My Guy's Old Flames

[Kiz]

Help!

 

I am in my early thirties. I have had a few relationships (all of them bad...abusive...cheaters...etc).

 

I have begun dating a friend (known him for four years). But, we have a problem...he has maintained relationships with his former lovers. His best friend is a former lover;and, the big problem...she's engaged to be married next year;but, she emails him/calls to talk about personal stuff: her experiment with sleeping with two women at once;the fact that ther fiance has sterility problems, etc.

 

My guy says I should not feel threatened by his friendships (including this one). But, I don't feel this particular "best friend" has any boundaries. If she would sleep with two women at once, what's to stop her from trying to get with my guy again? Also, my guy's going to be an usher at her wedding...she calls to update him on wedding plans.

 

He swears he's not interested in her romantically (or any of the others)...it's been twelve years since they were together.

 

But, I can't handle his "intimacy" with this other person.

 

Why isn't ONE person enough for her? What's he getting from her that I'm obviously not giving him?

[Tony T]

1. "If she would sleep with two women at once, what's to stop her from trying to get with my guy again?"

 

There is no logic to this question. Sleeping with two women does not equate to trying with an old boyfriend again just like having two pieces of steak does not prompt one to thaw and eat an old pork chop.

 

Granted, anybody is capable of any kind of behavior but not as a result of the logic advanced above.

 

2. "Why isn't ONE person enough for her?"

 

ONE person is not enough for most normal people. We seek and maintain all sorts of friendships and associations all of our lives. So the two were lovers at one time but the only thing that resulted from that episode was a friendship. He's lucky. For many people, the only result is the shaft.

 

3. "What's he getting from her that I'm obviously not giving him?"

 

If you think you can be all things to your guy to the elimination of every other contact he has on the planet, you've got problems. While you should certainly be the most significant person in the world to him, it is very healthy for him to maintain friendships with other people, male and female.

 

Now, I do understand your concern here. However, if you really don't trust your guy enough that you would think he would renew a fling with an ex lover, stop dating him. It seems he's not going to drop this friend on your insistance and neither should he.

 

Your distrust of him largely stems from the past screwings you've received from guys...but your present bf is not responsible for that and should pay no consequences.

 

If you really don't feel comfortable with this situation, again, stop seeing the guy and move on. You really have no right to tell him who he can talk to and who he can't. But you have an absolute right to your feelings. So the cure is to get him out of your life if you can't handle it.