Boyfriend insulted me

[anamia]

I was having an argument with my boyfriend because he got jealous for something stupid I didn't do and ended up calling me a whore and a piece of meat with two eyes. Even though he saw me crying he didn't care at all. He regret it in the end but this changed the way I see him and I know that it would take a lot of time to be the same again. I can't find the strength to leave him because I love him. ( Yes I know what he said to me is beyond normal and I have to dump him)

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, anamia said:

 calling me a whore and a piece of meat with two eyes. 

Pull your self respect together and end it. Read up on verbal abuse. Talk to trusted adults, friends and family about this.

[Blind-Sided]

Since I was accused of all kind of criminal level things when my (ex) wife went nutz.  these included abuse of her and the kids, and she tried to have me thrown out of the house, and have my kids taken from me... I'm not always ready to side with the person calling abuse. 

Did you give him reason to call you those things?

Edited July 27, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[anamia]

36 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Since I was accused of all kind of criminal level things when my (ex) wife went nutz.  these included abuse of her and the kids, and she tried to have me thrown out of the house, and have my kids taken from me... I'm not always ready to side with the person calling abuse. 

Did you give him reason to call you those things?

I decided to deactivate my instagram account. After two days I told him because he didn't notice it. He started doubting that I had deactivated it because maybe somebody was texting me ans I wanted to hide it from him. It all happened because of my low self esteem. I deactivated it beacause I didn't want to get influenced and comare myself to what I see on instagram and above all my boyfriend liking other girls photos. I was kind of avoiding him to tell the real reason because I didn't want him to know about my self esteem problem. He insisted on me reactivating it just to make sure that no one has texted me. So I had to wait a week to deactivate it again. I used it once and he notices that I saw his story and made some likes. Then he got angry why I didn't tell him that I started using it again. He told me that it was totally fine for me to deactivate, use it, or post but I had to tell him, because he was pretty sure that I was cheating just because I started using it again when we didn't see each other. ( because I had a bussines trip). He called me whore, bitch etc. and after I told him the real reason about my self esteem, he couldn't believe me and called me the other names.

[schlumpy]

People who cheat will almost always jump the conclusion that their SO is cheating too. Keep that in mind.

[anamia]

9 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

People who cheat will almost always jump the conclusion that their SO is cheating too. Keep that in mind.

Yeah I know that, but I need facts if he does it or not

[Crazelnut]

No, you don't need facts. You need to dump his sorry azz and ignore him. 

[d0nnivain]

You will never improve your self esteem if you continue hanging around men like him.  The idea that you had to show him your IG account so he could make sure no one was texting you and that he was upset that you liked some posts is Controlling & over the top.   Coupled with him calling you those names, good heavens, his behavior is deplorable.  

You may love him but her certainly doesn't love you.  Dump his sorry butt & spend your free time figuring out why you don't love yourself enough to stick up for yourself.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Abuse of any kind including verbal is a bad sign. These people have deep-seated issues that will take a long time to resolve, if they ever do.

Personally, I don't think it's appropriate for a man or woman who wants a serious relationship to be showing off their bodies on social media. Of course, lots of people do it these days, and if you're going to continue "advertising" yourself in this way, you might do better with a guy who's also active in the social media lifestyle.

[anamia]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

Abuse of any kind including verbal is a bad sign. These people have deep-seated issues that will take a long time to resolve, if they ever do.

Personally, I don't think it's appropriate for a man or woman who wants a serious relationship to be showing off their bodies on social media. Of course, lots of people do it these days, and if you're going to continue "advertising" yourself in this way, you might do better with a guy who's also active in the social media lifestyle.

It had nothing to do with showing off my body. He got mad and all started why I deactivated my account. 

[anamia]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You will never improve your self esteem if you continue hanging around men like him.  The idea that you had to show him your IG account so he could make sure no one was texting you and that he was upset that you liked some posts is Controlling & over the top.   Coupled with him calling you those names, good heavens, his behavior is deplorable.  

