Ending things with MM after 4 years

[Poppy47]

7 hours ago, AngelLove said:

Well I know it's highly unlikely for him to leave though. Even if he turns around and say say things to give me false hope...last time when i ended it he just said "right now i can't give you what  you want but i enjoy the fun we have" I mean when I think about it ,he has 2 children and a house etc with this woman. Also considering the fact that he won't see me outside work hours means he doesn't want to raise suspicion at home. We don't even hangout in public. I only see him for an  hour maximum during his work hours in secluded areas,  like in a car or in his office at his work. He won't even come to my apartment. There were times when we would meet after his shift ends and have to walk to our cars in open and he insisted we walk  separately because they were people around. So this man is doing everything to not caught so I know he isn't leaving. As much as i want to be with him, I just can't continue like this indefinitely. If we met on different circumstances and he was available  and was interested in spending real time with me then yes I wouldn't have ended it. I want to be with me but not under these circumstances 

He is treating you like a piece of garbage that he uses for sex when he wants.  YOu need to wake up and go looking for you self respect. 

YOu keep giving and he will keep taking. 

The fact is he is married and nothing will change.  If you don't want to be treated like this, then find a single guy who will be available to give you what you want.

[AngelLove]

UPDATE

So surprisingly MM responded an hour ago. He pretty much said, he understands. "The last thing I want you for you is to be  hurt and since he can't give me what I want and deserve the right decision for me is to move on"

So yea, I guess that's IT. I don't why but I started tearing up knowing the door finally closed. I know I made the right decision for me in long run. I just feel emotional right now even though staying was starting to hurt. We were together for almost 4 years, even though our affair a was secrete, we took a lot of pictures together that i got them printed in hard copies and put them in my memory photo album. the tears can't welling up in my eyes. For those who ended it with their MM can you  relate? Did you felt this way even though you knew you made the right decision?

[Hedgehog73]

Yes it hurts and it’s going to hurt for awhile. I loved my xmm deeply. I have dealt with a lot of pain since we ended things. But no one said a broken heart was easy and I continue to remind myself I am not the only one who has had their heart broken and came out the other side. 

Just remember this guy wasn’t special, he really was quite a jerk and eventually if you let it your heart will catch up with your head. Just don’t respond anymore, don’t beg for him back .. just start working on healing. 

[AngelLove]

1 hour ago, Hedgehog73 said:

Yes it hurts and it’s going to hurt for awhile. I loved my xmm deeply. I have dealt with a lot of pain since we ended things. But no one said a broken heart was easy and I continue to remind myself I am not the only one who has had their heart broken and came out the other side. 

Just remember this guy wasn’t special, he really was quite a jerk and eventually if you let it your heart will catch up with your head. Just don’t respond anymore, don’t beg for him back .. just start working on healing. 

I definitely will not beg or would want to go back because I will find myself in this spot again, frustrated because  we can't be together officially as the situation will not change. Also his job is moving in 2 years to different part of town which will be too far for most people and he said he might switch jobs, he will stay in our town but work different place and has already said we might not see each other that often when this happens as it won't convenient for him to see me.  So it was  going to have to end sooner or later 

 

Edited August 4, 2020 by AngelLove

[Hedgehog73]

4 minutes ago, AngelLove said:

 

Im sorry angel I wish I could give you a hug. But I promise you’ll be ok. 

[Lurker123]

Hi Angel. I’m sorry to hear what has happened and I can imagine how upset you will be. I have just been through something similar myself so I know it hurts like hell. If I can tell you anything from my own experience, it is walk away now with your dignity intact. The fact he has not left BS after 4 years, backed up by his message where he basically supports you ending this, tells you all you need to know. I know it will be difficult,  but you now need to block him from everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I can almost guarantee that if you don’t he will continue to send you the odd message- only to keep himself alive in your mind, making it impossible for you to move on. This is exactly what happened to me and from reading this forum for almost 2 years now, bizarrely nearly all MM seem to follow the same path in the way they act- it is very predictable. Everyone told me to block, never contact him again etc and stupidly even though I never saw him again after I sent a similar text and had almost the exact same response as you, I continued to receive messages from him telling me he missed me etc etc. This has now ended in BW finding such a message and my life becoming hell and him completely throwing me under the bus to save his own ass. Please don’t get to that point, block him now and as hard as it is, walk away and live your life, because trust me he a million percent is not worth even a single more second of your time. 
 

I also know you will be thinking ‘but what if me walking away makes him realise that actually he does want me and I’ve now blocked him and he can’t tell me?!’ Trust me- these MM have a way of contacting you if they ever desperately need to!! ExMM phoned me from an unknown landline number yesterday because I have blocked his mobile and I picked up because it is also a phone I use for work. It was only to demand I send messages written by him, to him for his wife to read as evidence he hadn’t cheated and  if I didn’t she would come to my place of work and demand answers 😂 So yeah- if they really want something they know how to contact you. 
 

keep posting on here, it will really help and see this as your chance at ‘freedom’ and to finally live your life and have an opportunity to meet someone who isn’t afraid to show you off to the world. 

