My ex got in touch

[Ruby Slippers]

Almost two months after I asked him to leave, he sent a link to the Roxette song "Listen to Your Heart," the main message of which is "listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye' = are you sure this is what you want?

Even after everything we've been through, I'm still somewhat on the fence. Part of me wishes he'd come back around and make the case for why we should try again. I even had a feeling he was going to do something like this, a gentle, quiet nudge when he didn't hear from me. Then another part of me thinks I can't teach a grown man to be open-hearted and evolved, and I'm better off alone than dealing with the frustrations and disappointments.

I suppose I'll consider the implied question. I have been, anyway, still on the fence.

[Happy Lemming]

Some men are good at some things and some men are better at others.  Some are highly intelligent and some are mechanically inclined.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  There is no "one size fits all" individual.  So he is messy, bring in a maid once a week, so he doesn't groom the lawn properly, bring in a landscaper.  In the end, these are little things that you can work around.

He checks all of your "MAJOR" boxes and fails at some of the smaller less important ones.  Look past the minor stuff he can't do and enjoy what he does bring to your life.

It seems those who are too picky, spend A LOT of time alone, searching and searching for the unicorn that may not appear.

[elaine567]

I don't really think the messy kitchen and the ungroomed lawn are the main issues here.

[Ruby Slippers]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

He checks all of your "MAJOR" boxes and fails at some of the smaller less important ones.  Look past the minor stuff he can't do and enjoy what he does bring to your life.

It seems those who are too picky, spend A LOT of time alone, searching and searching for the unicorn that may not appear.

I hear what you're saying, but I don't agree with this.

I think the main problems are:

1. He's still very bitter and burned after his divorce more than TEN YEARS AGO, and to an extent he holds back because of it. In some important ways I never felt properly appreciated and romanced. Maybe he's just not capable of that, it's not his mentality. When I love a man, I offer him the moon, with the full understanding it's a two-way street and all that love is gonna come back to me and then some. I have a VERY generous heart. He's not in the mindset to do that. He has a more selfish, stingy mentality. A perfect example of this is when we were in New Orleans, on our way to a brunch spot. He had asked ME to pick the restaurant, and knowing what a cheap ass he can be, I picked a place that was like $15 a plate, with a nice jazz band playing, good atmosphere. I start going over some options on the menu with him while we're driving, and he has a little hissy fit about how I should look for something cheaper. This is a guy with more than enough money to go to the most expensive restaurants in the city and still not feel any impact to his finances whatsoever. So I said, "Fine, I'll pay for brunch!" Just to shut him up so I could enjoy myself. I offered to pay every time we went somewhere, and he almost always refused unless it was a really cheap place. We got into a huge fight and it ruined the morning. In that case, I just couldn't win because of his stingy heart.

2. He doesn't know how to treat a woman. He does some of it. Even as cheap as he is, he's still a provider. But he's generally bad at any kind of romantic gestures, even though I told him 100 times how much they mean to me. He could never break his habit of leering at other women. He says he's never cheated and I don't think he would, but that always ruined any outing for me and by the end I just got totally fed up with it. He's crass and would tell me stupid things I never wanted to know - like about some ex-girlfriend of his who was religious and celibate for 6 years before they met, and then so horny once she met him. What woman wants to hear this crap? When he used to try to get me to compliment him and asked if it was the best/biggest/whatever, I could have compared him to previous lovers, but I have the common sense and tact not to do that. 

I could go on and on. I could also go on and on about his good qualities. And yes, I've considered that he might be my last chance to have kids, if I want that. But then I think it's better not to even have kids with a guy like this!

I'm not really "searching" anymore. I'm alone but I don't feel lonely. Now I feel like I'll direct my love and energy to where it's most needed and appreciated. I just started volunteering again, tutoring homeless kids. I've been a major uplifter for my friends lately. My parents say my visits are the highlight of their lives. I'm throwing myself into creative projects and fitness.

My life is going to be badass, inspired, and sparkling no matter what, with or without a man. I just don't need one who's gonna drag me down.

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 I just don't need one who's gonna drag me down.

Then let sleeping dogs lie... Ignore the recent communication and just continue on with your life.

It been two months, three comes after two and so on and so forth.

[DarrenB]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Almost two months after I asked him to leave, he sent a link to the Roxette song "Listen to Your Heart," the main message of which is "listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye' = are you sure this is what you want?

As invalid as my comments may be considering I do not have the plethora of experience as yourself and others, sending a link to a love ballad as oppose to showing genuine actions of wanting to remain in your life is a very poor attempt to reconcile. 

 

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Then another part of me thinks I can't teach a grown man to be open-hearted and evolved, and I'm better off alone than dealing with the frustrations and disappointments.

A partner should add to your happiness and well-being not jeopardize you of it. His fixation with an abundance of different things that are not centered to your own personal relationship with him is an obvious problem and he sounds incompetent to acknowledging the problems and working through a resolve.

14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

My life is going to be badass, inspired, and sparkling no matter what, with or without a man. I just don't need one who's gonna drag me down.

Regardless of the concluding outcome it sounds as though you'll do just fine without a leech sucking the life out of you and I salute that.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes. I'm not going to answer.

I get the feeling he might eventually follow up with a message, and then I'll just tell him it's not going to work with a short summary of why. Maybe it will help him for the future.

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes. I'm not going to answer.

Or you could just reply... "Please stop, I don't wish to hear from you" maybe put the matter to bed once and for all.

No need for a reason or a summary, it will only cause a rebuttal or promise of change.  A simple & polite message of "go away" should handle the situation.

Can you block his communications??

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't need to block him. I know what I want and don't want. I have "listened to my heart," and my heart says I can do better than what he's offered.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think the main problems are:

At the risk of belaboring the point, these sound like a mixture of incompatibilities and major flaws. This stuff about horny exes and who is bigger is "locker room talk". You don't do that with your GF or a woman generally unless she is the type who actually likes that kind of stuff. It's like he's trying to treat you like a guy buddy or possibly to humiliate you. Not smart either way.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, I agree. I have a feeling he never bothered learning how to treat a woman because he simply didn't have to. His marriage was essentially arranged, basically a practical/transactional arrangement. I'm guessing she eventually got fed up with his crap, and she left with half the sizable fortune he had amassed to that point. He's never gotten over this and I have a feeling he never will. 

He's highly accomplished and has major ego issues, very concerned about his status and other BS I just don't give a flying fig about. In spite of his confident front, I could tell early on that he's also very insecure. My dad said after our first big fight that he thinks I'm a little out of his league and he was trying to put me down out of fear of losing me. A losing strategy, obviously, but he didn't get it.

[Ellener]

58 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm guessing she eventually got fed up with his crap, and she left with half the sizable fortune he had amassed to that point. He's never gotten over this and I have a feeling he never will. 

It's weird how attached people get to money. I came out of my marriage with a $25K a year settlement, which was all I needed to raise my son and start a new career. One of my friends went through a horrible battle the same time to 'take him for all he's got' with the man she loved dearly the year before. She advised me to do the same and I knew instinctively to say no. I didn't even hire a divorce lawyer. Some women do really damage a man's ego then he's afraid to love someone afterwards.

You didn't break him, you can't fix him.

I'm guessing he misses you simply because you're awesome!

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you! In spite of the issues, we had real love. In spite of his hangups, he obviously longs for real love, as we all do. There's just no substitute for real love.

It's especially stupid in his case, because he can still do pretty much anything he wants to. As soon as they divorced, his salary went through the roof, I'm guessing because he was no longer bogged down with what he called a loveless marriage. And just before the pandemic he had an interview for a job making double his current salary. He told me that was great, but it was no comparison to me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. 

I would have been there for him to the very end if he hadn't been such an a**h***. Deep down I think he knows this, which is why I'm pretty sure this isn't the last time I'll be hearing from him. 

[snowcones]

Sometimes exes come back into your life to see if you're still stupid.

[Ruby Slippers]

And a week later, here's the message. He says I miss you, I love you, and wish we could be together.

I'll reply and tell him the incompatibilities are too deep-seated for a harmonious relationship, but I wish him the best. 

Though I told him before I didn't want to be friends, I'll offer to be a distant friend for advice in the future via email if he needs it. I feel I'm emotionally evolved and strong enough to handle that no problem. 

[Happy Lemming]

18 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'll reply and tell him the incompatibilities are too deep-seated for a harmonious relationship, but I wish him the best.

A reply will only invite more communication.  If you truly want this individual to leave you alone, ignore the message.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've already replied in the way I feel is best for me and the situation, thanks. I just wanted to update here since I did predict this conclusion, and it's now concluded. 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

and it's now concluded. 

Don't count on it.  Sounds like you're doing great, but just be honest with yourself, I think you're still vulnerable to him.  Even the strongest person can be caught off guard, so be attuned to what you're really feeling, without ego, so it doesn't sideline you.

