Husband Cheated, now what?

[Ladybird90]

Hi all, this will be a long and quite raw post so please be kind.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost 2. In Dec 2016 he cheated on me with a female friend, someone he’s always had a soft spot for. Our relationship wasn’t in a good place and he sought someone else. It went on for about a month, however I’d question his odd behaviour and he’d call me paranoid, insecure etc. He’s always been very private with his phone so getting access to see messages etc was never easy. It wasn’t until I grabbed his phone out of his hands and demanded he tell me what’s going on. Then he told me everything. He said it was over with her, deleted her from social media etc. However she reappeared, then I found out he’d carried on messaging her and had slept with her again. It wasn’t until I ended it, that he was begging for forgiveness etc  

Fast forward to now, we never really dealt with him cheating properly. He was in the army so away during the week so we just brushed everything under the carpet.

We’ve been in another bad patch. I was extremely stressed at the end of last year due to work and admit that I neglected him and our marriage. I made him feel terrible and unwanted. Now with Covid I’ve been working from home since March and he’s struggled not having any personal space as I’m always home and he’s still been working. I’ve felt him withdrawing and it’s triggered my anxious attachment making me smother him more. Cue the odd behaviour again. I spoke to him, explained how he was behaving, how it was similar to before, asked him if he was cheating on me. He said no. Multiple times, he said no. Insecure etc. I found messages on his Apple watch to her, confirming I wasn’t crazy. I confronted him and he told me everything. He said she means nothing, she’s different to the first girl, it was “just sex”. It’s probably naive of me, but I believe that. He’s told me it’s over, he’s not messaging her anymore or seeing her. It’s made complicated as he works with her but he’s currently looking for a new job as I’ve said we can’t even begin to move forward unless she is removed from his life completely.

It not only scares me because I feel like it’s history repeating itself. I’m also worried because he’s told me he needs to handle the situation properly otherwise she will make life difficult for him. If I meant that much to him, why would he not put me first. He openly told me that it was over a month since he last slept with her, and he was hoping he would just find a new job, remove her from his life completely and then he’d of spared me of the hurt and he’d of carried the secret to his grave. I asked how he can live his life like that, knowing he’s hurt me and he’s lying to me for the rest of our relationship. He said he’d rather that than hurting me again. He’s been very open with me since and making an effort, not ignoring my calls etc  

The past month we’ve been so up and down. My trust is broken, I’m broken. Some days I want to work through it and see a marriage counsellor and others I just don’t know if it’s worth it. The past few days have been awful and I’m left wondering if I even want to be in this marriage at all. His mum was an alcoholic and didn’t look after him or his sister properly when he was younger. His parents marriage wasn’t working and his dad cheated on his mum and is still with his new partner today. I asked if he thinks this had an impact and is why he is like he is, he said probably.

This isn’t the man I fell in love with or married. Deep down I know he’s gentle, caring, strong, attentive. He’s not some narcissistic monster. I can tell he’s sorry and regretful for what he’s done. But I don’t know what caused him to be so hurtful.

Im not sure what I’m looking for here. Advice from anyone who has been through similar. Is it worth it? Do we need space? Does he need to fix himself before we can even start to rebuild our marriage? 

I’m 30, he’s 31, no children and currently renting (although about £20k in debt).

[d0nnivain]

Space isn't going to help.  Marriage counseling may help.  

Cheating is his answer to stress.  It's a bad pattern.  I'd have trouble trusting.  

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Ladybird90 said:

he’s told me he needs to handle the situation properly otherwise she will make life difficult for him.

Very sorry to hear this. Cheating is never your fault and not due to his bad childhood, stress, et cetera.  He's not the victim here. You need to "make life difficult for him".  Calmly explain he has 3 options. Marriage therapy. Divorce. Or continue cheating. In the meantime pull back.

Get busy with friends and family. Keep communication simple and practical. Just to give you perspective, get advice about your options from an attorney in the event you choose to divorce.

Also go to therapy privately and confidentially for support. Do not tell him and when you leave the house simply say you're going out. Make him sweat. Do not act needy or emotional. You need to shift gears from doormat to a person with options.

Edited July 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

Don't let a MC sweep this under the rug, though (some may try in order to "save the marriage). IF you're going to go the route of reconciliation, he needs to own what he did and own the internal change he needs to make to ensure it won't happen again. That may require some IC for him.

