I have a problem with irrational jealousy

[explosivetomato]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Do you think it would help you if your SO would make a big show out of getting rid of any memorabilia she has from that time of her life?

If she sat you down and purged her facebook feed of anything that related to this past relationship, would that help you cope? Old snapshot of them together? Feed it to the fire. Trinkets that he gave her? Heave ho and into the river they go. T-shirt that he bought her at the concert? Give it to Goodwill.

If you think something like that might help then unless you can telepathically plant that in her mind, you will have to use words and see if she wants to help you out. It would be so much more effective if she realized it herself but I don't think you can count on that.

 

 

 

She doesn’t have any mementos from then that I’m aware of. There are no snapshots on her FB either. She’s long removed them all (did this before I had a problem).

The only photos are group photos on other people’s feeds. There are a few comments from him on her wall too, nothing major though and none since the breakup.

 

[explosivetomato]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She still did it, she still felt it.

Way to rub it in!

She has no mementos at all of him that I’m aware of. As we live together and moved house together I’d have seen them if they were there.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, explosivetomato said:

Way to rub it in!

She has no mementos at all of him that I’m aware of. As we live together and moved house together I’d have seen them if they were there.

I don't think that was the intention, OP. 

I think Elaine was trying to point out that getting rid of memorabilia is not a sufficiently effective strategy in dealing with this. 

[snowcones]

4 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

She’s definitely into me. It’s based around one thing she did once that I found hot and this got jealous about.

We’ve since done it ourselves but it didn’t help the jealousy for me.

This is a thing for some men.  I have no idea how to solve it.  Probably therapy.

[snowcones]

4 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

They were from 2009-2011ish so not particularly recent.

Is it the sexual thing that you think about when you read these old comments?  What are you feeling when you read them?

[schlumpy]

Is a situation from a past relationship (your past) influencing your thoughts about the current one? 

[explosivetomato]

44 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Is it the sexual thing that you think about when you read these old comments?  What are you feeling when you read them?

No. The sexual thing wasn’t with here’s fiancé it was with a casual fling, not the ex fiancé I feel bad about, so nothing on the comments. The sexual thing is a tiny part of my jealousy, I can live with it.

I need to point out that I read the FB comments about a year ago. Its not something I still do so can’t really answer your question.

In general I just feel that as she was engaged before, as at the time she didn’t choose to end it, that I’ll always on some level be a second choice. This doesn’t make sense to some people as she didn’t know me then, but it’s how my brain works.

I also feel that if we get engaged society will by default view it as lesser than her first one - that her ex will always be considered the “real” one. I know she won’t see it that way, but I’m worried others will and it will stress me out and bring out a lot of hurt and anxiety.

We actually discussed this last night (she actually has a tiny touch of insecurity herself about my ex, nothing as bad as me though). She said her family etc all know that this is a much bigger deal than the past, that she was young and didn’t know what she wanted etc etc. I do believe her but still these feelings remain.

[explosivetomato]

50 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Is a situation from a past relationship (your past) influencing your thoughts about the current one? 

I don’t think so. My last ex used to think she was second place behind the previous ex (I won’t go into it but if you knew how those relationships panned out that would seem beyond ridiculous), but that’s the only hint of this I’ve seen in life before, and it wasn’t from me.

[BaileyB]

OP, have you tried CBT? I wonder if the best way to change these thoughts is actually to challenge them - like you did last night when you had the discussion with your girlfriend and she gave you several reasons why your relationship is different and more serious than her previous relationship. This way, you will have the “counter argument” ready, such that if you have the self discipline to stop these thoughts and challenge them when they occur, you will eventually be able to let them go...

The thing is, our thoughts really do create our reality. If you allow these thoughts to take over when they come to your consciousness, you are going to live in a state of insecurity and anxiety. YOU chose this for yourself when these thoughts come to mind (when you are bored) and you allow yourself to go down the worry spiral... It’s putting your relationship and your mental health at risk. 

But what if you chose to realize that a thought is just that - a fleeting moment in time that you can either chose to attend to and give importance or let it pass as most thoughts do... By attending to these thoughts and giving them importance, you have created patterns and habits - your thoughts keep looping in a very repetitive and predictable way because you are reinforcing them by giving them attention and meaning. But what if, you were to challenge them and then let them go... how would that affect the quality of your mental health, and your relationship?

Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Atwood]

I second CBT. 

I am in the UK and sought therapy successfully. I recommend Healthy Minds very highly, you can self-refer on their website. You do have to wait for a long time, but if you didn't refer yourself you'd be sitting with the same issues anyway, so you may as well deal with them knowing help is on the way. Be specific with your issues. Explain that you're experiencing unpleasant, obsessive thoughts and that you would like to see a CBT practitioner (if you decide you want to, of course). 

I started my appointments utterly convinced there was nothing they'd be able to do for me, and I was wrong. The worst that can happen is they don't help, so it's worth a shot imo. I'm much happier now than I was before, and I had very serious problems with insecurity and jealousy in my long-term/committed relationship, so I absolutely hear you on this. It's extremely distressing to have feelings like this. Please consider therapy and let us know how you get on. I wish you the best. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

I also feel that if we get engaged society will by default view it as lesser than her first one - that her ex will always be considered the “real” one.