You may love him but her certainly doesn't love you.  Dump his sorry butt & spend your free time figuring out why you don't love yourself enough to stick up for yourself.  

When I told him that I was sad and what makes everything worse is that he acts cold like it is my fault, he called me and he got angry he started yelling and threw his phone. This makes me feel terrible and I'm alone because as I mentioned I'm on a business trip. I have no one here, no family, no friends no nothing and I can't tell them about my situation right now 

[Crazelnut]

You shouldn't have to prove to your BF that you're not messaging other guys, when you've given him no reason to think you're cheating. Especially when HE is liking Insta models all over the place! Do you believe you've been trustworthy? We do, based on what you've written in this thread. So don't let him mentally twist you into thinking ANY of his actions were ok. They were not.

Do you understand this?

[anamia]

2 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

You shouldn't have to prove to your BF that you're not messaging other guys, when you've given him no reason to think you're cheating. Especially when HE is liking Insta models all over the place! Do you believe you've been trustworthy? We do, based on what you've written in this thread. So don't let him mentally twist you into thinking ANY of his actions were ok. They were not.

Do you understand this?

I know. He thinks I flirt all the time, even though I don't, I have no intentions to flirt with other giys, I don't even see them and I don't care. I'm in love with him and that is all that matters for me, but he gets constantly jealous and all of our problmes start with thas. Then it gets worse by yelling and calling me bitch or whore. He says that he knows he is bipolar and he doesn't mean what he says when he is angry, because he loves me. But I still get hurt. I'm at that point that I think that if he would love me, he wouldn't do this to me 

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, anamia said:

When I told him that I was sad and what makes everything worse is that he acts cold like it is my fault, he called me and he got angry he started yelling and threw his phone. This makes me feel terrible and I'm alone because as I mentioned I'm on a business trip. I have no one here, no family, no friends no nothing and I can't tell them about my situation right now 

Oh joy, he's violent too.  You have to get away from this guy. He's gaslighting you, making you think that things that are his fault are yours.  It's a very manipulative behavior.  

If you are on a business trip, you can still call or Zoom your friends & family.  Get your support from them that way.  

This guy is BAD news.  

[anamia]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Oh joy, he's violent too.  You have to get away from this guy. He's gaslighting you, making you think that things that are his fault are yours.  It's a very manipulative behavior.  

If you are on a business trip, you can still call or Zoom your friends & family.  Get your support from them that way.  

This guy is BAD news.  

I can't. I don't want to tell them about it. My parents don't even know that I am dating him. And my friends told me that I am way to tolerative and shouldn't do that. I don't want to talk to them about it 

[Ruby Slippers]

Mental health problems is no excuse for abusive behavior. He can see a therapist for behavior therapy or medication.

You should get away from this guy. He's only going to bring you drama and pain.

[d0nnivain]

Oh good heavens.  Do you understand that is how you got in this mess, by not listening to your friends & family?  When 1 person in your life doesn't like your SO it's a personality conflict.  When EVERYBODY in your life cues in on the same problems / unsuitable nature of your relationship, you need to end it. 

Have you ever been in therapy?  I think you could use a little insight into why you are this obsequious.  You need to develop a better healthier sense of self. 

For now swallow your pride.  Talk your friends.  Accept that they are right & lean on them for support.  They will help you extricate from this dysfunctional situation,   

[Redhead14]

11 minutes ago, anamia said:

I can't. I don't want to tell them about it. My parents don't even know that I am dating him. And my friends told me that I am way to tolerative and shouldn't do that. I don't want to talk to them about it 

Sweetie, the way you're dealing with/handling the situation isn't working.  So you need to do something different.  You need someone to talk to and to focus on you and just you for a while.  Move on from this guy.  You are doing nothing but damaging your self-esteem further.  The first step to change is to actually take the first step!  It's time to grow up and stand up for yourself instead of remaining in the victim role.  Kick this guy to the curb and take some power back for yourself.  You deserve it.  This is not baseball -- one big strike like this, he's out. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, anamia said:

I can't find the strength to leave him because I love him. ( Yes I know what he said to me is beyond normal and I have to dump him)

No man is worth your self worth and your self respect. 

