Husband Cheated, now what?

[pepperbird]

On 7/30/2020 at 6:26 PM, Ladybird90 said:

I need to add that he had had the audacity to suggest that doesn’t trust I won’t now cheat on him because he’s cheated on me. I didn’t even give him the satisfaction of a response to that statement. I’m not that type of person at all. He mentions he doesn’t trust me because he feels like I’m watching him all the time, going through his phone etc. Which isn’t true. I’ve never gone through his phone, the only time I looked at his Apple Watch was when I found the messages. But I had a good reason to, I had that gut feeling he was lying about something and that’s the only way I was going to get the truth. 

meh, he's just deflecting. That's an old cheater tactic. try to shift focus.
The advice about working on yourself is spot on. Build yourself up to a point where staying is an active option, and leaving is also on the table. That way. you cna make choices that you feel are best for you.
btw, as an aside, if eh;s still in the military and the women he slept with is as well, he might want to make sure he's done lots of CYA. These things can come back to bite him later.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly what most betrayed spouses know is just the tip of the iceberg as far as the depth and breadth of the cheating.

How many how often how long how serious are details that are hidden and of course minimized when caught and confronted.

Sadly he is telling these women what a shrew you are and how he's on the verge of divorce. That's how he keeps them sucked in. Much the same way he tells you "it means nothing".

Get a good lawyer and don't look back.

[Ladybird90]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Since my first post there has been more come to light. I saw her in his car last Tuesday, I confronted him and he denied it, told me I’m too intense and that he needs space.

Then Saturday, I saw her in his car again. I followed them this time, he drove through a red light to get away and didn’t pull over. I pulled up next to him and just stared, then drove off. He text to say he will call in an hour, I said no you need to call me now! Tried to end our marriage via text and he would give me an explanation the day after. I said if he had any respect for me or our marriage he would be home now. He continued to have his night out with his mates, he had invited her and her friend along hence why he was with her.

He’s currently staying in a hotel. He’s told me he’s sorry for hurting me, breaking my heart and losing me. He regrets it and will hate himself forever. Said he will change and do whatever he can to fight for us. He said he was greedy, he was a little bit unhappy and kicked out, “wanted” to be single and be on his own. Now he has what he wants and he hates himself for it and will do forever.

He’s tugging on my heart strings and it hurts. It hurts to let go of the future we had, it will hurt when I see him have that with someone else. 

But then I remember all the pain, all the lies, the disrespect, how he made me feel like I didn’t exist. Then the happy memories creep in and I go round in circles.

I wonder if I was a victim of love bombing - at the start of the relationship it was always flowers, love notes, put me on a pedestal, I honestly felt like I was his whole world and he worshipped me. I wonder where that man has gone, the man I fell in love with. But maybe that wasn’t him at all, maybe this is the real him. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Ladybird90 said:

He’s currently staying in a hotel.

You need an attorney. Don't be a Fatal Attraction case casing him around in cars. You are wasting your time following him around  when you should be driving to your attorney's office filing for divorce.

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, Ladybird90 said:

I wonder if I was a victim of love bombing - at the start of the relationship it was always flowers, love notes, put me on a pedestal, I honestly felt like I was his whole world and he worshipped me. I wonder where that man has gone, the man I fell in love with. But maybe that wasn’t him at all, maybe this is the real him

No he was a man in love with you back then.  His feelings have changed with time.  That is why he cheats with other women.  One day you will love yourself more than him and leave.  I hope you don't wait until you're too old.

Edited August 7, 2020 by stillafool

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, Ladybird90 said:

He’s currently staying in a hotel. He’s told me he’s sorry for hurting me, breaking my heart and losing me. He regrets it and will hate himself forever. Said he will change and do whatever he can to fight for us. He said he was greedy, he was a little bit unhappy and kicked out, “wanted” to be single and be on his own. Now he has what he wants and he hates himself for it and will do forever.

I don't know your husband but I think he did want to be single but he also wanted you sitting home waiting for him when he was done.

It's called eating cake.

You sound like a great person. Don't be his plan B.

[amerikajin]

2 hours ago, Ladybird90 said:

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Since my first post there has been more come to light. I saw her in his car last Tuesday, I confronted him and he denied it, told me I’m too intense and that he needs space.

Then Saturday, I saw her in his car again. I followed them this time, he drove through a red light to get away and didn’t pull over. I pulled up next to him and just stared, then drove off. He text to say he will call in an hour, I said no you need to call me now! Tried to end our marriage via text and he would give me an explanation the day after. I said if he had any respect for me or our marriage he would be home now. He continued to have his night out with his mates, he had invited her and her friend along hence why he was with her.

