explosivetomato Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) We own our home together, have been planning if on getting married but little does she know that internally I go through excruciating pain obsessing over her past. 90% of it is because she was engaged nearly a decade ago and when it ended it wasn’t her choice. The other 10% of it is jealousy about a sexual experienace and what she did (or rather wore). Even replicating this ourselves didn’t help and I obsess over this too. i think I’m mentally ill but when I go to the doctor they say I’m fine and just to “get over it.” My gf has reassured me a few times on the engagement so I don’t want to ask for more as it isn’t fair. I avoid talking about the sex thing as I don’t think she wants reminded of it. Edited September 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Member request. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Your choice is drugs or hypnotherapy. Is there something your GF does that triggers you when this topic comes up? It could be tone of her voice, facial expressions, body language.....whatever. In what physical place do you feel better and in what physical place do you feel worse? See if you can discover a trigger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted July 30, 2020 Author Share Posted July 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Your choice is drugs or hypnotherapy. Is there something your GF does that triggers you when this topic comes up? It could be tone of her voice, facial expressions, body language.....whatever. In what physical place do you feel better and in what physical place do you feel worse? See if you can discover a trigger. No she doesn’t trigger it at all really. It doesn’t even trigger if she mentions him. I usually only get the obsessive compulsion when I’m bored, alone and at my work desk. Once I’m finished work and with her it’s less of an issue. I’ll look into hypnotherapy, had considered that before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 You need to redirect your own brain. That is how you "get over it." When you start obsessing remind yourself that she's with you now, that she's over him & that she loves you. Then start making a mental or written list of all the wonderful things about your relationship. Do this each time you find yourself obsessing & eventually you will stop because you will replace the crazy thought with good happy ones. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Your obsessions are irrational and unhealthy. Maybe what you need is not a doctor, but a therapist. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Have you thought about therapy, OP? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted July 30, 2020 Author Share Posted July 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you thought about therapy, OP? Yes but in the UK where I live it’s unregulated, expensive and a bit like rolling a dice to get one of the 5% who aren’t money-grabbers. Already tried a couple for other issues and didn’t feel it helped. Hypnotherapy and a type called NLP looked promising when I researched them so I’d take a look at those first. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Have you had these obsessive thoughts from the beginning of your relationship? And do you have similar obsessive thinking in other areas of your life, or just on this issue? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, explosivetomato said: Yes but in the UK where I live it’s unregulated, expensive and a bit like rolling a dice to get one of the 5% who aren’t money-grabbers. Already tried a couple for other issues and didn’t feel it helped. I find it hard to believe that 95% of therapists in all of the UK are bad. You have to try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 Counsellors (therapists) in the UK are not unregulated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 3 hours ago, explosivetomato said: I usually only get the obsessive compulsion when I’m bored, alone and at my work desk. Once I’m finished work and with her it’s less of an issue. Go to a doctor MD it's not as difficult to get an appointment and a thorough checkup and medical treatment could help you. It's better than torturing yourself or her with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted July 30, 2020 Author Share Posted July 30, 2020 16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you had these obsessive thoughts from the beginning of your relationship? And do you have similar obsessive thinking in other areas of your life, or just on this issue? Just this really. Health scares used to do the same but not anymore. Didnt have it for the first year. Scrolling down her FB feed and seeing messages from her ex 10 years ago started it and it snowballed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I think the problem is, OP, that there probably IS no solution to this other than counseling/therapy (or possibly medication) if you are not able to "get past it" on your own. Your ideas/the suggestions above to try some things while you wait for that are probably worth doing in the meantime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 You might consider neurofeedback. It is supposed to be good with retraining old pathways in the brain and then especially coupled with talk therapy, can really get you past some ruts. Sounds to me as if you have some really persistent anxiety and you don’t need that getting in the way of your human connections and I was making decisions and living your life. Sounds to me as if you have some really persistent anxiety and you don’t need that getting in the way of your human connections and of making decisions and living your life. It also Might be helpful to think about, and even white out, past traumas including childhood traumas that might have caused you to feel a loss of control. Might be helpful to think about, and even white out, past traumas including childhood traumas that might have caused you to feel a loss of control. Many people seem to get a lot of insight And relief from attachment theory, attachment wounds, and the book “Attached.” Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 13 hours ago, explosivetomato said: Didnt have it for the first year. Scrolling down her FB feed and seeing messages from her ex 10 years ago started it and it snowballed. And what compelled you to scroll back 10 years into her FB feed? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, explosivetomato said: Didnt have it for the first year. Scrolling down her FB feed and seeing messages from her ex 10 years ago started it and it snowballed. How recent were these messages? I'd freak out too if they were recent. Hell, I don't even like seeing old exes on FB and this very thing alone has caused me to not entertain a guy who is probably the best match for me that I've seen in DECADES. He had reached out to me and made an attempt to ask me out with an unfirm plan, but once I saw that ex-gf, I didn't firm up any plans and now he's probably confused about what happened. I mean, the woman still has a pic of him and her together as her main profile pic (!!), but on his profile, it seems as if they are broken up (i.e. no recent pics of them together) and we met in a singles group. Either way, I just can't! Take the F-ing pictures down of your ex and have some balls and tell her to take them down of you too. Edited July 31, 2020 by snowcones 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) And as far as sex acts in the past goes, this might be something you should get therapy for like has been suggested by others. It kind of depends on where this insecurity is coming from though. Is it because you think you may be inadequate in bed or is it because you think she's not into you? The former a therapist could help you with, the latter, your girlfriend could help you with but she's probably not doing it right. That I don't know how to solve. Edited July 31, 2020 by snowcones Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) On 7/30/2020 at 10:47 AM, explosivetomato said: I think I’m mentally ill but when I go to the doctor they say I’m fine and just to “get over it.” Find a psychologist and ask them to refer you to a psychiatrist. It sounds like this is above your doctor's pay grade and expertise. From what I've been reading on line in the UK, there has been a huge push to address mental health issues and fund programs there. You've been given a lot of really good advice you should be following on Monday morning on this thread--if you can't help torturing yourself with thoughts about what your fiancee did long before she met you and you don't want to really investigate what is available for your mental health and you blindly accept your dismissive doctor telling you you're fine and to get over it, then the quickest remedy to your pain would be to break up with your girlfriend since her past is causing you this much anxiety... putting distance between you and your source of pain would be the best first step, IMO. Edited July 31, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 On 7/31/2020 at 9:35 AM, ExpatInItaly said: And what compelled you to scroll back 10 years into her FB feed? Curiosity really. I’d seen old photos before even ones with the ex in them and hadn’t cared. She made a throwaway joke one day about her wedding that didn’t happen And that started it for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 18 hours ago, snowcones said: How recent were these messages? I'd freak out too if they were recent. Hell, I don't even like seeing old exes on FB and this very thing alone has caused me to not entertain a guy who is probably the best match for me that I've seen in DECADES. He had reached out to me and made an attempt to ask me out with an unfirm plan, but once I saw that ex-gf, I didn't firm up any plans and now he's probably confused about what happened. I mean, the woman still has a pic of him and her together as her main profile pic (!!), but on his profile, it seems as if they are broken up (i.e. no recent pics of them together) and we met in a singles group. Either way, I just can't! Take the F-ing pictures down of your ex and have some balls and tell her to take them down of you too. They were from 2009-2011ish so not particularly recent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, kendahke said: Find a psychologist and ask them to refer you to a psychiatrist. It sounds like this is above your doctor's pay grade and expertise. From what I've been reading on line in the UK, there has been a huge push to address mental health issues and fund programs there. You've been given a lot of really good advice you should be following on Monday morning on this thread--if you can't help torturing yourself with thoughts about what your fiancee did long before she met you and you don't want to really investigate what is available for your mental health and you blindly accept your dismissive doctor telling you you're fine and to get over it, then the quickest remedy to your pain would be to break up with your girlfriend since her past is causing you this much anxiety... putting distance between you and your source of pain would be the best first step, IMO. I think breaking up with my partner because of an issue I have that I’m aware is my problem, not hers, is a terrible idea. Really, that’s quite an extreme thing for you to suggest. And I don’t blindly accept what my doctor tells me. I have been multiple times to multiple doctors, had tests done and been told the same thing by them all. Edited August 1, 2020 by explosivetomato Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 18 hours ago, snowcones said: And as far as sex acts in the past goes, this might be something you should get therapy for like has been suggested by others. It kind of depends on where this insecurity is coming from though. Is it because you think you may be inadequate in bed or is it because you think she's not into you? The former a therapist could help you with, the latter, your girlfriend could help you with but she's probably not doing it right. That I don't know how to solve. She’s definitely into me. It’s based around one thing she did once that I found hot and this got jealous about. We’ve since done it ourselves but it didn’t help the jealousy for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 29 minutes ago, explosivetomato said: And I don’t blindly accept what my doctor tells me. I have been multiple times to multiple doctors, had tests done and been told the same thing by them all. You don't need to get into specifics, but sort of tests have these doctors done? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 Do you think it would help you if your SO would make a big show out of getting rid of any memorabilia she has from that time of her life? If she sat you down and purged her facebook feed of anything that related to this past relationship, would that help you cope? Old snapshot of them together? Feed it to the fire. Trinkets that he gave her? Heave ho and into the river they go. T-shirt that he bought her at the concert? Give it to Goodwill. If you think something like that might help then unless you can telepathically plant that in her mind, you will have to use words and see if she wants to help you out. It would be so much more effective if she realized it herself but I don't think you can count on that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 54 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Do you think it would help you if your SO would make a big show out of getting rid of any memorabilia she has from that time of her life? If she sat you down and purged her facebook feed of anything that related to this past relationship, would that help you cope? Old snapshot of them together? Feed it to the fire. Trinkets that he gave her? Heave ho and into the river they go. T-shirt that he bought her at the concert? Give it to Goodwill. If you think something like that might help then unless you can telepathically plant that in her mind, you will have to use words and see if she wants to help you out. It would be so much more effective if she realized it herself but I don't think you can count on that. Some people love their memorabilia, it is mementos of their life after all. and throwing them all out to "solve" his retroactive jealousy may not go down well or she may just refuse. I wouldn't do it, no way. Erase MY life... for what exactly? I doubt it would help anyway as she still lived that life. She still did it, she still felt it. He needs to sort this out in HIS mind and that needs professional help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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