What have I gotten myself into?

[midlifecrazy]

Ok, not sure if this belongs on the infidelity forum, haven't actually done the dirty yet, but it seems as if a lot of people consider secret flirtations, emotional attachments, etc. as full fledged cheating.

 

This is a follow up to a long running thread I started 7 months ago about whether I should leave my marriage which seemed pretty bad to pursue a long lost love, a dream girl. During the course of that thread Dream Girl I decided early on was a symptom of my maritial problems and not a cure. However she did continue to play a part in the deliberations. At perhaps the lowest point in my marriage DG and I finally met again and talked, innocently enough. But it was also enough to make me feel what I hadn't felt in my marriage for a long, long time.

 

This really had no bearing on what happened next. MW has no clue about this woman. But we reached critical mass. We were on the very edge of breaking up and then we pulled back. Maybe being that far down the line made MW finally realize things had to change or we were finished. But amazingly things did change. We've had more sex and while its still not everything I wish it was, it may still be the best ever in our marriage.

 

So what's wrong? I still find myself attracted to DG, thinking about her, wanting to see her. And I keep running into her even when I'm not trying to.

The next time I saw her we didn't talk much, she was with a friend or family member. But when she first saw me she started to reach out like she was going to touch my arm but then seemed to catch herself and didn't do it. Because she was with someone?

 

Then today I go into the store. It's later than I normally see her in my town and I didn't see her car in the parking lot. But as I go in I see her in a checkout lane getting ready to leave. I don't think she sees me and trying to be a "good boy" I don't go running over to her. I'm curious though. I want to see what she's driving. I positition myself near the newsstand where I can see about a third of the parking lot. I wait there a couple of minutes but I don't see her so I figure she must have been in the section I couldn't see.

 

I go on about my business and spend another good 10 or 15 minutes shopping. I go out and am standing by my car getting ready to get in when a car goes past leaving the parking lot. It was kind of dark and I'm not positive but I'm 90% sure it was her driving. And she was waving at me. What would she have doing out there all that time? Has the hunter become the hunted? A Fatal Attraction thing?

 

The thing is I really like the idea that she also may be interested in me. I've decided to stay in my marriage but even though I hate to admit it, I know that if the chance came up to sleep with DG, I'd do it. WTF is wrong with me? Let the beatings begin.

[sylviaguardian]

The thing is I really like the idea that she also may be interested in me. I've decided to stay in my marriage but even though I hate to admit it, I know that if the chance came up to sleep with DG, I'd do it.

 

It's simple what the problem is. You are kidding yourself that you have decided to stay in your marriage. OK you might be there physically, mentally you are not. Do you think that your wife doesn't notice this and react to it? If you had really decided to give your marriage a chance you would not have already made the decision that you would sleep with DG if the chance came up.

[whichwayisup]

You're missing the feeling to be desired and looked at. You want that new and fresh exciting feeling that happens when someone new catches your eye. It's normal to enjoy the flirtations that happen throughout the day, at work, at the store...But, you're taking it to another level! Focus that energy into your wife and DO NOT go chasing after the OW...It's a cat/mouse game right now and it's all about ego, not love, not feelings, not even sex...Though as you say, given the chance, you'd do her in a second.

 

I think once the thrill is gone with OW, you'll realize what a horrible mistake you made. So, STOP yourself before you make that mistake. Fantasy is fantasy, but you're obsessing about it now, peaking around corners, looking for your dream girl.

 

How would you feel if your wife was lusting after some guy when you were trying to work on the marriage...Think about her, your wife right now. Get some help, some therapy, sounds like you're in the midst of a midlife crisis! Join a gym, play sports, capture some passion that way, but don't go lusting after the dream girl!

[Mz. Pixie]

MLC-

 

Hugs babe, wondered where you'd been.

 

You know, what strikes me is that even through you've decided to stay in your marriage, this is something you're forcing upon yourself. It's not what you want- because you can never have the relationship you crave with her with her having issues she is not willing to confront. It's your heart, that doesn't want this that continues to see DG as a out. You're building up a fantasy life because you do not have what you want with your wife.

 

Perhaps in some way, you're thinking that if you have an affair with DG- you will get caught and then the whole thing will be our of your hands? You don't have to be the one to leave or perhaps your wife will have this ultra clear moment of thinking and change her ways??

 

You're not happy, you know it. Question is, what are you going to do about it???

[midlifecrazy]

This is weird Mz P (hugs back BTW) and Sylvia, beause I really do feel like I've committed back into our marriage. Pix, you've been following this. You know how I've struggled and how close it came to being over. Granted Mrs MLC is still avoiding her issues. In fact I feel like I'm busy helping her dig a hole to bury them in. She had another bout of depression recently, I could tell. But she was as good as her word. She denied it and refused to talk about it. And eventually it passed.

 

I don't think it's a decision that I would go bed with DG. It's an admission that given that temptation I would fail. Maybe I'm weak, but I know my limitations. There was a point when I would have welcomed being outed just to bring things to a head in our marriage, as you suggest MzP. But now I really wouldn't want that to happen because things do seem to be going better for us in spite of everything.

 

But this thing with DG seems to have taken on a life of its own. It definitely does not all seem to be fantasy on my part. There are just too many coincidences. What if I HAVE sparked an interest in DG and she is running her own agenda? I have, in deference to working on our marriage, tried to avoid see her, but managed to run into her anyway. I have to admit too that when I don't see her for awhile I miss it.

 

You're missing the feeling to be desired and looked at. You want that new and fresh exciting feeling that happens when someone new catches your eye

 

Whichway may be closest to it. Combine that with some midlife crisis, add a little desire to recapture lost youth and season with the history DG and I share and voila'. MzP was it you that once said I sounded like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too? Maybe you're right.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I might have said that. I've said alot on your thread and probably don't remember my exact words. Basically what I've said all along is that you don't want to have to have a major blowup- or move out- you just would like something to spark your wife to have a AH HA! moment and that you have to face facts it's not going to happen that way.

 

You are the one with the power to stop this thing with DG. Quit frequenting any place you may run into her. Don't look her way or hang around to see what kind of car she's driving. Come on, it really IS that simple. Don't fool yourself into thinking because of all of this it's meant to be and someone is sending you signals......

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think there's anything mystical about the DG sightings either.

 

If you want to put "PAID" to the whole question.....consider sharing these concerns with Mrs. MLC.

 

I don't think you keep that girl "on her toes" enough.

[Outcast]

You know, what strikes me is that even through you've decided to stay in your marriage, this is something you're forcing upon yourself. It's not what you want- because you can never have the relationship you crave with her with her having issues she is not willing to confront. It's your heart, that doesn't want this that continues to see DG as a out. You're building up a fantasy life because you do not have what you want with your wife.

 

I couldn't agree more. I think you're too frightened to ever leave your marriage and so you've convinced yourself that the crumbs your wife throws you are enough to stay in the marriage. But you will stay there forever, wish for DG, and die regretting your unsatisfying life and the fact you never did anything to acquire the life you deserve to have.

[midlifecrazy]

Yeah, I'll admit I can avoid seeing DG anytime I really want to. I know she works and I know the approximate time frame she shows up in town when she comes in. All I have to do is hole up and not go to town myself during that period. Of course I did tell her where I lived. I guess if I start seeing her drive by my place I'll know I have an issue.

 

I had to go in again today and I went a little earlier then when I've been seeing her. Still I think I saw her car leaving town again, but I'm not certain. Funny thing is I went to the store and saw my sister-in-law in the same checkout lane DG had been in. That gave me a jolt back to reality. I realized that if she had happened to see me having a "heart-to-heart" with DG it would have gotten back to MW in no time flat. Still...

 

If you want to put "PAID" to the whole question.....consider sharing these concerns with Mrs. MLC.

 

 

LadyJ, on first reading that one gave me the willies. Then I thought about it and decided there might be some merit to that. The idea that she's not kept "on her toes" enough really strikes home. She's never really ever displayed any jealousy over me. When we were squabbling this summer I even told her that it seemed as if she thought no other woman would ever want me. Certainly didn't make me feel very wanted or desirable. Most of the time she would either say i should leave or she should. Never seemed to want to put up a fight for me.

