Almost 29 and still single. I feel very left out and disheartened that I've only focussed on academia so far and I have missed out on all relationships

[WanderingComet]

So I will be turning 29 soon and I still haven't had a single boyfriend/relationship.

I have dated a bit in the past but I've never made it past the second date with anyone yet and I'm getting really worried about even being able to find a partner eventually.

Context: I moved abroad right out of highschool for college and have been out of my home country for over a decade now. 
Initially, during undergrad I was super focussed on my studies (because that's the reason for me being in the new country) and was basically oblivious to the dating scene in my university, where most of my friends dated and had relationships. I just wasn't very invested in them since my major was my prime focus. 

I then moved to another university for my PhD in Astrophysics (which I completed last year), and wanted to start dating but found a lack of interest in general. 
I have been rejected exponentially more times than I have been asked out (that happened once, online). So yes, I have also asked out guys (but always gotten rejected so far)

I am a very extroverted person, quite social and have been told by many that I am pretty too. I kind of fit the 'short and cute' style.
I have several hobbies outside of academia like theatre (have acted in several college and city productions), reading, poetry; I can hold my own while discussing Science Fiction and Fantasy series like Star Trek, Star Wars and LOTR.
I speak 4 languages and have travelled internationally a fair bit too (but mostly for conferences, workshops and internships rather than for pleasure). And in general I have a very 'nice', happy personality.
(of course on the inside I am sad and depressed recently because I am still single)

Before you say online dating, I have tried basically all the apps! 
I have gone on dates with several guys from the apps and they have all ended in one of 2 ways. Either I did't like the guy after date #1 (happened once) and all the others stopped replying to me or wanted to stop meeting after date #2.  (And of course the countless ones who either were only looking for ons or who ghosted after a day or 2 of chatting).

As I age, I am having a harder time to filter out the guys on the apps who are on there only for sex and the ones looking for a real relationship.

My other issue is that because I haven't had a single 'real' relationship, as soon as I mention that (only after being asked about it), the guys seem to suddenly find me unsuitable for them because it's likely I won't 'put out' fast enough for them and would want to take my first relationship slowly.
Am I weird for not having had an intimate relationship at 29 years old?

I am also always worried by the reaction I get when I tell the guys that I have a PhD in Astrophysics. There are many who then only focus on astronomy and want to ask me all astro related questions and lose interest in dating and treat me like I am an astronomy tutor. (Interest in my field is good. But when that is all the guy ever wants to talk about or when he starts discussing conspiracy theories, is when I lose interest). And I don't want to hide the fact that I have a PhD just to avoid intimidating a guy. I worked very hard on that and it is a big part of my life. 

I am feeling awfully left out these days. Most of my friends from back home are either married or have a partner including both my best friends. And as much as I love my friends I fear they won't ever get what I feel as an older girl who hasn't dated. 
I am starting to get a lot of pressure from my family as well 'why aren't you dating anyone? What are you doing with your life?''When are you going to get married?'

All I want to do is find a nice guy and have a relationship. Is that too hard to ask?
I am getting sick and tired of always seeing happy couples everywhere (I mean more happiness to them, but I get more and more dejected when I see one), and seeing how so many things in the world are couple themed (holidays, packages, dinner sets, home decor, you name it, and you'll find a couple themed option). 

It's gotten harder in Covid times and since it's gonna be a while for it to go away I fear that I am going to never find someone. 

I constantly look for distractions (when I am not sifting through hundreds of guys on the websites and apps trying to find a date). I even started Youtube recently, doing small vlogs.

Is there anything that I could be doing to help my cause?
Any suggestions? Any advice? 
I am all ears.

[lionheart5]

Hi Wandering Comet

I am no expert and I may be a bit inexperienced in all of this, but after reading your post, I can understand that you are super smart, you have really intriguing interests and that you are definitely a cool person to hang out with  

You also seem to know what you want in a partner or maybe you could try to figure that out while you explore more on future dates. I understand that there is a lot of parental pressure on settling down and I have a older sibling who is also having the same issue. As time passes by I'm sure that your parents will also realize that nothing good will come out if you try and sort of force things. 

