Feeling strung along

[misfitlife]

I am 51, my boyfriend is 53.  We have been in a relationship for many years & have a child together.  Currently we live together.  I have relayed to him for the last 5 yrs that I want to get married & spend the rest of my life with him.  When I bring up marriage he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but always follows it with what I see as excuses & stalling.  He wants to get this done first or get so & so thing in place or says now is not the right time.  I brought things up again several months ago stating I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life as the girlfriend. That after all the years together it was all or nothing that I wouldn't settle anymore.  His response he thought the end of the yr would be a good time to marry.  
So here I've sat waiting & hoping we would marry at the end of the yr when this week out of nowhere he says we have communication issues and we don't need to get married yet.  I feel like I am just being strung along as I watch my heartbreak waiting for a moment that is never going to come.

[stillafool]

I guess he feels after being together all those years and you have a child together, what is the point of marriage at this stage in life?  Did you ask him to marry you  back when you guys first got together?  If so, why did you stick around so long without a marriage proposal and marriage?  I wouldn't say you are being strung along because you've chosen to be there this long.

Edited July 28, 2020 by stillafool

[schlumpy]

He's gambling you won't leave and that this a temporary mindset that will fade due to inaction.

You are going to have to back up your threats if this is what you want.

That puts you in a bad place. He should want to marry you before you go skipping off with next attractive guy but he doesn't.

Can you live with that or will you accept your broken heart?

 

[Gaeta]

What is marriage gonna bring you that you don't already have? I imagine that you love each other? That he's been a good father, that he provides for your family, etc. If you fear difficulties if you or him pass away then take life insurances on each other, have a will done so your assets go to each other etc. At our age we should not suffer because of what society portrays as 'the norm'. In my culture we don't marry. No one brainwashed me that happiness was 'being someone' else wife'. 

[LuckyM]

Give him a good reason and incentive to marry you soon. Otherwise the delay continues or means never. I am not married but I know. That you need a time and strong incentive that motivates him. Just basic psychology. Not a threat. Be positive and no nagging. 

[spiderowl]

I can understand that you are unhappy that he has not asked you to marry him. If that is important to you, then, as another poster said, you need to follow through with any threats or he will not respect you. He thinks he has the upper hand here.

What is concerning is that he now tells you there is a communication issue between you and that you don’t need to get married yet. Actually, this Is concerning for two reasons: (i) he is acknowledging there is a problem; (ii) he appears to be gaslighting you by implying you are just not getting the subtleties of the issue. 

In a way, by acknowledging there is an issue, he is realising it is not going away that easily. He is probably mulling over what to do next. His approach seems to be to categorise it as a communication problem.  It certainly is because it fails to acknowledge your feelings and needs.

Sadly, I think you need to decide whether this guy is going to be your life partner or not. It sounds like you have reached an impasse and the time for discussion is over. 
 

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by spiderowl

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I can understand that you are unhappy that he has not asked you to marry him. If that is important to you, then, as another poster said, you need to follow through with any threats or he will not respect you. 

So you would advocate she leaves the father of her child, has their child grow up in a split home because he refuses to marry her? To me that's like not seeing the forest standing behind 1 tree. 

[d0nnivain]

I was strung along by a man for 10 years always saying maybe about marriage then transitioning to "it's just a piece of paper" & he didn't "believe" in marriage.  I finally had  enough & broke up with him.  My life got better & I eventually married a wonderful supportive man who was willing to stand up in public & profess his love & commitment to me.  Difference is I didn't have a kid with the guy who was stringing me along.  You do. 

So you have some hard decisions.  What do you want?  What's in the best interests of your child?  Will he cave & marry you because you forced his hand?  Do you really want a commitment that you forced on him & he would grow to resent you for?   Can you care for a child on your own?  Do you want to break up your family?  

You have to assume he will never marry you.  Knowing that you have to ask yourself the old Ann Landers' Q:  Are you better off with him or without him?  When you answer that Q for yourself, you will know what to do.  

Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to ask yourself why you want to marry and what leverage you have besides all or nothing ultimatums. For example, your finances. Make sure your child is the beneficiary on all your accounts, life insurance, etc. Make a trusted adult the trustee of those accounts. Make sure your retirement funds are in order.

Review joint assets, house, etc. Your best friend right now is an attorney, a CPA, your bankers and financial planners. Do this alone. Don't even tell him because technically it's none of his business. As a married couple he has privileges and you operate as a financial and legal unit. Since he doesn't want that, don't give him the benefits of that.

Without marriage you'll have to consider that legally you are a single mother and as such you need your own finances, retirement, etc in order. Make sure he is not a drain on them. The number one thing you can do is make sure you are financially savvy. In fact in retirement it may be to your benefit to not be married.