 

Anyway I hesitate about mentioning anything about DG because things are going better now. I think that might deal us a setback. What would I do, use the "what if I had an affair" question. I guess I could say "Remember that girl you didn't think I went out with? Well, I saw her the other day". Maybe the best thing would be to make sure MW was with me sometime when I run into DG. Just give DG a polite hello and go on about our business. I know MW would be tearing out her hair by the time we got back to the car, wanting to know who she was;)

 

Outcast thanks for your always cheerful optimistic encouragement.

[midlifecrazy]

Of course none of the above really deals with the infatuation I have with DG or what to do about it. Deny it ? Ignore it? Bury it somehow? How do I do that? It feels so good. It's a rush,it makes me feel alive and young again. Damned endomorphins or whatever they are. They ought to bottle the stuff. I don't think sports or a hobby will ever be a substitute.

[Ditherer]

Of course none of the above really deals with the infatuation I have with DG or what to do about it. Deny it ? Ignore it? Bury it somehow? How do I do that?

 

Welcome to my world!

 

I've read all your other thread and have been following your case with interest. Thanks for sharing with us. I can't add anything constructive, heck I can't sort out my OWN problem, let alone shed light upon yours.. but I know part of how you feel.. and I'd like to wish you luck. Like me, you don't know if it's bad enough to leave, or good enough to stay, and there's DEFINITELY something more out there that you wish you could have. Tough, isn't it? I wonder if you've seen any of my thread and if any of it is any use?! (yeah right!!)

 

Hang in there...!

[Outcast]

How much information do you need, MLC? The choices are obvious:

1. end the marriage and pursue DG

2. go 'cold turkey' on DG and forget about her. That means you don't allow fantasies or thoughts of her into your mind. And yes, you can do this if you really mean to.

 

I'm calling a spade a spade, MLC; you want to have a happy life but not have to make any decisions. You want to just wait and hope that life will turn out perfectly. You want to have your cake and eat it too. It's 'magical thinking'.

 

I've never believed that you didn't know what to do - your problem is not being able to decide to do anything and nobody can do that for you. The ability to make decisions is one you'll have to cultivate, maybe with professional help.

[Mz. Pixie]

MLC-

 

Outcast and I have said the same thing from the beginning. Come on now, this is getting ridiculous.....

[midlifecrazy]

Ditherer, yes I have read some of your post, not the whole thing (you are a prolific writer) and it did remind me of my own situation. I even mentioned that to LadyJ. Good luck to you.

 

I know that I should drop this whole DG thing but it's just such a rush. I'm suprised to find out how much I enjoy the game even after our marriage seems to have taken a turn for the better. It's been a long time since I've felt like that. Then you throw in how great the s-e-x has been between MW and me lately and I'm one confused little puppy chasing my tail

 

So given the choice,Outcast, I guess right now I'd have to go with number 2.

I suppose I could up the ante somehow with DG. This is fraught (like that word?) with danger though. Either my whole fantasy world could come crashing down making me feel lousy or she could reciprocate and then I'd truly be in over my head. Best to just try to avoid her I guess.

[Ditherer]

Ditherer, yes I have read some of your post, not the whole thing (you are a prolific writer) and it did remind me of my own situation. I even mentioned that to LadyJ. Good luck to you.

 

Cheers

 

While I'm here, may I remind you of your post elsewhere in June...

re: Would you marry them again?

 

If you take our kids out of the picture, absolutely and unequivocally, NO! Which maybe is the true and regrettable answer to all the soul searching I've been doing lately.

 

Has anything really changed?!

 

Me, I don't think I'd even DATE mine again, let alone marry! As I like to say.. that really ought to tell me something!

 

Best wishes

[Ladyjane14]

What would I do, use the "what if I had an affair" question.

 

Probably NOT a good plan, unless you strictly WANT for her to put your suitcase in your hand and tell you to "send alimony".

 

I understand what you're saying, but I still think that your fascination with DG is symptomatic of your condition. I think it's coming from your inner stress, your sense of dissatisfaction with life. It's just escapism.

 

Years and years ago, I became somewhat obsessed with thoughts of an old boyfriend. I didn't share that with my husband. In fact, I'd have been mortified if he'd had so much as an inkling. However, my old boyfriend had died young, so there was no temptation for me to act on those feelings.