He’s currently staying in a hotel. He’s told me he’s sorry for hurting me, breaking my heart and losing me. He regrets it and will hate himself forever. Said he will change and do whatever he can to fight for us. He said he was greedy, he was a little bit unhappy and kicked out, “wanted” to be single and be on his own. Now he has what he wants and he hates himself for it and will do forever.

He’s tugging on my heart strings and it hurts. It hurts to let go of the future we had, it will hurt when I see him have that with someone else. 

But then I remember all the pain, all the lies, the disrespect, how he made me feel like I didn’t exist. Then the happy memories creep in and I go round in circles.

I wonder if I was a victim of love bombing - at the start of the relationship it was always flowers, love notes, put me on a pedestal, I honestly felt like I was his whole world and he worshipped me. I wonder where that man has gone, the man I fell in love with. But maybe that wasn’t him at all, maybe this is the real him. 

People can say whatever they want, but his actions have spoken.

Sometimes, people can be genuinely remorseful after having an affair exposed, but you would expect an immediate and genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and you'd also expect an immediate and clear change in behavior - the extramarital affairs and acting out would immediately stop.

In your case, he's just apologizing because you're holding him accountable and taking control of the situation. He wants to have control of the situation so that he can act however he pleases, which in my mind is a soft form of abuse. It's abusive because he knowingly behaves in a way that offends you and only changes when you try to take control of your life.

I am not you, but if I were in this situation, I'd be divorcing.

[Crazelnut]

Agree. Don't be Plan B. He's just sorry he got caught. Good for you for kicking him out right away. Stick to that and do the 180.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Ladybird90 said:

He’s tugging on my heart strings and it hurts. It hurts to let go of the future we had, it will hurt when I see him have that with someone else. 

He's probably with gf now. Sounds like he already talked to a lawyer who advised him that "it's cheaper to keep her", so he's feeding you a load of bs in the hope that you don't get to a lawyer and find out what the deal is.

[mark clemson]

One possibility is that he realized she's not that great after all once he "had her" or possibly that whatever commitment she may have had on her end to continue things has wavered. His ignoring you and driving off and texting an end to the marriage sounds like a failed attempt to monkeybranch, where either he or she lost their nerve/interest for some reason. So, as folks have noted above, he's now attempting to return to Plan B.

From what you say about your earlier relationship, he sounds like the kind of man who is very "into" a new relationship (quite common). Possibly he was chasing the dopamine thrill of being with his AP but then "came to his senses." But I honestly wouldn't be putting too much money on that actually being what went on. And even if it is, you must ask yourself if that's what you want in a husband.

Whatever may have been, this is who he is NOW. IMO you should accept this fact (no doubt it's very difficult) and then take whatever action you deem appropriate for the situation. If it was me in your situation I believe I'd have a very difficult time trusting him or buying into any attempt at reconciliation.

[merrmeade]

Or he just got used to doing what he felt like. When you got suspicious, he could shut you up with fake outrage and gaslighting. He apologizes because he’s caught.

[BaileyB]

On 8/7/2020 at 7:21 AM, Ladybird90 said:

He’s told me he’s sorry for hurting me, breaking my heart and losing me. He regrets it and will hate himself forever. Said he will change and do whatever he can to fight for us.

This isn’t true at all. How do I know that his words mean nothing?

Quote

I said if he had any respect for me or our marriage he would be home now. He continued to have his night out with his mates, he had invited her and her friend along hence why he was with her.

... because this isn’t the behavior of a man who values his marriage and respects his wife. This isn’t the behavior of a man who has any remorse. Actions mean more than words, and his actions should tell you that he needs to be single and you need to file for divorce. Full stop. 

Edited August 9, 2020 by BaileyB

[Noproblem]

why would you stay with a cheater? why? You are super young and life is ahead of you with or without children, you deserve a non cheater

 

this guy will cheat again and again and again! You deserve better! 

You don't have any future left with him, what ever you dreamed of having with him it vanished the moment he cheated!

 

So let go and move on!

 

Edited August 10, 2020 by Noproblem

[pepperbird2]

op,

My husband is retired military. he had an affair as well, but the difference is he confessed without any prompting from me.
Your husband did not, he cheated on you, and not only that, he tried to make you feel like you were responsible.

He sounds to me like he's got some very arrested development going on. Sure, people make bad choices all the time, but this man does it over and over and over.  he gets settled in with you, then when he feels he's got that security in place, he begins to wander. You give him the stability, strength and a safe place to call home while he's out doing whatever he pleases. You're his wife not his mother!
I don't see him changing that pattern. I expect he will do the whole love bombing routine, and then he feels like you're back on board, he'll return to his old ways. It's just too ingrained. Blaming you allows him a way out of taking any responsibility for his actions- he's just like a little boy who never really grew up.