Ryan_B Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 Hello. I made a new thread a few days ago explaining my situation, but things have changed for the worse and o can't cope. Basically, my wife and I haven't been on the best terms for a year or so and deep down I've always known we wouldn't last much longer. On Friday last week, my friend told me that he had seen her on various dating sites. I asked her about it and she was adamant that it's just for friendship and a bit of harmless flirting with other men. I was/am totally heartbroken. We had a fight and on Sunday she left with the kids and moved into her mum's without even telling me what she was doing. I then did something a bit silly and logged into her personal Facebook accounts et. I read messages between her and her work mate saying how she has been sexting with other blokes and about all the "insanely fit blokes on tinder" that she's speaking with. All I can see in my mind is her sending these blokes all sexual messages and pictures/videos of herself doing all sorts for them. I feel weak and numb and don't feel like I can fight for my children to get access, as I'm constantly thinking about her for some reason. I do still love her (she's been telling me for months that she doesn't love me). Obviously my children are the most important people, but I can't get the energy to speak to solicitors etc as all I think about is my wife sending these messages and videos etc to other men and it hurts so much. I want them all back and I know that won't happen. How can I possibly turn off my feelings/love/ jealousy of my wife and focus purely and solely on my little ones? I know I sound pathetic, and of course the kids are my priority, but that doesn't stop my feelings for her Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 She moved out with the kids? Was there abuse? Seems like this is more about a horrible marriage than dating sites. Yes you need a doctor and a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryan_B Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: She moved out with the kids? Was there abuse? Seems like this is more about a horrible marriage than dating sites. Yes you need a doctor and a lawyer. No, there wasn't any abuse. She was always quite controlling and her mother has basically always been involved in everything we do aswell which had never been great for me. She told me about 7 months ago that she doesn't love me and started speaking about breaking up back then. I just never wanted it to happen so kept trying to shut it out. I really love her still and it's broken me knowing that she is already prepared to move on with other people. I haven't even been able to speak to the solicitor as I've been too down and upset so my mum has been doing it for me. I just wish I could stop feeling the way I do about her. All I want from life is a nice, happy home with my children and the woman I love. Now it looks like neither of those will happen, and yet she might end up in a great relationship with a new guy and our daughters. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) It's very sad, but is the reality of the situation and you'll need to face it. From what you write, she's planned to leave for some time, and rather than making a clean break has decided to start monkeybranching. It sounds like in reality you have been "Plan B" for a while. She has had time to plan for and adjust psychologically to a "new reality" while for you the most significant part of it is just starting now. You should realize that psychologically you're getting a "double-whammy" from this. "You still love her" - part of what that means is that when she leaves your brain's dopamine levels drop. This makes you "needy" for her. Take a step back and realize that's part of what's going on - literally a brain chemistry phenomenon. There are other ways to increase dopamine levels, such as socializing, achievements, etc. The other part of this is that this creates a temporary "gap" in your sense of identity (tied to being a family man - the family has been taken away). Here again, IMO the solution, once you've processed your feelings somewhat, is to branch out. It's easier said than done, but taking the focus off of her (except as needed for practical matters) and putting it elsewhere may help quite a bit. Consider reading up about "the 180" on other sites which gives practical and specific tips for how to accomplish this. Further down the road, once this difficult stage of your life has played through a bit, you'll have the option to move on to a new (and hopefully nicer) woman. Unless you live in a small town or something, there are lots of women out there looking for a decent man. They're not all fantastic catches, but some are pretty good. Single women who have a kid have a particularly hard time so, while this is NOT a recommendation, if you like being a family man you could consider finding a woman with one kid and having a second one with her and starting a new family. All up to you, and there's no telling where life will take you, but as they say - never let a crisis go to waste. Change is being thrust upon you, so once you've processed the initial distress, it becomes an opportunity for a new and hopefully better life, with potentially a new and better life companion in it for you as well. Edited July 29, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Ryan_B said: I just wish I could stop feeling the way I do about her. You can get a start by being angry. If you aren't angry at her, I