Not Found Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 I'm 22 and very shy with guys. Ironically, I'm always mad when a guy doesn't respond back to me yet I'll never feel guilty for not replying back to them for more than 24-48 hours? I think they'll assume I'm clingy and easy if I respond back quickly or initiate a lot of interest. Most guys I've known initially say they find my shyness attractive but then start complaining that I'm too too reserved. They like to think I'm teasing them or playing games but in reality, I'm just scared and indecisive. Guys always misinterpret this as me being disinterested. Despite being busy or extremely occupied, I'll still want to hang out, call, or text here and there but there's always that gut feeling that says "play hard to get" because other women always advise me to do this. They say it's better than showing full blown interest. I think I'll either just become asexual and stop talking to guys entirely unless I meet one I can fully be myself with. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2020 Share Posted July 30, 2020 some guys you have to be more aggressive with. some guys (the more confident) ones you can be more passive with. send the right signals to the right guy Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 Woman here. Only children play games with other people. By the time you’re dealing with adults, you should have an idea of what you want and be straight forward with who you are and what you think. Your description of how you play hard to get, are lazy answering calls but demanding in wanting men to be attentive to you combined with being scared and indecisive will indeed be a turn off to many men. Don’t quit dating. Instead, work on your maturity. Figure out what you want, avoid games and be the best version of yourself 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Not Found Posted July 31, 2020 Author Share Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, basil67 said: Woman here. Only children play games with other people. By the time you’re dealing with adults, you should have an idea of what you want and be straight forward with who you are and what you think. Your description of how you play hard to get, are lazy answering calls but demanding in wanting men to be attentive to you combined with being scared and indecisive will indeed be a turn off to many men. Don’t quit dating. Instead, work on your maturity. Figure out what you want, avoid games and be the best version of yourself Wow, I really needed to hear this. Thank you for being honest! I'm noticing a negative pattern when I combine playing hard to get with my shyness. It ruins their impression of me before I'm even able to come out if my shell. I still want to be mysterious but I'm going try to be more mature with my interactions with guys. Especially older because I actually prefer men in their 30s. The ones I've previously known would always think I didn't like them because of this personal insecurity. But I'm going to start working on my confidence. Edited July 31, 2020 by UrbanOutfitters Link to post Share on other sites
Author Not Found Posted July 31, 2020 Author Share Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, alphamale said: some guys you have to be more aggressive with. some guys (the more confident) ones you can be more passive with. send the right signals to the right guy Yep, the first is more true for shy/introverted/laidback guys like myself. They just stare, smile, say hi, but never fully approach. I prefer these types but I personally hate feeling like I have to initiate more than them. The extroverted can be too aggressive sometimes. Edited July 31, 2020 by UrbanOutfitters Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 Why do you want to be mysterious? How about being yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) Don't "play" hard to get. Be hard to get. If you are busy, be busy but combine that with kindness & responsiveness. Don't play games around getting back to someone. You don't have to drop everything you are doing to respond to a text but you should not artificially delay responding. When I first met my husband I had just started a business; I had a part-time job; I served on 3 boards of trustees; I was working toward becoming President of a large statewide organization; and I was the caregiver to my aging parents. In short I did not have a lot of free time. When it took a few tries to select a date / time for a date, I wasn't being coy. My schedule was full. I liked my husband so we worked together to find mutually convenient times. Clingy is attaching yourself to a new someone like you can't function without them, even though you just met them. Confident is reaching out because you like them & would enjoy hearing their voice or interacting with them. Being "mysterious" isn't about game playing. It's about not dumping every single fear, flaw or worry onto a new person shortly after meeting them. You don't have to reveal everything up front. Be more of an onion. Tell superficial things initially -- favorite color, favorite song, favorite movie. Work up to how you came to enjoy a particular hobby. Save stuff like biggest fear or insecurity for several months in after you are committed & the relationship is more secure. In essence, keep your own counsel; don't rely on some new person to make decisions for you. Be circumspect about the subjects where you ask for his input. It's OK to be shy but it's not OK to use your shyness as an excuse to be rude. Edited July 31, 2020 by d0nnivain 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2020 Share Posted July 31, 2020 There are a lot of assertive women these days so you will have to step it up or get passed over or should I say ran over. LOL. Shyness doesn't seem to be working these days for men or women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 On 7/31/2020 at 8:38 AM, UrbanOutfitters said: Most guys I've known initially say they find my shyness attractive but then start complaining that I'm too too reserved. They like to think