Husband going back on divorce agreement

[Destiny09]

I filed for divorce after years of a bad marriage. We tried marriage counseling several times, and the last two said it might be best for us, the kids, to think about divorce. He told me to get the paperwork for a divorce and he will sign and get out. We are using a mediator. All the finances, kids, etc was agreed upon. I am getting no alimony, no child support. I will continue to live in the house with the kids(I bought the house and make the payments).

I asked when he plans to move out. He has now told me he has no plans to move out and that we are going to sell the house. 
Oh, and I just closed on a refinance for the house! And for stability of the kids their only  ask was to stay in the house until at least my oldest finishes high school in 2 years. 
I told H  that was not the agreement. And I wouldn’t have spent the money on the refinance.  I also took out extra cash to pay off my car AND HIS car!!! 
I am going to contact my lawyer and see what I need to make sure the agreements with the mediator stands. 
Has anyone had this happen? Divorce final in a few months. And husband refusing to now move out? The kids do not want to move out. They want to stay in the house with me  

 

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like he talked to a lawyer and doesn't want mediation

[schlumpy]

If you bought the house before you were married then the house is yours.

Since you refinanced it while married there is a chance it is now considered marital property.

I think you still have strong claim as long as it's only your name on the deed but you will have to see a lawyer that's familiar with the laws of your state.

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

All the finances, kids, etc was agreed upon. I am getting no alimony, no child support. I will continue to live in the house with the kids(I bought the house and make the payments).

Divorce final in a few months. And husband refusing to now move out?

I'm not sure a mediated agreement would be enforceable unless it was endorsed by the court and finalized by both parties. You aren't saying much about the circumstances. Even if the house has only your name on the deed and the mortgage is in your name, if you were making payments with marital funds then he is probably entitled to some portion of its value. You also don't say if he has a job with good income, money in the bank, or a place to go.

[Destiny09]

Pretty certain he hasn’t spoken to a lawyer. 
He wouldn’t incur the expense.

I work, we make about equal income. 

House in both names, not an issue, as I agreed to give him part of equity.  His claim to sell the house now  is to hurt me.  He says it right in front of the kids, and you can see the hurt in their eyes. He won’t talk in private to me about the divorce and says everything in front of the kids.  He is trying to get them on his side. He says things like, “your mom is selfish with her wanting the divorce and ruined this family”, and “hey kids, get used to living in a small apartment and forget about playing sports, etc because of your mom”. He calls me names in front of kids(which he has always done; which is why I am getting a divorce).  
 

Another  issue, which is why we are getting a divorce, is how he goes back on what he says.  I want him to at least move out when divorce is final, but it doesn’t sound like he has any plans.  
Is there anything I can do or say to get him to move out?  
Has anyone ever had a Ex-spouse that refuses to move out after the divorce?

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by Destiny09

[BaileyB]

My partner had to force his ex wife out of the house.He bought her out of the house so that he could keep it for stability - for their son. Paid her child support and spousal support. She still refused to leave the home. His lawyer forced her out of the home. It happens. 

Your lawyer is your friend now. So sorry.

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[Destiny09]

Correction... yes, he did talk to a lawyer, an acquaintance.  The lawyer told him to ask for more from me.  Makes more sense.

He doesn’t want to pay rent on an apartment; yet he wants me to continue to pay for the house. 
He could careless about the kids and where they live and what they want. 

Looks like lawyers are going to be involved.

 Thanks 

[BaileyB]

You need to protect yourself, and your children. 

As they say, if marriage is about love, divorce is about money...

Yes, you would like to think that people will be reasonable, kind, and put the best interest of the children first... I will say for fact, that’s not always the case. I’m sorry. 

[d0nnivain]

You jumped the gun.  The mediation agreement wasn't valid until it was incorporated into the divorce agreement by the judge.  When you refinanced you needed to buy him out.  

Do talk to your lawyer but you paying off his car & refinancing the house prematurely may end up being gifts to him.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Marriage is the most legally significant choice you will ever make in your entire life; divorce, even more so... These choices are legally significant because often, factors that we believe have no bearing on the process, actually can impact the outcome greatly.

If he is talking about selling the house, that means your probably going to have to either sell or buy him out... He is going all in because he knows he will be paying you Alimony and Child Support now, more than likely.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, schlumpy said:

If you bought the house before you were married then the house is yours.

Just to note: That may be true, but actually depends on local laws in the jurisdiction.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

 House in both names, not an issue, as I agreed to give him part of equity.  His claim to sell the house now  is to hurt me.

You need a lawyer. 

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, you would like to think that people will be reasonable, kind, and put the best interest of the children first... I will say for fact, that’s not always the case.

My ex-wife thought an 80/20 split was quite reasonable and kind. And paying 50 percent of the equity in the house was unreasonable. She also tried her best to attach part of my inheritance from my parents. This sort of stuff has nothing to do with doing right by the children. It's just how irrational and entitled people can be when divorcing. Her first lawyer fired her because she knew that what she wanted wasn't reasonable, and that she wouldn't be able to get it.

 

10 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

I will continue to live in the house with the kids (I bought the house and make the payments).