doubt there was much love there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryan_B Posted July 29, 2020 Author Share Posted July 29, 2020 26 minutes ago, mark clemson said: It's very sad, but is the reality of the situation and you'll need to face it. From what you write, she's planned to leave for some time, and rather than making a clean break has decided to start monkeybranching. It sounds like in reality you have been "Plan B" for a while. She has had time to plan for and adjust psychologically to a "new reality" while for you the most significant part of it is just starting now. You should realize that psychologically you're getting a "double-whammy" from this. "You still love her" - part of what that means is that when she leaves your brain's dopamine levels drop. This makes you "needy" for her. Take a step back and realize that's part of what's going on - literally a brain chemistry phenomenon. There are other ways to increase dopamine levels, such as socializing, achievements, etc. The other part of this is that this creates a temporary "gap" in your sense of identity (tied to being a family man - the family has been taken away). Here again, IMO the solution, once you've processed your feelings somewhat, is to branch out. It's easier said than done, but taking the focus off of her (except as needed for practical matters) and putting it elsewhere may help quite a bit. Consider reading up about "the 180" on other sites which gives practical and specific tips for how to accomplish this. Further down the road, once this difficult stage of your life has played through a bit, you'll have the option to move on to a new (and hopefully nicer) woman. Unless you live in a small town or something, there are lots of women out there looking for a decent man. They're not all fantastic catches, but some are pretty good. Single women who have a kid have a particularly hard time so, while this is NOT a recommendation, if you like being a family man you could consider finding a woman with one kid and having a second one with her and starting a new family. All up to you, and there's no telling where life will take you, but as they say - never let a crisis go to waste. Change is being thrust upon you, so once you've processed the initial distress, it becomes an opportunity for a new and hopefully better life, with potentially a new and better life companion in it for you as well. Very sound/sensible advice. I have been considering even trying to make a new friend (I know some of the dating sites she's used have a side bit where you are looking just for friends. Maybe try and talk to some new people on there, see how I get in with them. For all I know, I could end up making a friend on there and we end up falling in love with each other haha! People have been telling me that while I obviously need to try and sort out access to my girls (she's refusing me so it'll have to be a legal process) I can also focus on other parts of my life at the same time. If she can go on all these sites and start sexting people within just a couple of days of signing up, then what's wrong with me just going on there to make a new friend? My daughter's are obviously the number one priority for me, but while I've got these feeling lingering for my wife, I can't find that determination I need to fight her for access to my girls. But if I did meet a new person, even as just a friend for now, my clouded judgement for my wife might disappear and then I'll be in a better position to a) fight for those children, and b) move on with the other parts of my life and potentially even develop something special with a new lady? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Ryan_B said: She told me about 7 months ago that she doesn't love me and started speaking about breaking up back then. Are you legally married? You need an attorney and a therapist to sort through all this. Sticking your head in the sand is a way to get blind-sided. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 29, 2020 Share Posted July 29, 2020 13 minutes ago, Ryan_B said: Very sound/sensible advice. I have been considering even trying to make a new friend... Thanks. On the friendship thing, sure - just consider - any GF you make right now would most likely be a rebound/temporary "salve" for your emotions. You have not fully processed the end of the current relationship. While it's not exactly wrong and may help a lot in the short term, ideally IMO you want to be fully emotionally independent so you can approach the next real relationship from a place of emotional strength and secure attachment. That takes time and processing. So, if you do that, suggest you do it with open eyes as to why and what purpose it serves. Also, you're in an emotionally vulnerable state, so happening upon the wrong lady (e.g. a sexy but somewhat crazy type such as a woman with BPD) might do more harm than good. So suggest you be cautious with this. Actual friendship with no strong romantic connection may do less for you, but will still probably help quite a bit + is probably a safer bet right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryan_B Posted July 30, 2020 Author Share Posted July 30, 2020 I was awake all night crying my eyes out. I keep on looking on Facebook/WhatsApp during the middle of the night and see that she is online when normally she'd be asleep by 10pm. I know she is probably sitting there, telling guys what she wants to do to them and vice versa. She should be saying these things to me, not random men online. Why