What have I gotten myself into?

[Ladyjane14]

Midlife is NOT old age. You two need to find some middle ground on your perspective. Any ideas on how you're going to accomplish that?

[midlifecrazy]

LadyJ, you along with others have mentioned the idea of us getting out and socializing more. This really struck home. It's something I've been thinking about because other than with our family we actually don't socialze much at all. We're pretty insular.

 

Earlier this year a couple of times I suggested we start trying to renew some old friendships and cultivate some new ones but MW just wasn't intererested. Lately I've been thinking along that line again, get out of the house an involved in activities with other people. I guess if Mrs still isn't interested I could drag her kicking and screaming or just go by myself until she decided to join me.

 

To try to keep her from premature dotage, I'd have to make sure it was miles away from bingo and flea markets and crap like that. Maybe go to a Grateful Dead or Stones concert. Might rejuvenate her a bit. Other suggestions?

[midlifecrazy]

Or see if she wanted to try a threesome with DG Ay Caramba!!!

[Ladyjane14]

Earlier this year a couple of times I suggested we start trying to renew some old friendships and cultivate some new ones but MW just wasn't intererested. Lately I've been thinking along that line again, get out of the house an involved in activities with other people.

 

I would say to follow through on your ideas. Don't allow yourself to get shot down by negativity. The proper foil for fire is WATER. Meet negativity with a positive attitude.

 

If you want to meet another couple for dinner, and the Mrs. decides she doesn't want to attend. Give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her you'll 'make her excuses', and that you'll miss her while you're gone. Wish her a good evening.....and then GO. You don't have to be mad about it even. You just have a nice evening out, and chat her up amiably with all the details when you get home.

 

One of the BEST ways to get a child to try a new food is simply to put it on their plate. You don't cajole; you don't bribe or threaten. You just put a small portion on the plate.....EVERY time you serve that particular food.

 

Say for example, you're serving green beans to a toddler. EVERY time you have green beans, you put 3 or 4 of them on her plate without comment. One of these days.....she's going to accidentally try one.

 

Now, she might argue that 'she doesn't want any green beans on her plate', but that green bean isn't hurting a thing. And for all I care, she can just LOOK at that green bean without touching it.....but it's staying on that plate anyway, because after all....I am the MOM.

 

You are her husband. You are fully within your rights to ask your own wife out whenever you want. You are also a grown man. And you don't need her permission to avail yourself to wholesome social activities.

 

Social events might be a green bean on her plate....but you have the right, as her husband, to keep that green bean right where you put it.

 

The best bet in increasing your social circle is to accept ALL invitations. After having accepted an invitation, return the favor and extend one of your own.

 

Make a point to attend county events. Apple festivals and 4-H fairs will get you out of the house if nothing else. And you can have a surprising amount of enjoyment in simply changing your environment for a few hours.

 

Mini-golf with the grandkids is fun for you both.....WHEN you also play. Make her a side bet on who will have the best score. An afternoon of bowling could lead to joining a team together. A day of fishing would allow you to gallantly bait her hook, and remind her that she's still girly enough to find earthworms 'yucky'.

 

Whatever springs to mind. It's all good....because you're getting out of the house, and allowing for the possibility of interacting with one another, as well as with other people.

[MustB1]

Or see if she wanted to try a threesome with DG Ay Caramba!!! :laugh:

 

 

Probably not the best suggestion you could make to your wife right now! (or ever!)

 

 

Suggestions. Leave her a note to find while you are at work, or call and tell her where to find the note. Make a 1/2 day appointment for her to go to a spa. Facial, nails, massage that kind of thing then have on the note that she is to dress semi formal and meet her DATE at ______ at _____ time. BOOK A ROOM! DON'T GO HOME. This is not a group outing, and I think it would be great if you had oils ready in the room, if she didn't get her feet done give her a foot massage.

 

Okay, activities for couples? Mixed tennis? Has she ever played? Or have you? You could take lessons together if you haven't.

A bowling league- I wouldn't , but it might be fun for others.

