Ending things with MM after 4 years

[AngelLove]

I just realized that I've been with MM for 4 years😳 . I honestly didn't know it has been that long mainly because we took breaks twice that only lasted days so i stopped keeping track. Yesterday i recovered data from my old phone, that's when i was able to open our first text messages exchange which was back in April , 2017. 

With that being said, i want to end it for good this time because it's starting to hurt being with him, knowing he can never be truly mine. Jealousy of his live in girlfriend ( wife)longing,  wish we could be together officially.

First of all I never planned to be an OW. I never wanted to be one in the first place. When we met he made it sound like it was over between them and he was moving out. Looking back, getting involved wasn't wise idea because he was still living with his partner despite him saying there were not together. But at that moment, I believed him. Maybe because i wanted to. Which was due to lack of dating experience and I couldn't fathom why anyone would lie . But boy did I learn a hard lesson. When I subsequently read here other similar stories. I realized that this is quite common.  Men lie.

Apart from him being attached,  he doesn't seem to have any interest in spending real time with me. Our time together consists of us hooking up in car,  his office and secluded outdoor during his work hours. I tried to make plans on weekends but there was always an excuse. I even asked him to take day off at work so he can come over at my apartment to no avail. There was an excuse after another.  So I gave up. Yet he always tells me he missed me and think about me all the time. We were supposed to meet this weekend and he said we should chil it out because covid 19 rates are rising again where we live. Which is understandable. Then I found out he took a weekend off. So he's at home with his family. We used to communicate alot when he's at home when we first met but that dwindled over time. Now he falls off the face of earth when he's home

I already wrote a draft of text message telling him I can't do this anymore but i'm afraid to hit send.I keep putting it off.I know this is dead end road ...I need a reality  check.

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by AngelLove

[mark clemson]

41 minutes ago, AngelLove said:

.I need a reality  check.

For reality checks, honestly, I think you said it all yourself:

 

41 minutes ago, AngelLove said:

... he doesn't seem to have any interest in spending real time with me. Our time together consists of us hooking up in car,  his office and secluded outdoor during his work hours. I tried to make plans on weekends but there was always an excuse. I even asked him to take day off at work so he can come over at my apartment to no avail. There was an excuse after another.  So I gave up. Yet he always tells me he missed me and think about me all the time. We were supposed to meet this weekend and he said we should chil it out because covid 19 rates are rising again where we live. Which is understandable. Then I found out he took a weekend off. So he's at home with his family. We used to communicate alot ... Now he falls off the face of earth when he's home

I know this is dead end road.

[Crazelnut]

Here is your reality check: you're just his dirty little secret. His actions (not his words) show that you are nothing more than sex in tacky places. Respect yourself enough to hit <send> and free yourself. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, AngelLove said:

I already wrote a draft of text message telling him I can't do this anymore but i'm afraid to hit send. I keep putting it off.

I know this is dead end road.

What are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? 

[AngelLove]

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? 

Afraid of missing him. Its like quiting drugs. You know they're bad for you but you're in thr limbo. I'm still ending it tho..i just keep putting it off

[Ruby Slippers]

Good for you. In addition to all the reasons you listed here, you don't want to continue creating more bad karma for yourself in this deceitful situation.

I think it was you I told this before: once you've healed and are ready for love or even just companionship, you can easily find a single boyfriend on a dating site. He may not be Mr. Perfect, but he'll be a lot more there for you than this cheater will ever be.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, AngelLove said:

Afraid of missing him. 

Have a strategy - what are you going to do to keep yourself busy? What are you going to do when you want to contact him?

Of course, you will miss him. But feelings are just that - they don’t require action, and they pass... As long as you are prepared for that, you will get through it. You may even surprise yourself with how much easier it is than you think... the anticipation is usually worse than the actual event. 

[AngelLove]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Have a strategy - what are you going to do to keep yourself busy? What are you going to do when you want to contact him?

Of course, you will miss him. But feelings are just that - they don’t require action, and they pass... As long as you are prepared for that, you will get through it. You may even surprise yourself with how much easier it is than you think... the anticipation is usually worse than the actual event. 

