New here

[Briks]

Hello, please have patience for this beginner here. 

I'll make this as brief as possible. We've been together almost 30 years, my first true love if you will. Fast forward, we have 2 kids, a house, 2 cars, the whole kit. Over the years our sex life dwindled down to a sad state. When I got pregnant with our second I had some stomach issues and couldn't lose the weight unfortunately. I am by no means obese but maybe chubby. I try to eat and keep fit but my stomach will never be the same. He always used to say he doesn't like "fat chicks". The second child is going on 9 and I don't remember the last time we fooled around, it's been YEARS.  

I take care of everything around the house, the kids, appointments, laundry and so on. I get up early make everyone's lunches for the day, kids ready for school then drop them off then myself to work. He gets up minutes before he has to leave and gives me a quick kiss (1 quick kiss 1x a day, that's all the action i get) then he leaves. After work I come home and cook and clean up, his excuse is he doesn't know how to cook. Well it doesn't take much to do nuggets or even google something online.  Or if he doesn't want to cook IMO he could take care of other things, but he doesn't. 

Last summer he got pretty sick, of course I took him to the hospital, picked up meds, etc. He's much better now. I forgot to mention he used to say he couldn't get hard anymore, I honestly think it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. I've come out and put it bluntly, if you don't want to be in this relationship just say so. We can work out visits with the kids, split what we have and that'll be it. He said no no, of course I want to be with you.  I've said I think you just like having someone around to take care of you because you are lazy!

This morning the kids and I ran errands, when we came back I found him jerking off to some video. Of course he stopped but didn't come out of the room, I had another appointment so kids and I had to leave again, said bye and that was that. I get home nothing is said about the incident. We've been together this long,  we should be able to talk about these things, right? He always used to deny jerking off even after I've found his clean up cloth bunched up in the corner. I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. I feel so hollow, so hurt and betrayed.

I am so hurt and disappointed by this, I knew deep down he always did it behind my back but to catch him this time has really hit me on the gut. 

Should I confront him about it? I am feeling like I am done with the whole relationship and his lies, tired of being his maid. We really feel like just roommates, or he's my third child. I am doing my best to do everything but it's all just falling apart it seems. 30 years is a long time and I don't have anyone to talk with, so I turn to you. 

I might have left info out but I think you get the idea. Thank you. 

[basil67]

Hi Briks, I think him choosing porn over you is just one of many problems in your marriage.   I'm going to start by stating that when reading all this, I couldn't find a reason for you for you to still be with him.  You've already worked out how a divorce could look and I'm going to guess that you fantasise about being free.  It's past time for you to go.

In all seriousness, what is keeping you with him?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, Briks said:

Hello, please have patience for this beginner here. 

I'll make this as brief as possible. We've been together almost 30 years, my first true love if you will. Fast forward, we have 2 kids, a house, 2 cars, the whole kit. Over the years our sex life dwindled down to a sad state. When I got pregnant with our second I had some stomach issues and couldn't lose the weight unfortunately. I am by no means obese but maybe chubby. I try to eat and keep fit but my stomach will never be the same. He always used to say he doesn't like "fat chicks". The second child is going on 9 and I don't remember the last time we fooled around, it's been YEARS.  

I take care of everything around the house, the kids, appointments, laundry and so on. I get up early make everyone's lunches for the day, kids ready for school then drop them off then myself to work. He gets up minutes before he has to leave and gives me a quick kiss (1 quick kiss 1x a day, that's all the action i get) then he leaves. After work I come home and cook and clean up, his excuse is he doesn't know how to cook. Well it doesn't take much to do nuggets or even google something online.  Or if he doesn't want to cook IMO he could take care of other things, but he doesn't. 

Last summer he got pretty sick, of course I took him to the hospital, picked up meds, etc. He's much better now. I forgot to mention he used to say he couldn't get hard anymore, I honestly think it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. I've come out and put it bluntly, if you don't want to be in this relationship just say so. We can work out visits with the kids, split what we have and that'll be it. He said no no, of course I want to be with you.  I've said I think you just like having someone around to take care of you because you are lazy!

