Should I? or not?

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I posted a meme on FB a couple days ago about being nice to people even when they're not nice to you. It was not aimed at him or anyone else. The way it was worded was just lovely and I thought it was cool. Since we haven't spoken in two months it never occurred to me he may use it to reach out to me.

So he has just now posted below it a lengthy diatribe

 

Why isn't he blocked and unfriended on Facebook by now?  You know what he's capable of.

Today, before you go to sleep, unfriend and block him on all your social media. He is going to put your business in the street on social media unless you cut him off from your social circle. That's what's going to mess up your relationships with these other people more than you just telling them they he and you didn't work out and he's not taking it well.

Edited July 26, 2020 by kendahke

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 7/26/2020 at 2:43 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

Just as you told me before, you won't close the door completely until you're done with this situation and ready to close it once and for all. And it's OK however long that takes - we'll be here to listen and give our opinions in any case. We all have to go through our own processes to arrive at our own conclusions and learn the lessons. Very wise, and so evolved of you. I just love you for that!! You're one of the very few people on this board who thinks at such a high level.

We know why he keeps coming back around. His behavior drives women away - but there's something about you that keeps the door slightly open, and he knows that. 

You hinted before that perhaps I can relate to some of this after my last relationship. Yes, I can.

I think what you and I have in common is that we're highly empathetic, loving, sensitive, selfless, caring, nurturing. We want to heal the world, and we don't worry too much about protecting ourselves in the process, as we know we're very strong and tell ourselves we can handle anything. 

I think that, like me, on some level, just as I did with my ex, you feel sorry for this guy. You see all these wonderful qualities - he's so brilliant and wonderful in so many ways. There's so much potential! But he still hasn't figured out how to treat a woman. He doesn't yet understand that basic spiritual law that whatever energy you give comes back to you ten-fold or more. 

On some level, you think you can teach him, that by remaining associated with you, he'll learn and evolve and things will get better for him. 

I suggest that the real growth and evolution in him will begin once you close that door for good. THAT is when he'll really start evaluating himself and taking steps to improve. In that sense, you'll do him a favor by cutting him loose.

Thanks for taking the time to write your post, Ruby! 

I really appreciate your insight. Not sure I'm thinking at a high level but it's very kind of you to think the best of my efforts, anyway! 🙂 

I definitely closed the door around the beginning of June when he broke up with me. I've never not replied to him before (after all the times he broke up with me, probably about six or seven over a two-year-period) but I've ignored his attempts to contact me and plan to continue. Once I removed the FB post he hasn't tried to contact me again.

After praying about it and talking with those close to me over the past weeks, and also taking into consideration advice on LS, I've decided to send him the items he requested with no note enclosed. That will be the last of it.

I'd intended not to even do that. But, I'm going to. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 7/26/2020 at 4:51 PM, kendahke said:

Why isn't he blocked and unfriended on Facebook by now?  You know what he's capable of.

Today, before you go to sleep, unfriend and block him on all your social media. He is going to put your business in the street on social media unless you cut him off from your social circle. That's what's going to mess up your relationships with these other people more than you just telling them they he and you didn't work out and he's not taking it well.

Thanks for your posts, kendahke. I've been out-of-pocket for a week and only do texts and email on my phone, not social media. So haven't had time to block. But that's next. I'm not talking about him to anyone except family and a very close friend, no one in the friend group. 

I will figure out how to block texts and calls.

Also, am dealing with a family tragedy so that has taken priority. 

[Wiseman2]

What did the note you enclosed say? Unfortunately someone who keeps breaking up is someone who doesn't love you and gets off on the power and contol of manufacturing chaos.

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What did the note you enclosed say? Unfortunately someone who keeps breaking up is someone who doesn't love you and gets off on the power and contol of manufacturing chaos.

I'm not enclosing a note, Wiseman. It would just give him a springboard to reply with his usual arguments and ways to try to get back in to the relationship.