You are definitely hard working and I'm sure you will find the right person soon ( i know it's cliched), your intelligence coupled with your inner and outer beauty is more that enough for things to fall into place - just give it time. Maybe expanding your friend circle might help - you'd get to meet more like minded people and learn even more things about yourself. I know this might be a little difficult thanks to Covid, but maybe explore safe platforms online to connect with people. But once you learn more about yourself, your relationships (even friendships) are going to be much more meaningful.

And again i know this may be cliched again but please remember that everyone has their own unique timeline, and things WILL fall into place.

[salparadise]

 

Finding connection is simply easier for some than others, and it doesn't get any easier as we age. Some of the things you presume guys to automatically think in response to certain disclosures may be narrowing your possibilities. When you say that guys switch-off in response to learning that you haven't had a prior long-term relationship, and it's because they think it will take too long to get to intimacy––well, I seriously doubt that's the case with all men. And while some may be intimidated by the PhD or the astrophysics geek factor, many are likely to find it attractive. People have certain things in common, but the amount of diversity in thought and feeling––and attraction––is virtually limitless. The world is not all black/white; it's mostly gray. Use that reasoning ability of yours to be more  optimistic. Use the laws of probability to convince yourself that not only is it possible, but probable that your number will come up. Another thing is that 28 is not old; you do not have to force this to happen this week. You need to be short and to the point with people who ask why you aren't dating or getting married. It's rude of them to presume that you own THEM an explanation.

Now, let's think about what might be getting in the way. My initial thought is about how you intuitively relate to people, men in particular. Are you an extremely rational type, a thinker vs. a feeler? Do you have a protective field that people may perceive as difficult to penetrate? Are you able to spontaneously flirt and allow men to feel good about themselves and their masculinity? Do you project a bit of vulnerability  or do you come off as rock-solid and self contained? I think it's more like to be something along these lines than a big solid factual thing that you can stick a label on. 

If you're getting dates then I doubt it has anything to do with appearance and physical attraction. You'd know if that was an issue, and you said that you are validated in this respect. You don't have to be a supermodel; women are inherently desirable and in demand. There is a phenomena called aspirational pursuit based on a paper published by Bruch and Newman. Check advances.sciencemag dot org. The data was collected by online messaging, but I believe the concept is not limited to online dating. What it basically says is that everyone tends to aim high, and that they would likely have more success by not being quite so ambitious. There is also a book and TedTalk by Barry Schwartz called The Paradox of Choice that could be affecting dating generally due to the sites/apps offering seemingly unlimited prospects. Another problem in dating is knowing when to stop, and there is a geeky theory about such dilemmas called Optimal Stopping Theory, sometimes illustrated by The Secretary Problem.

My best guess without actually knowing you is that it isn't easy for you to invite people inside your hula hoop––one of the above mentioned personality/communication styles. It might help if you tell us what culture you are from originally and what country you're in now. Also, your Meyers-Briggs type it could give us clues. I'm also wondering how much experience you've had with men in the dating realm despite not having had a long relationship.

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by salparadise

[Wiseman2]

Don't discuss your dating or relationship history. Be proud of who you are and what you do but let someone get to know you as a person before you recite your resume at them. Men want a relationship with you not your list of accolades.

[WanderingComet]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

My best guess without actually knowing you is that it isn't easy for you to invite people inside your hula hoop––one of the above mentioned personality/communication styles. It might help if you tell us what culture you are from originally and what country you're in now. Also, your Meyers-Briggs type it could give us clues. I'm also wondering how much experience you've had with men in the dating realm despite not having had a long relationship.