[AngelLove]

9 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Hi Angel. I’m sorry to hear what has happened and I can imagine how upset you will be. I have just been through something similar myself so I know it hurts like hell. If I can tell you anything from my own experience, it is walk away now with your dignity intact. The fact he has not left BS after 4 years, backed up by his message where he basically supports you ending this, tells you all you need to know. I know it will be difficult,  but you now need to block him from everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I can almost guarantee that if you don’t he will continue to send you the odd message- only to keep himself alive in your mind, making it impossible for you to move on. This is exactly what happened to me and from reading this forum for almost 2 years now, bizarrely nearly all MM seem to follow the same path in the way they act- it is very predictable. Everyone told me to block, never contact him again etc and stupidly even though I never saw him again after I sent a similar text and had almost the exact same response as you, I continued to receive messages from him telling me he missed me etc etc. This has now ended in BW finding such a message and my life becoming hell and him completely throwing me under the bus to save his own ass. Please don’t get to that point, block him now and as hard as it is, walk away and live your life, because trust me he a million percent is not worth even a single more second of your time. 
 

I also know you will be thinking ‘but what if me walking away makes him realise that actually he does want me and I’ve now blocked him and he can’t tell me?!’ Trust me- these MM have a way of contacting you if they ever desperately need to!! ExMM phoned me from an unknown landline number yesterday because I have blocked his mobile and I picked up because it is also a phone I use for work. It was only to demand I send messages written by him, to him for his wife to read as evidence he hadn’t cheated and  if I didn’t she would come to my place of work and demand answers 😂 So yeah- if they really want something they know how to contact you. 
 

keep posting on here, it will really help and see this as your chance at ‘freedom’ and to finally live your life and have an opportunity to meet someone who isn’t afraid to show you off to the world. 

Thank you for your encouraging and kind support. And yes walking away hurts...I feel so sad but staying was starting to hurt too. How long has it been since you went cold turkey? I hope it gets better for me. 

[mark clemson]

Suggest you don't let the probably inevitable re-contact "just to talk" stop you from moving on and finding an actually available single guy who you can have for real. I'd say as soon as you emotionally heal up enough to be ready, then proceed. Re-contact will just re-open that emotional wound and keep you stuck. NC takes willpower, but in many cases is well worth it - much like quitting a drug and fully detoxing, it gives you your life back. And much like quitting a drug, breaking NC will set you back emotionally. Not in every case/every relationship, but in many cases where the emotional distress of breaking up is strong, it works like that.

Edited August 5, 2020 by mark clemson

[AngelLove]

It's been 2 days if complete NC and I'm in constant pit of despair. Feeling hurt when the  reality hit that he never any intention of leaving in first place..( he lied) Regret for wasting almost 4 years of my life on a dead end. Jealous when I think of him being happy with his wife/gf while I'm left picking up the pieces. I haven't been at work for last couple days because I didn't think like I can  focus. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in bed. I just feel so helpless because  want to be with him but I CAN'T. But as they say time is the best healer

[Crazelnut]

Why do you WANT to be with a man who lied to you and strung you along for years?  That is a serious question you need to ask yourself. 

[Lurker123]

2 hours ago, AngelLove said:

It's been 2 days if complete NC and I'm in constant pit of despair. Feeling hurt when the  reality hit that he never any intention of leaving in first place..( he lied) Regret for wasting almost 4 years of my life on a dead end. Jealous when I think of him being happy with his wife/gf while I'm left picking up the pieces. I haven't been at work for last couple days because I didn't think like I can  focus. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in bed. I just feel so helpless because  want to be with him but I CAN'T. But as they say time is the best healer

I understand this, but again speaking from experience, the worst thing you can do is sit at home and wallow. The best thing is to keep busy and take your mind off of this as much as you can. I know it hurts- and honestly, it will for quite a while. The only way it will get any easier is like Mark said to ‘quit the drug’, hearing from him and contacting him will only get you hooked again for a quick fix and then feeling rubbish once the reality sinks in again that he doesn’t want to be with you. 
 

this guy has had 4 years to sort his sh*t out. It’s time you put yourself first and moved on with your life. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AngelLove said:

 I haven't been at work for last couple days because I didn't think like I can  focus. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in bed. I just feel so helpless 

Get your doctor for an evaluation for physical and mood disorders. Heartache doesn't cause this much inertia. In fact using an affair as an antidepressant isn't that uncommon. If you are honest with yourself, you'll see that this is not about him/his gf, but about your mental and physical health and self neglect using this obsession as an escape mechanism..