Feeling disconnected to my boyfriend

[Taz1985]

I’ve noticed I’ve developed a habit of wanting everything to feel right/and balanced in my relationships,all the time or else I question everything. which is fine but I’m also trying to know it won’t be that way 24/7.

but lately I’ve Been feeling disconnected to my boyfriend both sexually and emotionally.

I have expressed that I wanted him to make more effort in the bedroom and he was aware because he was trying a lot more and I really appreciated that part, but in recent weeks it just feels like things have kind of gotten back to the same ...  leaving me feeling really unfulfilled. He hardly makes any effort when it comes to being physical basically I feel like he gets what he wants and then that’s the end of it. Sex is a very important thing to me.

Also him and my mother and myself all went out for dinner this was the first time my boyfriend and my family member had a real chance to interact and... I was very disappointed to see my boyfriend appearing distant, uninterested and even on his phone while we were sitting at the dinner table.

My mother said she felt awkward and felt like it was pretty rude of him.  to pretty much blow her off when I felt this was a pretty important  moment for me.

I brought it up casually to my boyfriend and he kind of laughed it off and said he’s been distracted with other things. I tried to be understanding and hope things would be better the second time he saw her but, pretty much things felt the same ...and I could tell my mom was very unimpressed. I just wanted him to make an effort in engaging with her. 
Yesterday we went to the beach and since things have been a little bit rocky; I tried really hard to Be nice. But basically it felt like I was sitting next to a stranger the entire day. He was very quiet at times only giving me one word answers which made me nervous and kept me talking more to keep the conversation going...Sporadically he would mention something or start off the conversation but overall it just really felt like I was sitting next to a stranger at the beach for the whole day. I tried to make an effort by driving him where he wanted to go ,to go to the restaurants he wanted to eat yesterday .but still he felt really cold. I asked him several times if he was mad at me or something happened but he just said no, Nothing was wrong. This morning you could tell maybe there was some remorse because he seems a lot more loving and affectionate but I still can’t help but feel very emotionally and physically disconnected to my partner. 
I’m trying to understand that things aren’t always going to be perfect all the time and we have been together for seven months, so it feels like at this point we are really starting to get to know each other and how our relationship works.

But with such a recent disconnection and so many areas - i find myself just wanting space and to be alone, I don’t know what to do .I’m just wondering if anybody has any advice because there’s just certain things I’m not getting .and half the time I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or this is just getting stagnant.

I know he really loves me and he shows me in a lot of great ways .and he does treats me with kindness and respect but, like I said in recent weeks it just feels so disconnected. I don’t even feel like I’m in a relationship, I feel like I am with a stranger most of the time any advice?

[d0nnivain]

It sounds very lonely.  It was rude of him not to be present for the dinner with your mother; meaning him on his phone was out of line 

If you are trying to fix things & he's just not meeting your needs it's time to consider whether you want to endure this mediocrity forever or if it's time to disconnect.  The choice is yours but changing him or his behavior is not an option 

[poppyfields]

It seems like the worse and more disrespectful he treats you (not to mention the disrespect he displayed towards your mum), the nicer you are to him, wanting to do more things for him, essentially rewarding him for his deplorable and disrespectful behavior.

May I ask why?  Where did you learn that the worse your boyfriend treats you, the more distant he becomes and disrespectful, this is your cue to “be nicer” and try to fix it?

It’s the wrong response.  The message that sends him is that you don’t value yourself and that HIS needs are more important than yours. 

This will not render more respect from him it will cause him to lose respect for you, and most likely treat you worse.

My advice?  Get rid.  Find a better boyfriend, one who treats you kindly, does not laugh at you when you express how you feel, one who shows respect to you and your mum and who is not so selfish and lazy when it comes to your sexual needs.

I am sorry, and best of luck.