is she happy showing other men every little bit of her body, when she hasn't let me even cuddle her for a year or so? Why am I so jealous of her and feeling suicidal over a woman who clearly doesn't care about me? She's taken my children and not letting me see them (my solicitor is writing a letter to her tomorrow with some proposals) and yet I'm still hurting so much about what she's doing and want her back. I will admit now, that I did try to kill myself when she first left at the weekend, and I'm not feeling any better now. I'm scared of her being with a new guy, scared of losing my children forever and scared of where my life is heading. It's not like we've even been getting on well. We are constantly arguing and she is always getting in such bad moods etc. So why don't care about her so much? Why can't I tell myself that she's a horrible person and that the children are the only thing I should be focussing on? I just keep envisioning myself living alone, single and constantly in a depressed state, while she is in a new home, with our children and a new partner. How can I get over these feelings and just focus on winning my daughter's back?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I don't think you are going to find any answers within yourself and frankly you are in downward spiral with no bottom. I'm not a big fan of medication but you should temporarily seek some chemical help. A full blown physical where you inform the doctor of your mental state is a must. Do not ignore how dangerous you are to yourself for the moment. If you can get stabilized then you can take that first step towards recovery. Forget focusing on the kids. You are no state to help them. You must help yourself first. Counseling along with drug therapy is your only real choice but don't expect too much. You have one other choice and that is religion. Millions of people more desperate then you have found relief from their burdens by turning them over to God but like any other process of healing or getting yourself right with world it takes time and dedication but it is an option. If you can't do this yourself then allow a close friend to intercede on your behalf. Use their will power to get the help you need to find your center again. There are a lot of good days ahead for you. I wish I could do more for you but I'm just words on a page. Good luck and Good wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 You need to get to an emergency room . Suicide attempts are serious. You seem almost incapacitated. She didn't steal your kids. She and your kids are safe at her parents given your unstable and delusional state. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryan_B Posted July 30, 2020 Author Share Posted July 30, 2020 9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You need to get to an emergency room . Suicide attempts are serious. You seem almost incapacitated. She didn't steal your kids. She and your kids are safe at her parents given your unstable and delusional state. Trust me. I've only had these thoughts due to the shock of her leaving and taking the children. Before then, I was by far the more stable of the two of us. She has been seeing a councillor for years and has admitted three times to me over the past two months that she wants to kill herself and how life is too much for her. So she has gone from that, to speaking to loads of men and sexting them (something she's never been into before, not even when we first met), getting pretty sexual over the phone by all accounts. How can she suddenly feel ready to date again? I'm sitting at home, crying into our photos together and thinking about what she is possibly getting upto every minute of the day, and there she is, trying to start a new chapter of her life. She was active on WhatsApp until 3am last night when normally she'd be in bed at 10. Why am I even looking at all this? All while she has my children and I'm struggling to get any kind of access Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Ryan_B said: She was active on WhatsApp until 3am last night when normally she'd be in bed at 10. Why am I even looking at all this? All while she has my children and I'm struggling to get any kind of access This sounds like what's known as "pain-shopping" in the BS community - you are seeking information, but also exposing yourself to new/added emotional distress. It's understandable, but the typical advice I have seen is to end or severely limit it - for those exact reasons - it's just causing added emotional distress. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 14 hours ago, Ryan_B said: I keep on looking on Facebook/WhatsApp during the middle of the night and see that she is online when normally she'd be asleep by 10pm. If you still have access to her Facebook conversations, you need to take screen shots of everything and put them in a cloud folder that she can never get to... and you need to keep quiet about what you're doing. If you dont' want to be taken to the cleaners by her, you're going to have start amassing a dossier on her that she cannot deny. Certainly cry, because this is upsetting, but also channel that hurt into productive energy to protect what you should be protecting---and go find yourself a shark of a divorce attorney who has no tolerance for cheating spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 2 hours ago, Ryan_B said: Trust me. I've only had these thoughts due to the shock of her leaving and taking the children. You posted that you tried to kill