I have a problem with irrational jealousy

[explosivetomato]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Dude, the older you get and the more life experiences you have you begin to understand a few basic truths. 

One, people don’t generally notice or care about your life nearly as much as you think they do. Why is that? Because they are simply too preoccupied with their own lives. Nobody is going to remember or care that she was previously engaged to another man, or that she didn’t break off the relationship... if they do, it will be with sympathy because that is a terrible thing for her to have to experience. It will also be with great happiness - that she has now found a man who loves her and wants to share a future/family with her. Joy!

Two, the opinion of others does not matter nearly as much as you think it does. Sure, we live in a culture that values “youth” but your thinking goes way off course after that. “Young” love is often idealized and remembered as something wonderful only because it is a first experience. But, “young love” is often little more than two inexperienced individuals who have no idea of life or love coming together in a relationship. That relationship fails, as many often due, and both individuals carry on with a knowledge of what they want/don’t want in a future relationship/partner. If anything, later relationships tend to be healthier and more successful BECAUSE of these very experiences. 

And finally, if you are feeling insecure or inadequate - there is nothing anyone can do to change that for you (except, hopefully a counsellor if you find a good one). It’s not your girlfriends job to ease your anxiety, to reassure you when you are feeling jealous or insecure, or to make you feel loved and secure in your relationship... that’s your job. And, not finding a way to deal with our own problems and allowing your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to affect your relationship is the way to ensure that this relationship will fail... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday... because people will only be willing to put up with this for so long.

It’s not really inadequacy. When it comes to it I genuinely believes she loves me far more than she ever loved him. If she doesn’t then she’s the best liar I’ve ever met. I’m just uneasy that it happened, full stop and I wish I wasn’t like that. Ultimately all her past relationships made her the girl I fell in love with so I shouldn’t resent her for them (and I don’t work the others - it’s only the one that involved the engagement I don’t like.

She’s very devoted to me and all-in on things, so this isn’t really affecting our relationship at all from her point of view. I don’t really bring it up.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

It’s not really inadequacy. When it comes to it I genuinely believes she loves me far more than she ever loved him. I’m just uneasy that it happened, full stop and I wish I wasn’t like that. Ultimately all her past relationships made her the girl I fell in love with so I shouldn’t resent her for them.

No, you shouldn’t resent her. She is entitled to a life prior to the start of your relationship.

If you genuinely believe that she loves you far more than she ever loved him - why are sabotaging this relationship? Because, she may not know what you are thinking, but she will surely feel it. The title of your thread says you are “slowly going insane...” and you have sought medical assessments... It is foolish to think that this will not affect the long term health of your relationship. 

Edited August 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[explosivetomato]

57 minutes ago, kendahke said:

 No it isn't. What's extreme is to scroll back 10 years of someone's life--invading their privacy to which they have a right to have had a life before they met you---and mining for evidence to hold against her for having had said life. That is patently unfair and mean of you to do that.

Eventually, if you don't seek treatment and instead, keep coming up with excuses as to why you won't see a professional to get a grip on this, your mouth and your actions are going to ruin a good thing.

As far as the doctors you say you went to see, then you have to keep looking til you find someone who won't tell you you're fine--because your behavior is not fine, it's not cool and it needs addressing, since you can't seem to stay out of her past that she's clearly over and done with.

Umm...it was her public FB page, Theo be she shares with her FB friends (such as ms), so no privacy was invaded. In the early days she had the same problem so looked up my ex, so it’s not as if I’m some sort of big bad in all this.

You are aware I looked about.a year ago and haven’t since? I have been staying out of her past - I don’t snoop through her things.

Also don’t grasp why you think I’m refusing help? I’ve replied to others about therapy and said I’d be interested in trying certain types.

As I’ve said. Looking objectively and rationally I don’t really believe she loved her ex fiancé more than she loves me. When I can cope with that however I become uneasy that she got engaged to someone else at all. There’s the issue with what others think (I know that isn’t her fault) plus a general downer about it feeling devalued / lesser if we get engaged.

As Elaine pointed out - a lot of people don’t date divorcees because of these fears so it’s not as if it’s way out of left field.

[explosivetomato]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, you shouldn’t resent her. She is entitled to a life prior to the start of your relationship.

If you genuinely believe that she loves you far more than she ever loved him - why are sabotaging this relationship? Because, she may not know what you are thinking, but she will surely feel it. The title of your thread says you are “slowly going insane...” and you have sought medical attention, believing that you have a mental illness even though the doctors disagree... It is foolish to think that this will not affect the long term health of your relationship. 

As I said...when I can get it into my head that she truly does love me more than she loved him, the issue still stands that she got engaged to someone else at all. I wish it didn’t bother me, I know it shouldn’t, but somehow internally it does. I try so hard to not care, but I just feel that on some level, however small, it dilutes things just a little if we get engaged ourselves.

That last sentence sounds silly, draconian, maybe. In my head I don’t believe it, but in my heart I feel it and I can’t help that.

It’s not as if it’s an unusual situation - plenty of people ball at dating divorcees for the same reason, as has been mentioned in this thread.