You are so right about the power and control (and manipulation) of breaking up and causing chaos.

And thank you so much for the following sentence which I recognize as being the case and which helped me very much, "Unfortunately someone who keeps breaking up is someone who doesn't love you and gets off on the power and control of manufacturing chaos." 

 

Edited August 2, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease
spelling

[LivingWaterPlease]

17 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Thanks for your posts, kendahke. I've been out-of-pocket for a week and only do texts and email on my phone, not social media. So haven't had time to block. But that's next. I'm not talking about him to anyone except family and a very close friend, no one in the friend group. 

To be clear I did tell (some time back, can't recall exact time, when I first stopped attending) one woman in the friend group that I was quitting zoom to put some distance between the ex and me. But, haven't talked with her since.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Update. 

Short version: Dated a guy I'd known in high school. He broke up with me lots. The last time he did it I didn't reply to his follow up texts trying to get back together for reasons explained earlier in the thread. 

He then texted me asking me to return a thermometer he bought me and also asked me to send to him a t shirt I'd bought him right before he broke up with me. My question was about how to handle this request. Ignore or not. 

I did return the digital thermometer to him without a note. And also sent the t-shirt he requested.  A week later I get another better digital thermometer in the mail from him. He texted me telling me he wanted me to have something better. I did not reply because this is the type thing he would do to try to start up the relationship again. He texted me another time or two and I ignored, knowing if I answered it would start a discussion and we'd be back in the merry-go-round friendship.

I didn't block him and he stopped contacting me. So it's been about two-and-a-half months since I've heard from him. Last week his friend from our zoom group (a married guy) messaged me on FB and asked me to come back to zoom. Then begged me to. I think the ex put him up to it. But, I told him I was too busy and could hardly keep up with my life as it is.

Ruby, not sure if you'll see this or not but you mentioned in one of your posts on this thread something about making a clean break on this and being ready for something else. I appreciated your post but took that part with a grain of salt because being that everything socially is way slow right now I figured that door was closed for a time. Well, what a surprise it's been to have been contacted by someone I've not known but have known of and to find I'm interested in. Without getting too specific he's a friend of a friend type person and I don't know where it's going to go. He's moving very slowly but has made his interest clear. I will update by beginning a new thread if the R goes anywhere and if anyone is around that I've kind of gotten to know on here. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you for not replying to this guy anymore, OP. 

And you're right to stay off the Zoom group. You need to put major distance between yourself and him, in every way you can. Onward and upward. 

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Ruby, not sure if you'll see this or not but you mentioned in one of your posts on this thread something about making a clean break on this and being ready for something else. I appreciated your post but took that part with a grain of salt because being that everything socially is way slow right now I figured that door was closed for a time. Well, what a surprise it's been to have been contacted by someone I've not known but have known of and to find I'm interested in. Without getting too specific he's a friend of a friend type person and I don't know where it's going to go. He's moving very slowly but has made his interest clear. I will update by beginning a new thread if the R goes anywhere and if anyone is around that I've kind of gotten to know on here. 

That's great! I'm a big believer in clearing out the old to make way for the new. It can be scary to clear things out and suddenly have NOTHING where something was before. But in my experience, if you can do this with courage and stand strong on your own, it's hardly any time at all before something better appears. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good for you for not replying to this guy anymore, OP. 

And you're right to stay off the Zoom group. You need to put major distance between yourself and him, in every way you can. Onward and upward. 

Thanks, Expat! Very helpful as I was wondering if I was being a coward by not getting on zoom. I just have no desire to see or interact with him. Not that I dislike him or anything. Just kind of neutral but don't want to get sucked into a "friendship."

[LivingWaterPlease]

11 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That's great! I'm a big believer in clearing out the old to make way for the new. It can be scary to clear things out and suddenly have NOTHING where something was before. But in my experience, if you can do this with courage and stand strong on your own, it's hardly any time at all before something better appears. 

