On and Off. Dumped Again

[andrem11]

My (27M) now ex girlfriend (23F) and I started seeing each other in July of 2018 and officially started dating in January of 2019.  Since last May, I have been dumped by her 4 times that I can remember.  This most recent dumping was done earlier today.  Over the past three or so weeks, the ex girlfriend had been very moody.  Three weekends ago, the ex girlfriends ex boyfriend (4 years ago) had reached out to her.  This encounter caused some old feelings to resurface for her and last Sunday she had mentioned that was why she had been acting weird.  At one point I had asked her if she was acting weird because she was worried she might want to get back together with the ex boyfriend and she had said "Maybe".  We got into a fight following this, but it seemed like we were going to work it out like adults.  Then, yesterday she ignored me all day and finally today she sent me a text message saying she was breaking up with me.  There were various vague reasons for the breakup and she refused to answer me or talk in person and i'm now blocked.  She claims she is not going back to her ex boyfriend (I believe her, the guy has a lot of baggage and she understands that he does). Some of the reasons included "some things missing in the relationship", "hard to see a future together", "just biding our time", "feelings for her ex meant that there are things important to her that are missing in the relationship".  

This girl had dumped me back in March and 2 weeks later, we ended up reconciling and things seemed to be going well.  She was going to therapy for what we agreed might be commitment issues and ever since she has been going to therapy, the relationship seemed to be a lot more stable.  However, now i'm back in that dark place of being dumped.  She has a tendency to shut off and ignore me when she's feeling really distressed and overwhelmed by her emotions.

I'm not sure what i'm looking to get out of this post.  I'm extremely upset and hurt. I have been extremely supportive and patient with this girl, and for the first time in my life I would say that what I felt towards her is true love.  It is not a passionate feeling, but one of contentedness and unconditional support.  I care about this girl a lot, and when she's not exhibiting her avoidant behaviors, I am really happy in the relationship.  I know that from an outsider's perspective, this relationship probably doesn't look healthy.   It's a bad situation to be in, knowing that she might come back after she cools down.  The rational part of me knows that this on off cycle is having a negative effect on my life.  The emotional part of me wants to stick with her until she works through this.  I also can't rule out that she will not come back this time.  Out of all the breakups, this is the one where she has outright refused to talk in person.

I'm just feeling lost and don't know what to do anymore. 

[Maldives]

Hopefully she does you a favour this time and doesn't come back not good especially her being the one breaking up each time. I know it's hard but try and push back if she comes back and be done with her. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that . Use the time for reflection about what you really want.

She doesn't seem to be in love with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to let go of her, man. 

This is too unstable to have a happy ending, and her feelings for you are not where they need to be to maintain a relationship. 

[Mystery4u]

You need to accept that you are not meant to be, and quite clearly, not compatible. A healthy relationship does not have so many break ups and make ups.

If it's like this after only 1 year, it's not going to get any better. Let her go and find someone more compatible.

[andrem11]

UPDATE 

It's been over three weeks now since I was dumped.  I haven't heard a peep from her and beyond a text/email on August 1st, I haven't attempted to contact her.  The first week I was definitely in shock and I don't think I ate a single thing for days.  Following this initial shock period, I began to get motivated to improve my life and start to turn myself into the best version of myself.  I got busy and accomplished a bunch of stuff I had been putting off.  I barely thought about her that week.  As that excitement and motivation began to wane though,  the longing began to set in and as the weeks continue to pass,  the longing increases.  Our first date was in July, and with the seasons beginning to change, the current weather reminds me of a lot of good times we had in our relationship. Our first dates, the walks with her dog,  the fall activities, the vacations we took.  A lot of times, I miss my old best friend.  The first girl I have ever dated where I felt content just being in her presence and I could truly say I admired her personality and not just her looks.  Other times, I am relieved to not have to deal with the chronic stress and disrespect and chaos she also brought with her.   