Edited August 2, 2020 by explosivetomato

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

As I’ve said. Looking objectively and rationally I don’t really believe she loved her ex fiancé more than she loves me. When I can cope with that however I become uneasy that she got engaged to someone else at all. There’s the issue with what others think (I know that isn’t her fault) plus a general downer about it feeling devalued / lesser if we get engaged.

As Elaine pointed out - a lot of people don’t date divorcees because of these fears so it’s not as if it’s way out of left field.

Except, she is not a divorcee, so it is way out of left field.

Respectfully, either you love your own life and be happy or you love your life for other people and worry about what they think. My opinion was stated above, if she was my friend I would be thrilled that she found someone who she loves more than her ex, and wish you every happiness together. Boy, she dodged a bullet with the first guy! Better he left before the wedding, not after they had two kids and a mortgage. That’s what I would be thinking, but maybe your family and friends are more spiteful...

Your life will be what you make of it. It sounds like you’ve got something good here, don’t screw it up! 

Edited August 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

As I said...when I can get it into my head that she truly does love me more than she loved him, the issue still stands that she got engaged to someone else at all. I wish it didn’t bother me, I know it shouldn’t, but somehow internally it does. I try so hard to not care, but I just feel that on some level, however small, it dilutes things just a little if we get engaged ourselves.

What would she have to do to make you feel otherwise? With the knowledge that she can’t go back and erase history, she can only move forward... is there anything she could do that would provide the reassurance you need to feel excited about this engagement, and move forward into your life together with joy and happiness? 

Edited August 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[explosivetomato]

Just now, BaileyB said:

What would she have to do to make you feel otherwise? She can’t go back and erase history, she can only move forward. Is there anything she could do that would provide the reassurance you need to feel excited about this engagement, and move forward into your life together with joy and happiness? 

I don’t think so, not for the engagement stage. I hate myself for feeling it’s tainted and it’s so frustrating. As I mentioned, my rational head knows it’s not, my emotional heart says it is. It’s a frustrating internal conflict.

If we made it to marriage and I was thus “past” the ex then maybe it would go away, but what if it doesn’t? I can’t live like this forever.

it does feel like my brain has got caught in a loop on this, almost like my internal thought processes are faulty. It really feels like that, like some sort of error in my way of processing this. Bear in mind I knew she was engaged and dunked from a few dates in, and did not care at all for over a year. Why should I? Im well onto my 30s so a broken engagement 8 years in yeh last is probably as little baggage as I could hope for in a partner.

So, I think CBT or a variant should be the next step.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Right now, yeah, you are competing with the ex. If you one day marry this girl though, and your relationship actually does well, there is no more competition. He will just be some small part of her past and you're the guy she spends the rest of her life with. 

Bingo! Which guy would you rather be OP?

[explosivetomato]

4 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Right now, yeah, you are competing with the ex. If you one day marry this girl though, and your relationship actually does well, there is no more competition. He will just be some small part of her past and you're the guy she spends the rest of her life with. 

Buddy, you really need to worry a lot less about what a couple random people think about you and your life. 

Why am I competing with him in your opinion? She maintains there’s no competition on any level as I’ve already outdone him. Is she just making that up?

[explosivetomato]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Bingo! Which guy would you rather be OP?

To be honest quite just makes me uneasy. She says there is no competition as I’m way ahead of him already, yet this suggests she’s not being truthful. If I’m still competing with the ex then she’s not over him fully and I don’t feel that’s the case.

Obviously I’d rather be the one that married her.

[BaileyB]

Just now, explosivetomato said:

Why am I competing with him in your opinion? She maintains there’s no competition on any level as I’ve already outdone him. Is she just making that up?

I think he means, quite literally, because you have both been engaged to the woman. Ie. It’s the same life stage. But, you will be the winner here - you are the man with whom she will spend the rest of her life, have children, grow old together... 

[BaileyB]

Just now, explosivetomato said:

To be honest quite just makes me uneasy. She says there is no competition as I’m way ahead of him already, yet this suggests she’s not being truthful. If I’m still competing with the ex then she’s not over him fully and I don’t feel that’s the case.

Obviously I’d rather be the one that married her.

No, it does not suggest that she is not being truthful. Your brain is twisting this comment to fit your own narrative. You have taken an innocent comment, and made it a competition where - you come out the loser. Just like you’ve taken the past engagement and made that a competition, such that you are “the loser” - the “guy she settle for when she couldn’t have the guy she really wanted...” Stop doing this! 

[explosivetomato]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think he means, quite literally, because you have both been engaged to the woman. Ie. It’s the same life stage. But, you will be the winner here - you are the man with whom she will spend the rest of her life, have children, grow old together... 

Ok so the problem here (don’t know if I’ve been clear on this) is we’re not engaged yet. I know 100% she’ll say yes and we talk about it a lot but as we just bought an apartment together I need to save up for a ring. Had COVID not happened we’d be engaged by now but that’s life.

So going by your approach there I’m still behind him, not even at the same life stage. This is why it’s hard!