 

 

I've been in South Korea (Seoul) for the last year and was in USA for the 9 years before that.
My MBTI type is : ENFJ-T

[d0nnivain]

Tell people you know & trust that you are open to meeting new people.  Hopefully somebody knows somebody to fix you up with. 

Get involved in Alumni activities for all the places you graduated from.  

[WanderingComet]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Tell people you know & trust that you are open to meeting new people.  Hopefully somebody knows somebody to fix you up with. 

Get involved in Alumni activities for all the places you graduated from.  

Unfortunately I am not in USA right now, so alumni activities will be very hard to do.
I am very open to being set up by friends (did that once, but the guy wasn't a good fit) but the problem now is that most of my friends don't know any single guys. 
Still I've told all the friends I know (and trust) to let me know if they have anyone they can fix me up with
 

[d0nnivain]

Alumni events are mostly virtual at this point so you can participate from anywhere.  

There may also be a small # of fellow grads in your area.  

Join some kind of society for astrophysicists.  Every profession has organizations.  Get in involved in one.  

I met my husband at a business card exchange  so try business mixers like the chamber of commerce or the equivalent.  

[Weezy1973]

For online dating, join relationship oriented sites like eHarmony. Online dating is a numbers game, so your experience so far is pretty normal. Just keep meeting new people however you can, be it through OLD or in real life. 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

Before you say online dating, I have tried basically all the apps! 
I have gone on dates with several guys from the apps and they have all ended in one of 2 ways. Either I did't like the guy after date #1 (happened once) and all the others stopped replying to me or wanted to stop meeting after date #2.  (And of course the countless ones who either were only looking for ons or who ghosted after a day or 2 of chatting).

Everyone who does OLD goes through this so don't give up.  There's a lot of ghosting because men have so many options.

9 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

My other issue is that because I haven't had a single 'real' relationship, as soon as I mention that (only after being asked about it), the guys seem to suddenly find me unsuitable for them because it's likely I won't 'put out' fast enough for them and would want to take my first relationship slowly.
Am I weird for not having had an intimate relationship at 29 years old?

It's not the "put out fast" reason they are spooked it's because they think if they become your first real relationship you will be clingy and it will put too much pressure on them.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like you need to meet a geek. Once you find the right one (who is actually attractive and hasn't been taken yet) you should do great.

You sound pretty good on paper, honestly, so what you state is somewhat confusing. If you have male friends, consider asking for brutally honest feedback on how you come across. Be willing to accept whatever is said, and consider change based on the feedback (or don't bother, as it will probably "hurt" a bit, etc to hear).

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Sounds like you need to meet a geek. Once you find the right one (who is actually attractive and hasn't been taken yet) you should do great.

It isn't that easy to get a geek anymore as a lot of young women are really into these guys nowadays.

[mark clemson]

No doubt true, but it seems like she'd fit pretty well. The can play MMORPgs together, etc. 💖

[snowcones]

I read posts like this and wonder if it is better to have loved and lost (with all it's trauma, ugliness and scarring) or to have never loved at all.....

[Ellener]

10 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

in general I have a very 'nice', happy personality.
(of course on the inside I am sad and depressed recently because I am still single)

I'm still living this, and I compromised years ago ( 19 ) to marry a brilliant man and then we spent two decades tearing each other apart because we didn't really make each other happy all the ways which count. I feel like I had a lot of life experience which now seems unnecessary if that makes sense. My father said to me 'you're gonna do what you're gonna do'. And I did. At the end of the day what I'm living right now is dying alone, or suffering alone, which isn't pleasant, but I'm not deluded that the battleground which was our marriage would be any better company.

The closest person I've loved in recent years is a woman friend. But she will never be a partner either, her cultural interpretation of love is one man one woman.

People need to be free, to be free.

Edited July 27, 2020 by Ellener
spelling

[Ellener]

3 minutes ago, snowcones said:

I read posts like this and wonder if it is better to have loved and lost (with all it's trauma, ugliness and scarring) or to have never loved at all.....