I think a lot about why it went wrong.  I was left with a lot of questions following the breakup.  The words she left me with did not provide me with any closure on the situation.  As many people say, closure comes from within, but it is difficult to speculate on what the issues were.  Sometimes I wonder if it was a difference in our lifestyles.  She was 4 years younger than me in still in the phase of her life where drinking and smoking with her friends is a priority.  Over the 2 years we were seeing each other, I never formally met any of her friends.  In all honesty, I don't know if we would have gotten along, but I care/d about her a lot so to me it wasn't an important aspect of the relationship.  I would have attempted to get along with her friends if given the chance although truthfully, the thought of meeting them worried me.  Sometimes I wonder if it was our sex life.  I have premature ejaculation and it is always something that I have been self conscious about.  I tried integrating more mouth/hand/vibrator stuff but she never seemed to be interested.  She had expressed that she had difficulty orgasming and usually sex would end up feeling like a chore for her in past relationships, so it didn't seem to be a huge priority for her, but it still eats away at my self confidence.  Sometimes I wonder if it was our difference in world view.  When she was drunk she once claimed she wouldn't want to raise kid with someone who "believes that stuff".  I consider myself to be politically moderate, however with current events, I have probably immersed myself into politics more than is healthy. I don't think our differences were irreconcilable, but at the end of the day, maybe it was irreconcilable to her.  Maybe it was some past fights we had that she couldn't get over.  Maybe it was commitment issues. I just won't know for a long time, if ever.    A lot of these issues I had always assumed would improve with age or communication.  Our bond and our chemistry were pretty spot on, and I think we could have worked through our issues, but at the end of the day it's not my decision.          

Following reflection on the situation, i've realized that there are a lot of things I can personally improve on.  During our relationship I definitely lost who I was.  I lost many of my hobbies.  One of my main hobbies was weightlifting, but due to injuries and COVID, I just wasn't able to keep doing it.  My friend group had dispersed, and moved to other cities.  I no longer really have a support group in the area.  My family is still here, but they aren't really people that I feel I can talk to about this sort of thing.  I think it's important to have friends outside of the relationship.  I have a really difficult time making friends, and especially during the pandemic it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon.  I had wanted to pick up BJJ to make some friends, but I showed up at the gym and didn't feel safe with the situation due to COVID.  I go to therapy, but that can only help so much.  I feel sad, alone, and isolated.  I know I eventually have to make an effort to go out and make friends, but right now I just haven't felt up to it. I picked up the guitar to learn a hobby, and I enjoy it so far, but it definitely doesn't fill the void i'm feeling in my life right now.  This is an area that I will have to continually work on, and can hopefully address sooner rather than later.  I have begun to try disengaging myself politically.  I realized that I was putting myself in a place where I was letting politics essentially become "rage porn".  I don't think that's something that is healthy. My self esteem, hygiene, the cleanliness of my living space, my fitness, and my diet all took a turn for the worse during the relationship.  In a previous post, I had mentioned an incident last April that caused my mental health to fall off a cliff.  I don't think that I ever 100% recovered from that, but all of these things started to flounder as  many days were just a struggle to make it through the day.  I've since started a new diet regimen and have lost 15 lbs (not all of it was intentional).  I've begun making an effort to brush my teeth 2x a day and have succeeded all days but 1.  I began to clean and rearrange my apartment.  I was doing very well on the cleaning, but at some point I lost steam and have kind of stalled.  My apartment is very small and a bike I had recently gifted her is sitting in the living room.  I don't have the heart to sell it yet, and I unfortunately don't have a place to store it and I think it's presence in my space is part of the issue. I have also begun a running program and I have for the most part been successfully sticking to it.  Depression and OCD have always been things that have been present in my life and they probably always will be.  I continue to get treatment for them and I can only hope that they eventually get better.  She only really ever made a comment on one of those issues, but I personally know that if I saw someone living like that, it wouldn't be a good look in my book. I would support them through it, because I personally know what it's like to be feeling that way, but I could understand someone finding it unattractive. 

My plan going forward is to mostly socially isolate until the end of October.  I want to get in the best shape possible and get a lot of the issues in my life sorted out before I reemerge out into the dating world.  November 1st, if I am feeling up to it, I will try to begin casually dating again.  In both of my past serious relationships,  my ex and I have eventually reconnected and had what I like to call the "post breakup breakdown" in which we end up talking about what happened at the end.  My current ex was a different personality type from the previous two girls, but based on my past history and the way this breakup went down, i'm not counting it out as something that won't happen.  If/when that day does come, I want to be the best version of myself.  I want to be mentally healthy, fit, interesting, and have a solid social life like when we first met.  If I learn from my mistakes and she learns from her mistakes and we end up being able/wanting to work things out, then great. If one or both of us moves on, then it either won't matter, or my self esteem will be at a place where this won't bother me. I'm not using no contact as a way to get my ex back.  Even before we broke up, I legitimately believed that there were serious issues in my life that needed addressing.  Whatever comes from it, comes from it, but at the end of the day I hope to be in a better place in all aspects of my life than I am today.  Even though I am feeling down, a big part of me relishes this opportunity for growth.   

Right now I am feeling depressed, sad and lonely, but I know the only way to get over this is to take it one day at a time.  Build new habits, make new friends, and learn new skills. It's difficult to stay optimistic, but sometimes you just have to trust in the process. 