yourself. That's more than thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 The worse thing you could do is block how your feeling that needs to be acknowledged sounds like grief work as your starting to grieve the loss I know this I been through it too a few times now and lately been getting some help with a counseler the counselling is great and highly recommend for you unfortunately there's no way you can just block out those feelings and doing so will only make it rear it's ugly head later down the track. The key with this is to set aside time to grieve and then get your head together enough to do the other stuff like the custody etc don't drop the ball now but do grieve and feel those feelings. The therapist I'm working with has given me some techniques and tools how to really feel em and process these emotions we normally don't like to feel and push away I've learnt it prolongs the healing by trying to bury those important emotions. Get some counseling to keep you afloat Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) She's in for a rude shock re tinder and dating sites it's not so easy she's just high because it's like a candy store at the moment but wait till the reality of what those sites are really designed for making money for the site they're not that great and very hard to meet someone normal and decent. Edited July 31, 2020 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryan_B Posted July 31, 2020 Author Share Posted July 31, 2020 I wish I could just hate her and not care about the dating sites etc (as others have said, they might not even lead to anything more than just sending pics, videos and dirty messages anyway). I wish I didn't feel such jealousy and need for her. My family have been telling me for two years how they don't think she's good for me. We always bicker/fight. She is constantly telling me what to do, I'm the one who stays with our sick daughter every time she's taken to hospital. I work full time and get home and have to do loads of things around the house (cook, sort out the children, wash up etc) while she's been at home all day while the kids are either at grandparents or nursery. We haven't slept in bed together for about 18 months (I've been on the sofa as she used to moan at me for moving too much in bed so I decided to sleep in the living room). Nothing sexual for about two years. She pushes me away if I try to even cuddle her. She hardly speaks to me. She would just lay on the sofa on her phone constantly and I'd have to do everything for the girls (she hardly even plays with them). She's caused big family arguments with my side of the family. We haven't been out as a couple, even just for a walk or a meal since about May 2019. So why do I miss her so badly? Why am I jealous of her speaking to new people? Why do I still love her so much and in so much shock that she's gone, even though she's told me for months that she doesn't love me? She hasn't worn her wedding ring since about February. I'm scared that she will soon meet a new man and be totally happy, as that was me making her happy until she for some reason changed 18 months or so ago. She's my wife and I love her more than life. I'm Finding it hard even focussing on fighting for the girls, because of my stupid feelings towards her Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 How about you meet someone else and end up happy? I like that ending a lot better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 6 hours ago, Ryan_B said: I wish I could just hate her and not care about the dating sites etc (as others have said, they might not even lead to anything more than just sending pics, videos and dirty messages anyway). I wish I didn't feel such jealousy and need for her. My family have been telling me for two years how they don't think she's good for me. We always bicker/fight. She is constantly telling me what to do, I'm the one who stays with our sick daughter every time she's taken to hospital. I work full time and get home and have to do loads of things around the house (cook, sort out the children, wash up etc) while she's been at home all day while the kids are either at grandparents or nursery. We haven't slept in bed together for about 18 months (I've been on the sofa as she used to moan at me for moving too much in bed so I decided to sleep in the living room). Nothing sexual for about two years. She pushes me away if I try to even cuddle her. She hardly speaks to me. She would just lay on the sofa on her phone constantly and I'd have to do everything for the girls (she hardly even plays with them). She's caused big family arguments with my side of the family. We haven't been out as a couple, even just for a walk or a meal since about May 2019. So why do I miss her so badly? Why am I jealous of her speaking to new people? Why do I still love her so much and in so much shock that she's gone, even though she's told me for months that she doesn't love me? She hasn't worn her wedding ring since about February. I'm scared that she will soon meet a new man and be totally happy, as that was me making her happy until she for some reason changed 18 months or so ago. She's my wife and I love her more than life. I'm Finding it hard even focussing on fighting for the girls, because of my stupid feelings towards her Rejection breeds obsession. It's like what you can't have you want more we put em on a pedestal and all rational thinking goes out the window Link to post Share on other sites
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