Of course it was!

But you have to remember, Tennyson wrote In Memoriam for the loss of his beloved friend.

Here is the complete poem:

 

I envy not in any moods

The captive void of noble rage,

The linnet born within the cage,

That never knew the summer woods:

 

I envy not the beast that takes

His license in the field of time,

 Unfetter'd by the sense of crime,

To whom a conscience never wakes;

 

Nor, what may count itself as blest,

The heart that never plighted troth

But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;

Nor any want-begotten rest.

 

I hold it true, whate'er befall

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

 

We can be passionate without being cruel.

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

10 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

So I will be turning 29 soon and I still haven't had a single boyfriend/relationship.

I have dated a bit in the past but I've never made it past the second date with anyone yet and I'm getting really worried about even being able to find a partner eventually.

Context: I moved abroad right out of highschool for college and have been out of my home country for over a decade now. 
Initially, during undergrad I was super focussed on my studies (because that's the reason for me being in the new country) and was basically oblivious to the dating scene in my university, where most of my friends dated and had relationships. I just wasn't very invested in them since my major was my prime focus. 

I then moved to another university for my PhD in Astrophysics (which I completed last year), and wanted to start dating but found a lack of interest in general. 
I have been rejected exponentially more times than I have been asked out (that happened once, online). So yes, I have also asked out guys (but always gotten rejected so far)

I am a very extroverted person, quite social and have been told by many that I am pretty too. I kind of fit the 'short and cute' style.
I have several hobbies outside of academia like theatre (have acted in several college and city productions), reading, poetry; I can hold my own while discussing Science Fiction and Fantasy series like Star Trek, Star Wars and LOTR.
I speak 4 languages and have travelled internationally a fair bit too (but mostly for conferences, workshops and internships rather than for pleasure). And in general I have a very 'nice', happy personality.
(of course on the inside I am sad and depressed recently because I am still single)

Before you say online dating, I have tried basically all the apps! 
I have gone on dates with several guys from the apps and they have all ended in one of 2 ways. Either I did't like the guy after date #1 (happened once) and all the others stopped replying to me or wanted to stop meeting after date #2.  (And of course the countless ones who either were only looking for ons or who ghosted after a day or 2 of chatting).

As I age, I am having a harder time to filter out the guys on the apps who are on there only for sex and the ones looking for a real relationship.

My other issue is that because I haven't had a single 'real' relationship, as soon as I mention that (only after being asked about it), the guys seem to suddenly find me unsuitable for them because it's likely I won't 'put out' fast enough for them and would want to take my first relationship slowly.
Am I weird for not having had an intimate relationship at 29 years old?

I am also always worried by the reaction I get when I tell the guys that I have a PhD in Astrophysics. There are many who then only focus on astronomy and want to ask me all astro related questions and lose interest in dating and treat me like I am an astronomy tutor. (Interest in my field is good. But when that is all the guy ever wants to talk about or when he starts discussing conspiracy theories, is when I lose interest). And I don't want to hide the fact that I have a PhD just to avoid intimidating a guy. I worked very hard on that and it is a big part of my life. 

I am feeling awfully left out these days. Most of my friends from back home are either married or have a partner including both my best friends. And as much as I love my friends I fear they won't ever get what I feel as an older girl who hasn't dated. 
I am starting to get a lot of pressure from my family as well 'why aren't you dating anyone? What are you doing with your life?''When are you going to get married?'

All I want to do is find a nice guy and have a relationship. Is that too hard to ask?
I am getting sick and tired of always seeing happy couples everywhere (I mean more happiness to them, but I get more and more dejected when I see one), and seeing how so many things in the world are couple themed (holidays, packages, dinner sets, home decor, you name it, and you'll find a couple themed option). 

It's gotten harder in Covid times and since it's gonna be a while for it to go away I fear that I am going to never find someone. 