[Wiseman2]

Once you've processed all this and the dust settles, you'll see that you dodged a bullet.

[Beachead]

On 7/31/2020 at 5:43 PM, andrem11 said:

I'm not sure what i'm looking to get out of this post.  I'm extremely upset and hurt. I have been extremely supportive and patient with this girl, and for the first time in my life I would say that what I felt towards her is true love.  It is not a passionate feeling, but one of contentedness and unconditional support.  I care about this girl a lot, and when she's not exhibiting her avoidant behaviors, I am really happy in the relationship. 

You cared about her and you were invested in your relationship so ofcourse you wanted things to work out.  Problem is, in that state, you only consider the good behaviours when her avoidant, hurtful ones are just as relevant when evaluating who she is and how she was as a partner.  It's not surprising that you are extremely upset and hurt and lost, not knowing what to do anymore..considering how crappy she's been the past few months. Considering her sporadic behaviour, if you two got back together, you'd only feel the anxiety of not knowing if or when she might dump you again, and that affects the way you'll be with her.  This will adversely affect the relationship.  This girl broke your trust and once that's gone, its tough to get it back.  She failed you.  

Good, healthy partners, communicate.  They don't stonewall.   They don't take risks and jeopardize the relationship with the person they care about, because they see a future with the person they care about and they want to realize it together.   Your ex has actually vocalized that she doesn't.  She probably got back together with you, after breaking up the other 3 times, because of separation anxiety from the familiarity and comfort that you provided, rather than a legitimate reason.  Like the others said, you really dodged a bullet.  Don't expect "closure" from a girl who leaves you like that.  What she'd feed you is some half-baked explanation, that'll leave you with more questions to dwell on, and she wouldn't be able to answer any of them.  

Do not take her back.   Her dumping you so many times is the process of her knowing the relationship isn't for her, and trying to disconnect from you.  Sometimes people need to do it multiple times to finally walk away.  Don't enable her behaviour.  You and your life matter too, so take care of yourself.  She is now toxic.  Cut her off, remove her presence from social media and your phone.  You don't have to get rid of photos or gifts or her number but store it out of sight, someplace where you won't see it daily.  You will grieve and the process will take time.  Forget moving on.  That won't happen until much later.  Concentrate on moving forward instead.  Accept that you are heartbroken and grieving.  Do not rush yourself.  Do not try to block what you feel.  Let yourself feel what you have to feel.  That is crucial to getting passed it, for if you don't acknowledge your own thoughts/feelings, you won't process them, and work through them.  Grief is slow and you will go through ups and downs.  The worst of the process can hit you around the 3-6 month mark, simply because most people tend to hold onto the hope of reconciling.  When they haven't heard from their ex's after months, their hope begins to die, reality starts to sink in, that they may not come back to reconcile.  But with the pain, you process and you gain clarity and understanding about what went down with you and her, and you will use that to help you move forward.  In about 1 year's time, you will feel  considerably better.  Maybe not fully healed..but better than you feel today.

Writing is a very effective tool when coping and if you want, I can describe some exercises to help you cope with the process.  I used them in my own journey back from my breakups and they helped tremendously.  

- Beach

Edited August 22, 2020 by Beachead

[mark clemson]

However you may feel, looking at this with some level of objectivity - the fact that you've been dumped and then reconciled, and then dumped again, this many times means something is seriously amiss. It may be her, it may be you, it may be your "chemistry" as a couple.  Regardless, you should realize that the on/off/hot/cold nature of this is probably causing havoc with your emotional brain systems. Stay away and find someone more stable as a (presumably) LT partner.

[Cheaterinchiefv10]

I feel for you man!! I would like to say each relationship is an oppportunity to grow and a lucky experience not everyone gets to enjoy and suffer thru. It's a mix of great and horrible and you will learn so much about yourself. You can use those tools in the next relationship. Suffering thru those break ups four times gives you a lot of tolerance that makes you a great partner. I would say push yourself to get out and meet people and find a passion. Mine is rock climbing and after break ups helps me heal very quickly. It will take longer the more you stay isolated but everyone grieves differently

[andrem11]

On 8/22/2020 at 5:00 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Once you've processed all this and the dust settles, you'll see that you dodged a bullet.

I hope so.  Right now it doesn't really feel that way at all.  I'm mostly just phasing in between being depressed, hoping she'll come back, and experiencing seething rage that she left me. 

[andrem11]

On 8/22/2020 at 5:52 PM, Beachead said:

You cared about her and you were invested in your relationship so ofcourse you wanted things to work out.  Problem is, in that state, you only consider the good behaviours when her avoidant, hurtful ones are just as relevant when evaluating who she is and how she was as a partner.  It's not surprising that you are extremely upset and hurt and lost, not knowing what to do anymore..considering how crappy she's been the past few months. Considering her sporadic behaviour, if you two got back together, you'd only feel the anxiety of not knowing if or when she might dump you again, and that affects the way you'll be with her.  This will adversely affect the relationship.  This girl broke your trust and once that's gone, its tough to get it back.  She failed you.  

Good, healthy partners, communicate.  They don't stonewall.   They don't take risks and jeopardize the relationship with the person they care about, because they see a future with the person they care about and they want to realize it together.   Your ex has actually vocalized that she doesn't.  She probably got back together with you, after breaking up the other 3 times, because of separation anxiety from the familiarity and comfort that you provided, rather than a legitimate reason.  Like the others said, you really dodged a bullet.  Don't expect "closure" from a girl who leaves you like that.  What she'd feed you is some half-baked explanation, that'll leave you with more questions to dwell on, and she wouldn't be able to answer any of them.  

Do not take her back.   Her dumping you so many times is the process of her knowing the relationship isn't for her, and trying to disconnect from you.  Sometimes people need to do it multiple times to finally walk away.  Don't enable her behaviour.  You and your life matter too, so take care of yourself.  She is now toxic.  Cut her off, remove her presence from social media and your phone.  You don't have to get rid of photos or gifts or her number but store it out of sight, someplace where you won't see it daily.  You will grieve and the process will take time.  Forget moving on.  That won't happen until much later.  Concentrate on moving forward instead.  Accept that you are heartbroken and grieving.  Do not rush yourself.  Do not try to block what you feel.  Let yourself feel what you have to feel.  That is crucial to getting passed it, for if you don't acknowledge your own thoughts/feelings, you won't process them, and work through them.  Grief is slow and you will go through ups and downs.  The worst of the process can hit you around the 3-6 month mark, simply because most people tend to hold onto the hope of reconciling.  When they haven't heard from their ex's after months, their hope begins to die, reality starts to sink in, that they may not come back to reconcile.  But with the pain, you process and you gain clarity and understanding about what went down with you and her, and you will use that to help you move forward.  In about 1 year's time, you will feel  considerably better.  Maybe not fully healed..but better than you feel today.

Writing is a very effective tool when coping and if you want, I can describe some exercises to help you cope with the process.  I used them in my own journey back from my breakups and they helped tremendously.  

- Beach

I think one of the most difficult things for me is knowing that I got her to go to therapy, and she was actually showing signs of becoming a better communicator.  Now somebody else gets to reap the seeds I sowed.  That part especially bothers me.  Knowing that she will be a better partner for her next partner.  All the parts of her that really bothered me might be ironed out by her next go around. 

At this point, it's the longest we've ever gone without talking to each other, and I fully don't expect her to come waltzing back into my life.  I was always the one who convinced her to stay and work it out.  I think based on her personality type,  if I don't reach out to her i'll probably never hear from her again.  I don't even know if i'm still blocked and would be able to reach out to her or not.  Even if I could I wouldn't because I don't want to set myself back seeing as it's already been a month of "healing".  

You saying she realized the relationship wasn't for her definitely hurts, but it's probably the truth.  I wish I knew why she felt that way, and it's difficult not knowing and only being able to speculate.  I guess only time will heal that though.     

[andrem11]

On 8/22/2020 at 5:55 PM, mark clemson said:

However you may feel, looking at this with some level of objectivity - the fact that you've been dumped and then reconciled, and then dumped again, this many times means something is seriously amiss. It may be her, it may be you, it may be your "chemistry" as a couple.  Regardless, you should realize that the on/off/hot/cold nature of this is probably causing havoc with your emotional brain systems. Stay away and find someone more stable as a (presumably) LT partner.

I completely agree with you about the havoc with my emotional brain systems.  I have made my own mistakes that led to my mental problems, but the lack of stability in the relationship certainly wasn't helping.  Unfortunately, the last go around of the relationship, I could see things were visibly improving which is why this breakup is so upsetting to me.  It was like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like we were finally going to make it work that time around. 

[andrem11]

On 8/23/2020 at 2:50 PM, Cheaterinchiefv10 said:

I feel for you man!! I would like to say each relationship is an oppportunity to grow and a lucky experience not everyone gets to enjoy and suffer thru. It's a mix of great and horrible and you will learn so much about yourself. You can use those tools in the next relationship. Suffering thru those break ups four times gives you a lot of tolerance that makes you a great partner. I would say push yourself to get out and meet people and find a passion. Mine is rock climbing and after break ups helps me heal very quickly. It will take longer the more you stay isolated but everyone grieves differently

Unfortunately most of the breakups were short lived so there wasn't really much growth that occurred during them, but this most recent one has been close to a month now and i've definitely started to feel the growth occurring.  I agree with you that isolation is not going to help long term, but short term I really feel like I need to figure out who I am and what I want.  

