Boyfriend insulted me

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

In terms of abuse, this is very light at best; you could definitely have an experience much, much worse than this

This is a warning, don’t stick around to experience more...

While people do indeed argue, this wasn’t an argument. This was verbal abuse. This man has a problem controlling his anger. He does not know how to treat another human being with respect. Let’s not attempt to minimize or normalize this behavior - it was completely inappropriate. Ask any woman and they will say, this is not acceptable behavior from a man.

OP, when people show you who they really are, you would be wise to believe them. This is a famous quote from Maya Angelou, a woman who found herself in abusive relationships in her youth. With experience and wisdom, she discovered that you can not will a person to be something they are not. You can not stay in a relationship hoping the other person will change. When someone shows you who they really are, you need to believe them. And make your decisions accordingly...

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Ask any woman and they will say, this is not acceptable behavior from a man.

And yet, this story is all too common.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

And yet, this story is all too common.

Agree. Sadly, women put up with far more than they should, for all kinds of reasons...

I hear your point, men and women can disagree and even argue, but when it crosses the line to name calling, humiliation, and degradation... that’s too much. A man who loves and values his partner will have the self control not to let it get to this point. The fact that this man didn’t stop, is a real problem. I was just really concerned that we don’t want to minimize this by saying “people argue, men get angry sometimes...” Women get angry too, but there is still a line, where one needs to treat their partner with respect. 

[anamia]

39 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Being argumentative will bring out the bad side in anyone; just as this guy called you a whore, another might physically assault you. The best way to resolve conflicts and arguments, are for them to never happen in the first place, through good communication, boundaries and respect.

The fact that you are even entertaining an argument with your boyfriend, speaks to the fact that you are also part of the problem; I understand your boyfriend's reaction was very unnecessary and rude, but all men, to some degree or another, are going to get defensive in an argument with a woman, especially when that man does not have experience arguing with women; his anxiety builds and he ends up needing to release it all through some outburst, this is normal people stuff, not abused people stuff... Everyone has their limit, this idea that a man should have a never-ending limit, because he is a man, is frankly ridiculous.

In terms of abuse, this is very light at best; you could definitely have an experience much, much worse than this and I don't want to goat others into sharing their own experiences, this is about you OP, not anybody else. Definitely seek counselling.

I didn't understand that. I hate havin arguments with him because each time we do, he insults me and I end up being a whore in my partner's eyes so believe me, I don't want to argue at all

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

8 minutes ago, anamia said:

I didn't understand that. I hate havin arguments with him because each time we do, he insults me and I end up being a whore in my partner's eyes so believe me, I don't want to argue at all

The thing is, you could tell us reasons and stories all day, we still would not have a clear picture of your relationship because we are not there with you to experience it, you need to sit with a professional for several hours who you can pour yourself out to; if you didn't want to argue, you should either ask him to leave or remove yourself and allow time to pass, entertaining it is the exact opposite of not wanting to argue.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, anamia said:

. I can't find the strength to leave him because I love him. ( Yes I know what he said to me is beyond normal and I have to dump him)

You have the strength to leave him but you are too insecure to be alone.  If he loved you he wouldn't call you a whore and a bitch.  He calls you those names because that is what he actually thinks of you.  When you start loving yourself more than him you will leave him.  Until then enjoy the name calling and hope it doesn't escalate to physical abuse.  This is usually how it starts.

Edited July 27, 2020 by stillafool

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, anamia said:

I decided to deactivate my instagram account. After two days I told him because he didn't notice it. He started doubting that I had deactivated it because maybe somebody was texting me ans I wanted to hide it from him. It all happened because of my low self esteem. I deactivated it beacause I didn't want to get influenced and comare myself to what I see on instagram and above all my boyfriend liking other girls photos. I was kind of avoiding him to tell the real reason because I didn't want him to know about my self esteem problem. He insisted on me reactivating it just to make sure that no one has texted me. So I had to wait a week to deactivate it again. I used it once and he notices that I saw his story and made some likes. Then he got angry why I didn't tell him that I started using it again. He told me that it was totally fine for me to deactivate, use it, or post but I had to tell him, because he was pretty sure that I was cheating just because I started using it again when we didn't see each other. ( because I had a bussines trip). He called me whore, bitch etc. and after I told him the real reason about my self esteem, he couldn't believe me and called me the other names.

 

(to my surprise)  this does seem to stem mostly from your self-esteem issues.

BUT there is a *reason* in there somewhere relating to how you and your BF became attracted to one another.