A dinner group. I used to do that, it was kind-of fun. You could be the couple that starts by having the first dinner and then asking the guests you invite if they might be interested in starting one. Meet once a month either at houses or restaurants or both. Get a local book about your area, then spend atleast every other weekend doing something locally. There are walking path books, biking trail books, antique shops, b&bs along the way-hint, hint! Oh, theres always dance classes, that is one thing all women seem to think is sexy, a guy that can dance. Cooking classes? Some resorts and b&bs offer those also.

 

I do think though it sounds like your wife is not thinking about lives BIG PICTURE, she sounds like she is fine with just being. That's sad but you can do so much.

 

I don't buy that she is annoyed with your little antics, like the radio blasting etc...I know I can give my husband some could you just quit that already looks but really inside I am thinking of how endearing it is.

Maybe, you could also add erotic massage to your field of what to do. There is a great 'massager' at bettersex.com that doesn't look sexual that can be oooooooooooooooOOOOO so sexual!

[whichwayisup]

Pulled in the drive tonight with the radio blaring one of the old tunes and singing along. MW met me when I came in the door and said she hoped the neighbors hadn't seen or heard me. I told her I had the soul of an 18 year old. She said she didn't want to be married to an 18 year old. I ain't ready for the boneyard yet and I'm not changing on that. So we'll see.

 

She needs to lighten up abit. What you did was fun and who cares wtf the neighbours think. It's not like you were out running in your underwear or taking out the trash naked!

 

This is just another sign maybe that you both are on different wave lengths and need to compromise. LJ ofcourse gave you more wonderful advice, so listen to her eh!

 

Keep your thoughts on the straight and narrow about DG too. It's NOT going to happen so why are you thinking of it and making it harder (sorry for the pun! LOL!) on yourself? Enjoy your wife, and show her a good time, make her want you!

[midlifecrazy]

Or see if she wanted to try a threesome with DG Ay Caramba!!

 

When I got my jaw unwired I would try to explain to her as to you all. That was a joke

[MustB1]

You can barely get your wife to have sex, I highly doubt there is one fiber of your being that thought THAT was a possibility!

 

It's not like you were out running in your underwear or taking out the trash naked!

 

That's my H and I kind-of find it funny too! I mean, it is silly not to just put on clothes but he figures his BIG WHITE BODY is somehow hidden in the darkness! Nope! It's not, so I often have a little fun and yell out to him to put some clothes on and then watch as he runs back to the house swearing at me!

 

There are more suggestions running through my perverted head. Would it be fun to get a bag and set it up with different sex acts, and a few times a week, one of you get to pick from the bag? She has you pick from HER bag, and she has to pick from your bag. I know some couples actually schedule sex, I couldn't do that buy I have played sex games kind-of like this one. I had given my husband a thanksgiving card, and told him I would do something to be thankful for and he could tell me what that something was. It was a terrific thanksgiving!! It was really fun. It was actually the day before thanksgiving and we had relatives with the kids for the night and we went to a hotel less than 3 miles from our home.

 

You want her to find her sexuality right? So, does your master bath have a personal hand held shower massager? That's a plus for the female body.

How about getting her a few pairs of benwa balls so that she can exercise?

[midlifecrazy]

Outcast, in answer to your suppositions about me in Ditherer's thread, I am not staying because I am afraid to be alone. You've suggested this before and you could not be more wrong. Unlike the Dith, I am completely certain I would do quite well living on my own. And that I also would have adequate female companionship as I desired it. In fact if we did end up divorcing, I think I would actually welcome freedom from being answerable to someone all the time. Able to come and go as I wished and there is nothing at all wrong with being alone if you are at peace with yourself. If I were single again I think I would want to savor it for awhile. I wouldn't want to live with anyone else for quite some time and even then I'd have to be awful damn sure of it.

 

I'm staying because I choose to. Because a lifetime with someone isn't something to be easily flushed down the toilet. Because of possible family reprecussions if we split. And most importantly because progress is being made. Things can still go south but for now at least I finally feel that both of us are working on it.

 

B1, you are a treasure trove of great ideas. Sex toys should be on the way to my mailbox even as we speak.

