Should I End it?

[Kellens]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. We’ve always had an argumentative kind of relationship but I’ve gotten used to it over the years and figured when our lives smoothed out so would our relationship.  When we first got together he was very loving and eager to please, I had never been treated so good and felt so “worshipped” in a way.  Our problems in the beginning came from jealousy on both our parts but I’ve completely moved passéd any of those feelings and he has gotten a lot better.  

Unfortunately I think all of the problems we’ve been through, him struggling with work and having problems with daughter, put a huge strain on our relationship that made me lose respect for him.  We also don’t seem to agree on anything anymore, it might have always been this way but I struggle daily with this now.  Any story in the news he doesn’t like causes him to blow up because I don’t agree with his opinion and we can’t have a regular discussion about what’s going on in the world.  

Like a lot of other people, I’m working from home because of Covid, and it’s been a lot more stressful for me since I deal with accounting and financial reporting.  For a couple of weeks in April and May, I had a lot of pressure put on me from work and my anxiety was through the roof.  I wasn’t eating or sleeping a lot and in the middle of May I had a seizure for the first time in my life, I was alone and wasn’t 100% sure that this is what happened but then 2 weeks ago I had 2 in one day, in front of my boyfriend and son. and have now been diagnosed with Epilepsy.

I’m 40 and have never had any major health problems and have always been very independent so this has been devastating for me to deal with.

When I had the first one in May, the doctor said it was most likely caused by stress so I blamed it on work and was hoping it was a one time thing and was looking into switching careers whenever the economy gets better.  I also started to examine all of the stress that I have in my life.  I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my life but have always pushed through I didn’t understand why this was happening now.

Of course this made me examine my relationship and I realized I wasn’t very happy and my partner wasn’t doing much to make anything better.

When I had the recent seizures 2 weeks ago, I was fighting with my boyfriend 10 minutes before the 1st one happened and I was laying in bed thinking about breaking up with him.  After witnessing my seizure, he was very scared, loving and caring and after the second one he promised to take care of me.  I told him I didn’t need much besides him being nice and not putting a lot of pressure on me.

We were fighting again within a day.. I also told him since I’m stuck in our apartment working from home that I want to be outside whenever possible.  He works in construction and comes home tired all the time and hasn’t wanted to take me anywhere.  We’ll go for a short walk and I feel like he’s treating me like a dog.  I know what’s going on in the world right now, I’m not asking to be wined and dined, I would like to go for a drive and watch the sunset or wake up early on a weekend day and go to the beach to enjoy it before people get there.  I want to go anywhere that isn’t this apartment.

I’m on medication that makes me depressed and sad, I’m not used to any of this and just want a small pick up.  I asked him to stop speaking negatively so much because it’s affecting my mental state and he gets annoyed at me. 

I think I need to write this all out because I want to break up with him but don’t know if I have the strength.  I’m a week out from an Epilepsy diagnosis and scared but I don’t want to stay with him and waste his time either.  His daughter is 8 and likes me a lot, she only comes over every other weekend but I’ve been in her life for half of it and she has a really crappy mother so I feel guilt about leaving her life.  He also moved in with me a few months after we got together and has nowhere else to go and doesn’t make enough to afford his own place.  

I’ve stayed in relationships too long before and vowed to never let it happen again but here I am.  I feel weak and mean at the same time.  There’s of course more to the story but this is way too long already.  I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting.  Sorry if I’m all over the place, my head is a mess.  Thanks for reading.

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Kellens said:

I want to be outside whenever possible.

Are you able to go out by yourself, without your BF (not sure because of the epilepsy diagnosis)?  If you can, then go by yourself where you want to go, whether he wants to go with you or not.  Or go with a friend or family member.  

It sounds like you need a little time and space to get your head clear.  Living together doesn't mean you have to share the same space the entire time he's home.  Tell him that since you've been arguing a lot you need some quiet time, go read or surf the net in another room, or sit outside if you have a space to do so.  

I know that's not ideal, but under the circumstances, it will give you a little time and space to think things through so you don't end up making a hasty decision.  When you have time to clear your head a little, have a serious talk with him.  But make sure you are in a calm state of mind and have thought through what you want to say before you do that so that it doesn't get derailed by emotion and turn into yet another fight.  

[Kellens]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.  I’m on medication that’s supposed to make me ok but since it’s early days I am being cautious about being out too far alone.  I have gone for walks alone, I’ve been doing it more lately.  I would like for us to drive somewhere just so I can see somewhere different and feel like I’m still part of the world.  I obviously can’t drive now and I’m leery about taking the subway (I’m from NYC) alone until I’ve been on meds for a month at least.

i also don’t have anyone that lives close to me and I haven’t confided in a lot of people about my diagnosis, I don’t want to act like a victim, I’m just really confused.  I would just like for him to try harder and I don’t want to make a hasty decision either.  I know he’s going through a lot dealing with my diagnosis, especially after seeing me seize twice and being in an ambulance and hospital.  I’m always the strong one who takes care of everything, I think I’m resenting that now because I don’t feel like I have anyone to lean on.

I’m going to find a therapist I think, I don’t want to make the wrong decision but I also just want to be happy.

[elaine567]

Seems to me when people get a serious diagnosis they tend to push people away as they are lost, upset, depressed, mixed up, unstable, angry, grieving for their health... and  cannot be bothered with other people as they feel other people do not really understand the problem.
I would not make any hasty decisions here. You have a man who is willing to stand by you. He is also lost, no doubt shocked and does not know how to handle it.
Do not be too hard on him.
Also...
Ok, so you break up.
Who is going to look after you?

[Fox Sake]

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me when people get a serious diagnosis they tend to push people away as they are lost, upset, depressed, mixed up, unstable, angry, grieving for their health... and  cannot be bothered with other people as they feel other people do not really understand the problem.
I would not make any hasty decisions here. You have a man who is willing to stand by you. He is also lost, no doubt shocked and does not know how to handle it.
Do not be too hard on him.
Also...
Ok, so you break up.
Who is going to look after you?

This is pretty much what I would have said too  although much less better constructed! 

Really good advice with some excellent points made. 
 

Having witnessed someone have a major seizure recently who had never had one before, I know how traumatic it can be for everyone. Especially the one that witnessed it. 

You both need to support each other right now. I would try and come to some sort of compromise and find out what it is about each other that really ticks you both off and then both make a conscious effort to try and avoid those kind of comments or arguments. If you can compromise with each other and understand how certain things make each other feel, then this relationship stands a great chance. 

Edited July 25, 2020 by Fox Sake
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