Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 Going to be long sorry! So I dated this guy when I was 17 and he was 20 we were together for almost a year and ended it because we were both young... we both moved on had other relationships ect... it's been 12 yrs now . we have kept in touch over the last 12 yrs over text and seen each other a few times... fast forward to now... I just got out of a horrible 4yr relationship in March and moved back to my city where we grew up he still lives here we ended up meeting up when I came back and started seeing each other every weekend then it became so much he was basically at my house every night after work and leaving to go to work in the am. This has been like this for two months we hit it off better than years ago when we were together we got to know each other on a deeper level he's everything i want So since we made it official together again we haven't left each other's side.... we even talked about having kids together he wants two more I have none so i want that too... so we started trying.... he then was the first to tell me he loves me and I didn't say it back because it took me by surprise at how fast everything was moving.... i did eventually say it back because it's true. I guess i was just scared caught off guard. the week before we broke up he was even telling me that he wants to get married to me next summer at the same place his sister got married.... I also re met his parents his sister and his brother different weekends he introduced me as his gf to them. so the issue is he has a kid with someone else a 10yr old and they are currently in court fighting for custody of the kid but with covid it's been put off. she moved out of his house 5 years ago and he's been single since.... so has she ... she's been trying to get back with him writing him letters ect... so when i came around she started stalking his house doing drive bys to check if my car was there and freaking out she even went to the extent of msging his mom and sister talking bad about me... on fathers day she had a freak out because i posted a picture of him and i on fb and she saw it some how? She wouldn't let the kid see him on fathers day.... he told me at that point he was super pissed off and upset and to not post stuff of us online anymore heres where i messed up so fast forward to two weeks ago when he was basically living here for two months day n night he left to go home to visit his son at his house for the weekend for the first time in 2 months!!! I messed up i posted pictures on instagram of us thinking that my thing was private so no one would see .... anyways someone she knows has me on there apparently So i got a msg from her saying he wants to be with her and she is his gf and to stop talking to him!!!! and she called him after that at 4am flipping out he then called me and freaked out said he told me not to post anything and im disrespectful and have no respect that it makes him sick knowing I would purposely do that and put him and his kid relationship at risk that he cant lose his kid over stupid internet s***.... that now she wont let him see his kid until court because of me unless he got rid of me.... so he freaked and ended it! he msg me the next day text saying i love you im so sorry but i need to do whats best for me and i cant risk losing my kid. Anyways i need help I don't know how to fix this my heart is broken.... I truly believe im meant to be with him I've never been happier.... How do I get him back it's been two weeks no contact at all from either one of us. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 His relationship with you has no bearing on child custody. Under normal non Covid he could get into court more quickly to force visitation. His EX is violating the child's rights & using the kid for leverage. He's not strong enough to stand up to the EX in part because he doesn't have court as a redress. He's scared & lashed out. Unfortunately he now sees you as a threat to his custody & he's picking his kid. Personally I couldn't be involved in drama like this. You could try apologizing but I doubt it will work. He has too much to lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 You should let this go. He has made his choice. There is more going on here than just the child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 2 hours ago, kbbxo said: we even talked about having kids together he wants two more I have none so i want that too... so we started trying.... You started trying for a kid with a guy you have known for approx. 2 months, who is in a custody battle with the mother of his first kid... That was not smart. Let's hope you are not pregnant... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 He needs to brush up on his legal rights I don't think just because he's seeing you has any bearing on a custody issue maybe nudge him to speak to legal aid re this to put his mind at ease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 Way too much, way too soon . Try to recover from your last situation before you jump in and cause this much drama. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 3 hours ago, kbbxo said: I need help I don't know how to fix this my heart is broken.... I truly believe im meant to be with him I've never been happier.... How do I get him back it's been two weeks no contact at all from either one of us. I would advise you to steer clear of this guy until he is actually free to date you and to have a relationship with you without it somehow jeopardizing his ability to see his child. If his ex is really as jealous and controlling as you say, then it was only a matter of time before she reacted as she did, picture or no picture. Surely she would have reacted negatively to your marrying or having kids? So, until your guy is able to lay down proper boundaries, there's no hope for you. Perhaps you should recommend that he get a lawyer if he doesn't already have one? It also occurs to me that maybe he's not being completely honest with you. Maybe when he's with her, he says and does things that lead her to believe they may have a future? Maybe he's still sleeping with her so that he can maintain access to his child? Unless you can be 100% sure that this is not the case, be very cautious. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 Obviously there is more going on between her and him besides the child. He has obviously told her that they are going to get back together or he wouldn't be trying to hide what he is doing with you. At this point they both should be free to date who they want without the other getting jealous and only have the child between them. As you can see that is not the case. I think you got jealous and purposely posted those pictures even though he told you not to. You say you're trying to get pregnant by him? Has he asked you to marry him or are you content to just be another baby momma for him? I think you really need to think hard about what you are doing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 Yes the last month we started trying to get pregnant Ive known him for 12 yrs we were together for almost a year before and have been back together since March so 5 months now. Ppl have kids by accident all the time at a young age we actually both want one and discussed it before trying. Thanks for the advice! 8 hours ago, elaine567 said: You started trying for a kid with a guy you have known for approx. 2 months, who is in a custody battle with the mother of his first kid... That was not smart. Let's hope you are not pregnant... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 6 hours ago, stillafool said: Obviously there is more going on between her and him besides the child. He has obviously told her that they are going to get back together or he wouldn't be trying to hide what he is doing with you. At this point they both should be free to date who they want without the other getting jealous and only have the child between them. As you can see that is not the case. I think you got jealous and purposely posted those pictures even though he told you not to. You say you're trying to get pregnant by him? Has he asked you to marry him or are you content to just be another baby momma for him? I think you really need to think hard about what you are doing. The weird thing is he doesn't do any social media he absolutely hates the internet doesn't even have the internet at his house. But he was okay with me posting the first one i posted i asked him he said he didn't care. Then freaked out because she wouldn't let her kid see him fathers day. The second post he was aware i posted one of the videos because i showed him and asked him before i did it he said i dont care post it so i did but i also posted a couple more that weekend at the cottage he was unaware of. But since he said yes to one i figured it be okay...? He freaked out because we were drinking in the video at the cottage.... said she will screen shot it and take it to court to show its bad influence for us to be around his kid. 🤷🏼♀️ I agree tho i think he is telling her something about getting back together or trying to work things out to keep her HAPPY and so that way court goes easier.... Thanks for the reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 7 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I would advise you to steer clear of this guy until he is actually free to date you and to have a relationship with you without it somehow jeopardizing his ability to see his child. If his ex is really as jealous and controlling as you say, then it was only a matter of time before she reacted as she did, picture or no picture. Surely she would have reacted negatively to your marrying or having kids? So, until your guy is able to lay down proper boundaries, there's no hope for you. Perhaps you should recommend that he get a lawyer if he doesn't already have one? It also occurs to me that maybe he's not being completely honest with you. Maybe when he's with her, he says and does things that lead her to believe they may have a future? Maybe he's still sleeping with her so that he can maintain access to his child? Unless you can be 100% sure that this is not the case, be very cautious. She would of reacted negatively forsure to us having a kid and getting married in her letter she wrote to him begging for him back she said her worst fear is him finding someone new and starting a new family so she is definitely trying her best to make that not happen. But at that point it would be too late. Yes i agree i think he's probably saying things to lead her on giving her false hope that they might get back together because he wants court to go smoothly. Maybe they are sleeping together but the entire time he was living at my house she didn't msg or call him once only his kid did from his own phone. thanks for the reply Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 8 hours ago, Goodguy05 said: He needs to brush up on his legal rights I don't think just because he's seeing you has any bearing on a custody issue maybe nudge him to speak to legal aid re this to put his mind at ease He has the best lawyer she is using one of those court appointed ones... His lawyer already contacted him about him and I something to do with us drinking in public we were at the beach at my cottage. Anyways im not used to being watched and reported to his lawyer everything I do .... its weird . Thanks for the advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 9 hours ago, d0nnivain said: His