I'm teasing them or playing games but in reality, I'm just scared and indecisive. Guys always misinterpret this as me being disinterested. Guy here. Someone who is shy may seem like a bit of a mystery to find out at first, but if we feel we're not making any progress with trying to get to know you, it's natural we are going to feel like you're disinterested. To me, "interested" only becomes "clingy" when you won't leave them alone after they've told you to do so. Anything up to that is fair game. Also think of it this way - if you found a nice guy you wanted to date, you'll be kicking yourself for not putting in the effort and letting him get away. Your actions are within your control, so go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 Playing games like "hard to get" is a deal breaker. So is pulling teeth to have a conversation. Try to improve your self confidence. Relax be yourself and try to enjoy dating. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 Not at all , they can be far far more special with far more depth and l often find far more sex appeal than the out going talk talk talk laughing 24 7 types . Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 On 7/30/2020 at 11:38 PM, UrbanOutfitters said: I'm 22 and very shy with guys. Ironically, I'm always mad when a guy doesn't respond back to me yet I'll never feel guilty for not replying back to them for more than 24-48 hours? I think they'll assume I'm clingy and easy if I respond back quickly or initiate a lot of interest. Depends on the guy. I'm an extrovert. I am attracted to women who are just like me. There's nothing more sexy to me than a woman who doesn't feel intimidated and just goes up to me and introduces herself, and flirts with me. There was a woman back in my college days that would always stop and stare at me. This wasn't a matter of finding her to be unattractive. She was pretty cute and fit, but her low self-esteem and her lack of confindence in herself turned me off, and it took her 4 years to finally find the guts to come up to me and say hi and introduce herself. On 7/30/2020 at 11:38 PM, UrbanOutfitters said: Most guys I've known initially say they find my shyness attractive but then start complaining that I'm too too reserved. They like to think I'm teasing them or playing games but in reality, I'm just scared and indecisive. Guys always misinterpret this as me being disinterested. Yes, it's the same with me. I assume the shyness is her way of telling me she isn't interested in me. If she isn't asking for my phone number/initiating text messages/voice calls, if she isn't asking me out, if she isn't flirting with me - I just assume she sees me as a friend and I won't pursue her. On 7/30/2020 at 11:38 PM, UrbanOutfitters said: Despite being busy or extremely occupied, I'll still want to hang out, call, or text here and there but there's always that gut feeling that says "play hard to get" because other women always advise me to do this. They say it's better than showing full blown interest. I think I'll either just become asexual and stop talking to guys entirely unless I meet one I can fully be myself with. Nah, trust me. If you play hard to get we'll just be gone. Gone With The Wind is how you're gonna feel after you start playing to get with us. Many years ago I was interested in sleeping with this woman. She would play hard to get by telling me ''oh, this and that guy approached me today and asked me out,'' and '' I slept with these many guys,''' apparently bragging about it, and she would always wait for me to call her on the phone. So one day, I just deleted her number, and I never called her again. There's no reason to give up on men. You sound young. No one's expecting you to be a Cleopatra at the age of 18. Just talk to guys. You'll meet tons of guys throughout your life and you'll feel more and more ease around the guys you like, and eventually you'll find someone who matches well with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 (edited) "do guys like or dislike shy girls?" I liked shy girls back in my day. Guys can be shy too. I was shy myself when I was young, but back then there was no internet so we met girls at bars and a little liquid courage helped me. I dated both introverts and extroverts. When two introverts get together it can be a little quiet at first, but once you get to know each other it's all good. Like people have said, be yourself, don't play games. Still, by being shy you still have to put yourself out there. I married a shy girl and we've been together for decades. Approach a shy guy. It may be the best move you'll ever make. Sometimes in dating life you have to act and not just react. Edited August 5, 2020 by Piddy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 On 7/30/2020 at 3:38 PM, UrbanOutfitters said: I'm 22 and very shy with guys. Ironically, I'm always mad when a guy doesn't respond back to me yet I'll never feel guilty for not replying back to them for more than 24-48 hours? I think they'll assume I'm clingy and easy if I respond back quickly or initiate a lot of interest. Most guys I've known initially say they find my shyness attractive but then start complaining that I'm too too reserved. They like to think I'm teasing them or playing games but in reality, I'm just scared and indecisive. Guys always misinterpret this as me being disinterested. Despite being busy or extremely occupied, I'll still want to hang out, call, or text here and there but there's always that gut feeling that says "play hard to get" because other women always advise me to do this. They say it's better than showing full blown interest. I think I'll either just become asexual and stop talking to guys entirely unless I meet one I can fully be myself with. Mating is mostly about meeting lots of people. If you're shy, you just need to meet even more people in order to encounter one who will (be more direct, to offset your unlikely directness). You don't want to be the person nit-picking at her own personality while standing at home looking in the mirror with nobody