Are you from different cultures/religions? What makes you think your society will view you as second best? Is virginity or something like that an issue in your culture?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the underlying problem is your own general feelings of inadequacy, OP. 

That's the sense I'm getting reading about your worries, that you don't feel good about yourself and consequently you don't feel good enough for her.  You're also over-estimating your relevance to other people, in that I doubt many people would even give it a second thought that was she was engaged many years ago. In other words, other people don't think about us nearly as much as we fear they do. 

You're your own worst enemy, which I think you realize - but why do you suppose that is?

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you from different cultures/religions? What makes you think your society will view you as second best? Is virginity or something like that an issue in your culture?

I get it.
Many single women do not want to date divorced men for roughly the same reason.
They don't want to be standing at their wedding, with all his relatives saying or thinking, " I wonder how long this one will last? Didn't we already give him a wedding present for last time and here we are again..."
"She is the spitting image of the first one... Susie was such a lovely girl..." and other such comments and thoughts.
if he has had children before, then getting pregnant can all seem rather lack lustre, not new and shiny like it should be - "He has been here before, will my kids be second best to his first born?"
Some will register their potential discomfort  and insecurity and refuse to put themselves in that position and refuse to date divorced men.
 BUT of course many others will just tough it out and not give a damn...

[explosivetomato]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you from different cultures/religions? What makes you think your society will view you as second best? Is virginity or something like that an issue in your culture?

No but society tends to prize and romanticise “young” love so now that 10 years have passed I think people will view it as lesser.

Also remember that she didn’t end it herself, so a lot of people may think I’m just a backup or whatever.

[explosivetomato]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I get it.
Many single women do not want to date divorced men for roughly the same reason.
They don't want to be standing at their wedding, with all his relatives saying or thinking, " I wonder how long this one will last? Didn't we already give him a wedding present for last time and here we are again..."
"She is the spitting image of the first one... Susie was such a lovely girl..." and other such comments and thoughts.
if he has had children before, then getting pregnant can all seem rather lack lustre, not new and shiny like it should be - "He has been here before, will my kids be second best to his first born?"
Some will register their potential discomfort  and insecurity and refuse to put themselves in that position and refuse to date divorced men.
 BUT of course many others will just tough it out and not give a damn...

Yeah this exact thing is a huge part of the problem. I fear her ex will be a sort of elephant in the room right through our engagement, even though I doubt she herself will give him much, if any thought.

Add to it the “new and shiny” issue. What will be new and exciting for me won’t be for her and I’ll feel under immense pressure to compete with the ex.

Edited August 1, 2020 by explosivetomato

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

No but society tends to prize and romanticise “young” love so now that 10 years have passed I think people will view it as lesser.

Do they really?

Most folks I know see young love as training wheels, puppy-love sort of stuff. Not really the stuff lifelong romances are built on. Perhaps a couple generations ago people held young love in higher esteem but I genuinely don't see that sort of perception among my peers (I'm nearly 40)

[explosivetomato]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do they really?

Most folks I know see young love as training wheels, puppy-love sort of stuff. Not really the stuff lifelong romances are built on. Perhaps a couple generations ago people held young love in higher esteem but I genuinely don't see that sort of perception among my peers (I'm nearly 40)

I appreciate that logically you’re right. Chances are that her family, friends etc will know she’s older and knows what she wants and so this is more “real.”

At least a couple of people won’t think that though, maybe a few aren’t certain and that worries me

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

No but society tends to prize and romanticise “young” love so now that 10 years have passed I think people will view it as lesser.

Also remember that she didn’t end it herself, so a lot of people may think I’m just a backup or whatever.

Dude, the older you get and the more life experiences you have you begin to understand a few basic truths. 

One, people don’t generally notice or care about your life nearly as much as you think they do. Why is that? Because they are simply too preoccupied with their own lives. Nobody is going to remember or care that she was previously engaged to another man, or that she didn’t break off the relationship... if they do, it will be with sympathy because that is a terrible thing for her to have to experience. It will also be with great happiness - that she has now found a man who loves her and wants to share a future/family with her. Joy!

Two, the opinion of others does not matter nearly as much as you think it does. Sure, we live in a culture that values “youth” but your thinking goes way off course after that. “Young” love is often idealized and remembered as something wonderful only because it is a first experience. But, “young love” is often little more than two inexperienced individuals who have no idea of life or love coming together in a relationship. That relationship fails, as many often due, and both individuals carry on with a knowledge of what they want/don’t want in a future relationship/partner. If anything, later relationships tend to be healthier and more successful BECAUSE of these very experiences. 

