******Desperately need advice!******

[terpman22]

Ok. I am new to this site, and I thought the advice was great, so I would enjoy any feedback whatsoever. Here is my story, although it is very long:

 

Met a girl online in November 2000. We hooked up, I got tired of her, and we moved on. This was in San Diego when I was in the Marines. Fast forward to April 2002. I just got off deployment and figured to get ahold of her for a booty call or something because I always knew she was incredibly attracted to me. Soooo, we date, get closer and eventually fall in love with each other over the course of the next year. Now it is March 2003, and she graduates from college in May, I was scheduled to get out of the Marines in June, but got extended til August because of the war. She asks me to move back to Palm Springs with her while she takes some time off school before getting her masters. I say yes. So we move out to Palm Springs in August where she lives with her parents(who are from the Middle East and very strict) and I live in an apartment 2 miles down the road. Now, at this point I have never felt so loved in my entire life. This woman absolutely was head over heels for me. But the whole time in Palm Springs she has nothing to do, while I am working 30 hours a week and taking anywhere from 12-18 credits per semester at the community college. Every waking hour she wants to spend with me but I need some alone time, but all her alone time is while I am at work/school. Add the fact that she does not have a license and refuses to drive but asked me to drive her anywhere she wanted, it starts to wear on me. But we still love each other and about 5 times when times were rough, she lent me money that I was always slow to pay back. I now realize, especially after she tells me now, that I was totally a better guy to her in San Diego rather than Palm Springs. I even left her in a club on this past St. Patty's day because she was acting stupid/immature(in my drunken opinion) and she was left to stay with my friend who she barely knew. We made up and everything, but I would only be sincere for about 3 days. We both decided to apply to the same schools so we could still be together. We both got in San Diego State, and that was where we assumed we would be. This girl and her family always thought we would marry, just to add that. Now July of this year comes around and her Grandfather dies. I say I am sorry, but really do not know how to react and was unable to attend the funeral. That wasn't good. I would say from that point on it dawned on her that I had been "using" her for money the whole time in Palm Springs and that I did not love her. I told her that I had fallen out of love at some point in time, but my father was able to give me good advice and I quickly realized what I had. So this past August comes, and she started being really ****ty to me and mean, so I was like " I don't need this crap" We broke up, but words were never said, she moved down here at the beginning of August and I moved down at the end. I thought it was over and I was doing just fine. No contact, no nothing. So I get down here and on the first day of school I give her a ring. We meet up and its this huge wave of emotions just washes over me, and I almost lose it right there. I find out that she had been physically ill and unable to eat for weeks before she got here from the breakup. Her heart was in pieces and I was responsible. I never wanted her to feel like that. Like a dumb idiot with the benefit of hindsight, I can clearly see where I messed up all along the way. I am certainly not perfect but I now realize that she is the one for me. No ifs ands or buts, its just how it is. We connect intellectually, physically, politically, the way our sense of humors are and everything. So we started hanging out, she says she still loves me, but only when I ask. One week she is fine, we hang out all the time and, like this weekend, sometimes she is not OK and says she needs her space. Here is the kicker: she is seeing another guy right now and he has a TON of money. He has bought her LV wallets, a purse, a suitcase, a bunch of clothes, dressers, closets, gourmet food, a laptop, and has already booked a vacation in the Bahamas in January at Atlantis, which she tells me is 1100 a night. He does not know about me. Me and her have been sleeping together, but she has not slept with him. I actually bribed her to hold off at least until the end of the month with some hard to find granola bars. I have apologized, written poetry, gave her a great birthday on the 4th including a Green Day concert, some of her favorite wine, and a picnic on the beach we used to go to when we first fell in love. I really don't know what I am asking here, but some advice would be great. I love her more now than I ever have, and I tell her this all the time. I just know we can be a great couple again, and in fact if she lets me back, I know that I will be so grateful that I would just love her even more. Any strategies or plans I should try?

[HotCaliGirl]

Well, she felt and I think you were using her for money to put you through community college in Palm Springs, during which time you left her at the club with your friend she hardly knew, didn't go to her grandfather's funeral, and it was an inconvenience for you to drive her around and you didn't want to spend as much time with her as she wanted to spend with you which bothered her in addition to there may be other things you've done as well that did not please her. When you break up she is so hurt that she gets sick, doesn't eat and all that, then rebounds by meeting a man who doesn't ask her for money, but instead spends it on her and gives her more attention and now you want her back.

