ButterCoffee Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I am very confused about what to do. My (now ex) boyfriend says he cannot be in a relationship with anyone right now because he is depressed and says he wants to be alone for awhile. He said we can still hang out as friends and do things like cuddle if I want to. I do know he is going through some personal issues like at work and with his family so I know hes not lying when he says hes depressed. A couple weeks prior to him telling me this, he would take all day to respond to my texts so I knew he was becoming distant. We got into a fight about it because one day he wanted me to go home when I was supposed to spend the night. He did this 3 months ago, and I agreed to be friends with him, but the first day we hung out as "friends", our chemistry was still there so we ended up being intimate again and the next day he said ok actually we can be together. This time around, I told him I dont think its possible for us to hang out as just friends and it would hurt me. I told him he should use this time to be alone and have his space. He hasnt texted me for a few days and Im wondering if I made the right decision. Was I supposed to be there for him as a friend until he came back around to me? Did I mess up by saying goodbye and leaving him alone, or will it make him miss me and come back? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 7 minutes ago, ButterCoffee said: My (now ex) boyfriend says he cannot be in a relationship with anyone right now because he is depressed and says he wants to be alone for awhile. He did this 3 months ago, and I agreed to be friends with him, but the first day we hung out as "friends", our chemistry was still there so we ended up being intimate again and the next day he said ok actually we can be together. This time around, I told him I dont think its possible for us to hang out as just friends and it would hurt me. I told him he should use this time to be alone and have his space. Excellent. If he wants to be alone, let him be alone. He can't have it both ways and in effect demote you to on-call fwb and therapist. This will hurt you and you're smart to say no to that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 You did the right thing. In swimming rescue they teach you this phrase: reach, throw, go. You can't save a drowning person if they drag you under. So you are supposed to stay on shore & reach out to them with a pole. If that doesn't work, then you throw a life-preserver to them. Only as a last resort do you jump in yourself. Your EX has issues far beyond your ability to fix. He needs medical help. If you can be strong enough to talk to him, OK, but don't go for the cuddling or anything that will hurt you because you want more. You have to save yourself 1st. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, ButterCoffee said: My (now ex) boyfriend says he cannot be in a relationship with anyone right now because he is depressed and says he wants to be alone for awhile. He said we can still hang out as friends and do things like cuddle if I want to. translation: I'm demoting you to FWB so I don't have to answer to you anymore, but I still want boyfriend perks. Quote I told him I dont think its possible for us to hang out as just friends and it would hurt me. I told him he should use this time to be alone and have his space. He hasnt texted me for a few days and Im wondering if I made the right decision. Yes you did. If you can't be his friend without getting hurt, then you have to put your needs before his. He's off pouting. Quote Was I supposed to be there for him as a friend until he came back around to me? As long as you were there as a friend, he wasn't going to come back around to what you previously had. He had no reason to--you've already accepted his terms and he has no reason to change them. Quote Did I mess up by saying goodbye and leaving him alone, or will it make him miss me and come back? No you did not mess up... and who knows if he'll miss you, but you have to ask yourself: is a guy worth it who demotes you then tries to turn you into his "FWB/ we can do the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff when I feel like doing it and when I don't, you can go kick rocks"? Edited July 30, 2020 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 You did the right thing, OP. You can't possibly keep putting yourself through this, as you recognize. It's not fair to you. He needs to get himself well and it can't be with you as a crutch when it's at the expense of your own heart. Please also understand that him missing you and coming back does not mean all is well. Unless and until he addresses his underlying problems, he will take off again. Be careful about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ButterCoffee Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 What if he meets another girl who agrees to take things slow with him and be "friends" and he ends up giving her the relationship that I wanted just because I wasn't patient enough? I'm still wondering if I made the right decision. Since last time all it took was 1 hang out and he gave me the title again - this time if I played it cool, even left early (not spend the night) and made him realize he still had feelings for me - maybe it would work in my favor? He texted me saying he got a new job offer and he told me congrats on a work project of mine he saw on my business website (so he was still checking up on me) and how he misses me & how he isnt dating others, he just wants to be alone. I said "Congrats on the new job, I get it, use your time to be alone. I want you to be happy, I do want to be there for you but I also know I need to protect my heart & wait for someone who wants to be with me. If you are ready to see each other exclusively in the future then maybe we can reconnect if I'm still single. Glad things are getting better for you." I dont know if that was the right thing for me to say. He didnt reply after that. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 1 minute ago, ButterCoffee said: What if he meets another girl who agrees to take things slow with him and be "friends" and he ends up giving her the relationship that I wanted just because I wasn't patient enough? I'm still wondering if I made the right decision. Since last time all it took was 1 hang out and he gave me the title again - this time if I played it cool, even left early (not spend the night) and made him realize he still had feelings for me - maybe it would work in my favor? A healthy relationship is not supposed to be that difficult. You did the right thing. Both for yourself and for him. He needs to focus on his mental health. You're allowing him the space to do that. But you're not sacrificing your own emotional health to make that happen. That's a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 53 minutes ago, ButterCoffee said: What if he meets another girl who agrees to take things slow with him and be "friends" and he ends up giving her the relationship that I wanted just because I wasn't patient enough? I'm still wondering if I made the right decision. Since last time all it took was 1 hang out and he gave me the title again - this time if I played it cool, even left early (not spend the night) and made him realize he still had feelings for me - maybe it would work in my favor? He gave you the title? Girl, this isn’t a job interview. Your thinking about this is concerning, because it clearly shows that you view a relationship with him as something he bestows upon you, rather than a meeting in the middle of two people who have equal agency in it. As for your fear that another girl will catch his interest by agreeing to be patient: You can’t really even draw a comparisons there, because taking it slow from the beginning is not the same as having two break-ups already under you belt and being asked once again to hang out on standby. Apples and oranges. As Acacia pointed out, the emotional gymnastic you’re tempted to put yourself through (not spending the night, trying to make him miss you) don’t have any place in a healthy, functional and viable relationship. It should never be that complicated to maintain someone’s interest, and if it is, you know you’re not with the right person. The right guy won’t need that much prodding or nudging to notice your value. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vitaminka Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) Oh, wow. A guy downgrades you from his "girlfriend" to his "friend with benefits." A guy who says no to a full blown relationship but doesn't mind keeping you around just in case as a special "friend." He needs some time alone and yet, he cannot say no to cuddles, lol. Of course he might meet and start dating someone else, after all, in his eyes the two of you are no longer dating. Sorry, but you are just an easy lay to him right now. He told you quite clearly that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Reasons don't matter. For me, a guy is either all in or all out, no middle ground. You did the right thing for you and your sanity. I would suggest that you block him and close this chapter in your life permanently. Edited August 1, 2020 by Vitaminka 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 He clearly doesn't know his priorities and has no regard for anyone else's feelings but his own. Showing a complete lack of consideration for your own feelings and continuously altering your role to him isn't acceptable, regardless of how he feels at the time. Do not let someone be an albatross around your neck. You deserve better, unfortunately he is not better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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