[Ruby Slippers]

If I make another prediction, sure, I predict at some point he'll contact me again offering some attempt at a remedy. 

But what could he possibly do? He can't change into a different person.

He's had no problem finding girlfriends who will tolerate his ways. In those cases, he wasn't enamored and ended it. He'll have to find the happy balance for himself, as we all do. At this point I sincerely wish him the best in that. 

[Vitaminka]

You've mentioned that he has many good qualities. Based on what you've wrote, would have no clue what they would be as he sounds let's just say not that great. But would he consider be open to the  therapy, or a couple's therapy? Like you said, he has some good in him and you are compatible on some levels.  Would that be worth exploring before completely shutting him off? Perhaps with the help of a psychologist he would be able to let go of his past and starting treating you better???? You have many doubts, as I see, letting him go.

 Just an idea. Give or take.

[Vitaminka]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

He's had no problem finding girlfriends who will tolerate his ways. In those cases, he wasn't enamored and ended it. He'll have to find the happy balance for himself, as we all do. At this point I sincerely wish him the best in that. 

Yes, I think he would work perfectly well for someone a lot younger. Basically for a woman who wants a sugar daddy of some sort. Or perhaps not a sugar daddy, but just a rich man to take care of at least some of her needs. She would have no problem tolerating him as she paints a bigger picture of their lives together. I've seen this dynamic quite a lot. A very stingy older men, who is quite set in his ways, basically my way or highway rude, sometimes uncaring kind of guy,  and a lovely younger woman in a relationship with him. The one who is willing to bend over and backwards, to stand on her head if needed just to please him. Willing to do whatever it takes to keep him. Usually these type of guys get themselves a mail order brides from another country. 

Edited August 8, 2020 by Vitaminka

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, Vitaminka said:

Yes, I think he would work perfectly well for someone a lot younger.

Ruby is  a lot younger.
But Ruby is no soft touch. 
Ruby does not need his money or clout so much she will put up with his derogatory comments and disrespect, and Ruby is no skivvy either.

[Vitaminka]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ruby is  a lot younger.
But Ruby is no soft touch. 
Ruby does not need his money or clout so much she will put up with his derogatory comments and disrespect, and Ruby is no skivvy either.

Oh, OK. I meant being younger is just one component. So in that she fits in what he wants. I meant he would work well with the impressionable, and Ruby doesn't seem THAT impressionable, young thing. The women who are looking for better lives (not necessarily golddiggers, but who want an older more established men by their sides) would do well with him. You would be surprised how many young women would put up with him. Believe me, I've seen quite a lot men like the OP was describing with the younger mail order brides. The crap they put up with is un-freaking-believable. What Ruby is describing is just some of it. And guess what, it gives them even more motivation to please such men. The problem for him would be that Ruby doesn't fit that, I agree.

Edited August 8, 2020 by Vitaminka

[Ruby Slippers]

This is a post-breakup thread, so of course I'm not going to focus on his positive qualities. But he has enough that at one time I thought we'd be with each other till the end, which is something I hadn't felt about anyone in a very long time. 

I don't think he wants an "arrangement." That's basically what he had in his first marriage, and it didn't work out so well for him. His boss has a transactional-type marriage with his imported wife and recommended my ex try the same. But he said he couldn't get excited about a transactional relationship with a woman who only wanted him for what he could bring her, I guess because he's been there, done that. Those women are easy to find locally, too. He could have 10 sugar babies if that's what he wanted.

He said our relationship with the first time he found what he considered real love, even said in the early days he wasn't experienced with real romance, so please forgive him in advance if he was clumsy. But his missteps were worse than clumsy at times. 

I'm not sure that counseling would help much. I don't see any point in giving it any consideration unless he proposes it.

Edited August 8, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[snowcones]

19 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

If I make another prediction, sure, I predict at some point he'll contact me again offering some attempt at a remedy. 

But what could he possibly do? He can't change into a different person.

He's had no problem finding girlfriends who will tolerate his ways. In those cases, he wasn't enamored and ended it. He'll have to find the happy balance for himself, as we all do. At this point I sincerely wish him the best in that. 

This sounds exactly like my ex and our situation.  He has no problem finding girlfriends but we were too incompatible.  We've been on and off a couple of times since we met 4 years ago, but in between times he's always finds another girlfriend (there's been a few), while I have had no one since then.  It's very disheartening when he comes back telling me how he wants me back and how "Special" I am.  Umm, no I'm not.  Just go away and find another girl.