I constantly look for distractions (when I am not sifting through hundreds of guys on the websites and apps trying to find a date). I even started Youtube recently, doing small vlogs.

Is there anything that I could be doing to help my cause?
Any suggestions? Any advice? 
I am all ears.

This, all totaled, is not a shock.   And it doesn't reduce the realistic chance that you are dreamy.

You are even resourceful enough  to present yourself in some anonymous detail to the masses here at LS for ideas and advice.

 

NOTHING at all is wrong with your intensity for your education, but it has  come at a social cost.  You DID make the right choices and now you merely need a mirror so that society can show/convince you  of same.

 

Relationships are born of familiarity and routine... and eventual comfort... and when you channel all of your effort into academia, and then go to another country to devote yourself further there...  it generally doesn't allow for the social roots  that are most conducive to the vast majority of relationships.   If you scan the entirety of the internet, of COURSE you'll read outlying stories of a man from New York and a woman from Texas being stuck together on a plane made to land in Newfoundland on September 11th because North American airspace was closed.  And then you'll read of some other statistical outlier that sounds like a romantic dream...

But most relationships commence through common roots  in the same spots...  where both parties involved first seem routine  to the lives of the others, often so even before either knows the name of the other.

 

Your personal achievements are wonderful, and they read splendidly too...    but you are precisely the sort of person who, (in NON-Covid times...  OR if you're in a minimally-impacted Covid country)...  needs to create/alter her routine  to allow for more human interaction.

 

You need the equivalent to the American prescription of taking your laptop to Starbucks every X morning and Y afternoon (days of your choosing) and doing your computer work THERE on those days...   making the sacrifice that is a pricy cup of coffee every hour or so... long enough so that you become part of the woodwork there...   and once familiarity  takes root...  everyday, regular conversations will evolve...  and it is from those (things you've taken for granted {when such scenarios show up in the movies you watch while you yourself have been too busy and devoted to your studies to have been able to LIVE them before} ) that the beginnings of potential relationships will take root.

And while there are sure to seem occasional 'pests'  in the vicinity...   SOME amount of tolerance for (conversations/people you might initially feel are beneath you in some way) could be helpful in that 3rd parties witnessing your (tolerance) might be the ones with whom you eventually 'connect'.

But you really DO have to make an effort to create an outside 'routine'  (that gets out of her own small world, no matter HOW demanding IS that small world)...  to have your best shot at the randomness that is out there awaiting you.

The challenge really IS one of raw numbers...   equating to meeting lots of people  and being/seeming familiar enough to one another to foster conversations.

 

You are qualified on so many levels... but now it deserves considerable attention from you, just as your studies had for so long.

 

(*** on another thread earlier today I saw a woman telling of her boyfriend having described her as  "a piece of meat with two eyes"... and while the context was immediately clear, there was something about the extra effort of going into the detail of the 'two eyes'  part which was new to me...       Your presence here at LS almost seems the extreme opposite to the social image OF "a piece of meat with two eyes"... NOT for any implication about your relative appearances...  but because of the seemingly opposite focus  that such a character would purportedly have, from yours)

 

You HAVE created yourself... and you have developed your mind such that you can solve this riddle too...       but you probably need less Sheldon Cooper, and more Penny  in order to best succeed.    (don't overthink your plans...  just take care to implement lifestyle alterations to better avail yourself  to the possibilities out there...)

 

Everyone knows where the possibilities are:         they are OUT there.

So you need to be out there too !

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Ellener]

2 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

the American prescription of taking your laptop to Starbucks every X morning and Y afternoon 

I so miss those times!

[chillii]

l never get the higher educated issue , just go for the same in men. You would've been around 1000s of them over the years with uni's and what have you. l guess you could say they'd be your people so it's just like any other areas in life we usually fit best with our people that's only natural , or it's just the square peg round hole thing.

Anyway . good luck with things.

Edited July 27, 2020 by chillii

[Zona]

13 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

I am also always worried by the reaction I get when I tell the guys that I have a PhD in Astrophysics.