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

Ok so the problem here (don’t know if I’ve been clear on this) is we’re not engaged yet. I know 100% she’ll say yes and we talk about it a lot but as we just bought an apartment together I need to save up for a ring. Had COVID not happened we’d be engaged by now but that’s life.

So going by your approach there I’m still behind him, not even at the same life stage. This is why it’s hard!

It’s not a race. It’s not a competition. 

Maybe  this is your problem, you take things too literally. (I’m pretty much joking, but not really... because these comments were meant to be supportive and encouraging and you’ve turned them into a reason to worry and doubt yourself... do you see what I’m saying). 

Honestly explosivetomato, you seem like a really nice guy. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t doubt your relationship. She had the wrong guy before, and thankfully he revealed himself and made a different decision before they got married. She may not have known he was the wrong guy then (before he broke it off), but you better believe she knows it now. She now has a guy who loves her and wants to create a lifetime of happiness with her. You better believe you are the better guy - and she knows it.you don’t believe me - ask her. 

Life doesn’t always work out the way we think it should work out, sometimes it works out better. 

One of my favourite quotes - “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams...” Henry David Thoreau.

Edited August 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[healing light]

Have not read through all the replies, but on an unconventional note, I've found that EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)/Tapping works wonders for emotional stuff. And you can learn it for free on YouTube. It's been used for veterans with PTSD, even. Just something to think about if you can't get access to therapy right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

At least a couple of people won’t think that though, maybe a few aren’t certain and that worries me

Which people? 

 

[explosivetomato]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Which people? 

 

I don’t know, just the law of averages really. None of her close family I wouldn’t think.

The older generation on one side of her family are quite Catholic so won’t recognise a second marriage as valid. Not sure how they view second engagements.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, explosivetomato said:

I don’t know, just the law of averages really. None of her close family I wouldn’t think.

The older generation on one side of her family are quite Catholic so won’t recognise a second marriage as valid. Not sure how they view second engagements.

 

 

Her family is fine with it. You seem to be the one suffering from the obsessions .

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

I don’t know, just the law of averages really. None of her close family I wouldn’t think.

The older generation on one side of her family are quite Catholic so won’t recognise a second marriage as valid. Not sure how they view second engagements.

So, in other words, nobody has actually expressed any displeasure over this to you. 

I would strongly urge you to look into CBT or other some other form of counselling, as you've previously mentioned. These sorts of obsessive thoughts are interfering in your ability to have a healthy, relaxed relationship because you're so consumed by a fixation of your own making. We can tell you what you "should" be thinking but it's of course not enough to really get at the route of this problem and explore viable solutions. I think you are quite correct that even if you two do wind up engaged and married, your anxiety will latch on some other nebulous worry and grow out of proportion, as this one is doing. That's why I believe some form of counselling from a trained, experience professional is going to help you a lot in the long run. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Get to a doctor MD first. This type of issue needs a full evaluation. The type of supportive therapy and/or medical therapy should be determined by a professional who evaluates you in person, not random internet people.

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What would she have to do to make you feel otherwise?

spin the earth backwards 10 years to the moment before she met her fiance and choose to not meet him.

[kendahke]

16 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

She says there is no competition as I’m way ahead of him already, yet this suggests she’s not being truthful.

So you believe she's a liar? If she's a liar, why are you with a liar?

[PassThis]

explosivetomato,

You were not, and are not now, in competition with her ex. He is only in her past, when you were not in her life. He is not in her present or future. You ARE.

I suggest that you keep your mind in the present and focus on the now and future with her. Does she show you that she only wants to be with you for now and forever? If so, you have no problem at all to worry about.

Everyone has a past, but her ex is now "only someone that she used to know."

My wife and I both have previous marriages. The fact that her ex abandoned her (same happened to me) actually makes me the winner, in all aspects, by default versus him. Since we met, we have always been each other's Number 1. (BTW, I got a 4-year old daughter as an added bonus, too.) So, I have been in the same situation, and can empathize with you.

Please put your disrupting thoughts behind you (same place as thoughts of him are in her mind). Move forward with your wonderful loving relationship, and don't let anything get in your way along your path to happiness.

You might consider telling her that you are sorry that she was hurt by  her ex but that, selfishly, you are happy that she was available when you showed up in her life. Hold her closely and tell her that you love her dearly and will never let her go. I'll believe that her response (the best therapy) will be more than enough for you to stop worrying. If you do this, please let us know how it went.

Sending you much encouragement.

[schlumpy]

This is something I think you can fix. Forget the navel gazing and deep thinking on how this reflects on your character and your relationship. Plenty of time for that later.

Get evaluated and work at the program. It will be all right.

[explosivetomato]

26 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

This is something I think you can fix. Forget the navel gazing and deep thinking on how this reflects on your character and your relationship. Plenty of time for that later.

Get evaluated and work at the program. It will be all right.

Thanks a lot. I’ll do that and hopefully shake off the demons. Most people on here have been helpful but I’ve got Kendhake trying to goad me into splitting up with my gf so I’m going to bow out here, but I appreciate all the helpful replies!