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Safely cutting ties with toxic colleague


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I am a female lawyer, and I have a colleague who has long been very toxic.  She is also a lawyer in this community, in the same practice area.  Unlike me, she is a sole practitioner.  She is about 15 or 20 years older than I am.  People describer her as "tough" and "fierce," and she's also a pretty angry person with some past trauma.  I am-- for better or worse-- a gentle person by nature.  This friend came on to me very strong when I was a law student.  That was some 15 years ago.  

She has long been pretty toxic and abusive toward me, but also says she "loves" me.  (I do not talk like that to my friends.) 

 

I won't detail all the toxic friend behavior (like, telling me I am a "narcissist" if I miss even one phone call from her because I am parenting-- I'm a single parent-- and I call her the next morning).  I try not to talk to her in the evenings, when she has been drinking, because that's when she is most abusive. 

She also makes very unreasonable asks, then becomes enraged if I decline.  Boundaries are her enemy.

She will do this weird thing where she calls me up in the evening when she's been drinking, and then accuses me, out of the blue and with no evidence, of being all the things that she is.  She crosses many lines and complains very angrily if I try to either set any boundary, or just fade our "friendship" to a more casual one.  

She also makes creepy comments about my being "thin and beautiful"-- as if that matters in the legal field (and at my age, in this smallish community, with my very earnest demeanor and nerd areas of practice, I can tell it does not matter at all).  I just feel weird and unprofessional around her-- it's not a good professional friendship.  

Lately, her contact has been more concerning.  She seems to be in the middle of some controversy-- another colleague who worked with her briefly has apparently accused her of ethics violations or worse. 

And it appears my friend is very worried that this former employee has called me up (the person knows me) and has told me all about it.  (But no.)  So, did my friend call me to just as if this was the case?  No.  Instead, she tried to threaten and control me, in case the other person might have called me.

She-- my  toxic friend-- called me last night and for two hours, absolutely grilled me on whether I had "contact with" this mutual colleague.  I have not, but the grilling was very suspicious and cop-style.  She kept saying, "I have been getting feedback that this person has been reaching out to you."  I asked, what feedback?  She wouldn't tell me. And I don't think she believed me when I told her I didn't know anything about any accusation.

She reminded me about a thousand times that she was the gatekeeper of cases, and could refer clients my way---- if she approved of every aspect of my life, because of course in her view, every single thing (right down to how I water my plants) affects my ability to practice law.  It was very controlling, and I kept punting, mentioning that I'd talk to the partners at my firm about case flow; and that I totally do not take it personally if she does not refer cases to me, et c.

She began weirdly asking questions like, "Are you seeing a therapist?  Do you have a support group for parenting?"  and "I'm just concerned about you, sweetie."  With zero basis.  That's what made it creepy.  It was like in a movie, if she was recording only her end of the conversation and then trying to use it as evidence that something was up.

 Then she became threatening, and insinuated (not directly, but super obviously) that she could somehow affect my career by spreading gossip about me.  

 I tow a very straight line professionally, have a solid reputation, and there is no material to work with unless she invents something.  But she seems to think that she can make something of the fact that for a few years I dated a man who turned out to have been cheating on me-- and I even briefly tried to repair it with him because we were friends for a long time before dating.  That was the ONE confidence I ever made to her about personal problems, and boy am I sorry I did, because even that, she seems to think she can "use."  (This boyfriend was otherwise a good guy, longtime friend, and was very good to my son.)  My toxic friend told me that the fact that I dated a "cheater" meant that I was a horrible mom and a "neurotic" or otherwise damaged person.  She makes thinly veiled threats to tell other attorneys that I have some kind of sordid love past,m if I don't do everything the way she wants.  Now, I don't think she could turn any heads by saying, "Ohh, you know [jkrbbtt], she dated a man once who cheated on her." 

 I think she is just grasping at what she can to weaponize our friendship-- this one fact is the only thing I've given her.  I think and she wants to control this situation, where someone made some allegation against her.  I think she sees me as an influential lawyer with a good reputation, and she wants to make sure I don't support the allegation or something.   You see, the colleague who is apparently accusing this friend of wrongdoing is also a friend/ friendly with me.  

But I don't like the threatening behavior.  I want to stay out of all this.  If I see an ethical violation, I report it (as I must).  If I hear rumors, I stay out of it.  

And I think it's also time to cut ties with this "friend."

If I cut ties with her with no explanation, she will surely lash out.  She seems to fear me because she fears what I know.  

She is too toxic for any kind of directly stated boundary to work at all.  I think the boundary has to be with actions.

I am looking for advice on how to safely cut ties with her.  

My only idea is to tell her I am "indisposed" when she calls at night.  And not give her the explanations she demands (and always rejects).  And to only send her interesting legal articles with friendly colleague-style check-ins, every few months or so, like all my other friendly colleagues and I do.

She also has lots of ties in the community-- she is voraciously socially ambitious and a great businesswoman, and makes sure to know everyone of consequence.  (She also makes sure people owe her, wherever possible.)  But I have a very solid reputation myself.  Though I'm far less of a socialite, and I'm a busy parent besides, I know that the legal community sees me as an ethically sound and skilled attorney with candor, professionalism, and a solid work ethic.  Maybe that alone will insulate me from any false gossip, and I am fine to just keep my distance?

 

Edited by jakrbbt
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