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Taz1985]

I honestly fell on top of the world with him when we first started going out but yeah it feels like things are starting to shift. I think the reason why I was trying to be so nice is because I felt like I was really nagging on him about things that upset me. I told him about my mom ,I told him about the sex issues, and I got upset at him for another thing which I do admit I felt slightly dramatic, so I think I just wanted to try to smooth things over because.. I was coming out him with a lot of things within a few days. But Yesterday was kind of a breaking point for me, we weren’t a fun couple at the beach having a good time it was pretty much sitting next to each other and hardly seeing anything at all. I felt so lonely I wanted to cry, but I just try to again pick things up by trying to be nice in hopes that the day would turn around but I never really did. I am so sick of nagging at him telling him what he needs to do and what I need... yeah I’m OK with giving some guidance put out this point I Feel I’m constantly expressing what he’s doing wrong. I just want to say for the record that he’s been incredibly awesome boyfriend up until recently and I know I haven’t been perfect either I have lashed out and stuff but I always apologize when I’ve done wrong and try to be nicer . With the lack of sincerity when I expressed how he was with my mom was not cool either. I really would like to try to make it work but I feel at this point I just need some space. Which is really weird because I was on vacation for three weeks and I’ve only seen them a couple times pretty much in recent months. But I don’t want to suck up to him and try to be nicer when deep down I am hurting inside. I guess I just don’t want him to feel like he’s always in the wrong because I want to praise the good he does for me. I appreciate the responses and validation it does help

[poppyfields]

How long have you been dating him?  

My earlier response was based on the assumption it was relatively early stages (first six months) but I should know better than to assume. 

If it's a year or longer, there is an investment there, so instead of nagging, maybe have a sit down, a heart-to-heart without accusations, nagging and finger pointing.  

Be genuine, be honest; gently let him know how you feel, gauge his response, listen to what he says and determine if you can reach a resolution or if it's time to part ways.  

Edited July 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't seem to respect you, your people or the relationship. It may be time to reflect if he is worth continuing to invest in.

[Taz1985]

We have been together 7 months. I feel like I have given him heart to hearts. Twice now about the sex as well. I know the signs. You can’t change people. I really think I’m gonna take a time out.

[Taz1985]

Well he reached out and said “ sorry if I seemed mad but I’m going through a lot lately and you’re not to blame “

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Taz1985 said:

Well he reached out and said “ sorry if I seemed mad but I’m going through a lot lately and you’re not to blame “

He's simply a broody-moody too much  trouble type of guy. Why pull teeth,  when you can find someone less difficult?  Cut your losses.

[poppyfields]

I hate to say it but his behaviour reflects he wants out.  

Instead of you taking a "time out," considering just telling him you want "out."

It sounds like this has been happening for awhile since you've spoken with him before. And nothing has changed. 

Only seven months in, yeah time to call it a day me thinks.

 

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, Taz1985 said:

Well he reached out and said “ sorry if I seemed mad but I’m going through a lot lately and you’re not to blame “

He is either crushing on or seeing another woman.  I'd bet money on it.

[Mystery4u]

Agreed. He is looking for a way out and is hoping by acting like an ass, he will get you to end it with him as that's easier than him ending it with you.

[Maldives]

I think you need to tell him how you really felt with the way he enacted with your family and mum and how it made you feel and bring it to his attention his one word responses etc the more specific the better if he still acts that way then he is not listenning to you or making an effort. Very hard to reciprocate love when someone is being like that distance yourself and take that time out and be alone if it continues draw a line in the sand that you won' tolerate that kind of weak input or effort.

 

I felt like that a little wth the ex wife's family especially her sisters as they could be down right rude but I was always nice and made an effort to speak to em it's not hard to do 

Edited July 27, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Maldives]

Btw he could be acting that way because of the issues you have already brought to his attention he may be feeling annoyed or unappreciated in some way but that's just me guessing 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Btw he could be acting that way because of the issues you have already brought to his attention he may be feeling annoyed or unappreciated in some way but that's just me guessing 

Not sure what you're suggesting here.

Bf acts like a shyt, gf talks to him about it, after which HE becomes annoyed and feels unappreciated?  

She tried "making nice," that didnt work he still acts like a shyt, ignores her, etc.

Do you have any suggestions what she or any woman should do so as to not "annoy" her bf  by basically voicing her concerns about him acting like a disrespectful and rude a-hole to both her and her mom?

I mean, heaven forbid he should feel "unappreciated," lol.

Perhaps if he treated her more kindly and respectfully, as well as her dear mum, she would appreciate him more.

[Maldives]

Not saying he's behaviour is right hold your horses she's asking why that's my guess. Relax hey 

[poppyfields]

Lol it's cool, my post was part tongue-n-cheek, part serious.  

But IF that is how he truly feels then he's gaslighting her --->  flipping the script causing her to feel guilty for questioning him and thus "annoying" him, versus him owning the fact he's a lazy, rude, disresprctful bf.  

I'm sorry, guys like him rub me the wrong way big time and don't understand women's tolerance for them.

Not your fault Goodguy, apologies didn't mean to come down on you.  

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Taz1985]

Crushing on other women I don’t know, I wouldn’t see the point of letting my mind wondering into that territory with out hard evidence. 
I know he’s not seeing anyone else because he works 60 hours a week and sees me on time off. 
I straight up asked him today “do you want to make this work? because I’d like to know if we want the same things “ and he said he did want to make it work. 
but, the moodiness, and the way he acted around my mom was disappointing. Especially his response to my concern after the fact. The sex thing scares me big time. I’ve been with a lazy lover and I can’t go back. 
im through with sucking up to him during moody episodes , and I’m Reciprocating the same energy hes giving me. If things don’t get better I know what to do next. 

 

 

[curlygirl40]

It seems like the honeymoon period has ended and you are seeing the real him.    

IMO a man who really loves you and wants to do right by you would not act this way.    For example, he wouldn't be on his phone while you are with your mom at dinner.  BUT if he was on his phone and you told him later calmly how it made you (and your mom) feel, his response should be to apologize and then to change the behavior.     Not to laugh it off and then do it again.   It shows blatant disregard for your feelings, it's very disrespectful.  

The sex stuff will not change, I don't believe.  He might make efforts but he will likely go back to being the way he is wired and it won't make you happy in the long run.   I was with a guy like that once and it was a big turn off.   It was like he was always waiting for it to be his turn and not really enjoying anything that had to do with me and my pleasure.  It was a huge problem for me.  

The moodiness would really bother me.  Unfortunately that is who he is.    And my guess is that the more you try to make him happy, the less he is happy.   He's just being himself.  

I would pull back and see if he steps up.   You continuing to voice your concerns and be nice to him to get him to change his mood is not working.   Step back and see if he meets you in the middle, if not then I think it's time to let him loose and find someone who appreciates you more.   

[curlygirl40]

3 hours ago, Taz1985 said:

Well he reached out and said “ sorry if I seemed mad but I’m going through a lot lately and you’re not to blame “

I think my response would be 'Sorry to hear that.   Seems like you're not in a place to put effort into a relationship.  I understand.  Take care of yourself' and let him really sit in what he is doing to you.    

I'm not sure why this irks me so much, this text.   'You're not to blame'.  Thanks buddy for letting me know that I am not to blame for you being a s***head.    

[Taz1985]

2 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

It seems like the honeymoon period has ended and you are seeing the real him.    

IMO a man who really loves you and wants to do right by you would not act this way.    For example, he wouldn't be on his phone while you are with your mom at dinner.  BUT if he was on his phone and you told him later calmly how it made you (and your mom) feel, his response should be to apologize and then to change the behavior.     Not to laugh it off and then do it again.   It shows blatant disregard for your feelings, it's very disrespectful.  

The sex stuff will not change, I don't believe.  He might make efforts but he will likely go back to being the way he is wired and it won't make you happy in the long run.   I was with a guy like that once and it was a big turn off.   It was like he was always waiting for it to be his turn and not really enjoying anything that had to do with me and my pleasure.  It was a huge problem for me.  

The moodiness would really bother me.  Unfortunately that is who he is.    And my guess is that the more you try to make him happy, the less he is happy.   He's just being himself.  

I would pull back and see if he steps up.   You continuing to voice your concerns and be nice to him to get him to change his mood is not working.   Step back and see if he meets you in the middle, if not then I think it's time to let him loose and find someone who appreciates you more.   

Thanks a lot for the solid feed back. I realized I need to pull back, and hope he will meet me in the middle. My birthday is in 1 week, I think how he chooses to make me feel special will really be a opportunity to see how much he appreciate me or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he is losing interest in the relationship and doesn't quite have the courage to tell you yet. 

All these issues at just 7 months point to deeper incompatibility, in any case. It sounds like it might be best to end this so you can each find someone better-suited to you. 

[smackie9]

The relationship has run it's course....he's the one on a disconnect. Sorry but he's on his way out.....he's probably waiting for you to dump him because he's such a coward.

[Taz1985]

I get where you’re coming from. But, last night I hardly contacted him and then  He text me saying “I really want to make this work” 

[d0nnivain]

Since he has expressed a desire to make this work, ask him what that looks like to him.  Do NOT have this conversation through text.  Have it in person. If you try to deal with an emotional minefield like this via text you are guaranteed to fail.