relationship with you has no bearing on child custody. Under normal non Covid he could get into court more quickly to force visitation. His EX is violating the child's rights & using the kid for leverage. He's not strong enough to stand up to the EX in part because he doesn't have court as a redress. He's scared & lashed out. Unfortunately he now sees you as a threat to his custody & he's picking his kid. Personally I couldn't be involved in drama like this. You could try apologizing but I doubt it will work. He has too much to lose. Yes she is watching everything we were doing screen shotting stuff and sending it to his mom and his lawyer she is definitely using the kid as leverage it's so sad for a mother to do that type of thing he's not a bad parent at all . He wont stand up to her because i think he wants court to go smoothly and doesn't want to lose his kid i think he's trying to keep the peace... i get it Now... I understand it all now im not use to being watched and monitored by exs and not used to dating someone with a kid it's all new to me . Thanks for the advice Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 I think he’s been dating his ex again behind your back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 1 hour ago, kbbxo said: Yes the last month we started trying to get pregnant Ive known him for 12 yrs we were together for almost a year before and have been back together since March so 5 months now. Ppl have kids by accident all the time at a young age we actually both want one and discussed it before trying. Thanks for the advice! How is it that you felt comfortable enough to try to start a family with him, but not to say you loved him? You were taken by surprise at how fast everything was moving so you didn’t want to say you loved him (which makes sense )...but yet at the same time you trying to get pregnant and thus permanently link yourself to this guy. Forgive me, but that makes zero sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think he’s been dating his ex again behind your back. well im not sure how they were dating again if he had all his clothes at my house and didn't go home to his house for 2 months he woke up at 5am his dad picked him up for work from my place and at 230 3pm he would be dropped off by his dad after the job..... weekends we would go to my cottage or the beach.... this went on for the last two months so im not sure how dating her would work if he was here everyday for 2 months and didn't go home i think we went to his house twice together in those two months so he could check his mail but we were together..... if i was her and we were dating and he disappeared for that long id be at least calling and texting his phone asking where he was. His phone rang once a day around 7pm and it was his kid on FaceTime and i was laying beside him on the couch while they were talking. So that they were dating behind my back isn't correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: How is it that you felt comfortable enough to try to start a family with him, but not to say you loved him? You were taken by surprise at how fast everything was moving so you didn’t want to say you loved him (which makes sense )...but yet at the same time you trying to get pregnant and thus permanently link yourself to this guy. Forgive me, but that makes zero sense. He said it early a while before we started trying to have a baby and it caught me off guard because he's not the type to express his emotions he was always cold with his emotions in the past.... but it's like as soon as he said that all the emotions and love started coming out I didn't expect him to say it... It was also 5am he walked out the door to go to work then came back in the door hugged me and said I love you. It was 5am i was half asleep. After about a week i did say it back because it was true. After i said it back he kept saying it on the daily. And yaaaa im 29 yrs old and out of every man I've ever dated been in 5 long term serious relationships... I wouldn't want a kid with any of them except him and that's saying a lot because i just left a 4 yr relationship with a guy who i was engaged to and wanted kids. I knew in my heart it wasn't the right person. But him he's a great dad to his kid... i see it i see how he provides and loves his kid and does anything for him. Those are the qualities i want in The father of my kid. So ya together or not id still have his kids. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 1 hour ago, kbbxo said: Yes the last month we started trying to get pregnant Ive known him for 12 yrs Those 12 years were virtual... you were not in his life day in and day out for those 12 years.... only the last 2 months.... and that's the calendar he's using to justify dropping you off at the mall, despite the "connection", etc. Your lives grew in far different directions in those 12 years you weren't in the same vicinity. His child's mother pulled rank on you and got you up out of her way--and she has the leverage right now to do it... and she knows him way better than you do: she knew he would drop you off before he'd let you disrupt his ability to see his child. Yeah, the courts may have something to say about it, but they're not going to say anything about it for the foreseeable future--and that's "what is" right now. So, I'd get my head out of those clouds of babies, etc., with him and back to reality. He was your rebound relationship; he's not in the emotional position to challenge his child's mother and his behavior has borne that out. Gather up your life and get on with it. Leave zombies where they belong: in the past and forgotten. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 2 hours ago, kbbxo said: Ppl have kids by accident all the time that doesn't mean he's going to be a stand up/come through kind of dad/partner for you, especially if he's telling you not to post pictures of you and him on social media because he doesn't want his child's mother to see them. The reason he told you that is because he knows that he and his child's mother have unfinished emotional business together and they're far from being done with one another. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, kbbxo said: well im not sure how they were dating again if he had all his clothes at my house and didn't go home to his house for 2 months he woke up at 5am his dad picked him up for work from my place and at 230 3pm he would be dropped off by his dad after the job..... you assume that he actually worked that day... you also assume that his dad didn't drop him by his ex's house to see his child before going into/after getting off work, too. Once he left your house, you don't know where he went outside of what he and his dad told you. If, as you say: 15 minutes ago, kbbxo said: he's a great dad to his kid... i see it i see how he provides and loves his kid and does anything for him. a great dad who loves his kid isn't going to go 2 months without figuring out some way to get over to see his child that won't ruffle the feathers of either his child's mother or his new girlfriend. Edited July 29, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 2 minutes ago, kendahke said: you assume that he actually worked that day... you also assume that his dad didn't drop him by his ex's house to see his child before going into/after getting off work, too. Ya i am assuming he went to work because he facetimes me 3x a day from the job site and i can see where he is... on his morning break his lunch break and then on the way home to my house with his dad in the work truck driving it! im not saying it's impossible but im saying i doubt it during those two months he was living here maybe the 3 months before when he was only with me weekends and two nights a week. Who knows. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kxxxx Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 17 minutes ago, kendahke said: that doesn't mean he's going to be a stand up/come through kind of dad/partner for you, especially if he's telling you not to post pictures of you and him on social media because he doesn't want his child's mother to see them. The reason he told you that is because he knows that he and his child's mother have unfinished emotional business together and they're far from being done with one another. I specifically asked him about if i was allowed to post the first picture months back when we first got together again he said f*** ya he said yes post it so he wasn't trying to hide it until she got mad that he had secretly kept those pictures for 12yrs behind her back hidden and she then wouldn't let the kid see him fathers day... until he got me to remove them. It's all a control thing for her. I read the letter she wrote him begging to get back together. Shes the one who was stalking his house to check if my car was there shes the one stalking my social media... she's actually a nut job.... his sister told me he wants nothing to do with her at all. She uses the kid as leverage to control him. hes the one who held on to our pictures for 12 yrs not me.... months later we took a video of him standing behind me hugging me and kissing me i asked him to post it he said let me see looked at it and said go ahead so i did he's like that's cute i love it. Knowing that she could possibly see it he said yes to post it. And she did. He just said dont post more...which i did... later that week and I feel bad because i did idk if I should apologize or just leave it for now let it play out. His kid should always come first that's also what makes him a good dad. The fact he puts his kid over everything. I know he would do the same thing. If we had a child. Thanks for the advice. Appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Kxxxx said: He has the best lawyer she is using one of those court appointed ones... His lawyer already contacted him about him and I something to do with us drinking in public we were at the beach at my cottage. Anyways im not used to being watched and reported to his lawyer everything I do .... its weird . Thanks for the advice. Ye its weird and very very wrong. What a breach of your privacy its almost stalkerish. If I was you I'd go through all my social media and defriend anyone you don't know and make sure your settings are private. They could possibly use that in an affidavit. I feel for you I went through something similar wth my ex and that custody battle caused riffs in our relationship she lost her kids and then I lost her. Edited July 29, 2020 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 About trying to have a baby - you're talking about a two month long relationship with a man who's just ditched you because you put stuff on social media. This is NOT the kind of relationship to bring a baby into. Yes, people do have unexpected pregnancies, and this is frequently as foolish as trying to bring a baby into the situation you're in now. He's also extremely controlling to get angry about you posting perfectly normal social media updates. That said, I'd look at your privacy settings. If you're not 'public', then figure out who's leaking stories and unfriend them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 On 7/29/2020 at 4:46 PM, Kxxxx said: Ya i am assuming he went to work because he facetimes me 3x a day from the job site and i can see where he is.. but he's not doing a non-stop feed all 8 1/2 hours he's supposed to be working, though, does he? Link to post Share on other sites
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