“Love” is not a feeling, it’s an action. His actions toward you were not loving, in any way. 

Please don’t let the thought that you have feelings of “love” for this man allow you to stay with a man who is cruel and disrespectful. Trust me, it will hurt for a while when you end the relationship but you will get over it... and there are so many better men out there who will treat you with love and respect. You will never find one if you stay with this man... 

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't going to get better, OP. It's going to keep getting worse and worse. 

You're hiding everything from everyone in your world because you know this relationship is terrible, and you don't want everyone else to reaffirm what you already know. Hon, this guy does not love you. He is an abuser. 

Until you decide that you are worth more than this poor excuse for a man, this won't change. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, anamia said:

I'm in love with him and that is all that matters for me. 
I'm at that point that I think that if he would love me, he wouldn't do this to me 

You are right, if he loved you he wouldn’t hurt you. The fact that he does, should be a HUGE RED FLAG to you. And you know this, because you hide this man and this relationship from those you love - those who love you and would tell you to end this relationship. 

You really need to tell your parents and ask for their help to end this relationship. This will not get better, it will only get worse.

When you are young, you think that love will conquer all. Not true. This isn’t love. It’s unhealthy. It’s codependent. It’s a woman allowing a man to act in hurtful and abusive ways toward her because she does not have the self esteem and the self worth to know that THIS KIND OF BEHVIOR IS NOT OK. To use the word love as a reason to stay in such an unhealthy and abusive relationship shows that you have no understanding of the word at all. What your friends are doing by encouraging you to chose something healthier for yourself - that’s love. What your parents would do, to support you to end the relationship because they want better for you - that’s love. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, anamia said:

 He insisted on me reactivating it just to make sure that no one has texted me. He called me whore, bitch etc. and after I told him the real reason about my self esteem, he couldn't believe me and called me the other names.

He seems quite controlling. Don't confuse possessiveness with love. Nothing, Nothing warrants calling you those derogatory slurs. You Need To End It. he does not love or respect you. You need to talk to trusted adults about this. Do not let anyone claim you deserved it.

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

People who cheat will almost always jump the conclusion that their SO is cheating too. Keep that in mind.

Yes that's call projecting. OP keep your emotions out of it. He's treating you with such disrespect. He's beating you down emotionally...that's abuse. So what if you love him, you need to love yourself more. Get out now! dump his a$$ off at the curb.

Girl I have been there. It doesn't stop. And the other poster is right...possessiveness, and being jealous/ controlling is not love.

Edited July 27, 2020 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

You need to dump him, like YESTERDAY.  This guy is abusive, it's that simple.  You admit that you have a low self-esteem problem.  That's a good first step.  Now you're never going to improve your self-esteem if you keep a boyfriend around you who straight-up abuses you.  You need to break up with him immediately.  And don't even date again until you get yourself some therapy to make sure you pick better guys in the future.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

7 hours ago, anamia said:

I was having an argument with my boyfriend because he got jealous for something stupid I didn't do and ended up calling me a whore and a piece of meat with two eyes.

Being argumentative will bring out the bad side in anyone; just as this guy called you a whore, another might physically assault you. The best way to resolve conflicts and arguments, are for them to never happen in the first place, through good communication, boundaries and respect.

The fact that you are even entertaining an argument with your boyfriend, speaks to the fact that you are also part of the problem; I understand your boyfriend's reaction was very unnecessary and rude, but all men, to some degree or another, are going to get defensive in an argument with a woman, especially when that man does not have experience arguing with women; his anxiety builds and he ends up needing to release it all through some outburst, this is normal people stuff, not abused people stuff... Everyone has their limit, this idea that a man should have a never-ending limit, because he is a man, is frankly ridiculous.

In terms of abuse, this is very light at best; you could definitely have an experience much, much worse than this and I don't want to goat others into sharing their own experiences, this is about you OP, not anybody else. Definitely seek counselling.