 

I wouldn't worry that you can only afford granola bars to his designer handbags because in the end she will follow her heart so give her some time and be nice to her so you could make up for the hurt you have caused her in the past and chances are she will feel the same towards you, especially if you respect and validate how she is feeling towards you.

[Jayhawks]

Let her go. You messed up way back and it will take a long time for her to trust you. It is one of life's experiences. She has found another guy so just back away and let her pursue him. If you care for her now let her go.

Best advice I can give.

[terpman22]

For the record, she did not put me through community college. All my tuition was waived, and granted I say I bought her granola bars, but I can afford more than that. I am just not a millionaire right now that can just buy a girl's affection. The "new" guy barely ever sees her because he is so busy. For instance, I will spend the whole week with her, and he will spend one weekend day with her. The fact that she says she still loves me and sleeps with me means something though, doesn't it?

[terpman22]

Any other advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if I seem impatient. By the way, I am looking to getting this woman back in my life permanently. I in no way want to consider this person as a "life lesson."

[amok79]

My advice would be to give her time. If you love this girl that much you would do that. I know it's hard and it seems wrong, but if she has any feelings for you she will come back to you. Don't rush her and don't be selfish. Remember it's you that have to make it up to her.

[terpman22]

Thank you for the advice Amok. I think if I would have known about the NC thing in August, I would have went with things differently. She moved like the 4th, I didn't get down until the 28th. But...there was no way for her to contact me, I had disconnected my phone and did not have a cell. So I think if any time would have been the time for her to come back on her own, it would have been then. Thank you very much. Come on people, this is the 6th reply and 3 are from me. I need help!!!

[terpman22]

Bump up to top. Come on guys and gals!

[RecordProducer]

For instance, I will spend the whole week with her, and he will spend one weekend day with her. The fact that she says she still loves me and sleeps with me means something though, doesn't it?

It means precisely this: she is not in love with him. And although it's not easy to compete with a rich guy who hadn't had the chance to show his faults yet, she obviously loves you.

Sorry if I seem impatient. By the way, I am looking to getting this woman back in my life permanently.

Propose to her!

[terpman22]

Thank you record producer. I hope you are right. I appreciate the insight, but proposing to her I think would not get the result I hope to get right now. She would probably think I am crazy.

[HotCaliGirl]

Propose to her!

I think that's a brilliant idea..if she was in love with the other guy, she wouldn't be sleeping with you, so the longer you wait, you'll be giving her an opportunity to develop deeper feelings for him. Instead of wasting your money on any more designer granolla bars, buy her a ring. By saying no, SHE will be the one who will risk losing you. Besides, most guys wait too long to propose, so this will be perfect.

[terpman22]

Ok,here is an update:

 

We talked last night, and I had forgotten that I had ordered flowers for her like 2 weeks ago. So that was a positive, we came back to her place and she had flowers from me waiting for her. I am far from wealthy, just a broke college kid right now and cannot afford to get any type of ring. I asked her, jokingly, and she said "hell no without any type of ring." The problem is she feels you only get married once, all her family members have gorgeous rings, so she has an idea of what she wants. It is something like 50k. So, I said if I could come up with the cash, would she say yes, and she said, "With a ring like that? I would at least be engaged to you for a little while" So we kind of laughed it off. About two weeks ago she told me that she was getting "too used to me" again. So thats a plus. Last night we played a little question game, and I asked her some tough ones. Am a earning back some trust? YES. How do you feel about me? MIXED FEELINGS. Are you scared of how you might be feeling about me? YES. So, like an idiot, we went on a walk last night and I kept pressing the issue. I won't hurt you again, I love you, I will do this for you, blah blah blah, for the full hour. This is the second time she has gotten really upset when I do this, and she started going on a tirade of all the things I did wrong in the past, what she doesn't like about me now...etc. It continued this morning. I said "you look good in purple" and she was like "yeah, I don't look like Barney like you said I did a year ago? You did your best to make me feel bad and you are arrogant if you think you are so wonderful that I will forget everything, a little bit of flowers, and I am yours again? We will never be together again."

 

So, diagnosis: I am a fool. I just need to go with the flow, be happy, show her improvements and an effort to be a better person overall. She loves me, but does not like the pressure nor the guilt of seeing me cry at all. I just need to back off, show her how much fun we have together, and go from there. Am I right?