Girlfriend is being nasty to me a lot, should I break up with her

[basil67]

@Bunjy I understand you taking time to consider the situation before quickly ditching her.    Ask yourself this:  Is this the type of relationship I want to see myself in in 10 years time?

[alphamale]

On 7/31/2020 at 12:45 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

Mental health issues are no excuse for treating people this way. She can get counseling or medication for that. 

yes

[Trail Blazer]

Get out while you still can, bro! 

It isn't going to get better from here.  If she's unwilling to address her toxic behavior after you've repeatedly called her out on, then honestly what hope is there?

[S2B]

People show their BEST behavior in the beginning of a relationship.

its only going to get worse since this is her best behavior.

[Bunjy]

OK so I ended it.

Things came to a head today.  I figured I would see how this weekend went before making any major decision regarding this relationship.  She said something nasty and hurtful today for no real reason, I pulled her up on it (in a calm way) and she basically attempted to justify it. 

I realised once and for all that this girl doesnt know how to treat people (least of all a partner) in a respectful way.  I ended it there and then in a respectful and courteous way.  There was no big arguement or anything I just left told her I want out and left shortly afterwards.

I do expect she will attempt to sort it out but im 99% sure I want nothing more to do with her.  This relationship has undermined my self esteem, got me to doubt myself at times and generally not been great for my emotional wellbeing.

Yeah.  Im saddened at my age that a relationship has gone south but I do feel I genuinely tried my absolute best to make it work and was as understanding as I could be.

I do feel that there where early red flags that I missed which should have alerted me to what was to come but hey ho its done now.  I feel relieved and glad I made my decision.

When we first started dating I couldnt fathom why an attractive apparently well rounded girl had been dumped 4 months prior for no real reason (she told me after 6 months he just started becoming distant and left) now I fully understand.  In all my years dating and having relationships I have never come across a person so disrespectful and inconsiderate of others feelings. 

[basil67]

Good for you Bunjy.  

[alphamale]

2 hours ago, Bunjy said:

OK so I ended it.

good for you...now you can move on with your life

[S2B]

 

it will be better if you make sure it stays ended.

Edited August 3, 2020 by S2B

[S2B]

13 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I met a woman on a job that was just like this. She was all sweet at first but as soon as you did something that irritated her, which was basically everything, she would quickly insult you for it. She was angry every day at someone else at work, all for no reason whatsoever. If you called her out on it, she claimed that was her personality since she was from New York. No, she's just a b**ch. Good for you to get away from this one. 

It’s a power move to try and get the upper hand on people. It really sucks, honestly.

[Springsummer]

Oh my gosh, you are extremely desperate. 

I hate hate people who criticize me. It is like my worst nightmare. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than with someone who puts me down constantly.

[Fox Sake]

On 7/30/2020 at 10:32 PM, Bunjy said:

Hello all.  First time poster long time lurker here.

Anyway I'll get right into it.  So 8 months ago I met a girl through online dating.  We hit it off quickly and started dating regularly.  As we're both in our late 30's we didn't waste any time and became exclusive after a month of dating.  Everything was going great, we have similar interests, she's intelligent and we have a lot of fun together.

Now after about 4/5 months I started to notice a change in her attitude towards me (or maybe it was always there and I only just noticed it).  She suddenly started being rude and arguementative with me on a regular basis.  This has been going on for about 2 months now and its starting to wear me down.  Some examples:

She will often pick a fight for absolutely no reason at all when Ive done nothing at all and seems to create problems constantly for no real reason.  This isn't just on occasion but seems to be weekly or more now.

She nags at me constantly  things like the way I walk up the stairs (confused) and generally seems to think I need 'be told' how to do things.

She calls me incompetent and seems to think I cannot do everyday simple tasks (e.g. grocery shopping or ordering a take out).  I have  never been called incompetent by anyone before in my entire life so find it bizarre she would say that.

She criticises what I wear regularly and often complains she doesn't like what I wear.  This is odd as at the start of the relationship she mentioned I was well dressed.  For what its worth I do dress as best as a I can and try to be smart (again Ive never had anyone criticise my how I dress before, infact quite the opposite). Even when we are dressing up nice to go on a night out she will take issue with something Im wearing.