 

If you had the more healthy outlook that you'd like, you wouldn't compare yourself to many people...   AND you and your present BF wouldn't have been drawn to one another (for complex, yet tangent reasons)

 

 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, anamia said:

I decided to deactivate my instagram account. After two days I told him because he didn't notice it. He started doubting that I had deactivated it because maybe somebody was texting me ans I wanted to hide it from him. It all happened because of my low self esteem. I deactivated it beacause I didn't want to get influenced and comare myself to what I see on instagram and above all my boyfriend liking other girls photos. I was kind of avoiding him to tell the real reason because I didn't want him to know about my self esteem problem. He insisted on me reactivating it just to make sure that no one has texted me. So I had to wait a week to deactivate it again. I used it once and he notices that I saw his story and made some likes. Then he got angry why I didn't tell him that I started using it again. He told me that it was totally fine for me to deactivate, use it, or postHe called me whore, bitch etc. and after I told him the real reason about my self esteem, he couldn't believe me and called me the other names.

Anamia, you don't owe your boyfriend any explanation about what you do with your social media account. You're not his property. If he thinks you're acting sketchy and suspects you're cheating on him, he has every right to end the relationship. But there's no room for verbal abuse in that equation.

Realistically, if he believed you were a "whore", he would have ended things with you. He doesn't actually believe you're cheating on him. He just wants to abuse you verbally and this gives him as good an excuse as any to do so.

Also, the fact that you can't talk to him about your insecurities on social media suggests you don't trust him to be empathetic. So that makes me think that he has already done other unkind things to you. You're instinctively trying to protect yourself from him.

Is that love or fear?

Edited July 27, 2020 by Acacia98
Typo

[SincereOnlineGuy]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Oh good heavens.  Do you understand that is how you got in this mess, by not listening to your friends & family? 

 

That might not be a fair critique.

 

For the sorts of people who ARE attracted to that sort of partner were most probably created over a lifetime BY such family, and to a lesser extent, friends.

(self esteem is NOT genetic)

 

Thus such a family would be the root of the problem and not the potential solution.

You cannot be any part of a solution until such time as when you cease to be the problem.

[anamia]

6 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Anamia, you don't owe your boyfriend any explanation about what you do with your social media account. You're not his property. If he thinks you're acting sketchy and suspects you're cheating on him, he has every right to end the relationship. But there's no room for verbal abuse in that equation.

Realistically, if he believed you were a "whore", he would have ended things with you. He doesn't actually believe you're cheating on him. He just wants to abuse you verbally and this gives him as good an excuse as any to do so.

Also, the fact that you can't talk to him about your insecurities on social media suggests you don't trust him to be empathetic. So that makes me think that he has already done other unkind things to you. You're instinctively trying to protect yourself from him.

Is that love or fear?

It is totally love. It is him sometimes who mentions to break up so I don't cry anymore. All I want is him to trust me and I don't know what to do because what he expects is to control me and he gets angry when I say that he does that. 

[anamia]

8 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

That might not be a fair critique.

 

For the sorts of people who ARE attracted to that sort of partner were most probably created over a lifetime BY such family, and to a lesser extent, friends.

(self esteem is NOT genetic)

 

Thus such a family would be the root of the problem and not the potential solution.

You cannot be any part of a solution until such time as when you cease to be the problem.

Actually this is true. My friends told me that I was very slim all the time and I got those issues with my self 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, anamia said:

It is totally love. It is him sometimes who mentions to break up so I don't cry anymore. All I want is him to trust me and I don't know what to do because what he expects is to control me and he gets angry when I say that he does that. 

It is NOT love.  This man does not love you.  He will never trust you because he is not a trustworthy person & he thinks everyone else is as despicable as he is.  Everything with him will always be an argument no matter what you do. 

If you want to be loved & trusted you have to get a different guy.  

Listen to your friends.  They know he is bad news & they will help you get away from him.  

[anamia]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

It is NOT love.  This man does not love you.  He will never trust you because he is not a trustworthy person & he thinks everyone else is as despicable as he is.  Everything with him will always be an argument no matter what you do. 

If you want to be loved & trusted you have to get a different guy.  

Listen to your friends.  They know he is bad news & they will help you get away from him.  

I meant it is love from my side. I know I can't tell the same for him

[d0nnivain]

That breaks my heart that you think this is love.  You need to readjust your thinking to understand that this relationship is toxic.   Please consider getting therapy 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

if you didn't want to argue, you should either ask him to leave or remove yourself and allow time to pass, entertaining it is the exact opposite of not wanting to argue.

Let’s be careful not to give her the idea that she caused this. Anaemia, there is nothing you could ever say or do that makes it ok for a man to call you a whore. This is NOT acceptable behavior from a man, under any circumstance. 