around. Meeting more and more people is the key. (sitting on Loveshack and analyzing your personality is similarly unhelpful in this widespread scenario of people being merely 'shy' ) (esp. when at the expense of being out and meeting people) (* though that may not apply as smoothly in Covid times) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Not Found Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Mating is mostly about meeting lots of people. If you're shy, you just need to meet even more people in order to encounter one who will (be more direct, to offset your unlikely directness). You don't want to be the person nit-picking at her own personality while standing at home looking in the mirror with nobody around. Meeting more and more people is the key. (sitting on Loveshack and analyzing your personality is similarly unhelpful in this widespread scenario of people being merely 'shy' ) (esp. when at the expense of being out and meeting people) (* though that may not apply as smoothly in Covid times) Right, because I sit on this site day in and day out when I only made one official post asking for different perspectives and advice🤣🤣 Whatever. I already met a lot of people prior to the covid. I'm just not entertaining multiple dudes left from right because I don't like that much attention from them. I only want attention from one guy yet every time one comes along, they misinterpret my shyness for disinterest. It's not like I can physically date and be intimate with one now. Quote Edited August 6, 2020 by UrbanOutfitters Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 5 minutes ago, UrbanOutfitters said: I only want attention from one guy yet every time one comes along, they misinterpret my shyness for disinterest. It's not like I can physically date and be intimate with one now. Couple of thoughts here. There are two things which would make a person feel their partner had a lack of interest. 1. being tardy with contact (you know this applies to you, so this is an easy fix). The other thing is your conversation. Do you show interest in the person you're dating? Ask questions, get to know them and say you're looking forward to seeing them again. If you've been seeing someone for a while, do you take initiative in suggesting dates? Regarding COVID, if you can't physically date right now, then it's smart to not bother trying to date till it's safe. Otherwise, you're just spinning your wheels. Take this time to reassess what you're doing and which bits you could do differently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Not Found Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Couple of thoughts here. There are two things which would make a person feel their partner had a lack of interest. 1. being tardy with contact (you know this applies to you, so this is an easy fix). The other thing is your conversation. Do you show interest in the person you're dating? Ask questions, get to know them and say you're looking forward to seeing them again. If you've been seeing someone for a while, do you take initiative in suggesting dates? Regarding COVID, if you can't physically date right now, then it's smart to not bother trying to date till it's safe. Otherwise, you're just spinning your wheels. Take this time to reassess what you're doing and which bits you could do differently. I always ask questions while hanging out and getting to know them. I'm just not always consistent on following up with them after dates or intiate plans. I naturally expect them to contact me first. I've approached guys in the past and while it did work, they'd still complain about my shy and reserved body language than our actual conversations. I'm not entirely focused on dating due to the pandemic so I'll just use this time to work on my confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 Just to confirm, have you been told by more than one man that they are ending it due to lack of interest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Not Found Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 28 minutes ago, basil67 said: Just to confirm, have you been told by more than one man that they are ending it due to lack of interest? Well my ex did complain about it before our breakup so yes. I'm not saying I'm not entirely at fault though. I know I have to work on being less reserved and expecting the guy to do all of the work in the initial stages or general relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Not Found Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) On 7/31/2020 at 6:19 AM, d0nnivain said: Don't "play" hard to get. Be hard to get. If you are busy, be busy but combine that with kindness & responsiveness. Don't play games around getting back to someone. You don't have to drop everything you are doing to respond to a text but you should not artificially delay responding. When I first met my husband I had just started a business; I had a part-time job; I served on 3 boards of trustees; I was working toward becoming President of a large statewide organization; and I was the caregiver to my aging parents. In short I did not have a lot of free time. When it took a few tries to select a date / time for a date, I wasn't being coy. My schedule was full. I liked my husband so we worked together to find mutually convenient times. Clingy is attaching yourself to a new someone like you can't function without them, even though you just met them. Confident is reaching out because you like them & would enjoy hearing their voice or interacting with them. Being "mysterious" isn't about game playing. It's about not dumping every single fear, flaw or worry onto a new person shortly after meeting them. You don't have to reveal everything up front. Be more of an onion. Tell superficial things initially -- favorite color, favorite song, favorite movie. Work up to how you came to enjoy a particular hobby. Save stuff like biggest fear or insecurity for several months in after you are committed & the relationship is more secure. In essence, keep your own counsel; don't rely on some