[Mz. Pixie]

Ummm, I hope she likes them but I'm reserving judgement until we hear back from you.

[aloneinTX]

Run as fast as you can from the wife for she deserves someone who doesn't play head or heart games.....if nothing else respect.

 

Take the DG since you truly are the same type.....players and what for it to happen to you.

[lust4life]

what does the last part of your post mean.

 

midlifecrazy, aloneintx may be onto something, if you pull away a bit your wife may become more attentive. nah, probably not. I say stick to the proactive approach!

 

Have you tried any of the suggestions that were posted and how is your marriage going? :bunny: Curious minds want to know.

[aloneinTX]

what does the last part of your post mean.

 

Wait for it to happen to you.......kind of like what goes around comes around.

 

Sorry about that

[midlifecrazy]

L4L, Not much going on right now. Things are just kind of middling, some good days and some not so good, the good outnumbering the bad, but I suppose average is the real winner.

 

Haven't put too much into action yet. Actually have our anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks so looking forward to trying for a blowout then. Oddly enough MW said something today about us having regular "date nights" where we take turns planning the activities. Duh, baby, that's what I'm been trying to tell you lo these many months. It was great to see it seems like she's finally getting it. So I'd call that progress. Unfortunately she has a bout of flu and is leaking drool, mucus and bodily fluids from inappropriate places, so no date night this weekend. We'll get it going though.

 

Tx, don't blame DG. She actually has no idea that I've been crushing on her. I guess this is what they mean by temptation. Lately though I've been doing a fairly decent job of resisting it. Haven't even seen her in passing for a couple of weeks now.

[MustB1]

sounds like a plan right there- making midlife crazy within the marriage could be lots of fun.

Sorry to hear about your wife. Her down time can be your planning time. Plan YOUR next few dates and that anniversary getaway! You could scare her by getting online and having catalogs sent from some WILD places but then really take her to a refined elegant place.

like leave info for http://www.desireresort.com lying around

but take her to http://www.fijiresort.com/index.shtml

 

Oh, sometimes just some stupid little thing can add so much to a relationship!

 

ps I am not buying to male protective bs , but it was a little cute while still being misguided and protective toward the wrong woman.

[Sami_D]

 

Take the DG since you truly are the same type.....players and what for it to happen to you.

 

She's not even an OW and she's getting some kind of blame here? This woman has no idea what's going through his mind!

 

In fact, I wandered into this thread and wanted to comment on something said a few days ago. Apologies if it isn't current in the OP's situation, but I just wanted to pick up on it, since no-one else had:

 

 

I suppose I could up the ante somehow with DG. This is fraught (like that word?) with danger though. Either my whole fantasy world could come crashing down making me feel lousy or she could reciprocate and then I'd truly be in over my head. Best to just try to avoid her I guess.

 

Yes, please avoid her. Please don't go messing around with someone else's affections if you're just using it as an amusing diversion to your uncertain (?) marriage. If you want some reasons why not to do it, just visit the OW forum.

 

I can't believe this non-OW has been bashed here, and she's not even involved!

[midlifecrazy]

Thank you Sami points well said and taken. It's not some macho protective thing about DG. It's just that in this situation she is totally innocent. It would be completely unfair to assign any blame to her.

 

Oh, I when I said at the start of this thread I thought she might possibly have been waiting on me in the parking lot, well now I think I'd have to go the opposite way and say I'm 95% certain it wasn't her after all.

 

You'll recall I said it was dark. Also it was maybe 60-75 feet away. The car looked similar to hers but somehow not quite the same. Anyway, the other day yet another sister-in-law stopped by. She was driving a car I didn't know they had and it looked like the one I saw that night. Also she resembles DG somewhat in build and hairstyle so I think that may explain the wave. As an added bonus she went to the same school as DG and is renowned throughout two counties as an invaluable source of gossip and information. So once again if I had been seen by her talking to DG with a big lovestruck smile on my face I'm sure it would have been on the circuit and back to MW in no time flat.