Thanks, Ruby! I don't know that this new relationship will go anywhere, frankly, but I'm really glad it was four months of nothing before the new person contacted me. Gave me a chance to realize things with the ex were done, get loose ends tied up, with both of us realizing it was behind us. And the new guy is very loosely connected to the old one, not as close friends or even associates but through mutual friends. So if anything were to develop with him a clean break from the ex is obvious. I doubt he knew the ex and I dated but if he were to discover it he'd know there was no overlap. Hope you are enjoying your great position in the new company and will at some point be back in an office situation if that's where you'd like to be.

Edited October 30, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Ruby Slippers]

That's great. I hope it all works out the way you want.

The new job is awesome, thanks! I hope I get to work from home forever. If I have to eventually go back to the office, I'll do it and it'll be fine, but I am LOVING the WFH life 😊

[mark clemson]

On 10/28/2020 at 8:28 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

He then texted me asking me to return a thermometer he bought me and also asked me to send to him a t shirt I'd bought him right before he broke up with me. My question was about how to handle this request. Ignore or not. 

I did return the digital thermometer to him without a note. And also sent the t-shirt he requested.  A week later I get another better digital thermometer in the mail from him. He texted me telling me he wanted me to have something better. I did not reply because this is the type thing he would do to try to start up the relationship again. He texted me another time or two and I ignored, knowing if I answered it would start a discussion and we'd be back in the merry-go-round friendship.

Whether you call it game playing, hoovering, or Drama Triangle, yes - these are transparently attempts to reel you back in. Be glad this is LD so you don't have to deal with him in person. He might be showing up at your house or similar.

I once had a girl act who eventually got quite nasty but later literally followed me around a room begging to get back together when I attempted to walk away. Foolishly I succumbed (common for folks to fall for this at least once or twice I suspect). Didn't take long before she turned into a total B again. Back then I was surprised. Now, not at all. Live and learn...

[Ellener]

People seem to find it very difficult to set boundaries on social media, give up Facebook etc and life is simpler.

[LivingWaterPlease]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Whether you call it game playing, hoovering, or Drama Triangle, yes - these are transparently attempts to reel you back in. Be glad this is LD so you don't have to deal with him in person. He might be showing up at your house or similar.

I once had a girl act who eventually got quite nasty but later literally followed me around a room begging to get back together when I attempted to walk away. Foolishly I succumbed (common for folks to fall for this at least once or twice I suspect). Didn't take long before she turned into a total B again. Back then I was surprised. Now, not at all. Live and learn...

Thanks, Mark! You're so right! I've counted my lucky stars many times that it's long distance. Weirdly, though, our first date was the best I've ever had in my life. And we had some fun dates later on.  

It's great you got away from the girl act and only went back one time! I went back to this guy many times, mainly because I knew that when he broke up with me next time it wouldn't bother me much. The drama got old, though. Live and learn, for sure!

[LivingWaterPlease]

11 hours ago, Ellener said:

People seem to find it very difficult to set boundaries on social media, give up Facebook etc and life is simpler.

So true about FB! I need social media for my work, though. And I don't post anything of significance that's personal. No family photos, etc. Mostly work stuff and sometimes I write a little inspirational thing and put it on there. I do try to add personal stuff that's fairly superficial and entertaining, though. And will never post a guy's photo until I'm married! Then, one photo announcing will be all.

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That's great. I hope it all works out the way you want.

The new job is awesome, thanks! I hope I get to work from home forever. If I have to eventually go back to the office, I'll do it and it'll be fine, but I am LOVING the WFH life 😊

Well, it seems many companies are transitioning to having at least some WFH after it seems to have worked out so well during the lockdown.You just may find that option available to you permanently! Fingers crossed for you!

Re: the new friendship. Thanks for your comment and well wishes about it. I'm not sure what way I want it to work out but am praying about it. Right before I met him I told God I didn't want any more broken relationships in my life. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone else ever again. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks, sweetie. 

I feel ya on being over the drama. Here's to good, uplifting relationships only.