Any suggestions? Any advice? 
I am all ears.

Would you consider "dating/marrying down"? What I mean by that is marrying someone who does not have the same level of education?

My wife is brainy and beautiful and actually has a higher level degree than I do, and I doubt I will ever finish my PhD now. We are intellectual equals though, with strengths and weaknesses in different areas but still feel at the same level overall. I could never be married to someone who isn't really bright.

You are probably in the top 3% of IQ which kind of limits your dating pool, so you may have to work a little harder at meeting people you are compatible with. There are dating sites that are restricted to people who are high level professionals. Have you ever tried something like that?

[jspice]

8 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

I've been in South Korea (Seoul) for the last year and was in USA for the 9 years before that.
My MBTI type is : ENFJ-T

I lived in South Korea for 12 years. It’s not you. The only people you can date there are military, who are transient and are not always looking for a relationship. Foreign men who are generally looking for Korean women. Korean men who are mostly trying to date foreign women for the “experience” and fulfilling a stereotypical fantasy. 
 

I could write a book!
 

Second, yes your education is intimidating.  I don’t have my PhD yet but I do have three degrees already, one of which is a law degree. 
I’m a university professor, and when I mentioned my job after I was asked, one guy literally said “Why do I feel Like I’m not good enough all of a sudden?”. He never contacted me again. 
There will be men who will be confident enough with who you are but you have a lot going against you right now. 
 

[WanderingComet]

4 hours ago, snowcones said:

I read posts like this and wonder if it is better to have loved and lost (with all it's trauma, ugliness and scarring) or to have never loved at all.....

I think about this a lot too! 
My friends with partners always tell me that I am wrong for calling them 'lucky' because they have had relationships in the past and are in loving relationships/marriages now because their first relationships were quite s***ty.

Even though I understand my head keeps going to 'but at least you have experience!'.
The only experience I have had are the relationships the characters I played had when I did theatre. 
(somehow I almost always get cast in a role who has an on-stage partner. Which I can play really well too.

It's the real life that has let me down so far!

[WanderingComet]

4 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Your personal achievements are wonderful, and they read splendidly too...    but you are precisely the sort of person who, (in NON-Covid times...  OR if you're in a minimally-impacted Covid country)...  needs to create/alter her routine  to allow for more human interaction.

 

You need the equivalent to the American prescription of taking your laptop to Starbucks every X morning and Y afternoon (days of your choosing) and doing your computer work THERE on those days...   making the sacrifice that is a pricy cup of coffee every hour or so... long enough so that you become part of the woodwork there...   and once familiarity  takes root...  everyday, regular conversations will evolve...  and it is from those (things you've taken for granted {when such scenarios show up in the movies you watch while you yourself have been too busy and devoted to your studies to have been able to LIVE them before} ) that the beginnings of potential relationships will take root.

 

 

 

Yup I am in South Korea right now, so it is fairly easy to maintain a small amount of socialization (with all precautions of course!)

The problem is my job. I even floated the remote work idea with the Professor I am working with and he basically said I need to be in the office all the time because he likes to drop in whenever he likes.
I absolutely love the cafe culture here because you can basically take your laptop, get one drink and work in cafe for hours on end! I have done this once in past (on a weekday) and always on the weekends (just the couple weekends when I had things to get done. I generally have a rule of not working on the weekends to allow myself free time to meet people, socialize, or just go out (and then do chores at home later).

Meeting someone at a cafe or a bookstore would be absolutely ideal.

My other issue here is that in South Korea, people do not talk to strangers as is the norm in America. When I was back in USA it was really easy to make friends basically anywhere. You could strike up a casual conversation while waiting for the bus or the line at Chipotle. Here, not so much. sadly. 

 

But I shall keep trying. I did make a new friend at the bookstore last week. She was in the same section as me, (and I heard her speak Eng) and we bonded over the same genre we liked and have even caught up for coffee since then! 
But she was American as well, so more ok with talking to strangers. 