 

Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, I've come to realize that my fantasies regarding him were brought on by my own stress. I had just become a new mother, and felt entirely overwhelmed by the changes in my life...not to mention, quite hormonal. I still think of him from time to time, but with the diluted fondness of memories, and not with the fervor that I experienced then.....as if, I'd made a huge mistake in having followed the wrong path.

 

I shudder to think of how difficult it would have been to pass up that temptation if it had been in close proximity. I might have messed up.

 

So, I get what you're saying, truly I do. But you have to realize, that these feelings WILL fade, if you allow them to. You'll always have warm, fond memories.....but the dream girl you knew back then is NOT the same girl she is today. In a way, the girl you knew back then is just as gone as my old boyfriend.

 

You don't really know her anymore. Just like trading in one used car for another....you don't know what you're getting into. You might be able to see the milage, but you don't know how that car was driven. For all you know, the transmission could be full of sawdust. On the other hand, she might purr like a kitten. It's a crapshoot.

 

The only way to find out would be to throw away what you already have. Because you can't just try on a new partner like you would a suit of clothes. It's not right. There's no honor in it. And EVERYONE involved eventually gets hurt.

 

But this is the TRAP that so many people fall victim to. They try to ascertain the answers to all those 'used car' questions, thinking they won't become too entangled. But they do. Next thing, they're having the extramarital affair that they always SWORE they'd never have.

 

That "rush" you're getting IS important though. You just need to get it from something a bit more wholesome, that's all.

 

It would be best for both you and your wife, if you could talk about these things. Not about having affairs and being tempted by other women....but about how GOOD it feels to get that "rush".

 

Honestly, I believe at the midlife, men are just starved of some of those 'feel good' biochemicals. It's the temporary rush that a man gets from his forays into the world of fantasy that he's seeking....not the dreamgirl, or the little red sports car, or the summit of the mountaintop. It's all about the rush.

 

The previously steady 'feel good' chemicals aren't getting you through your day anymore. Your body has changed...is changing still. The "rush" is just a band-aid.

 

A woman can't understand it in the exact SAME way you experience it, because she's not a man. Her knowledge of male midlife is limited to whatever YOU share with her.

[midlifecrazy]

Good Lord, Ditherer, it's like it's Judgement Day and everything I ever said or did is coming back to haunt me. I might want to back off a bit on that June post and be a little less absolute and a little more equivocal. Perhaps I'm trying to fool myself but for now I'd say maybe no maybe yes.

 

LadyJ, I appreciated your story. It shows you have an idea of what I'm going through with the whole DG thing, only my forbidden fruit is still hanging right there on the tree. (BTW picturing her purring like a kitten doesn't do much to dissuade me )

 

Interestingly enough I did get an answer to one of my questions today. MW and I were bantering back and forth a bit.

 

"You need to find a woman who's as sexed up as you are" she said.

 

"Have you got somebody in mind?" I asked.

 

"You must really want to do it", she said.

 

"Well you're the one who suggested it. Would that bother you?" I said.

 

"YES!!" she said.

 

"Then you should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting it" I said.

 

This was part of a good humored exchange but I take it seriously also. I guess as far as MW is concerned I should have only fully domesticated oats left in my system and no wild ones left to sow at all.

[MustB1]

YOU want HER to get sexed up! Then help her do just that. Take your wife out of the house and into the fantasy affair you are thinking about. Meet out somewhere, get a room just for fun, stalk her at the grocery turn your own marriage around and quit trying to find a way out. Marriage is work but can also be so much fun IF you make it so.

Send your wife wild emails about what you want to do to her, and sign a different name. It doesn't matter if she KNOWS it's you, what may matter is how she responds. Tell her what you are going to do to her when you get home and then play a little and not DO IT RIGHT AWAY but hint around about it to keep her wondering and feeling uneasy. Start to presue your wife in a different way.

[MustB1]

"what have I gotten myself into?"

 

You haven't gotten yourself into anything other than your own mind and your own fantasy. So, you can get yourself out of there pretty easily.

[whichwayisup]

Whichway may be closest to it. Combine that with some midlife crisis, add a little desire to recapture lost youth and season with the history DG and I share and voila'. MzP was it you that once said I sounded like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too? Maybe you're right.

 

OK, with this in mind, now you know what it could be and why.

 

Make sense of it, deal with it and realize that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Life just doesn't work that way unless you live in certain area's in the States. OR it's the lifestyle you choose...Somehow I don't think you really want that.

 

I know how it is to miss that being desired feeling. Daily flirtations, innocent ones that take place throughout the workday. That's all normal and healthy! We gain good feelings and happy energy from it all...It's just you're taking it to an unhealthy and dangerous level - So, now, what are you going to do?

[Ditherer]

But we reached critical mass. We were on the very edge of breaking up and then we pulled back. Maybe being that far down the line made MW finally realize things had to change or we were finished. But amazingly things did change. We've had more sex and while its still not everything I wish it was, it may still be the best ever in our marriage.

 

Your original thread seemed to be more about having sex than about pursuing DG... so now you've got some sex life going again, perhaps DG should be left alone? I think you know it's an infatuation only (feels GREAT though, huh?!) based on an image of perfection you've constructed in your mind.. reality WOULD be nowhere near as good.

 

.. but you don't WANT to agree with this, any more than I would...!

[midlifecrazy]

B1, nearly my exact words to MW about wanting her to be the one who was "sexed up" for me. She told me I should act my age. I liked the suggestions about courting her, some good stuff there.

 

WWIU,Dith, I don't know about DG, better turn the heat down on my fantasy life? Last night when I was writing the TV had Johnny Cash singing "Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood and you're the one I need' as Gregory Peck was leaving his wife to chase Tuesday Weld. Of course that ended up turning out not at all well for Greg so I guess I should take that as a cautionary tale.

 

Got a different kind of rush today. MW decided we needed to go to town this afternoon and this was right during the time DG usually comes in. Man,I felt like a fugitive or something when we went to the store. Looking over my shoulder, trying to watch the clock. I figured if I did see her I'd do what I said earlier, a polite "how ya doing" and play the explanations to MW by ear. Didn't see her but that could have been close, phew!

 

Sometimes I think I sit around and analyze things too much. Nothing is ever going to happen with DG which is good I guess. I hope things keep on the upswing with Mrs MLC. I think it's still too early to tell. Hell she may get so sick of my adolescent (in her eyes) sex drive she dumps me. If she goes out looking for job I'll know she's had it with me.

[lust4life]

than a husband with an adolescent sex drive!

 

I think the suggestion about getting the marriage out of the house is a good one. If your wife is OUT she will start feeling like an individual again and not just a wife.

[whichwayisup]

Hell she may get so sick of my adolescent (in her eyes) sex drive she dumps me

 

Part of the feeling you have during your midlife crisis. You feel like a kid... Wanting to be free and run, do what you want, when you want...

 

Now, I could be waaaaaay off base, but why do you think in your wife's eyes she sees as adolescent? Cuz of the sex drive? Or is this how you perceive yourself?

[midlifecrazy]

Yeah, I think she views me as having an adolescent sex drive because I'm over 50 and still highly interested in sex. I've always felt that she on the other hand has the sex drive of a geriatric. Seems like after our first kid (MW was 18) her libido immediately aged about 40 years beyond her physical age. And it's never really recovered. I think I can count on my fingers the times she's actually initiated sex by physically seducing ME.

 

I'm not kidding myself about the recent improvement in our intimate encounters. It's as much about her not liking her other options as it is about pleasing me. She has told me and I beleive her that she could just as soon live without sex entirely. I on the other hand am ready to "go" at the wink of an eye Still we're getting by right now. It's a matter of compromising, a symbiotic relationship. She gets enough of what she wants and needs and now I am too. So we get by. I hope it continues.

 

Pulled in the drive tonight with the radio blaring one of the old tunes and singing along. MW met me when I came in the door and said she hoped the neighbors hadn't seen or heard me. I told her I had the soul of an 18 year old. She said she didn't want to be married to an 18 year old. I ain't ready for the boneyard yet and I'm not changing on that. So we'll see.