I guess I will just keep reminding myself why I left when the urge to contact him rises

[Marguerittee]

if you are afraid of, don't send any message, don't say anything, just act. Don't need telling him that what you suppose to do. Just concentrate to your "new life" without him, build up your new life. Do things you want first, don't care about him much, now it is not the time to care what you should tell him. if he will ask, you talk to him later. 

[Wiseman2]

You're wasting your life away on a cheater. Just text one line. "I need to end this". Then block and delete him.

[AngelLove]

So MM and I can't see other due to rising cases of Covid-19 so he told me it's best we wait for now until things cools down. We have been in contact sporadically and i feel like this is the best time to create distance because once things go back to normal,  the issues between us still exist. I can't have him how I would want. And this arrangement is starting to cause me pain. I tried to be okay with the situation for while but the blues resurface every now then. Why does being in OW hurt..? 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, AngelLove said:

Why does being in OW hurt..? 

Is this a serious question? I only ask because emotional pain seems to be inherent in the very nature of the situation... You want something that is not yours, something that you can’t have... That doesn’t exactly seem to be the path to happiness, does it?

Kindly, if you don’t want to feel this pain then you should date available men. I understand, you thought he was available when you first met the man... but, this pain could have been largely avoided if you would have ended it when you found out her had a significant other all those years ago...

This Covid separation seems to be a great time to go no contact. It seems to be causing a lot of women to reconsider their position when their affair partners are cuddled up at home with their girlfriends/wives and limiting contact with their OW... It kinda puts things into perspective, don’t you think... his priorities become crystal clear.

Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[AngelLove]

44 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is this a serious question? I only ask because emotional pain seems to be inherent in the very nature of the situation... You want something that is not yours, something that you can’t have... That doesn’t exactly seem to be the path to happiness, does it?

Kindly, if you don’t want to feel this pain then you should date available men. I understand, you thought he was available when you first met the man... but, this pain could have been largely avoided if you would have ended it when you found out her had a significant other all those years ago...

This Covid separation seems to be a great time to go no contact. It seems to be causing a lot of women to reconsider their position when their affair partners are cuddled up at home with their girlfriends/wives and limiting contact with their OW... It kinda puts things into perspective, don’t you think... his priorities become crystal clear.

Yes you're right, thinking back I wish I would stuck with my decision the first time I broke it off. I could have been at a better place now had I not give in when he started contacting me stating he misses me . I have to block his number this time. I definitely learned my lesson to only date truly available men amd not believe anyone who states they're leaving etc. I also believe my decision was largely due to lack of dating experience and couldn't fathom why he would lie. I don't know I believed this is the real thing. Just like most OW's who believe that they are situation is different and not like the typical MM who is lying and just want their cake and eating it too

 

And reading other OW stories, it seems to be hard place to be in once you're tangled up in an affair.  I want to be with a the  person but can't. You end it because you have to not because you fell out  of love and  grew apart. The feelings are still fresh and alive  which makes it harder 

Edited August 1, 2020 by AngelLove

[Hedgehog73]

It’s hard to walk away from someone you love regardless of the situation. You convince yourself just wait a little longer something will change. 4 years is a long time to be with someone and so if walking away is what you really want it’s going to be hard but you can do it. I did it after 5 years and it’s been a struggle every day. 

[AngelLove]

32 minutes ago, Hedgehog73 said:

It’s hard to walk away from someone you love regardless of the situation. You convince yourself just wait a little longer something will change. 4 years is a long time to be with someone and so if walking away is what you really want it’s going to be hard but you can do it. I did it after 5 years and it’s been a struggle every day. 

Thanks for sharing your experience . It's always nice to hear someone who can relate. How long have you been in NC? Also I recently met a single guy and we have been in contact here and there. nothing serious so i hope this will help with the transition 

[Hedgehog73]

10 hours ago, AngelLove said:

Thanks for sharing your experience . It's always nice to hear someone who can relate. How long have you been in NC? Also I recently met a single guy and we have been in contact here and there. nothing serious so i hope this will help with the transition 

Xmm and I ended things 11 weeks ago. 
 

[AngelLove]

3 hours ago, Hedgehog73 said:

Xmm and I ended things 11 weeks ago. 
 

