I have a problem with irrational jealousy

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

What stories am I making up in my head exactly?

Well, everything you presume everyone else thinks and feels about your potential engagement, for starters...

[mark clemson]

I think you need to face some truths here. This may come across as a bit harsh, but my intent is to help you avoid going into a marriage while carrying with you internal issues that are likely to damage it.

42 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

Hopefully I can, disagree that this kind of thing can’t be fixed alone.

Perhaps, but there's a saying in the law industry that someone who tries to be their own lawyer has a fool for a client. Possibly that's very often true in psych as well.

 

42 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

Very few people go to “qualified” therapists

That statement is patently false.

 

42 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

and I don’t trust them anyway.

I'd guess that's true and probably why you believe inaccurately that many people don't use them. It IS true that not all of them are that good, a few are pretty much weirdos, and that different one's have different styles/approaches and that not all of them work for all people.

Trying to "do CBT" on yourself might work, but it also sounds like a potential recipe for disaster. People can change their own mindsets, etc, but it sounds like what you have borders on OCD (you mention obsessive thoughts and trouble sleeping).

You wouldn't try to do surgery on yourself to remove a bullet if a doctor were available, right? My advice would be to be humble, admit this is probably outside your paygrade, and go get some help, rather than attempting to fix things yourself.

[explosivetomato]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I think you need to face some truths here. This may come across as a bit harsh, but my intent is to help you avoid going into a marriage while carrying with you internal issues that are likely to damage it.

Perhaps, but there's a saying in the law industry that someone who tries to be their own lawyer has a fool for a client. Possibly that's very often true in psych as well.

 

That statement is patently false.

 

I'd guess that's true and probably why you believe inaccurately that many people don't use them. It IS true that not all of them are that good, a few are pretty much weirdos, and that different one's have different styles/approaches and that not all of them work for all people.

Trying to "do CBT" on yourself might work, but it also sounds like a potential recipe for disaster. People can change their own mindsets, etc, but it sounds like what you have borders on OCD (you mention obsessive thoughts and trouble sleeping).

You wouldn't try to do surgery on yourself to remove a bullet if a doctor were available, right? My advice would be to be humble, admit this is probably outside your paygrade, and go get some help, rather than attempting to fix things yourself.

I appreciate that. However, ultimately this has gone from a 24/7 problem to something that flares up now and then. When I said I was getting better I was told firmly by other posters (who don’t know me) that I am not, that it is impossible and that I never will get better. This is unfair and untrue.

I appreciate that the correct therapist theoretically could help, however I went to therapy before, once in my early 20s and again a few years ago. It was a waste of time on both occasions and only served to line the pockets of the therapist. Most other people I know who have attended therapy have the same view.

[explosivetomato]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, everything you presume everyone else thinks and feels about your potential engagement, for starters...

Did you not read the part where I said that this is no longer 24/7 for me? It’s down to occasional flare ups when I’m triggered.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

I appreciate that. However, ultimately this has gone from a 24/7 problem to something that flares up now and then. When I said I was getting better I was told firmly by other posters (who don’t know me) that I am not, that it is impossible and that I never will get better. This is unfair and untrue.

Fair enough. Consider though, that IF what you have is in part caused by a chemical imbalance, the flare up and die down might be due to fluctuations in your brain chemistry and not due to your proactive actions. A qualified therapist might be able to diagnose you, and possibly recommend/refer you to someone who could confirm a diagnosis and prescribe meds (IF that were needed). I'm not saying what you have is due to a chem imbalance, might be, might not be. But if meds could be an effective partial solution, well, that's not something you'd be able to get on your own.

Don't get me wrong, I respect that you are being proactive. And it's too bad that you ended up with some of the flakier and/or less effective counselors (they are certainly out there). But trying to go it alone is often not a good substitute for a pro.

[BUzz86]

Well, if you are thinking a lot about things that you may have considered them as "trivial" then you might ask your partner and tell her exactly how you feel and what makes you compulsive.

Such behaviors might not be a problem for your relationship until when you are in a bad mood and especially when you're tired.

 

Question is whether you are being compulsive only about your actual partner's past or about the other things as well?

Anyway, being compulsive about the past won't make anything better or worse. Live in the moment. You are missing the joy of living in the  moment by thinking about things that are quite dead and non-existence.

 

That's better to consult a therapist and talking about your OCD.

 

Quote

The other 10% of it is jealousy about a sexual experienace

Also talk with her about this problem as well, I think being open and talking about your actual problem might help.(I'm not saying go and tell her the quote above lol, no, just in case the next time you're being obsessed about her, go and talk with her directly about how you feel and get her exact opinion about you to ensure that your thoughts are true or wrong and then you can make a decision.

Edited September 4, 2020 by BUzz86

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

Did you not read the part where I said that this is no longer 24/7 for me? It’s down to occasional flare ups when I’m triggered.

Yes, I read it. 

You asked what stories you were making up in your mind. So I answered you. 

 

 

[explosivetomato]

32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I read it. 

You asked what stories you were making up in your mind. So I answered you. 