I've basically never had a 'real' conversation with Koreans randomly. I wish that could change (I am conversationally fluent in Korean. Actually had a date entirely in Korean last weekend. But...the problems I presented above continued. He has a lot of dating experience while I am a novice, so he wasn't sure how we would match. He even outright asked me how long I would wait before sex in a relationship.... sigh...)  

[WanderingComet]

59 minutes ago, Zona said:

Would you consider "dating/marrying down"? What I mean by that is marrying someone who does not have the same level of education?

My wife is brainy and beautiful and actually has a higher level degree than I do, and I doubt I will ever finish my PhD now. We are intellectual equals though, with strengths and weaknesses in different areas but still feel at the same level overall. I could never be married to someone who isn't really bright.

You are probably in the top 3% of IQ which kind of limits your dating pool, so you may have to work a little harder at meeting people you are compatible with. There are dating sites that are restricted to people who are high level professionals. Have you ever tried something like that?

I have absolutely no qualms about dating someone at a different level of education than me. All I hope is that they should not feel insecure just because I have a PhD and they don't. 
Everyone's jobs are important and people are so much more than their degrees. And tbh I'd actually prefer someone who is not an academic (reasons below)

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Alumni events are mostly virtual at this point so you can participate from anywhere.  

There may also be a small # of fellow grads in your area.  

Join some kind of society for astrophysicists.  Every profession has organizations.  Get in involved in one.  

I met my husband at a business card exchange  so try business mixers like the chamber of commerce or the equivalent.  

I will actually be going to an online conference in Jan (yeah it is a long way off). It is the biggest Astronomy conference that happens every year. Great for job hunting too.

Now for actually meeting someone romantically at something like this.
I think that is super hard! Most of the older astrophysicists I have met either have a partner (specially the women. *cries in a corner* why was I left out???)

Secondly, astronomy is a very tight knit and relatively small community. So
1. If things don't work out, there is high chance I might still have to work with this person in the future.
2. Speaking of the future, we in academia have something called the 2-body problem. Where it becomes extremely hard to find a job for a couple if both are in the same field. Universities rarely have 2 tenure positions open in the same department at the same time, so often one spouse has to compromise or even live in a different city. 

Which is why I have avoided trying to 'get together' with any fellow grad students (when I was in grad school. though there was the one time I asked a guy out to go have dinner and see the Philharmonic orchestra in my city and it wasn't until the actual date, that I realized that he did not think it was a date. so there's that. PhD programs are typically small with 20-30 total students in the whole program, so its 'slim pickins')

That said, I am not 100% staunchly against meeting a someone from academia. If he is the right person for me, then I am sure we can make things work, somehow.

[WanderingComet]

13 hours ago, salparadise said:

Now, let's think about what might be getting in the way. My initial thought is about how you intuitively relate to people, men in particular. Are you an extremely rational type, a thinker vs. a feeler? Do you have a protective field that people may perceive as difficult to penetrate? Are you able to spontaneously flirt and allow men to feel good about themselves and their masculinity? Do you project a bit of vulnerability  or do you come off as rock-solid and self contained? I think it's more like to be something along these lines than a big solid factual thing that you can stick a label on. 

This is an interesting point. I think to some extent I am quite rational when it comes to many things, but a feeler too. 
BUT I famously cannot recognize flirting, nor am I any good at it. (now give me a script and tell me to act flirtatiously on stage and I can do that very well in a heartbeat. but somehow real life flirting evades me)

I guess I have been single forever, and try to not come across as needy, so perhaps I do not show much vulnerability and instead appear to be self-contained?

I've asked my male friends (both in and out of academia)  about how I come across, as well, and they did say that overall I come across as likeable and friendly. 
But I wonder if there anything in my mannerisms that I might want to improve or change?

Suggesstions?