Good for you. I wish you strength to stick it through and not cave in. I'm going to need it too.  This is so hard 

[Hedgehog73]

1 hour ago, AngelLove said:

Good for you. I wish you strength to stick it through and not cave in. I'm going to need it too.  This is so hard 

I won’t cave. It’s been a long time coming and we both just wanted different things. I wasn’t willing to share him anymore and he wasn’t willing to leave her. Nothing more nothing less. To cave would be to admit I am ok with the affair and I am not .. not any more. You just have to remember why you ended things and stick with that even when it hurts like hell.. and it will. But it gets easier and better . 

[AngelLove]

Update 

So MM is off for the next 2 days so I figured it would be good time to send him the text since he falls off the face of earth when he's at home. We used to communicate when he's at home during the first 6 months or so but it dwindled over time. Now i don't hear from him at all even if I text when he is home, I don't hear from him until he's at work. It seems either turn his phone off or put it in flight mode

With that being said, i finally sent a long  text telling him that I can't continue like this since we can't be together how I would want. I want a partner and he can't offer that. So i have to do what's best for me in the long run. God this is so hard. I ended it because I have to not because I wanted to. I still want to see him but not like this. There's just no way around it

Edited August 3, 2020 by AngelLove

[DKT3]

I can see you're suffering,  and I feel somewhat bad for pointing this out.

You haven't ended anything,  and it appears your true motivation is forcing his hand, to probe if he is more willing to leave his situation. 

Thats why you included the not because I want too part.

Unfortunately,  until you really want too end this and he is willing to play the game you won't truly end it. 

[AngelLove]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I can see you're suffering,  and I feel somewhat bad for pointing this out.

You haven't ended anything,  and it appears your true motivation is forcing his hand, to probe if he is more willing to leave his situation. 

Thats why you included the not because I want too part.

Unfortunately,  until you really want too end this and he is willing to play the game you won't truly end it. 

Well I know it's highly unlikely for him to leave though. Even if he turns around and say say things to give me false hope...last time when i ended it he just said "right now i can't give you what  you want but i enjoy the fun we have" I mean when I think about it ,he has 2 children and a house etc with this woman. Also considering the fact that he won't see me outside work hours means he doesn't want to raise suspicion at home. We don't even hangout in public. I only see him for an  hour maximum during his work hours in secluded areas,  like in a car or in his office at his work. He won't even come to my apartment. There were times when we would meet after his shift ends and have to walk to our cars in open and he insisted we walk  separately because they were people around. So this man is doing everything to not caught so I know he isn't leaving. As much as i want to be with him, I just can't continue like this indefinitely. If we met on different circumstances and he was available  and was interested in spending real time with me then yes I wouldn't have ended it. I want to be with me but not under these circumstances 

Edited August 3, 2020 by AngelLove

[BaileyB]

Well, we shall see how he responds...
Have you blocked him yet? Because if you are really finished with this man, that will be the next thing to do...
IF you are holding on, waiting to see what his response will be with the hope that he’s going to make some promises and ask you to continue... Well, that’s a different thing entirely, as DTK3 says. 

I do agree with your assessment. He has an hour for sex during the work week, but no time to talk, won’t walk to the car with you, go to your apartment, take you out for dinner or a date, or anything else that may prompt discovery or interrupt his family time means that he has firmly compartmentalized you into a workplace affair - scheduled in like another work meeting, every Tuesday at 2. A man who does this is not about to leave his wife and family. His priorities are pretty clear. 

[AngelLove]

Honestly, I haven't blocked him yet because I'm curious to see how he responds and what he says. Not because I'm hoping for different outcome because I already know it's lost cause . I don't know maybe because i still care? And i will always wonder. I will block him afterwards

[stillafool]

If it's a lost cause what difference does it make how he responds.  If you're over it , it's over.

[Hedgehog73]

You still care and that’s Ok. It’s important to be honest with yourself. If you are done it won’t matter if you block or unblock him because when you’re done you’re done. But just be careful I have a feeling you get a myriad of responses (after some silent treatment). He will probably change tactics a few times to get you to change your mind. but if you really want more than you owe it to yourself to move on and see what else is out there .  You can love him but love isn’t always enough even though we like to imagine it is.