 

 

No need for the snide, goading answers though. I mentioned I felt I was getting better and it was occupying less headspace.

Yourself and some, not all posters responded with sneering and claims that I could not possibly be getting better, that I was incapable of it. I’d expect that kind of nasty approach on Reddit or Quora but not here.

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

I went to therapy before, once in my early 20s and again a few years ago.

Why did you go then?
What was the problem?

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

No need for the snide, goading answers though. I mentioned I felt I was getting better and it was occupying less headspace.

Yourself and some, not all posters responded with sneering and claims that I could not possibly be getting better, that I was incapable of it. I’d expect that kind of nasty approach on Reddit or Quora but not here.

Any chance you're a little too touchy, though?

 

[explosivetomato]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Why did you go then?
What was the problem?

First time after parent died and I couldn’t concentrate on studies. Second time just after end of last relationship to dissect what went wrong.

[explosivetomato]

45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Any chance you're a little too touchy, though?

 

Not really no. No idea what makes for think it’s ok to insult or sneer at people on a forum like this. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, explosivetomato said:

First time after parent died and I couldn’t concentrate on studies. Second time just after end of last relationship to dissect what went wrong.

I think a lot of therapy is about giving a person someone to talk to and to give them coping strategies and to offer them perspective, as opposed to some marvellous and quick "cure".
No therapist no matter how good can take away the pain of a bereavement or a break up.
I am reminded of a physical therapist who told me her patients often remark that their injury "Just got better by itself..." 
and she thinks, "Excuse me, what about the weeks of physical therapy..."

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, explosivetomato said:

Not really no. No idea what makes for think it’s ok to insult or sneer at people on a forum like this. 

I didn't insult you or sneer at you. 

You're feeling very defensive, I realize, but people here (myself included) have offered you 6 pages of advice. We have answered your questions. Getting your back up is merely distracting from the reason you opened this thread to begin with. Depends on how you want to spend your time interacting with posters here, but it might be worthwhile to take a deep breath and truly hear what we're all trying to tell you. 

 

[smackie9]

OCD/Stress/Anxiety is not curable, but it can be maintained. You can do this on your own without a therapist, just make sure you are healthy/no underlying medical conditions.

Eliminate things such as smoking, alcohol and caffeine

There is a whole list of foods that can help such as bananas, almonds, yogurt, dark chocolate, foods containing omega 3 fatty-acids (salmon)

Meditation, breathing exercises helps if you make it a daily routine

Herbal remedies such as St. John's Wort, turmeric, chamomile, green tea are recommended

Regular exercise

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I didn't insult you or sneer at you. 

You're feeling very defensive, I realize, but people here (myself included) have offered you 6 pages of advice. We have answered your questions. Getting your back up is merely distracting from the reason you opened this thread to begin with. Depends on how you want to spend your time interacting with posters here, but it might be worthwhile to take a deep breath and truly hear what we're all trying to tell you. 

 

This is why therapy/advice never works for people with OCD. They are manipulators, bullies, they have all the answers, you can't tell them anything.....it's all part of the condition. They can't help it. There is more than one thing that "triggers" this behavior and him being here is one of them. It's unfortunate but they don't have an "off" switch. Every time you engage, it just intensifies. My mom has OCD, I have worked with clients with OCD...they are very difficult to deal with. No matter what I do, they never calm down unless they get their way on something, then they move onto something else they can't lose focus on. It doesn't stop. So the OP is here seemingly not able to take anyone's advice because this is a new focus. This will probably go on for 40 pages, and it will be the same thing over and over. That's OCD for ya.

[explosivetomato]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

This is why therapy/advice never works for people with OCD. They are manipulators, bullies, they have all the answers, you can't tell them anything.....it's all part of the condition. They can't help it. There is more than one thing that "triggers" this behavior and him being here is one of them. It's unfortunate but they don't have an "off" switch. Every time you engage, it just intensifies. My mom has OCD, I have worked with clients with OCD...they are very difficult to deal with. No matter what I do, they never calm down unless they get their way on something, then they move onto something else they can't lose focus on. It doesn't stop. So the OP is here seemingly not able to take anyone's advice because this is a new focus. This will probably go on for 40 pages, and it will be the same thing over and over. That's OCD for ya.

Well I’ve never had any issue like this before so I’m loathe to say I have OCD or that this is with me forever. I’d strongly refute I’m a manipulator and bully but thanks for the list of lifestyle changes, which I’ll look into (have been doing quite a lot of exercise lately anyway for this reason).

Going to leave this thread here and ask that it’s locked if possible - don’t want it to go on and on in circles.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 No matter what I do, they never calm down unless they get their way on something, then they move onto something else they can't lose focus on. It doesn't stop. So the OP is here seemingly not able to take anyone's advice because this is a new focus. This will probably go on for 40 pages, and it will be the same thing over and over. That's OCD for ya.

Yes, seems to be the case. 

 

 

[explosivetomato]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, seems to be the case. 

 

 

I don’t have OCD and I’ve already asked for this thread to be wrapped up and ended.

Thanks for continuing to try to stir the pot though. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself.