My GF of 2 years talks to her ex husband everyday and it's starting to make me worry

[Warmer]

I never did mind because they were married 17 years and already broken up for 3 years before we met. I even had no problem with her staying at his when she needed to travel to her home country and they slept in the same bed. She told me they barely had sex when married and suspected he was gay. 

I don't mind they are friends but he calls every.single.day in the morning and again later on. She says they did not connect in their rs but he is always talking to her and messaging her. I think she tells him pretty much everything she tells me. Also he never messages me or likes any of my social media posts but always hers. She also seems to tell him whenever we have a problem. He always helps her which is great but it's like he is her carer always solving logistics and giving advice and I feel like he is her 2nd bf sometimes. Doesn't help they talk in a different language.

What worries me is he does not like me because I am a nobody apparantly as I don't have a high paying succesful job like him so I worry he tries to throw spanners in the works. 

I don't want to bring it up as we are doing well and managed to talk and overcome problems recently. She says he always calls when he is driving as he gets bored and sometimes it annoys her so am I worried for nothing? It's just everyday and I have no idea what they talk about. 

Edited July 29, 2020 by Warmer

[Gaeta]

I have no clue why you are with this woman. I've read your other threads and she has very little respect for you and add this thread to the others, honestly WHY are you enduring all this? NO personally I would not date a man that speaks to his ex every single day because he's her BFF, life is too short for me to deal with that type of BS. 

[ShyViolet]

No, this is not normal at all, this is very strange.  I've seen your other posts about her as well, and it sounds like she is just not that into this relationship.  Why are you staying in this bad relationship?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Warmer said:

 I even had no problem with her staying at his when she needed to travel to her home country and they slept in the same bed. 

I don't mind they are friends but he calls every.single.day in the morning and again later on. Doesn't help they talk in a different language.

It's just everyday and I have no idea what they talk about. 

Why is she with you in your country? Her primary relationship is with her husband. You seem like a handy warm body, not a bf.

[Warmer]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

No, this is not normal at all, this is very strange.  I've seen your other posts about her as well, and it sounds like she is just not that into this relationship.  Why are you staying in this bad relationship?

I wasn't expecting this kind of response I mean yeah a bit strange but very? She is still married to him but he has a girlfriend now also of 5 months and nobody was really bothered about it. They both have life insurance so if one dies the other gets 300,000 but she said she is willing to lose that and marry me so that makes me think she is into this rs. 

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have no clue why you are with this woman. I've read your other threads and she has very little respect for you and add this thread to the others, honestly WHY are you enduring all this? NO personally I would not date a man that speaks to his ex every single day because he's her BFF, life is too short for me to deal with that type of BS. 

Yeah if you add that thread to this but we resolved that other thread and had a good talk. Your right life is short though haha.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is she with you in your country? Her primary relationship is with her husband. You seem like a handy warm body, not a bf.

She moved to another country and I joined her. She was not happy with her husband, she came from an abusive relationship of 8 years before him. Her ex pursued her a lot at work and she initially was not interested but because he was so nice she thought why not give it a chance. But she didn't love him it was just nice to be in a safe relationship, she is not into marriage she did it for him. He gave her anything she wanted she used to drive a porch but he couldn't give her what she really needed intimacy, connection, shared philosophical beliefs, interests and romance.

[snowcones]

Jeez, if you're been dealing with this for 2 years, I highly doubt you'll be able to change it now.

[Warmer]

I know I wish I had said from the start when she asked if I was okay with it but I thought I would be. Apparantly they have been talking a lot because they are making steps to get divorced but he has been ringing her everyday all year. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Warmer said:

 they are making steps to get divorced but he has been ringing her everyday all year. 

So she is having an affair with you and she's still married and they speak to each other in their language, so you are sort of left out of their interactions.

[Gaeta]

Warmer: You know we pick the life we have. You cannot change people and cannot inject respect and loyalty into them. What you see is what you get. You chose to follow a still married woman to her country knowing she was talking to her ex  every single day and no way for you to understand what is going on. If you want a relationship with a woman that understands respect and loyalty you'll have to end this and find someone better suited to you. This one is what? 20 years older? She's killing time with you, you're like her little chihuahua she keeps in her purse. You're cute, useful in bed, you're convenient for  now. 

Edited July 29, 2020 by Gaeta

[Warmer]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

So she is having an affair with you and she's still married and they speak to each other in their language, so you are sort of left out of their interactions.

No It is not an affair as he knows and knew from begining. 

46 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Warmer: You know we pick the life we have. You cannot change people and cannot inject respect and loyalty into them. What you see is what you get. You chose to follow a still married woman to her country knowing she was talking to her ex  every single day and no way for you to understand what is going on. If you want a relationship with a woman that understands respect and loyalty you'll have to end this and find someone better suited to you. This one is what? 20 years older? She's killing time with you, you're like her little chihuahua she keeps in her purse. You're cute, useful in bed, you're convenient for  now. 

I did not know they talk every single day all I knew was they were broken up for years stayed friends and he helped her out with some stuff. That is steretypical thinking to think an older woman just has a younger guy as an acessory. She is serious about divorcing and marrying me which is a big risk and investment to her so I dunno

[schlumpy]

The bottom line is that you created this mess by accepting her behavior. You've let it go on to the point where saying something now makes you look like an idiot. You don't seem to want out of the relationship so stay, enjoy the good moments and overlook the bad.

I think you can do better but it doesn't matter what I think.

It's your show to run.

 

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she gets her emotional connection with him - and vice versa. Talking with her every day is not normal, especially if they do not share a child/children. 

I guess it is up to you to decide what you will put up with. I cannot see this situation improving unless you draw a line here. Even then, telling her you are not happy with it, does not mean she will be willing to give up on him.