And finally, if you are feeling insecure or inadequate - there is nothing anyone can do to change that for you (except, hopefully a counsellor if you find a good one). It’s not your girlfriends job to ease your anxiety, to reassure you when you are feeling jealous or insecure, or to make you feel loved and secure in your relationship... that’s your job. And, not finding a way to deal with our own problems and allowing your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to affect your relationship is the way to ensure that this relationship will fail... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday... because people will only be willing to put up with this for so long.

Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

Just now, explosivetomato said:

At least a couple of people won’t think that though, maybe a few aren’t certain and that worries me

Who's is telling you that because her past relationship didn't pan out that you are somehow  second best? Do your friends or family tell you toxic things about her? It's weird because  divorce is accepted in many cultures but you and your people think backing out of an engagement makes you second best or your relationship inferior?

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who's is telling you that because her past relationship didn't pan out that you are somehow second best?

I would also like to know, because I wouldn’t be surprised if the only person who is telling him this is himself. 

OP, you are FAR too concerned about what other people think... I remember the first time I met one of my best friends boyfriend/future husband. I gave her a list of my opinions - pros and cons about the guy - and she said, “thank you very much, but I didn’t ask for your opinion... the only thing I want from you as my friend is your support.” In other words, she had decided that he was the one, my opinion didn’t matter at that point, she just wanted my love and support as she began this new relationship...”

Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 7/30/2020 at 10:47 AM, explosivetomato said:

i think I’m mentally ill but when I go to the doctor they say I’m fine

Perhaps it's time to be reevaluated and get a second opinion. This level of torturing yourself with paranoia and obsessions doesn't seem healthy or making your life happy.

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

Yeah this exact thing is a huge part of the problem. I fear her ex will be a sort of elephant in the room right through our engagement, even though I doubt she herself will give him much, if any thought.

If she’s not given him much thought, why do you? He will only be “the elephant in the room” if you make him so. It’s entirely your decision. You can either chose to sabotage your relationship, or not. Question - what are you so afraid of...

Answer -

Quote

What will be new and exciting for me won’t be for her and I’ll feel under immense pressure to compete with the ex.

The relationship may not be new and exciting for her, and she may decide it’s not what she wants. You will feel inadequate (certainly as it relates to what you think of her ex), and it will reinforce everything you have been worried about/feared all along. 

But what if, she decides that you offer something her ex could never offer her - love, devotion, loyalty, a commitment, a family, a future, happiness and joy? Speaking as a woman, that’s pretty exciting whether it is your first relationship or your fifth. I would say - you have more than he could ever offer... but, you don’t believe it. 

Worst case scenario, what would happen if your relationship did fail at some point. What would that mean for you? 

Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

Really, that’s quite an extreme thing for you to suggest.

 No it isn't. What's extreme is to scroll back 10 years of someone's life--invading their privacy to which they have a right to have had a life before they met you---and mining for evidence to hold against her for having had said life. That is patently unfair and mean of you to do that.

Eventually, if you don't seek treatment and instead, keep coming up with excuses as to why you won't see a professional to get a grip on this, your mouth and your actions are going to ruin a good thing.

As far as the doctors you say you went to see, then you have to keep looking til you find someone who won't tell you you're fine--because your behavior is not fine, it's not cool and it needs addressing, since you can't seem to stay out of her past that she's clearly over and done with.

[snowcones]

8 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

In general I just feel that as she was engaged before, as at the time she didn’t choose to end it, that I’ll always on some level be a second choice. This doesn’t make sense to some people as she didn’t know me then, but it’s how my brain works.

So what if she was the one who broke it off? Then you would feel insecure that she might break it off with you, so you can't win, you see?  You really have no choice but to just put this out of your mind.

Quote

I also feel that if we get engaged society will by default view it as lesser than her first one - that her ex will always be considered the “real” one. I know she won’t see it that way, but I’m worried others will and it will stress me out and bring out a lot of hurt and anxiety.

No they won't feel that way.  People don't care about you and think about you as much as you think they do.  I don't say that as a dig, I say it because it's the truth and you should use it to set yourself free.

Edited August 2, 2020 by snowcones

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, kendahke said:

 No it isn't. What's extreme is to scroll back 10 years of someone's life--invading their privacy to which they have a right to have had a life before they met you---and mining for evidence to hold against her for having had said life. That is patently unfair and mean of you to do that.

This is very true. 
 

Quote

As far as the doctors you say you went to see, then you have to keep looking til you find someone who won't tell you you're fine--because your behavior is not fine, it's not cool and it needs addressing, since you can't seem to stay out of her past that she's clearly over and done with.

I think the issue here is that he does not have a diagnosable mental illness - not depression, or anxiety, or OCD, or schizophrenia - but he most certainly has developed some very unhealthy thought processes that are causing difficulty in his relationships/life. What he needs is not a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, but a counsellor. The medical doctors are going to say - “get out of my office, there is nothing wrong with you, I’m not going to prescribe medication. The counsellor will say - “There is a lot that we can talk about... where should we start...” These issues are not healed with a diagnosis and medication, they are healed by talk therapy and coaching to help him to break these obsessive thinking patterns, develop better coping skills, and a healthier self esteem. 

Edited August 2, 2020 by BaileyB