She generally complains about lots of things I do - sometimes I feel she may complain about me breathing as it seems everything I do irritates her.

She can be very passive aggressive and makes comments towards me at times that are just nasty and uncalled for.

She disregards my hobbies e.g. I like to go fishing once a month and she often comments its 'for old men'.  This isn't in a banter jokey way its often said with apparent malice or to hurt my feelings.  She also criticises the fact I like art and has commented its 'stupid'.

Whenever I make an effort to do something nice for her (e.g. take her for a nice romantic meal) she will find something to complain about and generally show a bad attitude.

As you can imagine this is becoming very difficult and Im starting to feel like she is unpleasant to be around.  Im no doormat and do stick up for myself but that invariably leads to an argument.  She seems to be starting arguments constantly whilst Im generally pretty chilled out.  Its really unsettling me because her bad attitude aside everything else is great and we have a good time doing nice things.

Also at the risk of being a pop psychologist I think its worth noting a few things Ive noticed.  She is not just like this with me and seems to be constantly having issues with the people in her life such as her sister, mum, best friends, work colleagues.  Weekly there seems to be some drama or issues between her and someone in her friend/work/family circle.  She is very negative towards her best friend (behind her back) and constantly has negative things to say about her.  I have also noticed she seems to be obsessively OCD over certain things and can appear very anxious at times whilst constantly cleaning her house to an obsessive level often when things are already spotless.  She definetly seems to have some control issues going on and cannot cope when she feels the situation is out of her control.  Whenever we've have had a fight and I take some time out to cool off she will come running to me with declarations of love and how much she loves me.  She seems to handle any sort of rejection really badly (even when its just say a day without us talking).  In general she has always been quite needy throughout the relationship.  Also worth noting she seems to have very low self esteem and has commented lots how she sees herself as 'disgusting', she spends a lot of time and money on her appearance and is a very pretty girl.  She also insanely jealous and seems to think Im going to run off with any girl who even looks at me.

Ive found myself in the unfortunate circumstance where Im considering breaking up with her.  What do you all think?  Ive never experienced a relationship like this before and I admit Im overlooking a lot because I really want things to work as Im not getting any younger. On the other hand Ive walked away from a lot less in previous relationships.  Its worth pointing out that generally I think Im quite a good boyfriend and do my best to make things work.  Im certainly no pushover but wise enough to know when to let things lie.  

I recently discovered that she has been left by the last three relationships she has had.  Now don't get me wrong she can be very nice at times but her nasty side is unlike anything Ive ever experienced in a partner before and its becoming more and more apparent.  I do feel she is generally an unhappy person (she is so negative about everything) but she herself doesn't seem to realise this and maintains she is happy.  It almost feels like she is actively trying to bring my self esteem down (through nasty comments and behaviour) and resents the fact Im generally a well adjusted and secure about myself.

P.S. Whenever I have tried confronting the issues and sensitively talking through any problems she gets very defensive and often shouts/screams this unsettles me as Im not a confrontational person at all.  She will often project and be passive aggressive blocking any chance of us reaching an understanding.

 

There’s nothing that will bring you down more in life, than someone who doesn’t respect you or treat you the way you want to be treated in a relationship. 
Your thread resonates with me because I have experienced the same thing before now with someone. 
It’s exhausting and will only make you question yourself. These comments are designed to suck the power out of you and transfer it to the other person. Before long you’ll be stressed out and losing weight (or gaining it), questioning yourself own mindset and decisions. 

If someone can’t take you for everything you are , faults and all and still see the bigger picture then this person isn’t for you.  
 

The very reason you’re comfortable in yourself is the reason this person does that. Whether it’s because of jealousy , or just because they aren’t as comfortable in their own skin as you are. She sounds like she thinks she’s smarter than you but isn’t, and wants to take control of you to bring you down. Your assumption of her her trying to actively bring you down and resents you’re mindset is spot on as far as I’m concerned. People like that generally won’t ever be happy and need someone stronger than them - which usually ends up with them in a toxic relationship because the people who don’t take any s*** have their own issues. 
 

Don’t make yourself a door mat to this kind of behaviour any longer. You realise it’s unhealthy for you so be the man, do the right thing and find someone who will treat you with the mutual respect you deserve.