She broke up with me. I want to be back with her

[lovehiker]

Hello everyone, I (M 29) living in the south of France, her (22F) eastern european country.

Context:

I was in a distant relationship with her for almost 3 years. First meeting happened 2 months after the first conversation online, it was magical . We were meant to be together because before knowing me she had planned a 6 months internship 30min near me in Italy 3 months after our first meeting. We were deeply in love, imagined for the first time in our lives having kids in futur with this person, living together etc. We made it work, video almost every night, I'd regularly send love letters and care packages. So I'd go there, she'd come here, seeing each other on average every 3-4 months. All was going well, our families met. Although no definite plan about how to live closer / together (both our fault). There was an attempt last year; I found her first job interview in France. It went great but got denied because of work visa paperwork. So because of that she did not pursue looking or even consider other offers I had. And me moving there is harder since I don't speak russian and the median salary is 500$ : / 

We spent XMAS together here, her mom even joined us to celebrate, it was the best one I ever had.

Downfall:

So fast forward to this great "2020". Few days after new year she warned me that if I don't stop acting depressed, blaming stupidity of society and get moving in life it will get hard for her to love me (I've lost passion in my work, not good money anymore, and closed my company). Besides that all was going well, even agreed by text end of march that we were at the beginning of a long lasting love . Then the real s*** storm happened: virus started, I got a bit too enthusiastic about all the bad news which annoyed her. She started a new job (bad time management, often work 10-21h) + her side projects. France got lockdowned and closed borders, a week later her grandma died, the week after her other grandma died (both strokes not virus). She blamed me for not being there, pointed out the weaknesses of such a relationship, refused my online support (which I can understand and gave her grieving space). I truly wanted to be there, even made plans before lockdown to travel there april / may. But eh what was supposed to do, couldn't even go to the airport. Since that, she became withdrawn, emotionally unavailable, delayed responses, told me she started to have mix feelings towards me, that I'm not adventurous enough, too negative. When I heard that I was devastated, that's it I lost her mentally, I got suspicious and anxious. Then hugs and smileys slowly disappeared from chat. Less and less time for me, less video call. Seeing all this made me panic, insisting / chasing her to have proper conversations. So I went full conspiracy mode, mid of may, connecting the dots.....she was emotionally cheating on me. She was surprised I discovered it, told me she was trying to battle those feelings and find energy to keep loving me. Reminding me that she wants to see me in real. How could I trust her now ? Why would I go there to be dumped ? I hesitated ( already was end of april because lockdown was finishing mid-may), until I decided to go there for the month of june (yep should have gone earlier, those 2 last weeks of may were fatal). When I told her I was coming there was no joy from, no enthusiasm, just neutral surprise. Almost wanted to cancel because of that.

The person I met wasn't her, she seemed empty, eaten up by work, lost weight. Wasn't holding my hand in public, when I took hers it felt like a dead fish. She thought seeing me irl would spark something back. The most disturbing thing of all was that she was uncomfortable to look me in the eyes. She felt lost herself and booked online therapist session, because her heart was empty and only her reason, logical part was keeping her with me. Therapist said love is not rational -_-.  She lost all interest and broke up with me 2 weeks in. I got sick due to emotions. Spent the 2 last weeks alone in the airbnb coping with relationship coaching videos, felt better, listed projects to do, all my interests. Her mom came to tell me goodbye, cried. 

She wanted to stay friends, and was sad to lose me and my parents (something she has to accept before making such decision lol ). I called on that bulls*** and said I'm your lover, can't be friends (plus the way she is friends with people is always on a superficial level), but my door is open if you change your mind. We'd only contact if hospital etc, accomplishments and if she changes her mind. 

When I was there on the first night I made her swear if there was nothing else with the guy besides talking, the answer was no. But after she announced breakup, whenever I brought up that guy in questions, answers were none of my business or avoided question. 

Aftermath:

Since I'm back, no contact except to answer her I got home ok and later when virus tests came negative from the plane.

I come to you because despite it all I think of her everyday and of course want her back, I love her so much. I know what we had is dead but creating a new one is possible. One where we're more mature and mutually decide of a plan to live together. Plus given the circumstances of all the downfall it doesn't feel fair. We've never argued before this period, it's a shame to have given up at the first challenge we faced. I've been working on myself and my flaws to become a better man. I'm looking for a new job now. I don't know how to reignite that spark in her through communication. Or even to establish communication. I've been tempted to send an email to her mom to share my concerns about her daughter and my point of view, because since tragedy she's been talking less to her mom as well. She keeps blaming herself about being self destructive towards others (like me when still together) without changing anything. I worry about her well being, and my anxious side suspects she might be with this guy now. I can fully visualize the man i want to be and I I know deep down she would like this new me.

It's been 6 weeks since breakup, 25 days since last goodbye.

I have been working hard on myself to improve and sent her monday a voice message monday to share about my achievments as we agreed. She wrote sincerely happy you're doing well.