 

46 minutes ago, Ladybird90 said:

 Deep down I know he’s gentle, caring, strong, attentive. He’s not some narcissistic monster. I can tell he’s sorry and regretful for what he’s done. But I don’t know what caused him to be so hurtful.

People aren't necessarily either/or though. He may be caring and also regretful, but clearly he's also quite capable of cheating. He's in the military, so he's capable of pulling the trigger, too, no?

Sure, you both need to work on the marriage so it stays less rocky (as much as possible). But the bottom line is that he needs to get himself to a place where this won't happen again. It can't be the pill/band-aid he reaches for when things get rough. Otherwise, how can you ever feel emotionally safe in the marriage?

[Ladybird90]

I need to add that he had had the audacity to suggest that doesn’t trust I won’t now cheat on him because he’s cheated on me. I didn’t even give him the satisfaction of a response to that statement. I’m not that type of person at all. He mentions he doesn’t trust me because he feels like I’m watching him all the time, going through his phone etc. Which isn’t true. I’ve never gone through his phone, the only time I looked at his Apple Watch was when I found the messages. But I had a good reason to, I had that gut feeling he was lying about something and that’s the only way I was going to get the truth. 

[Ladybird90]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Don't let a MC sweep this under the rug, though (some may try in order to "save the marriage). IF you're going to go the route of reconciliation, he needs to own what he did and own the internal change he needs to make to ensure it won't happen again. That may require some IC for him.

 

People aren't necessarily either/or though. He may be caring and also regretful, but clearly he's also quite capable of cheating. He's in the military, so he's capable of pulling the trigger, too, no?

Sure, you both need to work on the marriage so it stays less rocky (as much as possible). But the bottom line is that he needs to get himself to a place where this won't happen again. It can't be the pill/band-aid he reaches for when things get rough. Otherwise, how can you ever feel emotionally safe in the marriage?

Completely agree, he needs to understand what makes him feel the need to find someone else. We’ve spoken about separating and divorce and I’ve explained that any issues he has now and he doesn’t resolve he’s just going to carry into a new relationship which he acknowledged.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Ladybird90 said:

I’m not that type of person at all. He mentions he doesn’t trust me because he feels like I’m watching him all the time, going through his phone etc.

No, if you were to do that, you would be holding him accountable. He doesn’t like that, and for good reason. So, he says the problem is with you - he says - “why don’t you trust him?“ You should ask him, why should you trust a man who has cheated more than once? You tell him that he hasn’t earned your trust. You did trust him, he lost that trust when he cheated, and now he needs to be totally transparent and accountable...

Edited July 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ladybird90 said:

Completely agree, he needs to understand what makes him feel the need to find someone else. We’ve spoken about separating and divorce and I’ve explained that any issues he has now and he doesn’t resolve he’s just going to carry into a new relationship which he acknowledged.

Don't buy the cheating as a disease nonsense. He cheats because it's fun. No insight needed.

[schlumpy]

He's a serial cheater. Quit looking for a rational reason.

It's crunch time for you.

You are still young. I recommend you take the chance that love you will find you again.

The alternative is to pretend that your husband is still the guy you thought you married.

[BaileyB]

Me too. You are still young, you don’t have children with this man yet... There are other men out there who won’t carry the baggage this man carries. And reconciliation is a long, hard road... the things that concern me most are the fact that he hasn’t really accepted responsibility, he minimizes and shifts the blame to you, and he is not being open and transparent. That and the fact that his response to stress is to cheat - how is he going to respond when you have a baby and you are dealing with the stress of a newborn and the lack of sleep and personal space. Not well, if past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. 

It’s the old saying - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Or, as Maya Angelou so beautifully says... “when people show you who they are, believe them.” 

Edited July 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[Subversa]

First of all I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feel like it shouldn’t be on your shoulders to find out the reasons why he cheated. Twice. 
HE has to be remorseful enough himself. HE is one who should try and figure out what is wrong with his coping mechanisms that makes him cheat during tough times. 
HE should be the one trying to fix himself.

What he shouldn’t be doing is saying things like HE doesn’t trust you. 

From my experience, I can tell you that stressors are added when you bring kids into a marriage. What if, God forbid, someone falls sick? What if there is a financial crunch? How will he handle these events? 
I am so sorry but if he saw you hurt before and he still did it this time, what do you think that says about him as a person? I am sure he is a good person deep down but he is also someone capable of cheating repeatedly. When you add kids in a marriage, it becomes infinitely hard to leave. You are so very young. Make a decision you deem best for your self and consider yourself worthy of being someone’s number one priority. 
A relationship that you consider better Just because he isn’t ignoring calls anymore doesn’t sound too solid. Just know this that while there are problems in a marriage, it is not a solution to cheat. 
 

