What have I gotten myself into?

[midlifecrazy]

OC, you flog what you want and I'll flog what I want

 

LJ Our anniversary is this week so we are planning to get away for a couple of days. Hope it goes better than our last trip. Who knows maybe I'll even get "back in the saddle again"

[midlifecrazy]

Time for an update, went on an almost second honeymoon for our anniversary. Very idyllic time, visited rustic artisans colony at height of fall foliage. Then a mini-adventure on a boat crossing the Mississippi, wine tasting at a hilltop winery overlooking a beautiful valley followed by a trip to a riverboat casino. Topped it off with a huge “rock” for her. On our anniversary itself “I” made love to “her”. Sounds wonderful doesn’t it? And yet, and yet….

 

It ended on a sour note. I am now convinced I will never, ever get the sexual gratification and fulfillment I need from MW. The good sex we had after the blow up has faded away. I think she feels the crisis is past and it’s now time to get things back to normal. Note the emphasis I placed in reference to our last bout of sex. That’s been 2 weeks ago. I’m not making the first move anymore. I’m sick of it. And I’m not settling for being given the “go ahead” by a shake on the shoulder. The next time that happens I’m going to tell her I’m here and available and if she wants to make love she’s going to have to make love to ME instead of laying back and expecting me to service her. The sour note was a light hearted suggestive comment I jokingly made to her on the way home. She blew up. After all that she jumped square in my sh&t.

 

Well , being upset with her I started mulling over all our years together. again. Then I recalled something and did a little research.. I have come to the undeniable conclusion that even at the very beginning of our relationship she started it by telling me a huge and crucial lie. And this is not about her abuse.

 

After a lot of thinking I decided I would try to live with it. When I tried to have a little fun with her hugging and kissing her first reaction was “stop it, you’re just wanting sex again”. I did stop it and I didn’t want sex with her. Don’t know if I’ll ever want her again.

 

So in this mood I go out and see who I was hoping I would see,DG. Didn’t get a chance to talk to her. It was a she was coming while I was going and a little car tag type of thing. There are still some things going on with this whole situation that encourage me and give me a hope I shouldn’t have. I know the saying about a woman scorned but a man spurned can only take so much too. Don’t know if anything will ever happen with DG but folks I do know I’m just an affair that’s waiting to happen.

[Ditherer]

Thanks for the update.. I was just wondering how things were going for you!

 

I think affairs are a very bad idea (easy for ME to say!!) though. You know you should either commit 100% to your marriage or face leaving it if you want more. It's all very well having an affair while thinking that if it was discovered it would be the 'easy' excuse for a divorce (everyone - including YOURSELF - would understand WHY you were splitting) but it complicates things and makes the split so much harder and bitter.

 

Horrendous choice, isn't it? I'm still trying to figure out what to do, myself. I'm waiting to see how I'll feel after Christmas - I don't want to ruin THAT for everyone.

 

Stay cool, be strong

[Mz. Pixie]

So, you'd rather cheat than make some demands, grow some balls and stand up for yourself???

 

Get this, MLC- I did ALL those things before I cheated. At least give her the courtesy of that after all those years.

 

If you approach her and give her a ultimatium- suggest MC- and she still doesn't improve then let the chips fall where they may. But damn it all you're not even willing to do that.

[pinkrosette]

I think you should put your obsession with DG on hold for say...a month.

 

During that time, see how you feel about your marriage. You have to see how you feel about it WITHOUT that rush going on with DG. I don't think you can get a good picture of your marriage while having that rush at the same time. Will you feel ok with your marriage without the rush? I'm guessing not since there's a reason you went looking for one.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh Pink- this is a continuation of a HUGE thread much earlier in the year- been there already.

[whichwayisup]

What it seems is ego is in the way. The love is there, but her shutting you down shuts you down...Instead of getting in her face about it and sorting it out, you run and hide...CONFRONT HER and GO to marriage counselling! You guys don't have a chance if you can't trust eachother. You make comments, jokingly (but knowing more than likely it's not going to go over very well) she reacts badly to it and is sensitive...She opened up to you emotionally and that is why she reacted badly to your joke. In bad taste.

 

The basic respect isn't there anymore. Why?

 

Maybe try putting yourself in her shoes. She can do the same, get in your shoes...Do that for afew days...Write notes about how you feel as her - And she writes as she feels about being you. Both of you then will understand things from the other perspective.

 

“I” made love to “her”.

 

Shoudn't be "we" instead of "I" and "her"? You two are a couple, start acting like it. Either decide to work things out or divorce.

 

Well , being upset with her I started mulling over all our years together. again. Then I recalled something and did a little research.. I have come to the undeniable conclusion that even at the very beginning of our relationship she started it by telling me a huge and crucial lie. And this is not about her abuse.

 

What was the lie? She didn't tell you about her abuse? Sorry, am I missing something here?

 

After a lot of thinking I decided I would try to live with it. When I tried to have a little fun with her hugging and kissing her first reaction was “stop it, you’re just wanting sex again”. I did stop it and I didn’t want sex with her. Don’t know if I’ll ever want her again.

 

Give and take...Take and give. That is an issue that can be worked on during marriage counselling. She isn't going to give you sex if her emotional needs aren't being met...It's a vicious circle...NO sex for you so why bother making an effort to give her what she wants...Right? Someone has to bend, you can't let ego get in the way here. Love is love - Remember that, it shouldn't matter "who is right and who is wrong" when the marriage is being worked on.

 

So in this mood I go out and see who I was hoping I would see,DG. Didn’t get a chance to talk to her. It was a she was coming while I was going and a little car tag type of thing. There are still some things going on with this whole situation that encourage me and give me a hope I shouldn’t have. I know the saying about a woman scorned but a man spurned can only take so much too. Don’t know if anything will ever happen with DG but folks I do know I’m just an affair that’s waiting to happen.

 

WRONG REACTION to have. Focus that into your wife. DG is just a fantasy so stop it! You don't "know" her at all...She is a figment of your imagination! You have built her up into a goddess in your mind, comparing your wife to her. That's wrong and another reason why the marriage isn't working because your focus is in the wrong place.

 

You say you're an affair waiting to happen??? YOU decide. Stay married, work on things at home. Or divorce your wife THEN go out and have your fill of DG. Don't DO it while you're still married.

[midlifecrazy]

Oh my God, I open the paper and the world shifts. DG has lost her daughter in a tragic accident. I feel so sick with grief and pity and sympathy for her I don't know what to do. And there really is nothing for me to do. I have no right to do so. Even anonymous flowers or an unsigned sympathy card would be an unwarranted intrusion on my part I feel. This is the worst thing anyone can go through. I guess all I can do is pray for her.

[Ditherer]

Oh my God, I open the paper and the world shifts. DG has lost her daughter in a tragic accident. I feel so sick with grief and pity and sympathy for her I don't know what to do. And there really is nothing for me to do. I have no right to do so. Even anonymous flowers or an unsigned sympathy card would be an unwarranted intrusion on my part I feel. This is the worst thing anyone can go through. I guess all I can do is pray for her.

 

OMG that's awful!

It reminds me of something that's made me wonder for months now - my 'affair babe' has a rather poorly dad and who knows how much longer he'll last... I've wondered would I be able to send any message of sympathy if the worst happened. I came to the conclusion that ANY contact is a bad thing, NO MATTER WHAT.. I should leave her to it. I wouldn't want to have any subconscious connection to such a miserable time of her life anyway. So long as I'm sure she'll eventually get through the grief and come out of it the other side... if we ever DO get back in touch I'll explain my reasons THEN. She has no interest in me now, so any contact would just confuse her, muddy the waters, complicate matters, I simply couldn't win.

It's so sad when I'd want to be able to provide some slither of comfort, but how valuable would a card, text, or letter be anyway, at a time like that?

 

So anyway, if you think she's got enough support from friends and family already, leave her to it for now. Maybe you can lift her spirits at some point in the future when the absolute misery has lifted some way.

 

Take care

[midlifecrazy]

An update for any still interested in my story. I'd been feeling down for quite a while as if nothing is ever going to improve in our situation. There was another long sexless spell and honestly I didn't feel drawn to be intimate with MW anyway. Things were seeming kind of hopeless yet not worth trying to change. Everything felt useless.

 

One night I lay in bed pondering the meaning of life (heavy, huh?). The best I could come up with was that life was for learning. Just what you're supposed to learn I don't know. Guess that's part of the learning experience.

 

Then I started a project of compiling our family videotapes and getting them organized into some kind of order. As I watched them it seemed to dawn on me that the real purpose of life is to love and to be loved. And I realized that I did and I was. I know how sappy that sounds but what can I say? There are many kinds of love and while I'll never have the Hugh Hefner or Hollywood orgy type, still I feel I have the best of it. Gettin' too old for that other crap anyway. Maybe you would call this another epihany.

 

All this is not to say that everything will be sunshine and lollipops from here on out. I know we'll still have our squabbles. Who knows, she may get ticked off at me one day and walk out. But I doubt it. By the way I did mention the DG situation to her. Not all the fantasy stuff just about her tragedy. Seemed to catch MW by surprise. Mainly she wanted to know how I remembered her from so long ago. She even brought her up in a passing comment the other day. When I think of DG now all I think of is how very, very sorry I am for her.

 

As for me maybe Outcast was partly right. I don't think I'm going anywhere or doing anything. Where he was wrong is in that I don't feel frustrated or bitter about it.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey MLC!

 

I'm still interested. Glad you came to some sort of "acceptance" with your sitch.

 

Pix

[whichwayisup]

An update for any still interested in my story. I'd been feeling down for quite a while as if nothing is ever going to improve in our situation. There was another long sexless spell and honestly I didn't feel drawn to be intimate with MW anyway. Things were seeming kind of hopeless yet not worth trying to change. Everything felt useless.

 

One night I lay in bed pondering the meaning of life (heavy, huh?). The best I could come up with was that life was for learning. Just what you're supposed to learn I don't know. Guess that's part of the learning experience.

 

Then I started a project of compiling our family videotapes and getting them organized into some kind of order. As I watched them it seemed to dawn on me that the real purpose of life is to love and to be loved. And I realized that I did and I was. I know how sappy that sounds but what can I say? There are many kinds of love and while I'll never have the Hugh Hefner or Hollywood orgy type, still I feel I have the best of it. Gettin' too old for that other crap anyway. Maybe you would call this another epihany.

 

All this is not to say that everything will be sunshine and lollipops from here on out. I know we'll still have our squabbles. Who knows, she may get ticked off at me one day and walk out. But I doubt it. By the way I did mention the DG situation to her. Not all the fantasy stuff just about her tragedy. Seemed to catch MW by surprise. Mainly she wanted to know how I remembered her from so long ago. She even brought her up in a passing comment the other day. When I think of DG now all I think of is how very, very sorry I am for her.

 

As for me maybe Outcast was partly right. I don't think I'm going anywhere or doing anything. Where he was wrong is in that I don't feel frustrated or bitter about it.

 

I have to say you got struck finally and it was realizing what life, YOUR life is about that brought you back. I think my dear, you realized what you were going to lose if you chose to go after DG. Ofcourse inside at times we all wanna run and try something new. Just get in the car and GO - But that can't happen once you've committed to someone. And yes, things won't always be 100% and you're gonna have dry spells throughout your marriage. You just never give up! Cuz when the dry spell ends, <---- is how you feel when you get !! I think you know what I'm saying. Roll with the punches as they come, don't go looking for them.

 

I'm sorry that DG lost her daughter, that is sad. You can feel for what this woman is going through, but don't 'worry' about her alot. I'm sure she has tons of family and friends around her.

 

It's good your wife knows abit more about her because I think by you telling her, it's made the fantasy more "real" life than just inside your head...Which now maybe you won't be fantasizing about her as often.

 

So, love your wife, enjoy what is infront of you and try your best to dig down deep and find that passion...The videotapes got to you - SO why not take it from there and spend some special time with your wife. Let DG go out of your thoughts...

 

Oh just fyi, Outcast is a woman eh...

[Ladyjane14]

I almost missed your update, MLC. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well.

 

 

One night I lay in bed pondering the meaning of life (heavy, huh?). The best I could come up with was that life was for learning. Just what you're supposed to learn I don't know. Guess that's part of the learning experience.

 

I think we all have to find our own philosophy about 'the Meaning of Life', otherwise we'd most likely go mad. I like what you wrote.

 

In MY philosophy.... Life is for the betterment of the soul. We learn the lessons that God has planned for us. And when we learn them well enough, our souls are a little more PERFECT.

 

I've often heard it said that, "God has a Plan for each of us." And for the LONGEST time, I waited for God's Plan to become apparent to me. But now, I don't think it has anything to do with living a huge and spectacular life. I don't think we have to 'run for President' or 'discover the cure for cancer' in order to be doing God's will. I think it's okay to live a very small life.....as long as you're learning the lessons that He wants you to learn.

 

Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I hope you NEVER think that you've settled....because you haven't. God loves us and we are imperfect. So, I don't think that he expects us to love only perfect people or to have perfect relationships with them. What would be the challenge in that?

[lust4life]

I still say keep trying to liven IT up. Buy her some calcium from natural oyster shell, and you just keep trying to bring MORE into your relationship. Being loved and loving doesn't mean you have to stop trying for total fullfillment, and being totally fullfilled doesn't necessarily ever have to happen in order to be fullfilled.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

MLC, thank you for updating your story. It is sooo romantic and I finally learned something about the married man that I secretly love. He is just like you: indecive and philosophical. He likes beautiful things, is loyal to friends and family, and would rather "improve" his marriage than throwing it out for something new. So reading your thread has allowed me to understand my situation with him. Heck, like you, he would most definitely NEVER leave his wife! Not necessarily because it has anything to do with me, but rather, it has to do with his comittment to his his wife and friend (who happens to be my husband.) -- Your post made me realize that!! I'll bet that he's fantasizing about me, too.

 

I wish you the best of times with your wife. I am glad to hear that sex has become less an issue of contention between you. There are more things to life, isn't so? For me, my goal in life has always been to become a better person and making the world a better place for our children. A better person, to me, would be someone who can find peace within herself. I am getting there, day by day, though.

[Presario]

He likes beautiful things, is loyal to friends and family, and would rather "improve" his marriage than throwing it out for something new.

 

Maybe you are beautiful, so your first claim could be true. However, the rest... Did he not cheat with you on his wife and your husband, his best friend? Did he improve his marriage by fooling around with you? Did he not throw his marriage out for you, something new?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Maybe you are beautiful, so your first claim could be true. However, the rest... Did he not cheat with you on his wife and your husband, his best friend? Did he improve his marriage by fooling around with you? Did he not throw his marriage out for you, something new?

 

Hey! Let's not hijack this man's thread! MLC is a good man, and my OM is also a good man. My OM did NOT have sex with me. So technically, he did not throw out his marriage or friendship. I am not in denial. Oral is not sex. Kissing doesn't constitute infidelity. When he was here, we had a good time. But we have not contacted each other in any form since he left. So technically, we don't have EA either. It is a secret crush. A fantasy that can stay that way....

[whichwayisup]

Oral sex may not be "penetration" sex, but it is a sexual act that turns on the horomones, brings on emotions which is something to think about.

 

If he never spoke to you again, told you goodbye forever, how would you feel? Crushed? Hurt? Upset? Sad? All these = Emotional affair. Sorry, but you are in some denial. A man and a woman who are "just" friends do not go down on eachother. Or kiss, make-out, and have a fantasy going on the side. The 'intent' is there, even if it isn't being completely acted upon.

[Presario]

Oral is not sex. Kissing doesn't constitute infidelity.

 

Oral sex is sex too, so is kissing the other man infidelity. There is a good word for your case: hypocrisy; or to use a euphemism: denial.

[midlifecrazy]

Hmm, should have checked back in sooner, but I didn't see any any e-mails showing that anyone else had posted and now I find all these responses. Thanks all and sorry for not getting back sooner.

 

Well it's another dry spell but doesn't bother me. So used to it I just no longer have much desire to have sex with her. In my last post I was referring mainly to the love of my kids and grandkids. I will do nothing to introduce any disorder or unhappiness in their lives. As for MW and me, we're allies, partners in caring for the family. We share the pride and joy of doing that. But I just can't think of us as lovers. I don't think we've been that for a very long time. We've lost that lovin' feelin' woowoow. Oh, sometimes we go through the motions but really it's just a show. That admission will probably lower my esteem in many minds but its the truth.

 

We're squabbling again. She started it this time over (get this) maple syrup. She's let it go now but I'm enjoying letting it secretly simmer and fester for awhile. We'll probably end up one of those couples who end up murdering each other when they're 92 years old over who used the last of the Poligrip.

 

LJ, WWIU, MzP, good to hear from you all again. (MzP, Your avatar gets cuter everytime I see ya!) Knowhow, I'd have to side with Presario about the oral sex. There was a time when it would have meant a helluva lot to ME to have that kind of "non-sex".

[FWIW]

I will do nothing to introduce any disorder or unhappiness in their lives. As for MW and me, we're allies, partners in caring for the family. But I just can't think of us as lovers. I don't think we've been that for a very long time. We've lost that lovin' feelin' woowoow. Oh, sometimes we go through the motions but really it's just a show. We're squabbling again. We'll probably end up one of those couples who end up murdering each other

 

Ah, the old 'staying together for the kids'! That's your choice, if that's what is most important to you. Personally I'm still having huge issues with the idea of staying in a marriage (which is supposed to have LOVE at it's very core) when the love has gone. I just hope that, 20 years from now, you don't look back and regret this. Kids are hardier than you think.

 

I'm not trying to encourage you to split up, just to think some more. It sounds like you're 'settling' and haven't really resolved the issues as much as you need to.

 

But what do I know?

[Ladyjane14]

When you stop working for a better relationship, MLC....then you have settled. Like I said before, no one is perfect. Stands to reason that rule would go for relationships too. But that doesn't mean that you don't strive for a more perfect union with your mate.

 

It's one thing if you feel that there's an honest effort on your wife's part to understand and meet your ENs, particularly if you're doing the same for her. It's okay to come up short when there's effort. Heck, EVERYONE comes up short at one time or another.

 

It's something wholly different to throw in the towel and give up working on it altogether. That's "settling". Because it's NOT the best that either of you can do.

[lust4life]

We're squabbling again. She started it this time over (get this) maple syrup. She's let it go now but I'm enjoying letting it secretly simmer and fester for awhile. We'll probably end up one of those couples who end up murdering each other when they're 92 years old over who used the last of the Poligrip.

 

 

Heck, I would squabble with you too if I wasn't getting any! Try to do something- get some romance going. Or ask her if she needs another man to make her stir.

[midlifecrazy]

L4L, you've come in late itn the story. She doesn't want any nor does she want the man she's got,(or any other) at least in that department. She's done gone out of business.

 

LadyJ,yes I guess I have settled. No, I don't think she's ever made the honest effort to even TRY to understand or meet my needs. You know pretty much the whole story, how she's drug her feet and resisted everything I've tried to do to improve our relationship. I think to her the conflict over the past year has just been like some kind of strorm to be weathered and now at last to her it seems to have subsided.

 

I too have quit trying to improve things. It's no use and after a while of banging your head against a wall it starts to hurt. Not really staying together FOR the kids. They're all on their own now. I was thinking about the grandkids. Heck maybe I'm just using them for an excuse to do nothing.

 

Oh, and it's not that I'd never leave under any circumstances. I'm used to the lack of affection, physical and emotional intimacy and plain ol' sex. But we had another nasty flare up I don't even remember what about this time. I'll put up with a lot of stuff but disrespect and putdowns, I won't. When those happen I think maybe I ought to just finally chuck it all in and try to get a little peace in my life. So there are still things that would push me out the door.

 

Valentine's eve, second anniversary of the huge fight. I still am capable of learning. A shiny trinket for her this time to head off a re-run of that awesome battle.

[midlifecrazy]

Maybe I'm just blogging now. Hmmm, looking at my last couple of posts seems as if I was pretty down at the time. Things have gotten a little better.

 

Maybe that's because I made a conscious decision to start being happy, to find joy in life and take it as it comes. (wish MW would (sorry,sorry, just kidding). Anyway, overall I have a pretty decent life and that's more than a lot of people can say. What's the old song? "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative...", that's good advice. (pay attention Dith).

 

Anyway, after 5 or 6 weeks MW made her expected move and despite what I may have wrote earlier I caved like a termite ridden tenement. Went at it enthusiastically and energetically. An odd thing happened during the activities. I looked at MW's face and she looked incredibly young. I swear this is true and has never happened before. I guess it was some kind of mind thing, an illusion or something but she looked for all the world as if she were 18 again (ladies, e-mail me for fountain of youth treatments). Anyhow that was pretty neat.

 

Been reading some quantum theory, hell maybe I'm timeshifting. So anyway, things are on an even keel for the moment so I'll just keep thinking happy thoughts. I have a little news of DG but I'll get to that tomorrow maybe.