This may sound ridiculous....

[Midwestgirl]

My 20 year marriage has quickly gone down the tubes over the past year. The past few months, not a week goes by where we are not fighting about something -usually starts off really stupid then explodes. Then we get along for a few weeks, then repeat again. I keep waiting for my “aha” moment to just say I’m done. Couple recent ones popped up. My HS prom date posted a pic of us on social media-Prom was 27 years ago. I don’t talk with him at all. My husband was furious and demanded I call the man to remove the photo. I refused because I did not see the big deal. My son even left a couple rude comments about it which embarrassed me but my husband totally supported him. I shut my account down. This is just one example of our deep rooted problems. Tried therapy, didn’t go well. He has very little trust in me and is constantly questioning when I texting, where I am, etc. even recorded me on my phone through the window while I was relaxing in tub. I’m not saying I am without flaw. I’m not a great communicator for one. To make a very long issue short, my children are off to college very soon but the one crazy and shallow hang up I have is losing my weekend home. It is my/our sanctuary and not replaceable. I am actually putting up with this marriage a lot because I don’t want to lose my home. It seems so shallow . Am I nuts for thinking like this?? What are thoughts on the prom pic thing? Thanks guys.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Midwestgirl said:

 He has very little trust in me and is constantly questioning when I texting, where I am, etc. even recorded me on my phone through the window while I was relaxing in tub. I’m not saying I am without flaw. I’m not a great communicator for one..

Sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds controlling and a tad abusive . Joint therapy is not indicated in these cases. You need to confidentially go to therapy . Do not tell him. Also reset your social media privacy settings. Yes. limit the content. Make sure you have your own money, credit cards and funds that he is unaware of.

 

The HS pic is just a way to intimidate and control you and keep you under his thumb. . Begin, slowly but surely to start a departure plan. Start privately severing things. Confided in trusted friends and family about what is going on. Stop telling him what upsets you or defending yourself.

 

Change all your passwords on all your device and accounts. He is acting like the enemy so treat him as such. Do everything covertly and unnoticeable.  Do not argue or explain anything. Make all conversations dull  not emotionally charged and mundane such as 'do we need milk'?.

His pulling you in by pushing buttons is a form of control. He enjoys watching you squirm and get upset. That's how people like this operate. You can not change or fix him. 

[BaileyB]

No offence, but this sounds rather ridiculous to me. You are currently fighting with your husband because a guy that you haven’t seen in 27 years, that you have no contact with, put a photo up on social media of the two of you from high school. Most people would see the photo and say - “Gosh! Look at the terrible 80’s fashion...” The fact that your husband was threatened by this and that you are arguing about this is... ridiculous. 

Your husband doesn’t trust you. You say you have done nothing to warrant his distrust. Is this a long standing behavior for him? Has he had an affair in the past? Have you considered that he may be in fact behaving inappropriately and is deflecting?

The recording me without my knowledge or consent would be a no go for me. That would seal the deal for divorce. 

As for the vacation home, I get it... You love your home and you want to keep it. Then you need to decide, how much are you willing to put up with to keep your home? I’m not so sure that I would find it particularly peaceful place to be, if it meant I had to stay in a relationship that brought me conflict, frustration, and a jealous/controlling husband. 

[Midwestgirl]

33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Your husband doesn’t trust you. You say you have done nothing to warrant his distrust. Is this a long standing behavior for him? Has he had an affair in the past? Have you considered that he may be in fact behaving inappropriately and is deflecting?

So a couple things......the down spiral began when I found out he was seeking out convos with women on social media. Then he’s been without a job for many months with lots of time on his hands. He went through my laptop one day and got into my contacts which many are outdated from group emails involving parents and sports teams. He honed in on 3 men in particular who I have never even met before.  He found a few cute selfies I had taken and was insistent I shared them, which I did not. He has even started to question my whereabouts if I’m late coming home from work. He is pretty convinced I’m in an affair.

[Ruby Slippers]

Have you tried marriage counseling? You took vows to love and honor this man till death do you part, so it seems you should try everything before walking away.

[DKT3]

This doesn't feel genuine,  I think you're not telling the whole story.

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, Midwestgirl said:

So a couple things......the down spiral began when I found out he was seeking out convos with women on social media. 

Very often, those who accuse others of cheating are actually the ones doing the cheating.

Do what you can to see if he's still contacting other women.

[Blind-Sided]

42 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

This doesn't feel genuine,  I think you're not telling the whole story.

I agree. 

After 20 years... the only reason he would be "Snooping around" is if he had a reason to. Before my exW went nutz... I both of our phones, computers, tablets where unlocked, and just laying around.  I would often grab her laptop if it was close to were we were sitting... and she would do the same.

[Noproblem]

I think you are in abusive relationship. It is time for you to let go of the shallow, superficial materials things and reclaim your life, your freedom, and yourself.

It's not too late, it's never too late to start over.

 

Let him go!

Your kids are grown up now, it's time for you to take care of you!

 

 

[Noproblem]

2 hours ago, Midwestgirl said:

So a couple things......the down spiral began when I found out he was seeking out convos with women on social media. Then he’s been without a job for many months with lots of time on his hands. He went through my laptop one day and got into my contacts which many are outdated from group emails involving parents and sports teams. He honed in on 3 men in particular who I have never even met before.  He found a few cute selfies I had taken and was insistent I shared them, which I did not. He has even started to question my whereabouts if I’m late coming home from work. He is pretty convinced I’m in an affair.

you are a grown up, you can share your selfies, I am sorry that you have to live with someone who control your life and what you can and can't do.

Please leave him!

[Noproblem]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Have you tried marriage counseling? You took vows to love and honor this man till death do you part, so it seems you should try everything before walking away.

Vows can be broken, not reliable thing to stay with abusive controlling man!

such men never change, and dragging it will only make her lose another year of her life!

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds controlling and a tad abusive . Joint therapy is not indicated in these cases. You need to confidentially go to therapy . Do not tell him. Also reset your social media privacy settings. Yes. limit the content. Make sure you have your own money, credit cards and funds that he is unaware of.

 

The HS pic is just a way to intimidate and control you and keep you under his thumb. . Begin, slowly but surely to start a departure plan. Start privately severing things. Confided in trusted friends and family about what is going on. Stop telling him what upsets you or defending yourself.

 

Change all your passwords on all your device and accounts. He is acting like the enemy so treat him as such. Do everything covertly and unnoticeable.  Do not argue or explain anything. Make all conversations dull  not emotionally charged and mundane such as 'do we need milk'?.

His pulling you in by pushing buttons is a form of control. He enjoys watching you squirm and get upset. That's how people like this operate. You can not change or fix him. 

I agree with Wiseman2.  Telling your side to a therapist may bring this issue more to light for you.  

[schlumpy]

If you haven't talked with your prom date for 27 years then how exactly did you find out about him posting this picture? If your son made rude comments about it then wasn't it on your Facebook page? I'm a bit confused about the posted picture.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Midwestgirl said:

So a couple things......the down spiral began when I found out he was seeking out convos with women on social media.

He is pretty convinced I’m in an affair.

I too feel like we are only getting part of the story...

In other words, while he was forming relationships with other women... he somehow became convinced that you were cheating. That’s an interesting coincidence...

[DKT3]

I think people are too quick to jump on the abuse train.

It sounds like OP has been unfaithful in some way, there are several clues, some have been pointed out.  The one most telling in my mind is her son getting involved with the man she claims to had no contact with in 27 years but he posted pictures.  What would drive her son to feel the need to get involved?

Biggest clue is, people married for long term don't just randomly start being vigilant about their spouse's behavior for no reason.  There is definitely more to this story. 

Abusive behavior? Sounds more like a betrayed spouse verifying, and finding information that suggests she is being less than faithful. 

[Midwestgirl]

14 hours ago, DKT3 said:

This doesn't feel genuine,  I think you're not telling the whole story.

You’re insinuating that I am to blame for this mess and there is more to the story. Of course there is lots more to the story but none that makes me a cheater. Our lives changed alot last year. He was terminated from 2 employers for some unethical practices with his job. In order to pay bills, i took on 2 additional jobs which took me out of the house 5-6 days per week instead of 2 days while he sits home with time on his hands. I make enough to pay all our bills and i think that makes him feel threatened. And because of my ability to not be reliant on him, my attitude shifted and I have gotten more confident and stand up to him way more. In between the terminations is when. I Discovered the FB chats he was having. A lady sent me screenshots. I did not go looking through his stuff.  I am very certain this has stopped. As for the post of my prom, someone commented that seemed confusing. Its not really. I got a notification that my son commented on a photo of me. I hadseen photo earlier but to me it was no big deal- literally had not spoken with the kid in 27 years. He posts the pics of old days alot. Theyre just for fun. Again, i thought it was absurd that i was told to call the guy to remove photo. My husband said he will if i will not. I said go for it. And as crazy as it sounds, i do not consider this abuse. I have had a decent marriage and up to now he has been a good provider with probable mental health issues. This behavior is not really new, just amplified in past year. My parents have seen how i am treated and urged me to seek divorce. He found a letter to me from them and thats added to the turmoil too. He gets upset with me if i run late at work and prefers a text as I am closing up my office and a call when I get in car. Says it is so he can have dinner ready when i get home. I feel like in some ways, he is really trying but other ways he is pretty messed up. He is one of a kind, that is for sure. First guy to give the shirt off his back to a stranger. So ya, there was more, way more, but please do not assume I am a cheater.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Listen to your parents now that you are financially independent.

[BaileyB]

I’m wondering if he willing to seek help for his mental health issues? 

I’m sorry that things are getting worse this year. That happened to my partner, his ex wife developed mental health issues and things steadily progressed into a situation where he could not stay in the marriage. The mental health issues can have a HUGE impact on the health of your marriage. Add in other things that would be dealbreakers for many including a job lost due to questionable ethics and the fact that he was exploring his options with other women... I trust your parents judgment, if they say you need to leave the marriage, that’s a red flag for me. 

[schlumpy]

The things you have outlined would certainly be a blow to your husbands self-esteem. You could even put off his suspicions about you having an affair by pointing to his extracurricular chatting activities. Cheaters seem to be suspicious that their SO is also cheating. It's probably a defense mechanism to cover their feelings of guilt.

I agree  with you. He is nervous because you have options. He sees you moving forward in life while he is standing still.

I also understand that your feelings for him are frazzled.

Are you considering your parents advice? That carries weight more or less depending on the individual.

Any chance that marriage counseling will bring him around? And if not MC then what about individual counseling?

In my humble opinion, his fear of you cheating directly tied to this new confident you. If he has evidence then put it on the table. If it's just suspicion, then he will have live with it as long as you are reassuring him that he is in a safe place.

What does the new confident you want to do?

 

[DKT3]

What you posted would make alot of sense if not for the son.  You still didnt explain that part. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Women who make more than their partner usually cannot respect them enough to have a serious relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like he can't handle the shift in income and his self respect is at an all time low. But that's no excuse for making your life hell with paranoid accusations and controlling behavior. Talk to your parents some more. 

4 hours ago, Midwestgirl said:

 I have had a decent marriage and up to now he has been a good provider with probable mental health issues. This behavior is not really new, just amplified in past year. My parents have seen how i am treated and urged me to seek divorce. 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

Trouble is once a guy starts on this path, then it rarely gets better.
Seems he has recruited your son to stick the boot in too...

 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Listen to your parents now that you are financially independent.

OP, if you are financially independent you can go.  You can always get another house.

[Ruby Slippers]

Most people's answer on this board when trouble arises is "leave." Well, that's fine for dating, but once you take marriage vows, you've promised to try everything possible to work it out before leaving.

These are complex issues that a message board can't solve. You need a good marriage counselor. If you walk away from your marriage without trying everything, then it seems your word/vow doesn't mean much.

This is not all his fault. He's not a demon and she's an angel. It takes two to tango. Both have contributed to the issues. It will take the focus and commitment of both to resolve them.