[Warmer]

I can't beleieve you are still with him, I became stressed but I didn't cheat and my girlfriend still dumped me saying I am not the same fun person anymore. Do people get away with cheating in marriages. Sorry for the rant just irks me that he did it so many times and is still in a rs.

[merrmeade]

Indeed: “Husband cheated.” But between  “cheated” and “now what,” you left out “and then cheated again.” it’s “and then cheated again.

Feel good about acting on your gut suspicions. Just keep on turning this over. You’re closer to the truth than I was at this point. You’ve already nailed it by the fact that  he could do it twice - same circumstances and E with so much lying. I remember similar things my husband said and finding out how common they were among cheaters—eg:

• Gas lighting:  “...he’d call me paranoid, insecure etc.
• Minimizing or claiming it didn’t mean anything: “He said she means nothing, she’s different to the first girl, it was ‘just sex.’”
• Rug sweeping

You need to know it’s all been said before. But be prepared for the possibility that he minimized how long the first one was and a lot more details.

It’s also good you’re realizing you didn’t really know the person you married. Consider this: Maybe you really don’t want to know him any better..

It’s hard to let go but he’s shown he won’t change. Not without years of therapy. If I were your age and when I found out and knew what I know now, I’d have left—especially knowing that he’d only change so much and no more and had no interest or ability to work with a therapist. The one thought that would have pushed me to let go I think would not be him. It would be thinking about what long-lived mature love, respect and trust would look like. What it would be like to be with a someone who felt lucky to be with me.
 

 

Edited July 31, 2020 by merrmeade

[ExpatInItaly]

If he is afraid the other woman will make life difficult for him, you can be sure it is not just sex. He's likely been making her empty promises that go much deeper than that. 

I don't know, OP. I personally would find it hard to stay with this man. What you know is probably only the tip of the iceberg. He is a serial cheat and will very likely do this again. And again. 

I would seriously encourage you to at least consult with a divorce attorney. Think about your options. Inform yourself. Don't let him know you're doing this, either. He will throw a tantrum. You need to take control of your life again. 

[Amethyst68]

In my opinion it's too soon for MC but if you do go make sure you find one that's trained in dealing with infidelity. A lot of MCs will rug sweep in order to move on and try and deal with the marriage, they don't realise or refuse to accept you have to deal with the affair before moving on. Even worse, on reading a lot of then seem to put blame on the BS for the affair.

Never accept blame for the affair. You can certainly accept your affair of the blame if your marriage was in a bad place but understand that cheating is a choice. Your husband had choices, options that he chose not to take, instead he took the most destructive path available to him, probably because it was the most fun at the time. Your WS could have talked to you, talked to friends, to an IC, priest/minister etc. 

If he's serious about reconciliation your WH needs to really work on his "whys" maybe with an IC before you go to an MC. Cheaters also need to realise that cheating does come with consequences. If you want access to his phone and emails then ok. It's not a normal circumstance, if your gut is telling you to check then check.

Lastly, you don't have to stay, it's probably a good idea to see a lawyer and find out what reality would be like if you did divorce.

If you don't rug sweep the time scale given to reconcile by people who been through this is 2-5 years. It's definitely a long haul fight.

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, Ladybird90 said:

I feel like it’s history repeating itself.

And that is what history tends to do.
The time for leaving was when you found out he cheated on you the first time.
Yours is not an uncommon story. 
"He cheated, I forgave him because I loved him, I wanted it to work I blamed myself, and now he is cheating again..."
And if you stay this time, you will be back in the same place in another few years down the  road.
Unfortunately then you may have a baby or babies to worry about...
Babies don't make men faithful, cheating around pregnancy is very very common. Women get involved with the pregnancy, the birth, the new born and "men" get fed up of no sex and attention and they stray.  I would guess your guy is almost 100% likely to stray again...

Forgiving like you did the first time he cheated, just gave him the excuse to do it again, as the consequences of that action never materialised..
You rug swept, he went "Phew! I got away with it."

[Ladybird90]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

I worry if I leave him I’ll be full of regret, but I’m also scared if I stay he will do it again. I honestly don’t know which path to choose. I have low self-esteem and low confidence and I really struggle to make decisions encase I make the wrong one. I can’t even comprehend trying to make a decision this big.