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened and I can imagine the toll it has taken on you. Having a relationship failing at regular intervals must be heartbreaking and depressing.  A word of advice (easier in retrospect I know) - never persuade someone to try again.  If they want to try again and have shown you that, and they matter a lot to you, then maybe give them chance, but if you are doing the persuading you are starting from a losing position.  A person should not need persuading.

It sounds like you are doing great things to improve your life since the break-up.  I am sure if you keep on this way, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and be able to start a new relationship having learned from this one and having restored your self-esteem;

I appreciate that being dumped several times in a relationship does not enhance one's self esteem but you do mention that you let various things slip.  I particularly noticed you said hygiene.  Maybe this occurred because you were demoralised or (probably) suffering from depression, but I can tell you that neglecting hygiene is a deal-breaker in a relationship.  Brushing teeth at least twice a day is vital.  If you weren't doing this, you may have been contributing to the downfall of the relationship. It is not a nice position to be in to have to ask a partner to do things that are basic and important.  I am not saying this to criticise but to make you aware that for women in particular, such things are not optional.  I firmly believe that women have a better sense of smell than men and being aware of this would give you an advantage over other men.  It sounds like you are still struggling with this, which is why I mention depression.  Maybe it is worth talking to your doctor because depression makes the basic things - the things we all have to do every day like washing, brushing teeth, look after hair, and tidying/cleaning our home - daunting and difficult.  These things require mental and physical energy and when depressed it is tempting not to bother.  However you feel about the basics of hygiene, if you find you are neglecting them, consider that depression might be the cause and that medication might help.  Regardless, if you neglect these things, relationships will founder, so please treat them as important for your own sake.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am lecturing.  I feel it is important to be honest about what will help or harm your chances in a relationship.  It may well be there were other things that were far more important to your ex.  I am simply going off my own experience and what has deterred me from continuing a relationship.

I get the feeling you did your best for this girl and for whatever reason, things just didn't work.  If you really want to know what happened, have you asked her?  You say you haven't heard from her so maybe you have tried and not had a response.  Another girl may have a totally different outlook to your ex.  She may love your personality and appreciate your efforts to improve her life.  Everyone is different and you just never know what people need.  When in a demoralised state, it is easy to remain unaware that different people need different things.  One woman might need independence and freedom and hate too much 'togetherness'; another might need comfort and closeness and dislike being pushed to be independent and distant.  One might need wild, passionate sex, while another might need more emotional closeness and attention.  You need to look at the kind of personality and interests you have and look to find someone who is seeking those qualities (as well as someone you find interesting and attractive too of course).  We often go for the person we find physically and mentally attractive to us, without considering what we, or they, really need.  Physical attractiveness can only work up to a point, then good company and complementary personalities start to become more important.

You loved her sincerely and sincerity is so important and attractive.  A big change in life like this does make us re-evaluate a lot of things and, surprisingly, can bring forth great strength and creativity once the emotional pain starts to fade.  Hang in there and continue to find the real you who has so much to offer a woman who appreciates those qualities.

Edited August 26, 2020 by spiderowl

[rjc149]

Stay strong in no contact. 

You seem pretty able to critique where you relationship fell short, aside from the obvious, which is that a 23-year old girl is in no mindset for long-term commitment. 

A few words on being hyper-political and indulging in outrage porn:

It's good to have opinions on things, especially important things. It's good to stand by those opinions when challenged. It's also good to be open-minded, and let your opinions be fluid. 

It's not good to make all of your opinions outspoken convictions. It's not good to let things, events, people, that have absolutely no direct influence on your life, have the power to elicit strong emotional reactions from you all the time. 

Not only is it downright annoying to be around, but it's weakness. It demonstrates that you are not emotionally centered, that little things bother you and throw you off-kilter, that you are reactive and can't keep a cool head under fire. Adopting a politico identity shows you're not secure in your true identity. Reacting to inconsequential things as if they are personal affronts shows that you are fundamentally insecure with yourself. 

I think some younger women may be drawn to men who are passionately opinionated and fiery about politics. Kind of like they're attracted to guys who need to act like obnoxious dickheads in order to show everyone they're "alpha." It's insecurity and fronting. It's not hot. Shed it. 

[andrem11]

49 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I am sorry to hear what has happened and I can imagine the toll it has taken on you. