I have not replied to the efforts he's made over the past two months to contact me (most right after he broke up with me, but now my birthday has triggered him, I guess) I will now block him on social media. 

I need to know how to block him on my phone.

You may think I've been playing around. I have not. I have stayed open by my own choice because I wanted to and I am fully aware I allowed him to come in and out of my life so he did. Two months ago I closed that door and have kept it closed though he continues to contact me. Yes, I do post about how I have chosen to let him into my life because I like his personality. Be that as it may, two months ago I decided it's not worth it.

Thank you to everyone who is posting! It's very helpful! Please continue to post if you have anything to say that hasn't already been said or that you want to say. I really appreciate it.

I won't be able to respond for a week but I will check back in then. Hopefully, I will hear no more from him having removed his Facebook post from my page.

This needs editing down as it's a bit repetitive but I can't do it right now!

Wishing everyone who is helping a good day and good week until I'm back in touch. Please continue to post if you have something to say! 

Sending good will to all! 🙂

 

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Just as you told me before, you won't close the door completely until you're done with this situation and ready to close it once and for all. And it's OK however long that takes - we'll be here to listen and give our opinions in any case. We all have to go through our own processes to arrive at our own conclusions and learn the lessons. Very wise, and so evolved of you. I just love you for that!! You're one of the very few people on this board who thinks at such a high level.

We know why he keeps coming back around. His behavior drives women away - but there's something about you that keeps the door slightly open, and he knows that. 

You hinted before that perhaps I can relate to some of this after my last relationship. Yes, I can.

I think what you and I have in common is that we're highly empathetic, loving, sensitive, selfless, caring, nurturing. We want to heal the world, and we don't worry too much about protecting ourselves in the process, as we know we're very strong and tell ourselves we can handle anything. 

I think that, like me, on some level, just as I did with my ex, you feel sorry for this guy. You see all these wonderful qualities - he's so brilliant and wonderful in so many ways. There's so much potential! But he still hasn't figured out how to treat a woman. He doesn't yet understand that basic spiritual law that whatever energy you give comes back to you ten-fold or more. 

On some level, you think you can teach him, that by remaining associated with you, he'll learn and evolve and things will get better for him. 

I suggest that the real growth and evolution in him will begin once you close that door for good. THAT is when he'll really start evaluating himself and taking steps to improve. In that sense, you'll do him a favor by cutting him loose.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[kendahke]

On 7/25/2020 at 12:19 AM, LivingWaterPlease said:

We went to high school together decades ago and I had a big crush on him then. We never dated or were close in any way. 

Two years ago we reconnected (we are long distance), both of us divorced.

I was attracted to his personality and intellect.. For two years we talked and texted a lot. He came to visit me about every six weeks or so staying close to a week each time in a nearby motel. I never made the trip to visit him.

He became infatuated quickly and within a very short time began talking of marriage. I really liked him but didn't share the same romantic feelings for him. I told him so. But he continued to pursue me heavily. One thing he did was to buy me a lot of gifts. Some of them were very expensive, some were very inexpensive. Some things he wanted to buy me I turned down because I don't have room for more stuff. I was not in the relationship for the gifts and told him so. I also told him receiving the gifts had no affect on the way I felt about him and that I didn't need him to buy me gifts in order to be friends with me. For most of our relationship, after the first two visits or so, there was no physical contact at all.

Because my feelings remained at friendship level he'd get frustrated and break up with me every few months. When he did this he'd write an email to me that was quite caustic in which he'd rewrite the history of our relationship. So we'd be broken up. After a day or so he'd contact me with his phone, we'd talk, then he'd start calling me again and we'd drift back into a relationship.

I loved him but was not in love with him and told him many times I wasn't going to marry him.

The last time he broke up with me was two months ago. Sure enough, a day or two after he broke up with me I get a text telling me he broke up with me because he felt I was withdrawing but he really hadn't wanted to break up. 

I didn't reply to him because when I reply we end up talking and getting back together. So we haven't communicated for about seven weeks.  Once in a while I've missed his friendship but for the most part I've been relieved to have no more contact with him.  

Well, now (tonight) I just received a Happy Birthday text from him.  In it he rewrote (incorrectly and somewhat rudely) some of our history. Then he asked for a gift (digital thermometer, a duplicate the company sent by mistake so I have another one he gave me just like it. But he said I could give the duplicate to my church to test for coronavirus, which I haven't done yet) he'd given me back. And asked that i send him a gift (a t shirt) I bought him but never gave him because he broke up with me shortly after I bought it for him. He is quite financially comfortable and has a great job. He doesn't need to get these gifts from me.

I don't want to send the gifts back because I don't want to have anymore contact with him at all. I believe he's just trying to have contact with me so he can reel me back into a relationship which I'm totally not interested in. 

I have no problem sending the gifts to him with no accompanying note. But, then I'm concerned he'll write back, "Thank you" and include more insults which really bother me. Then he'll begin to ask for more of the things he gave me back just to keep contacting me. That could go on a long time because he gave me a lot of gifts. I dated another guy (who stalked me and I had to have arrested) who did this to me and my counselor told me not to give the gifts back because he'd just keep asking for more stuff to stay in touch with me.

I hardly bought him any gifts at all. Just for Christmas and his birthday I'd spend about $40 on him. That's it.

Should I ignore his text or not? Thankfully he lives six hundred miles away.

Box up everything he gave you and send it all back.

Block his number, block his email and get on with your life.

You're keeping the door open by not blocking him--and that gives him hope that he can talk you back in.

If you're done with him, act like it.

[kendahke]

On 7/25/2020 at 9:04 AM, LivingWaterPlease said:

How do I block him on an iPhone?

enter that in a google search. Google is your friend.