 

In my own defense, if there can be any, I'll say that I would never use DG just as an amusing diversion. That's why I said if she reciprocated I would be in over my head. I suppose it's terrible to say but at this point I honestly. I don't know what I'd do. I guess this is what temptation is about. I think I would fail.

[lust4life]

So if you fell to temptation would she or wouldn't she be a mild diversion? HOW could you know she would be more than that? Would you end your marriage? Oh, and exactly why are you fantasizing- is it because you are completely sexually satified within your marriage or is that lacking leaving space for you to long for more or something different?

 

Now, more personal- is there certain sex acts you would like to try but KNOW(or think you know) your wife would just not want to try?

[Luxie]

To be totally blunt, and honestly meaning no disrespect, this sounds like a 'crap or get off the pot' sort of situation.

 

The amount of detail you put into the small encounters you have with this girl seems to show you are building it up in your head and thinking about it a lot.

 

That's not fair to your wife, no matter who she is, so you need to make a decision. One way or the other. You can't have it both ways, not if you value the females as human beings with rights and feelings.

[midlifecrazy]

L4L, I would define a mild diversion as a one night stand, a bar pick up or a pay for play deal. None of those apply. Of course I suppose I could always be a diversion to her. Circumstances would dictate the outcome of my marriage. Yes sexual satisfaction is lacking and there are things I would like that MW flat out refuses to do or try.

 

Luxie, yeah I've been told that before. I've been struggling with this for some time and not too long ago we were on the verge of breaking up when we had a sort of breakthrough instead. Things are somewhat better and that's why I'm surprised to find myself still drifting back to this infatuation with a fantasy. It is temptation and I'm trying to resist but I'm finding it very difficult to put DG out of my mind entirely. And on the days when MW seems to be reverting to her old ways I find myself doing the same.

[Outcast]

I believe our friend MLC will live on the fence 'till the end of his days, frozen in indecision.

[midlifecrazy]

Hey Outcast, I took a personality test the other day. It said that I am an

"idealist/philosopher". According to that I am always striving for an ideal relationship and if I find myself in an unsatisfactory one I tend to try to improve it. Sounds so familiar it's almost scary.

 

Maybe that explains what you call fence sitting. The last dog hasn't died nor has the fat lady yet sung for our marriage. Probably also accounts for my infatuation with DG who reminds me of a long ago time when for however briefly I had a taste of the ideal. Sometimes for a rare, breathless, heady moment, the knave takes the queen.

 

(How's that for some idealistic philosophy? )

[whichwayisup]

The thing you need to decide...IS it worth giving up the life you know, the woman you love just to have a taste of something different? Yeah we all get bored at times in our lives, our marriages/relationships. It's MAKING that choice to be proactive and change things, shake it up abit at home so things are abit more fun and less daily routine. Make sense?

 

Your marriage wasn't unsatisfactory until you allowed to be, until you allowed yourself to get caught up in a 'what if' fantasy. That's all DG is. She has no clue about you and what's going on inside your head. Right? SO, what is the point? Focus all that energy into your wife, making the marriage better than it was before.

[Outcast]

Hey Outcast, I took a personality test the other day. It said that I am an "idealist/philosopher". According to that I am always striving for an ideal relationship and if I find myself in an unsatisfactory one I tend to try to improve it. Sounds so familiar it's almost scary.

 

Yeah me too. Better known as 'flogging a dead horse' or 'beating one's head against a brick wall'. Sounds very noble; tends to be mostly very stupid. But hey, good luck with it. You can beat a dead horse until the end of your days - it's not going anyplace soon.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think the horse is dead yet. But maybe he should just ASK the horse?: She could stamp her hoof or something if she's not.

 

Seriously, I've read both of MLC's threads, and I think that he's just looking for ways to improve his relationship. He made the decision quite some time ago to do that, rather than to discard it entirely.

 

It'd be nice if we could put our 'thinking-caps' on and HELP him achieve his current goals.

 

The last "mini-vacation" didn't go so well. Here, with the holidays appoaching, the kids and grandkids are bound to be taking up alot of time. Maybe another little mini gettaway would be in order? Something for just the two of them in advance of all the hubbub?