This morning the kids and I ran errands, when we came back I found him jerking off to some video. Of course he stopped but didn't come out of the room, I had another appointment so kids and I had to leave again, said bye and that was that. I get home nothing is said about the incident. We've been together this long,  we should be able to talk about these things, right? He always used to deny jerking off even after I've found his clean up cloth bunched up in the corner. I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. I feel so hollow, so hurt and betrayed.

I am so hurt and disappointed by this, I knew deep down he always did it behind my back but to catch him this time has really hit me on the gut. 

Should I confront him about it? I am feeling like I am done with the whole relationship and his lies, tired of being his maid. We really feel like just roommates, or he's my third child. I am doing my best to do everything but it's all just falling apart it seems. 30 years is a long time and I don't have anyone to talk with, so I turn to you. 

I might have left info out but I think you get the idea. Thank you. 

Oh c'mon...   prep for the difficult conversations you might need to have by inviting him into the kitchen and cooking (food, I mean) with him.

 

Try new dishes...   something where there is enough prepping for two people to do, even if one is the 'guide'...   

 

 

I think BOTH of you signed-off years ago  to accept a life of coexistence, and little more.

 

At some point YOU need to control your own destiny...

 

Of course that begins by your figuring out what YOU want.  

 

Someone who doesn't know how to cook  may have plenty of aptitude, and once that is discovered (by him, too)... then his interest might pick-up as he learns how to cook.

 

AND, finally, the best way to fully know what you've got on your hands and where you are... is to bravely stick your neck out...  and if he makes no effort in any direction near you, then just end it already.

You have to show your own vulnerability if you want his.

 

And somebody else was right... the porn issue doesn't even rate on the scale in your case.

 

 

[schlumpy]

Just for clarities sake was there a period of time during the marriage where you denied him intimacy? Something like him wanting sex three times a week and you keeping the frequency to once a week for example. Using excuses like the kids will hear or I'm too tired.

Have you every had an affair that you think he doesn't know about?

 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Just for clarities sake was there a period of time during the marriage where you denied him intimacy? Something like him wanting sex three times a week and you keeping the frequency to once a week for example. Using excuses like the kids will hear or I'm too tired.

Have you every had an affair that you think he doesn't know about?

 

I assume she did, which is why she included the part about weight after the second child and her stomach issues. 

I'll have to admit,  there was a period after our last child that my wife constantly complained about her body and its was really a turn off. She was maybe 15 pounds heavier,  but she is 6' tall and I couldn't tell other then her weight number. 

[JenY]

You know what they say about making assumptions....geesh🤔

[DKT3]

Assumptions? Maybe.  Just know, we have a lot of posters here well versed in cheater justifications and cheater language.  This stuff matches.

[Wiseman2]

Marriage therapy would help get the cards on the table and start a dialogue.

Stop doing all the household stuff and resenting it. Just stop. Cook clean shop etc for yourself and your kids only.

You're assuming he's not attracted to you. He's telling you he has ED. Which is it?

ALL these issues, your resentment his laziness, the complete lack of affection, etc need to be addressed in marriage counseling 

[Briks]

First off, thanks for the replies. 

No, I never denied sex, I've even offered to get him off to try and get that spark back. And heavens no, please do not even insinuate I've cheated, never have never will, it's not my style.  

I tried to get him into the kitchen to help out but he always says he doesn't know what to do. 

What's kept me, well sounds silly but I believe when you're with someone you stick with them through thick and thin.  My mom always had put up with my dad and I saw that growing up. It wasn't an easy upbringing but that was my example however now I am feeling quite disconnected and tied of it all. I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions and don't have to follow my mother's past. 

About his ED as you put it, I told him we can go to the doctor or try to get help, he's always said no. I said I feel that he is  not attracted to me anymore, all the signs point towards it especially the porn incident of yesterday. 

I wasn't happy about my stomach issues but I wasn't dead, I still tried to have sex with him. 

Listen, I didn't come here to be bashed or accused of cheating, please don't assume. I know I'm not perfect either but I do anything and everything for him and my family. But he now feels like a third child, not my partner. I need someone to take care of me for once. Surprise me with a lunch made or load of laundry. 

I've come here because I don't have anyone else to talk with. I've come here because I needed to get this off my chest and see if I'm completely crazy. 

[Briks]

Another thing he's mentioned to me and our son, always tell people want they want to hear that way they'll do anything for you and think you're a good person. So that there has stuck with me, sadly I don't believe when he talks anymore. I've tried to speak with him about me being unhappy and he doesn't believe me, he tells me oh you'll never leave. 

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, Briks said:

he tells me oh you'll never leave.

If he is right then he holds all the power.
He can act as badly as he wants, never lift a finger,  dismiss your concerns, jerk off to porn and take you for granted and there is not one thing you can do about it...
Until he is shaken off the cosy bed he has made for himself, nothing will change.
Forget about appealing to his sense of fairness and decency, forget trying to shame him into doing the right thing... he is long past that.

[Briks]

I think I've disconnected, I'm done,  reached my point. Not sure how to tell him.

I apologize, i didn't mean to upset anyone but I've been through alot these past few years, put up with alot. Do not minimize my pain or hurt by accusations of cheating or making me out to be the bad person.  As I mentioned I know I'm not perfect but I hide my pain so damn much it hurts too much. I have to face reality, I have to be strong. 

I always try try try but never seems good enough. If I cry I'm called a bitch and a nag, looking for attention. No hugs or kisses or cuddles, when we fight it's always my fault, if I didn't do this or that or say this or that it wouldn't have upset him. I am so tired inside, I needed to get this off my chest instead  of just playing it over and over in my mind. 

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

the porn issue doesn't even rate on the scale in your case

It is called the last straw...

[Wiseman2]

You seem miserable. Talk to a lawyer. See what your options are.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

4 hours ago, Briks said:

Listen, I didn't come here to be bashed or accused of cheating, please don't assume.

Not my intention. I just needed a clearer understanding of your relationship.

It will take a lot of effort to turn this around. First off you have to regain his respect because he doesn't respect you. You will always be there and you have no options according to his way of thinking. What could you do?

Will the family help? Will his parents put pressure on him? 

How about one of those 7 day cruises by yourself or with a GF and leave him with the kids. That's an option.

My state has lodges that are fun. I'm sure where you live it's similar. Go away for a 3 day weekend. Walk some trails. Use the pool and sauna. This is an option.

Take a couple of nights a week for yourself and do something. Go to the movies (after Covid of course), hit the mall for some shopping, visit the museum.

Do something that will force him to step up and take responsibility. You'll have to be firm about it and not let him weasel out.

Make him understand that you do have the option of living your life without him and that you can do it.

If he doesn't get it then it's time to tell him upfront how it will be and if he doesn't like it a divorce or separation is on the table. Do not take this step if you do not intend to the pull the trigger. 

Hopefully he will agree to counseling or he will get into gear but be prepared for his non-compliance.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Briks said:

I think I've disconnected, I'm done,  reached my point. Not sure how to tell him.

I apologize, i didn't mean to upset anyone but I've been through alot these past few years, put up with alot. Do not minimize my pain or hurt by accusations of cheating or making me out to be the bad person.  As I mentioned I know I'm not perfect but I hide my pain so damn much it hurts too much. I have to face reality, I have to be strong. 

I always try try try but never seems good enough. If I cry I'm called a bitch and a nag, looking for attention. No hugs or kisses or cuddles, when we fight it's always my fault, if I didn't do this or that or say this or that it wouldn't have upset him. I am so tired inside, I needed to get this off my chest instead  of just playing it over and over in my mind. 

I'm really glad to see you say this.  Making the decision is the first step - and it's good that you're not continuing the role model of staying in a rotten marriage to your kids.

One thing which worries me is that you've apologised for upsetting people here.  You've got NOTHING to apologise for - you weren't rude or mean or hurtful.   The only thing you did was respond in a perfectly reasonable way to suggestions that you may have caused him to completely disconnect from the marriage.  And even though it didn't apply to you,  I can promise you that most of the mothers here would have groaned at the idea that an exhausted mother who has sex once a week could have this bring down a marriage.   