36 minutes ago, anamia said:

It is totally love. It is him sometimes who mentions to break up so I don't cry anymore. All I want is him to trust me and I don't know what to do because what he expects is to control me and he gets angry when I say that he does that. 

It also really breaks my heart that you think this is love. You are in an abusive relationship that you have somehow labeled as “love.” I strongly advise you to tell your parents and go see a counsellor, this pattern will play out in every relationship you have if you are not able to change this belief. 

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When you start loving yourself more than him you will leave him. 

This is the simple truth. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, anamia said:

It is him sometimes who mentions to break up so I don't cry anymore.  I don't know what to do because what he expects is to control me and he gets angry when I say that he does that. 

Never let agitators tell you it's ok. Google verbal abuse for yourself. You know what to do. End it and tell trusted adults, family and friends about what's going on.

Keep in mind some people just say outrageous things to get a rise out of boards like this to derail attention toward themselves and try to take away from your subject to start flame wars. Like your Bf, this nonsense makes them feel 'powerful'...

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, anamia said:

And my friends told me that I am way to tolerative and shouldn't do that. I don't want to talk to them about it 

There seems to be a pattern here. Everyone seems to think he's bad for you, but you won't own up to it.

Suggest you recognize that the hot/cold aspect of this mildly abusive relationship is messing with your emotions (via dopamine levels in your brain, most likely) and causing you to become "needy" and unable to detach from him. It seems like the right think to do is ACTUALLY detach from him, own up to your part in this, walk away, and resolve not to let yourself get sucked back in if/when he becomes needy and tries to come back calling and temporarily playing nicey-nicey. Find a guy who isn't jealous/abusive.

All easier said than done, but also all eminently doable.

Edited July 27, 2020 by mark clemson

[Redhead14]

Anamia, if your sister or BFF came to you with this scenario and talking the way you're talking, what would you tell them?  Would you want them to tolerate this kind of abuse/attitude/relationship?  Wouldn't you encourage them to grow a set and do what's best for them?  Be that person for yourself.  Be your own best friend! 

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

8 hours ago, schlumpy said:

People who cheat will almost always jump the conclusion that their SO is cheating too. Keep that in mind.

And people who abuse almost never admit to their wrongdoing....so you will most likely never find that validation with your boyfriend either.

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, anamia said:

I can't find the strength to leave him

Girl, I'd hire a private detective to find it for me, but I would never stay with any man who said that to me.

The fact that you're staying and using a really weak sauce excuse tells him that he can talk to you any way he wants because you're not going anywhere.

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, anamia said:

my boyfriend  ended up calling me a whore and a piece of meat with two eyes.

Have you ever asked him why he's with "a whore and a piece of meat with two eyes"? What does that say about him?

I know and we all here know you're not that and truth be told, he knows you're not that.

I think he's projecting his own disgust for his own actions onto you to own. And yes, it's disgustingly abusive what he's saying to you and how he's treating you.

When you're done reading this, look up "you are not crazy" dot com. You need to read it.

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, anamia said:

meant it is love from my side.

that's not love--it's dependency. You're confusing the two.

How old are you?

[basil67]

9 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Being argumentative will bring out the bad side in anyone; just as this guy called you a whore, another might physically assault you. The best way to resolve conflicts and arguments, are for them to never happen in the first place, through good communication, boundaries and respect. 

@anamia  I agree that good communication, boundaries and respect are paramount to avoiding arguments.  If a couple disagrees, good communication will prevent it from turning into an argument in the first place.   HOWEVER he does't have good communication or respect and you don't have good boundaries and this is where it fell apart.  The fact that he raised you closing IG as a concern was just nuts.  I could understand him being upset if you were flirting with all and sundry and he'd raised the issue respectfully,  but you weren't doing this.  You simply closed your account because you recognise how shallow the whole thing is.   

It's so important to not argue over something where you've done nothing wrong and the outcome doesn't affect him.   Good boundaries on your part would have you telling him that you don't have to justify your decision to him as it doesn't affect him.  Further boundaries would involve you throwing him out (or you leaving) if he calls you a name, throws anything or yells at you.  But above all, don't argue with someone who doesn't respect you and who has poor communication.  If they can't approach an issue with respect, stonewall them.  Yes, you might get dumped, but someone who can't communicate respectfully is not someone you want to be dating anyway.

If you don't want to have the breakup talk, you'd be absolutely justified in ghosting him.   Have you left anything of value at his place?  

[basil67]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

mildly abusive relationship

It's not mildly abusive.  Verbal abuse may not have the literal impact of fists, but it's still serious abuse.    And yes, I would say the same if the genders were switched.