Girlfriend is being nasty to me a lot, should I break up with her

[Bunjy]

Hello all.  First time poster long time lurker here.

Anyway I'll get right into it.  So 8 months ago I met a girl through online dating.  We hit it off quickly and started dating regularly.  As we're both in our late 30's we didn't waste any time and became exclusive after a month of dating.  Everything was going great, we have similar interests, she's intelligent and we have a lot of fun together.

Now after about 4/5 months I started to notice a change in her attitude towards me (or maybe it was always there and I only just noticed it).  She suddenly started being rude and arguementative with me on a regular basis.  This has been going on for about 2 months now and its starting to wear me down.  Some examples:

She will often pick a fight for absolutely no reason at all when Ive done nothing at all and seems to create problems constantly for no real reason.  This isn't just on occasion but seems to be weekly or more now.

She nags at me constantly  things like the way I walk up the stairs (confused) and generally seems to think I need 'be told' how to do things.

She calls me incompetent and seems to think I cannot do everyday simple tasks (e.g. grocery shopping or ordering a take out).  I have  never been called incompetent by anyone before in my entire life so find it bizarre she would say that.

She criticises what I wear regularly and often complains she doesn't like what I wear.  This is odd as at the start of the relationship she mentioned I was well dressed.  For what its worth I do dress as best as a I can and try to be smart (again Ive never had anyone criticise my how I dress before, infact quite the opposite). Even when we are dressing up nice to go on a night out she will take issue with something Im wearing.

She generally complains about lots of things I do - sometimes I feel she may complain about me breathing as it seems everything I do irritates her.

She can be very passive aggressive and makes comments towards me at times that are just nasty and uncalled for.

She disregards my hobbies e.g. I like to go fishing once a month and she often comments its 'for old men'.  This isn't in a banter jokey way its often said with apparent malice or to hurt my feelings.  She also criticises the fact I like art and has commented its 'stupid'.

Whenever I make an effort to do something nice for her (e.g. take her for a nice romantic meal) she will find something to complain about and generally show a bad attitude.

As you can imagine this is becoming very difficult and Im starting to feel like she is unpleasant to be around.  Im no doormat and do stick up for myself but that invariably leads to an argument.  She seems to be starting arguments constantly whilst Im generally pretty chilled out.  Its really unsettling me because her bad attitude aside everything else is great and we have a good time doing nice things.

Also at the risk of being a pop psychologist I think its worth noting a few things Ive noticed.  She is not just like this with me and seems to be constantly having issues with the people in her life such as her sister, mum, best friends, work colleagues.  Weekly there seems to be some drama or issues between her and someone in her friend/work/family circle.  She is very negative towards her best friend (behind her back) and constantly has negative things to say about her.  I have also noticed she seems to be obsessively OCD over certain things and can appear very anxious at times whilst constantly cleaning her house to an obsessive level often when things are already spotless.  She definetly seems to have some control issues going on and cannot cope when she feels the situation is out of her control.  Whenever we've have had a fight and I take some time out to cool off she will come running to me with declarations of love and how much she loves me.  She seems to handle any sort of rejection really badly (even when its just say a day without us talking).  In general she has always been quite needy throughout the relationship.  Also worth noting she seems to have very low self esteem and has commented lots how she sees herself as 'disgusting', she spends a lot of time and money on her appearance and is a very pretty girl.  She also insanely jealous and seems to think Im going to run off with any girl who even looks at me.

Ive found myself in the unfortunate circumstance where Im considering breaking up with her.  What do you all think?  Ive never experienced a relationship like this before and I admit Im overlooking a lot because I really want things to work as Im not getting any younger. On the other hand Ive walked away from a lot less in previous relationships.  Its worth pointing out that generally I think Im quite a good boyfriend and do my best to make things work.  Im certainly no pushover but wise enough to know when to let things lie.  

I recently discovered that she has been left by the last three relationships she has had.  Now don't get me wrong she can be very nice at times but her nasty side is unlike anything Ive ever experienced in a partner before and its becoming more and more apparent.  I do feel she is generally an unhappy person (she is so negative about everything) but she herself doesn't seem to realise this and maintains she is happy.  It almost feels like she is actively trying to bring my self esteem down (through nasty comments and behaviour) and resents the fact Im generally a well adjusted and secure about myself.

P.S. Whenever I have tried confronting the issues and sensitively talking through any problems she gets very defensive and often shouts/screams this unsettles me as Im not a confrontational person at all.  She will often project and be passive aggressive blocking any chance of us reaching an understanding.

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by Bunjy

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Simply put? She's way too much work.

[d0nnivain]

She's been like this for roughly one half of your relationship.  The honeymoon phase is over.  This is who she is.  Sounds like it is time to go find a nice GF.  

[Bunjy]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She's been like this for roughly one half of your relationship.  The honeymoon phase is over.  This is who she is.  Sounds like it is time to go find a nice GF.  

Totally agree.  I do suspect Im putting up with a lot more than I should be because I really want to make it work as Im not getting any younger.

If this had of happened 10 years ago I would have been off like a shot but in my age Im a lot more willing to overlook things. Although now Im starting to think this is too much.  Im starting to see why she cant keep hold of a partner.