House in both names, not an issue, as I agreed to give him part of equity.  His claim to sell the house now  is to hurt me.

If the part you mentioned is 50 percent, then you may have to get the court to order him out. If not, then he's probably doing exactly the right thing in refusing to leave. The way you've worded things ambiguously causes me to wonder.

[Destiny09]

It was agreed in the paperwork that kids and me reside in house. They will live with me full time.  This was requested by the kids.  
I’m not worried about my share of the house.  I have legal document that says what I get(prior to purchase and this divorce.  
He only wants to stay because he won’t have to pay rent. He thinks he can continue to live here and not pay towards the mortgage! 

No alimony.  I am going to ask for child support after talking to my lawyer.  
I just want him to move out.  
He told me he will be out by Jan 1(I wish he would go sooner). 
I guess I can make him pay for half the mortgage payment  if he continues to stay. 
He lives here rent free and I just paid off his car so he could have money for rent. 
Can you see why I want out? This is only one issue.  
yes, he works but as he told me his goal in life is “too make just enough money to pay off his bills”.  NOT to support the family.   Not to help with the bills, take family vacations, better lifestyle. Nope, just so he can pay his bills  

 

[BaileyB]

Oh, we see why you want out... 🤣

[RK2020]

Destiny09,

I'm glad to hear that you got a lawyer involved. That's the only way to get things done as agreed when dealing with someone has no dignity.

I been officially divorced for 1 1/2 yrs. And what yours xH said and did is so much like mine that, they could have been the same person. The only difference is I was the one moved out of the marital house because he was recording me and goes through my things and devices when I'm asleep or out. Another thing that might be different is 90% of our settlement is as per his request. Yes we did the settlement via mediator, who was basically crafted the agreement as we dictated to him in legal format. That results to a lot of mess to clean up now. Anyway, my point here is even 90% of the settlement is as per his request, he still refused to comply. And this is my current situation where I see no other choice but hand it over to an attorney to deal with him. His anger is definitely getting the best out of him because I asked for this divorce. He doesn't even bat his eyes to hurt his our kids as long as he gets to hurt me in anyway and any form. We have 3 teen daughters who used this divorce to their advantage as they see more and more of his angers toward me. During his visitation days, he will on purpose let them do things opposite of how they are with me, with intention of causing conflict between them and me when they come back to my place. He also make sure to pay the minimal child support and take the least amount of visitation days. But he will tell the girls he can't afford to have them live with him because I took all his money with this divorce, when the girls asked to live with him. Even though the girls said out loud, they know their father will not sacrifice for them and did nothing & know nothing about them all their lives. The girls still want to live with him because 1) they don't need to do any chores, 2) eat and drink junk as they please, 3) he's hardly home. You think you know the person when you been with them for 30 yrs. and married to them 20+ yrs. Yes the true color is more scary than what I anticipated and what cause me to asked for this divorce. I don't even want to get into how he's refusing to distribute the remaining assets. Just appalling. Recently I learned that if I don't shift my focus onto how to better myself and/or heal myself then I'm just poisoning myself with all these as in putting myself to be a victim. As for my 3 daughters, I can only do my job as their mother and hope the best for them.

What I'm rambling here is, it needs to handle by the lawyer and do your best to deal with this person like a job.

[Destiny09]

@RK2020 yes, we are very similar. The kids are mad at me for the divorce. He let’s them do whatever they want. He has NEVER been involved; except now after I file for divorce. He tells my kids to not respect me as I don’t deserve it. He calls me derogatory names in front of the kids. My son is starting to be both verbally and physically abusive towards me now  as their father. I am afraid of my son sometimes now.  I caught my son going through my stuff just like his dad does. 
H is going back now on all the agreements we made with mediator.  
yes, I have a lawyer.  
I just want this to end. So does the H. 
why does he keep putting off the divorce? 
H is going to get money from me! But he wants more, of course. 
all he cares about is how he going to have to pay rent now and all the other expenses. He doesn’t see how he is hurting the kids. 
All the kids asked is to stay in the house for  2 more years. I am going to pay the mortgage, not the H. 
H can’t afford to live in this house.  Thus he needs to rent a place but he doesn’t want to pay rent! 
it’s unfortunate that we are going to spend all this money on fees to a lawyer. Money that we could use towards the kids.

 

[RK2020]

Destiny09, the only thing I can share with you is -in regards to the kids, try not to take it personal and if all possible be as calm as possible and as their safe heaven to release their pain. And if there's a chance talk to them and be a good listener. No matter how much it pains you, reframe from talking bad about their father in any way. When I didn't do that even thought that's what I have read and been told, it really back fired on me. Especially my kids are with me 24/7 and their father only allowed them to be with him 1 1/2 days, no over night, so he can be the fun one. And when I finally just focus on my mother duties regardless whatever their father tries to create crazy drama, the intensity between my 3 kids and are more calmer and half of the time enjoyable as before..But still need more work. It's unfortunate kids get "disrupted" due to one of the parents can't stayed focus to be a proper parent. This is one of the reason many people end up staying in a "bad" marriage. You might want to see should you seek professionals' help for yourself and your kids to a least stop the relationship from getting worse. That's my current goal if I can't improved the relationship with my kids.

As for H behavior and etc. -in my case, it's very clear to me that I make the right decision to leave this marriage which all these years I was alone building and maintaining, the same with the family. And I have tried to be a civil ex-spouse in the past year by going along all his requests and games. In return, all I got was how he exhausted my finance even to the point of deducting my portion of rental income with ridiculous reasons without my consent, ruined my relationship with our kids and ruined my kids and even behave despicably to tried to control my free time (at the last minute he will not come pick up the kids on his visitation days or he will create drama to make me thinks he didn't pick up the kids..etc.). I no longer have words for his behavior. But I do know one thing and it's the reason why I wanted to divorce him, to live my life and enjoy my life with my kids. If I continue to be in his drama, it's really doesn't serve the purpose to divorce him, isn't it? Sorry, I'm rambling. What I'm saying is we need to be the one to do the right thing and end things with the experts help. Yes I feel the same way about why there's need to hurt the kids and spend the money on experts' service. But that's not in our control, isn't it? Beside if we can bring the best out of the person we are divorcing, do we even need to divorce them in the first place? So my 2cents is you don't need to know why he's this and that, and spending the time and effort to find a solution to have him see what's right and wrong. Instead figure out a solution with experts to achieve a better situation for yourself and your kids. Going along with kids' wanting to continue living with their father is not healthy and don't you think it's worse than if you don't asked for a divorce?

Good luck, and (((hugs))).    

[BaileyB]

Sadly, the fact that you tolerated that kind of behavior from your husband for so long has taught your son that he can treat you the same way (ie. you will tolerate the same from him). It certainly doesn’t help that your husband is egging him on - but what can you really expect from a man who has been abusive to you throughout your marriage, he’s certainly not going to miraculously take the high road now. The challenge now is that it’s one thing to deal with bad behavior from a five year old, it’s going to be really difficult to now parent your son when he is older, and bigger, and stronger. 

Destiny, your family is in crisis right now. Spending money on lawyers to settle your divorce and get your husband out of the house IS THE BEST THING you can do for your children right now. It will be to their great benefit to get this divorce settled. Talk to your counsellor, get your children to family counselling. Settle the divorce and get your husband out of the house. Hard times call for decisive and firm actions. Take care. 

Edited August 8, 2020 by BaileyB

[Blind-Sided]

14 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

 He calls me derogatory names in front of the kids. My son is starting to be both verbally and physically abusive towards me now  as their father. ......

The anger, and issues wont stop.  Just go to your lawyer, and file. 

As far as the name calling, and getting the kids to rebel... just put a voice recorder app in your phone. Get proof, and use it to your advantage. 

[amerikajin]

On 8/7/2020 at 10:55 PM, Destiny09 said:

@RK2020 yes, we are very similar. The kids are mad at me for the divorce. He let’s them do whatever they want. He has NEVER been involved; except now after I file for divorce. He tells my kids to not respect me as I don’t deserve it. He calls me derogatory names in front of the kids. My son is starting to be both verbally and physically abusive towards me now  as their father. I am afraid of my son sometimes now.  I caught my son going through my stuff just like his dad does. 
H is going back now on all the agreements we made with mediator.  
yes, I have a lawyer.  
I just want this to end. So does the H. 
why does he keep putting off the divorce? 
H is going to get money from me! But he wants more, of course. 
all he cares about is how he going to have to pay rent now and all the other expenses. He doesn’t see how he is hurting the kids. 
All the kids asked is to stay in the house for  2 more years. I am going to pay the mortgage, not the H. 
H can’t afford to live in this house.  Thus he needs to rent a place but he doesn’t want to pay rent! 
it’s unfortunate that we are going to spend all this money on fees to a lawyer. Money that we could use towards the kids.

 

Why does he keep putting it off? Because he's a royal s*** - that's why.

He's manipulative. Doesn't want to take responsibility for failing to live up to his side of the bargain and now wants to use your children as weapons. Total a**h***, but you have to try to work through that somehow. Understand, though, this is going to get nasty and brace yourself. This is a chess match, and you will have to think three, four, five - even six moves ahead of him.

One reason he doesn't want to move out is that he's probably consulted a lawyer and was probably advised not to move out as that might require him to give up the house. It's not clear really what he wants - he might not care about the house  but simply see the house as a chip that he has to aggravate you.

Maybe one thing you could do is to try talking to him for a weekend - see if the kids can stay with someone else for a night or two. Talk and just simply ask what his deal is. He has to know that the marriage sucks. Just say, "I don't think it's good for either one of us to be stuck in this type of relationship. I'm not out to take everything. I want you and the kids to have a relationship. And I want to be fair with assets. I'll work with you." Maybe have one last talk like that and see where it goes.

But be prepared. From everything you've said so far, his personality is controlling. He's out for himself at this point, and someone who's willing to use other people, especially children, as weapons is someone to be very wary of. Be prepared to protect not only your assets but your own personal health and safety. I'm not trying to scare you but there's a good chance this will escalate somehow.

Oh, you will need to consult your own personal lawyer at this point. Mediation isn't working.

Edited August 9, 2020 by amerikajin