I’m not sleeping, I feel like I’m shaking all the time (I’m not) but I guess it’s the emotions and anxiety. Long story short my doctor has signed me off work for a week, she hasn’t prescribed anything (I didn’t want it) but instead suggested IC for both of us.

I’ve just spoken to him about how I’m feeling, one day I’m ok the next I’m not, about IC, about not wanting to lose the life we have and the family we have but also being scared of him hurting me again. He said I’m too intense and I need to stop playing the victim, I bit back and asked him not to say that because it makes me feel guilty for feeling how I do and that isn’t fair as I’m allowed to feel this way considering he betrayed me.

His mum goes on holiday next week for a few weeks so I’ve asked him to go and stay at hers whilst she’s away so we both have some space. 

Edited July 31, 2020 by Ladybird90

[gamon]

13 minutes ago, Ladybird90 said:

I’m also scared if I stay he will do it again.

Of course he'll do it again. He's made it clear who he is. You've forgiven him, so he knows he can get away with it and even worse he's turning it around by saying "you're always watching him" and other words to that effect, as if it's your fault.

As difficult as it may be, it's never going to be as easy as it is to make the break now.

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Ladybird90 said:

He said I need to stop playing the victim. 

Except, you are the victim here. Don’t ever let him convince you otherwise. 

Ladybird, a man who says this to a woman is not a nice man. You can know that he WILL most definitely do it again, after hearing this statement. There is no remorse in this statement. Furthermore, there is no empathy. 

Individual counselling is a very good idea for you. Hugs. 

Edited July 31, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, Ladybird90 said:

I’ve just spoken to him about how I’m feeling, one day I’m ok the next I’m not, about IC, about not wanting to lose the life we have and the family we have but also being scared of him hurting me again. He said I’m too intense and I need to stop playing the victim, I bit back and asked him not to say that because it makes me feel guilty for feeling how I do and that isn’t fair as I’m allowed to feel this way considering he betrayed me.

Oh dear that is not a good sign.
He wants it all rug swept again.
He doesn't want to be held accountable, he is taking no responsibility for his wrong doing.
He is not sorry, it is all YOUR fault...
He sounds entitled.

[curlygirl40]

Oh goodness. 
 

I don’t have the cheating spouse to relate to, but some things you said struck a cord with me when I was trying to decide to get out of my abusive marriage.  So hopefully some of this helps.  
 

You are afraid you’ll regret it.  (You won’t).   But write down 2 lists right now.   Right down a list of all of the wrongs.  The things he did.  The things he said.  How it made you feel.  How you had to snoop to find out the truth because he wouldn’t give you the truth.  Write it all down and tuck it away.  If there ever is a moment that you think you have regrets, look at that list and remind yourself of why you left.  
 

The second list is what you are looking for in a partner.  What is important to you?   Kindness, sense of humor, etc etc.   Notice the list will not include unfaithfulness but I digress.... When you are dating again, refer to this list often to be sure you’re searching out your ideal partner.   
 

Next, sometimes when we are trying to make huge decisions, we are waiting for a sign of what to do.  This sign will never come.  It’s not always black and white.   The longer you wait, the longer you sit in limbo.  Not really in the marriage but not really out.   It’s a horrible place to live.   
 

Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right.   Take that first step without seeing the rest of the staircase as they say.   
 

As a good friend said to me ‘Telling you that you will be ok after this is like trying to describe colors to a blind person’.  
 

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, curlygirl40 said:

Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right.   

As a good friend said to me ‘Telling you that you will be ok after this is like trying to describe colors to a blind person’.  

Beautiful. 

The longest journey still begins with a single step. 

[merrmeade]

6 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

The second list is what you are looking for in a partner.  What is important to you?   Kindness, sense of humor, etc etc.   Notice the list will not include unfaithfulness

This. 
keep thinking about this ideal partner. Really imagine what he’d be like and how he’d treat you you. 

[merrmeade]

Oh and curlygirl, that post was phenomenal.

[amerikajin]

I think the evidence is telling you that you married someone who's not reliable, and that problem never fixes itself unfortunately. I'm not judging - people have moments where they don't live up to their own standards or the standards of those around them. But this is someone who doesn't want to learn from his mistakes; he instead minimize and spins what he's doing, which I think is leading down the road to another affair at some point, even if not now.

There's no easy way out of this one. If you felt the relationship was worth saving, you could do counseling but not all relationships need to be saved.