I think you would be better abandoning this relationship and finding someone who can focus on you. Your girlfriend is in two relationships.

Edited July 29, 2020 by spiderowl

[Warmer]

10 hours ago, schlumpy said:

The bottom line is that you created this mess by accepting her behavior. You've let it go on to the point where saying something now makes you look like an idiot. You don't seem to want out of the relationship so stay, enjoy the good moments and overlook the bad.

I think you can do better but it doesn't matter what I think.

It's your show to run.

 

Not anymore, she dumped me this morning  Have to fly back to my home country on Monday. It was not this bad earlier in our rs, he didn't used to ring so often.

10 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like she gets her emotional connection with him - and vice versa. Talking with her every day is not normal, especially if they do not share a child/children. 

I guess it is up to you to decide what you will put up with. I cannot see this situation improving unless you draw a line here. Even then, telling her you are not happy with it, does not mean she will be willing to give up on him.

I think you would be better abandoning this relationship and finding someone who can focus on you. Your girlfriend is in two relationships.

I never realized this, you're right, he also visits her he flys over and stays for like 3 to 5 days drives her around and they go for meals. He is coming again in a week, he's bringing her new glasses but he booked it before she needed those. Because I felt like there was nothing more than friendship between them I didn't have a problem with it but it did get to the point I felt there was someone else in our relationship and someone who I don't really like who also does not like me. I think her decision to break up this morning was coerced from him, after they spoke on the phone. 

Edited July 30, 2020 by Warmer

[Wiseman2]

They are still married. Go back to your country and put this affair behind you.

[Warmer]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

They are still married. Go back to your country and put this affair behind you.

Why is it an affair? They are not together and will not be getting back together, he has his own girlfriend

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Warmer said:

Why is it an affair? They are not together and will not be getting back together, he has his own girlfriend

Because they are still legally married and deeply emotionally involved. He may have a girlfriend, but he certainly isn't being faithful to her (in the emotional sense).

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Because they are still legally married and deeply emotionally involved. He may have a girlfriend, but he certainly isn't being faithful to her (in the emotional sense).

Agree, you and her husband's GF are just pieces on their sick chessboard.

You were her local houseboy and much younger puppy toy.

Go back to your country. Delete and block her and all her people.

[Warmer]

I was suppose to fly Monday night but she came home and because I accidently forgot to open the window so the cat cat can go in and out she became angry and drove me to the airport. Her ex husband was on the phone the ENTIRE time even in the car. I cannot beleieve I have been such an idiot. So I am stuck in the airport and will have to wait until tomorrow night for 11pm flight then wait in my home airport until Saturday morning train. All while wearing a mask. She could not even let me stay until Monday to get my flight. 

[spiderowl]

I am genuinely sorry to hear what happened, OP.  I think you are better off getting back home and putting this behind you. I hope you manage to get your flight ok.

You are genuine; you got caught up in a situation where, unfortunately, she was still very much emotionally involved with her ex. Instead of blaming yourself in any way, take this as a learning experience. Few people would recognise a pre-existing emotional relationship until they have seen one in practice and if she was trying to convince you and herself that she was emotionally free to date you, then that is even more convincing.

When we are keen on someone, it is easy to think they feel the same way. If they say so, then it looks like they mean it. However, people don’t know their own unconscious minds - her behaviour shows where her emotional attachment lies. I feel for his girlfriend too because she is in a relationship of three, whether she realises it or not. 

You have the potential to have a good relationship with someone else. You were sincere and have done nothing wrong. I think you can go forward knowing that you have integrity here.

[schlumpy]

Don't allow yourself to get into a situation where you are totally dependent on someone's benevolence. It's much better to have your own resources.

[Warmer]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I am genuinely sorry to hear what happened, OP.  I think you are better off getting back home and putting this behind you. I hope you manage to get your flight ok.

You are genuine; you got caught up in a situation where, unfortunately, she was still very much emotionally involved with her ex. Instead of blaming yourself in any way, take this as a learning experience. Few people would recognise a pre-existing emotional relationship until they have seen one in practice and if she was trying to convince you and herself that she was emotionally free to date you, then that is even more convincing.

When we are keen on someone, it is easy to think they feel the same way. If they say so, then it looks like they mean it. However, people don’t know their own unconscious minds - her behaviour shows where her emotional attachment lies. I feel for his girlfriend too because she is in a relationship of three, whether she realises it or not. 

You have the potential to have a good relationship with someone else. You were sincere and have done nothing wrong. I think you can go forward knowing that you have integrity here.

Thanks I just hope I don't get kicked out after midnight or catch the virus. 

Are you sure it's an emotional relationship because she doesn't want to be with him and she left him years ago? I always took it as friends talking and she said she was in the process of divorcing him so we can be together. Though the fact he was on the phone the entire time I was leaving just shows how much she must of been sharing with him. 

I thought she did as she gave me everything and I saw how much she loved me. I did become depressed because of this situation in the last couple months and that affected our rs. I was a really positive person before this rs and now I feel like I don't trust anyone.

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Don't allow yourself to get into a situation where you are totally dependent on someone's benevolence. It's much better to have your own resources.

That is true and something I always feared when I moved to be with her.

[notbroken]

Nope.  Wouldn't be with a woman that slept in another man's bed - even if she said there was no sex and he 'might be gay'.   Just no way.  Hard next!

[gamon]

12 hours ago, Warmer said:

he also visits her he flys over and stays for like 3 to 5 days drives her around and they go for meals.

Where did you stay when he was staying with her?

 

[Warmer]

We slept upstairs he would sleep downstairs.

[spiderowl]

I think if not a lovers emotional relationship then a closer friends emotional relationship than you had with her unfortunately. 

You will learn from this though. That’s how we get wiser, though I learned lots of things I am still making mistakes and learning all the time.