Edited July 30, 2020 by Bunjy

[d0nnivain]

There are some quirks you can overlook . . . rooting for a team you don't like, light snoring, not putting the cap on the toothpaste. . .. you can get past that.  Being rude & picking fights, just no.  Heck if the only thing she did was criticize your style of dress you could get past that but this is way beyond that.  

[basil67]

Run for the hills.  She’s a mess who will bring you down with her.

[Ruby Slippers]

Mental health issues are no excuse for treating people this way. She can get counseling or medication for that. 

[schlumpy]

If your feelings for her are quite high then it's therapy time for her. The burden of starting over with someone else has to be considered.

She will probably resist if it only comes from you so attempt to an intervention which includes her family and friends.

You can always get in the car and leave.

[Bunjy]

It does seem there are bigger things going on here at her end.  Im always hesitant to attempt to diagnose someone else with mental health problems however there are a number of things that do make me thing there are serious underlying issues.

As Ive said she spends a lot of the time being neurotic over her appearance (I do get people can be this way and to some extent its normal) much more so than anyone Ive ever been with before.  She has apologised to me numerous times in the past for 'looking a mess' (she never looks a mess, quite the opposite).  We have been out in public before and she has wanted to go home because she feels 'ugly' or self concious. Generally I think its fair to say she has a very very low opinion of her appearance (which is insane as she is genuinely pretty).

Her obsessive cleaniness is bizarre and often done in a weird panic.  I'll be sitting on the couch in her house whilst shes running around dusting and hovering like a maniac in a panicked state even though she thoroughly cleaned the house the day before.  She wont let me help out with cleaning as I dont meet her standard of cleaning apparently.  Ive been shouted at before for things like folding a towel 'incorrectly' (the pattern on the towel was wrong way apparently).  Its worth pointing out Im a very clean person myself and keep my own house very clean, but this is another level.  Her family members have commented 'shes crazy' in a jokey way about it to me before.

Im not certain but Im pretty sure something has happened to her in the past, whether that be severe bullying or mental health problems.  I have picked up that she has taken anti-depressants before, not that this matters but just something Ive noticed.  She admitted once she 'had a complex'  Shes very guarded in regard to talking about emotional stuff and it upsets her easily.

There is no way in hell I could even suggest she seek help.  She is very dismissive of mental health problems and generally has a very negative view of people with mental health problems, Ive mentioned how my friend was getting therapy and it was really helping him, she commented 'therapy is for losers'.  I do think this may be a defense mechanism. She puts a face on as much as possible and maintains she is a positive person but all Im seeing is a negative ball of stress and anxiety.

I do genuinely think she puts a front up and wants to appear a strong, happy person but the reality seems to be at odds with this as she seems far from happy and constantly complains.

I should add for all this negativity she does have a sweet and caring side.  She can be very nice when she wants to be and I dont think she is a malicious person I just think her life is panning out how she thought it would and she is struggling with things.  I really dont know what to do as I do have feelings for her and kinda feel like I dont want to give it up.  However she will not be receptive in any way to any sort of suggestions for help.  Her family/friends wont be interested either as they have their own problems and she tends to react badly with family/friends.  Short of her having a full blown breakdown (which Id say is unlikely) nothing will get done.

I do feel very sorry for her as Im not sure she realises how badly she treats me and others at times.  I kinda dont want to give up on her but all I can see is problems after problems with no solutions in sight.

Edited July 31, 2020 by Bunjy

[Bunjy]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Run for the hills.  She’s a mess who will bring you down with her.

Sadly this is looking like the only viable option now.  Its started to make me feel low having to deal with her constant criticism and bad attitude.  She keeps trying to undermine my own self esteem by criticizing everything I do.

[Gaeta]

I stopped reading at her calling you incompetant. Mental illness or not this person is on a destructive path and life it way too short to waste it on a partner like her. 

[notbroken]

I doubt it will get better with time.  Expect more of the same.  Run!

[Snow_Queen]

It sounds like she’s addicted to drama. She’s also emotionally abusive. You’re right to reconsideration your relationship. I suspect it will only get worse. At least she showed you her true self early enough to not waste more time.

[Ruby Slippers]

3 hours ago, Bunjy said:

I should add for all this negativity she does have a sweet and caring side. 

Almost everybody does. If she won't go to counseling for her obvious issues, you can't work with this situation. I would make it a condition for continuing to be with her.

[snowcones]

I have an 81 year old family member who is like this.  Don't be the poor sap who gets stuck with her.  Run now!

[Redhead14]

19 hours ago, Bunjy said:

I recently discovered that she has been left by the last three relationships she has had.

She isn't going to change for you or anyone else.  History is repeating itself.  You will find yourself drained/exhausted by this relationship more and more as time goes by.  End it now for both of you. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 7/30/2020 at 2:32 PM, Bunjy said:

Girlfriend is being nasty to me a lot, should I break up with her

 

I am going to consult for you, the Spongebob Magic 8-ball: 

 

 

(it said) 

 

"OH Barnacles"

 

 

[mrs rubble]

Have you called her out on her behaviour? Do you tell her when she criticizes you that you're not going to tolerate her nastiness, that's where I'd start. When she back stabs her friend, tell her not to be nasty, ask her if she'd say that to her face. Tell her that these behaviours are turning you off her. If that doesn't work, dump her. Life's too short to be miserable.

