Attachment issue

[dragonwalker]

I have been living in a house for the past seven years with roommates. The house is divided all into rooms and I’ve had anywhere from 6-9 room mates living at one time in this house. After all these years I’ve gotten quite use to it and enjoy most of the people who come through. Naturally there are women who come and live as well. I’d say over the years there have been about 20 or so people who have come and gone.  

Usually I’m friendly with everyone including the women and that’s about it. On only 2 occasions have my friendship with them felt like a bit more. I’ve never tried to take this to another level because I don’t want to cause that kind of drama in the house. However, the more I get to know the women the more I get feelings of jealousy or envy.

That is to say if other guys are talking to them or if they talk about their own partners or if I see one of their partners. I know that these feelings are wrong and totally unjustified as we are nothing more than strangers living together but I can’t help it and hate myself for feeling that way.

I think a large part of it has to do with how unsuccessful I’ve been with women. My dating life is a disaster and has always been for my 32 years. These feelings seem to follow a familiar pattern. Over a period of weeks, months, and years in the case of the first women we get closer just through conversation, sharing our lives, feelings and thoughts. All we do is talk. Only once did we go somewhere with another room mate. I think we developed a bit of an emotional connection. However, I was able to ascertain in no uncertain terms that she and I were to forever remain friends and no more. Sure enough, in the time she was here she met someone, dated, moved out and got married with that person she found. Even while listening and talking to her about her own trials and tribulations in relationships I always wanted to be that guy and felt upset sometimes I just wouldn’t have the chance. However I just couldn’t resist talking to her. There was something so comforting in doing it.

Anyway, that was a few years ago. People have come and gone and then a woman moved in about a year ago. She’s younger, 24, quiet at first but we got to talking and I like a lot of things about her. I like her attitude, how she caries herself, and the conversation we have. She’s in a different stage and path in her life that I didn’t take myself but I find it interesting because it’s different. I don’t really know how she feels about me but in general she is friendly to people so maybe I’m imagining when I think she is being nicer to me. I do make a greater effort than others to try to speak to her though. A few months ago before COVID I had hinted at doing something together outside of the house and she did say she was down for it. Basically, it was the perfect excuse to take her to dinner (secret shopper thing). I had tried to wait for her to ask kind of like a spontaneous thing when I had the chance but she wasn’t home that day so I went alone.

The thing is I still stand by my own rule that I will not take it any further unless she or I were to move out. The other thing that bothers me and I’m not sure how to deal with is I think she is seeing a couple other guys. I’ve bumped into them as they have come into the house and she’s just introduced them as a “friend” yet at most I may see them over once a week maybe less. She’s never said she has a boyfriend but then again I haven’t directly asked. I know it’s a bit more because with at least one of the them I’m quite sure she is sleeping with him.

Those same feelings of sadness that I can’t be the one, and then the anger/self-pity and some weak-willed attempt to just stop thinking about her and “stop liking her.” Coincidentally at long last our landlord is looking at selling the home soon and we all may need to move out so maybe that final condition of mine will be met. I’d like to think I won’t talk myself out of taking it to another level after we move but how should I do this? Normally if I were a complete stranger to her I would maybe ask her to see if she wants to hang out sometime under the assumption she doesn’t have a boyfriend. With her even knowing what I know should I ask her soon after we leave or give it extended period of time?

Also, for future purposes how do I stop these feelings of envy and jealousy that come over me when I really have no right to feel this way? Do I literally need to stop talking to women? Ofcourse I can’t do that because that’s the whole point of trying to meet someone, developing those social skills, etc. Well thanks to anyone who gets through this and wants to give me some advice. Thanks.       

[ShyViolet]

I think you should stop looking at your roommates as potential dating partners.  I think most people would not date a roommate because it's not a very good idea.... if the relationship doesn't work out, then you are stuck in a very awkward situation having to live with someone who you broke up with.  These female roommates of yours probably don't view you as someone they would date for this reason.  Look for dates elsewhere.  Join dating apps.  If you are dating someone else then you won't bother feeling this way towards your female roommates.

[dragonwalker]

@shyviolet, thank you for the response but I don't think you read what I had to say because then you would see that I've said multiple times that I am not looking to go in this direction unless one of us or both move out. 

[ShyViolet]

39 minutes ago, dragonwalker said:

@shyviolet, thank you for the response but I don't think you read what I had to say because then you would see that I've said multiple times that I am not looking to go in this direction unless one of us or both move out. 

Yes I did read your post and yes I did see that part.  It is still not a great idea to get emotionally invested in your female roommates as you say you have been doing.  These roommates probably don't see you as someone they would potentially date, they probably see you as platonic for the exact reason that I said before.... because most people know it's a bad idea to date roommates and don't want to put themselves in that awkward position in case it were to not work out.   So you are getting yourself all emotionally invested for nothing.  Even if it's subconsciously, you are making an effort to get close to some of these female roommates.  You should set some boundaries for yourself and just keep your distance from them.  If you would look elsewhere for dating partners, your emotional energy would be directed away from this situation and be focused on other people outside of your house, not people you live with.

[Wiseman2]

Redirect your sexual feelings to women you date outside the house.

[schlumpy]

MInimize your contact with your female roommates. Keep it to hello, good morning, or other general greetings. Don't ask them about their lives or who they are seeing and don't share your own life. You know way too much about their sexual past to ever make a go of it unless you enjoy the thought of other men having sex with your GF. 

I don't know where you will meet someone. It could be on the bus if you ride, library if you read, or some public place where you peruse your smartphone while having a cup of coffee. It will happen but only if you put yourself out there and respond when you get some glances or smiles.

Frequent the same places on a regular basis and at the same times, so some familiarity can be established. It's takes time and patience. It can't be forced. It has to be a natural progression.

Good luck

 

 

[smackie9]

12 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

@shyviolet, thank you for the response but I don't think you read what I had to say because then you would see that I've said multiple times that I am not looking to go in this direction unless one of us or both move out. 

This comment says to me, you have no confidence and this is just one of those excuses to not try to ask them out because you fear rejection.

[dragonwalker]

Thank you all for your comments. For the time being I will make an effort to limit my personal interactions. @smackie, I may have issues with confidence when I approach women but choosing to not do so while she is living here is a choice not from fear but from reason. I have seen this fail in this same house and I have always maintained that I would much rather avoid the drama. Are you suggesting that it would be a good idea to ask her out? 

[Wiseman2]

Do not date roommates.