The reason I mentioned this is that part of being strong is recognising when you need to apologise for having done something wrong - as opposed to apologising to keep the peace.  Or allowing people to make you feel like you've done something wrong when you haven't and apologising for upsetting them.   Finding your courage is the start of the way out.

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever talked to him about whether he's happy or what would make him happy?  That information may help you.  

If you are done, you are done but other then you trying to have sex with him occasionally I didn't see much effort to fix what is wrong.  I see you persevering, doing your duty & trying to be loyal, but being miserable in the process.  That is not good for you.  

I'd at least have one conversation & maybe try MC before throwing in the towel

[mark clemson]

If you're "just done" then this may not apply, but generally it's important that you gently but firmly communicate your needs and ask that they be met. Once this has been done, you help your partner understand how you both can mutually adjust things so that both of your needs are met. This applies to multiple areas (chores, sex, level of attention, etc). It's also easier said than done (but certainly doable).

Sometimes a third party referee can help with that process, which is one use for a marriage counselor. Again, if you're "just done" and not interested in putting forth the requisite effort and/or don't feel the results would be worth the trouble, then this wouldn't apply in your case.

[Briks]

I need to get this out. No, I haven't spoken with him yet, yes it's been a rough few days/weeks. Every time I try to bring it up I get choked up, the words just don't come out. 

I think it was me catching him jerking off was the eye opener for me. I've asked him in the past if he does, he swore up and down he didn't. After being with someone so long, why lie? We could have had fun with it, could have made things interesting and fun. I've found his clean up papers, etc and he still just lied, then to actually catch him just really got me upset and hurt. Like I posted earlier, he even said himself just tell people what they want to hear. So how much of this relationship has he just told me what he thinks I want to hear so I'll continue cleaning, cooking, making lunches, laundry, kids activities, and so on.

When he told me he couldn't get hard, I cried for him, asked him to try different things, but he just said no, it's no use. 

I'm tired of doing everything. I'm fed up.  I don't think it's too much to ask for him to say one morning, I'll go grab us some coffee and breakfast sandwiches, since he can't cook. Or even at dinner time say I'll get us something or even make something simple. 

I think I'm afraid to speak with him in a way because he's mentioned in the past that no one will want me, I'm damaged goods now (to be honest I don't want anyone now, just me, just my kids). One time we were watching a show about a husband who murdered his wife because she tried to take him for everything he's got and the guy got caught. He said something like if you ever did that, I would make it seem like I lost my mind because I lost you and I would be out of jail within a year or two. I said that if anything did happen I would hope we would act like mature adults and split everything equally, I wouldn't try to ruin him.

I've gone on and on again. I just really wanted to get it out and somehow hopefully it'll help me explain to him, that while yes it was the porn catching it was the underlying issue of him being dishonest, and hurt that I've been told what he thinks I want to hear just to shut me up, me being fed up. 

[d0nnivain]

You are not damaged goods.  Don't let him undermine your self confidence like that.  

You are going to have to find the courage to talk to him.   You can't keep going along keeping this all bottled up

[mark clemson]

Communication needs to happen, though.

Presumably he lies/hides masturbation because he believes you won't approve of it. Of course if you aren't having much sex, what exactly do you expect from a guy. Perhaps establishing that it's "fine if you do that" will make him less worried. I suspect most men don't masturbate in front of their wives (but DO masturbate) regardless of the "permission" status. Do YOU masturbate openly in front of him? I'm going to guess no.

Although I'm sure it's NOT the solution to your marital issues, maybe offer to give him a hand job at some point? His response may be interesting/informative, since if he's into wacking off, presumably he'd be into that too.

If HE'S just done (and/or has been for a while), there may not be much to salvage. But you won't know unless you try. It's likely you WON'T be "damaged goods" in some other guy's eye as there are plenty of men who really don't care about mild overweight, particularly as full adults. (There are some, though, that do. C'est la vie.)

The bottom line here is that is almost certainly a lot more than the sex issue going on in your marriage. In a perfect world marriages wouldn't need "work", but we aren't in a perfect world.