[ShyViolet]

On 7/30/2020 at 5:45 PM, Bunjy said:

Totally agree.  I do suspect Im putting up with a lot more than I should be because I really want to make it work as Im not getting any younger.

 

You're not getting any younger.... this is precisely why you need to end this relationship immediately.  Do you honestly see yourself staying with this person and putting up with this the rest of your life?  It will only get worse as time goes on.  This relationship is going to end sooner or later.... it just sounds joyless and miserable.  So it makes sense to end it now, so you can move on and get yourself another relationship that actually makes you happy.

[Bunjy]

17 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

It sounds like she’s addicted to drama. She’s also emotionally abusive. You’re right to reconsideration your relationship. I suspect it will only get worse. At least she showed you her true self early enough to not waste more time.

Ive considered if this actual emotional abuse.  Im a confident self assured guy and pretty sure if I was a less so Id be a nervous wreck by her behaviour which leads me to conclude she is emotionally abusive to some extent.  She certainly uses manipulation and gaslighting to justify unacceptable behaviour.

Often Im left wondering if I am the problem after she has been nasty.
 

[Bunjy]

7 hours ago, mrs rubble said:

Have you called her out on her behaviour? Do you tell her when she criticizes you that you're not going to tolerate her nastiness, that's where I'd start. When she back stabs her friend, tell her not to be nasty, ask her if she'd say that to her face. Tell her that these behaviours are turning you off her. If that doesn't work, dump her. Life's too short to be miserable.

Yes repeatedly. 

When I think back to how things ended up like this, it started in subtle ways at first e.g. criticising me in small irrelevant ways.  I would let things slide and put it down to her being stressed or tired or whatever.  Gradually over a period of a couple of months it has now progressed to the point where she acts in a completely rude and nasty way.

Past month or so I have started calling her out more and more, usually she uses an argument along the lines of saying "Well thats my opinion and this is what I think".  Kinda like justifies her nastiness.  Shes quite clever at being outright nasty and doing it quickly and directly and making it seem like it is acceptable and normal behavior.  Sometimes Im left wondering what the heck has just happened then a hour or so later will process what has occured.

Ive told her I wont tolerate this much longer.  She justifies her behaviour and I end up walking away, she them comes to me with declarations of love and adoration and the process starts all over again.  Difference is now Im starting to genuinely dislike being around her.

She cant handle any sort of criticism or constructive attempts to deal with the situation and just blames me.  She often acts like Im not enough for her for reasons XYZ and uses these reasons to justify her nastiness.  Shes very good at making it seem like she is not being rude/nasty/disrespectful and is just passing a comment on the situation (when in fact she is clearly being rude and nasty).

Ive never come across someone like this in my romantic life before and its quite confusing and a strange experience.  In all honesty it does seem like she has some major issues going on which are becoming more and more obvious.  She's barely slept all week (a common occurance) and is an anxious mess.  I do feel sorry for her but shes in complete denial that she has any sort of problems and is becoming intolerable to be around.  It does feel like she has issues with interpersonal relationships and if its not me getting the brunt of her behaviour it will be someone else.

Ive generally been supportive and tried my best over these past couple of months but her behaviour is getting worse and worse and its starting to effect me in a very negative way.

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by Bunjy

[La.Primavera]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Honestly, I don't think she is happy in this relationship, but rather than facing it and dealing with it, she takes out her frustrations on you.  In a way, you are being punished for not being the person she wants.  That's not a slight on you, just the reality that this isn't a good match.

My concern would be that you both want to settle down so much that you'll overlook these issues and end up in an unhappy marriage, where she will become more bitter and nasty towards you, and you will become resentful and beaten down over time.

You need to decide if it is worth the risk to your future.

[snowboy91]

3 hours ago, Bunjy said:

Past month or so I have started calling her out more and more, usually she uses an argument along the lines of saying "Well thats my opinion and this is what I think".  Kinda like justifies her nastiness.

 

She's free to have her opinion. But, at the same time, you are free to decide whether you want to put up with it or not. The whole point of a relationship is for you to enjoy the other person's company. If her company is not enjoyable despite attempts to make it so, I don't see anything wrong with deciding with your feet.

[dangerous]

On 7/31/2020 at 12:26 PM, Bunjy said:

Sadly this is looking like the only viable option now.  Its started to make me feel low having to deal with her constant criticism and bad attitude.  She keeps trying to undermine my own self esteem by criticizing everything I do.

Yes this is toxic, you need to get out. I understand she is sweet too, otherwise you would not be into her! This is the way it will be from now on: mood swings between horrible and blissful. Like many on here, before you, i have been through this (3 years) and it didn't change. NEXT...

Edited August 1, 2020 by dangerous

[mrs rubble]

It really sounds like you're not getting much joy from the relationship, time to let it go.