new person to make decisions for you. Be circumspect about the subjects where you ask for his input. It's OK to be shy but it's not OK to use your shyness as an excuse to be rude. I hate to say this but I think guys are the ones who are more clingy with me than vice versa. I've had guys that were automatically attached to me in less than a month of knowing each other. So I guess they were intrigued from my shyness and introversion but I could be wrong. I will say that I'm insecure when it comes to opening up with guys romantically. I had my first infatuation phase with an older guy at 19 and after feeling "heartbroken" from naivety, I started to become emotionally distant whenever new guys would talk to me. It's not intentional but I know its stems from something deeper. Edited August 6, 2020 by UrbanOutfitters Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 14 hours ago, UrbanOutfitters said: I hate to say this but I think guys are the ones who are more clingy with me than vice versa. I've had guys that were automatically attached to me in less than a month of knowing each other. So I guess they were intrigued from my shyness and introversion but I could be wrong. Sounds like you pick clingy guys. Because you are insecure, you mistake their neediness for genuine affection. You think he must like me because he is so clingy. Instead you fail to see that he's clingy for his own reasons & that he's insecure. Those guys probably picked you because they honed in on your shyness & decided that because you were introverted you wouldn't cheat on them or hurt them. They came to be attracted to you because you didn't intimidate them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Not Found Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Sounds like you pick clingy guys. Because you are insecure, you mistake their neediness for genuine affection. You think he must like me because he is so clingy. Instead you fail to see that he's clingy for his own reasons & that he's insecure. Those guys probably picked you because they honed in on your shyness & decided that because you were introverted you wouldn't cheat on them or hurt them. They came to be attracted to you because you didn't intimidate them Far from the truth. I attract all different kinds of guys. I actually hate guys who are clingy because I have other things and people to engage and occupy myself with. The last thing I've ever found attractive was a guy hitting me up several times a day or going crazy if I don't respond to their text or spend more than 2 hours with them. I'm only insecure because of my general shyness around guys versus other people. I'm very confident and outgoing with the rest of my female peers but I become so quiet and awkward when guys stare, approach, or talk to me. Guys friends don't count in this case because we typically bond through similar interests, hobbies, and there's no deeper attraction I have for them. I will say I need to be cautious at times because some guys can mistake my shyness for weakness. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but whenever I sense a guy is trying to use me, I stand up for myself. Edited August 6, 2020 by UrbanOutfitters Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 Guys like sexy/good looking women...They can be shy, extroverted, stupid, smart, broke, rich, etc..etc...🤣 TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 I say skip all the shyness. Your dating life as described here has nothing to do with shyness. What you're describing is being willfully distant and unresponsive. That's not shy. A shy person finds someone interesting to them--they'll return the call fast. A shy person finding someone they trust to talk to ... can talk up a storm. You are distant ... and you admit, "indecisive." Well there's your problem there. Half, more than half, of successful dating is figuring out who you like and then taking a step to show interest in them. And you can show interest in all kinds of "non-clingy" ways. Listening with interest to someone talking ... shows interest ... replying to what someone is saying with your own interesting comment ... shows interest. Smiling at someone can be a show of interest. And all of these are small steps and many are almost unnoticeable so you won't get accused of being clingy. There is no such thing as appearing clingy. Clingy means you truly have no life and you are clinging to another person like oxygen, like you cannot live a moment without them. Showing interest is not clingy. Which brings me back to the point that your dating life as you describe it has nothing to do with shyness. What you are describing is insecurity and also hiding. You are hiding from people--that's different from being shy. The most extroverted people in the world experience moments of nervousness and anxiety. But they push forward when they are interested. Trust me: being mysterious (whatever the eff that means) quickly loses its "mystery" when a guy discovers that someone is simply unknowable and unresponsive. Again, you're confusing hiding and being distant--with being "mysterious" in the sexy sense. No, mysterious people express themselves, it's just that they have unique views and perspectives and they don't share EVERYTHING! But we have to know people in order to date them. "Mysterious" as you describe simply means unapproachable, so the guy says, "I'll leave her alone. I have no idea what's going on with her." And he'll give you and your mysteriousness not one more thought in his life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 (edited) From what your most recent posts describe, it's not that you are shy with men, it's that you are wary and standoffish. You're not confident that you won't survive another heartbreak, so you're protecting yourself by not opening up. This stems from a lack of confidence in your own resilience should a breakup happen again. Do a bit of research in building resilience. Edited August 9, 2020 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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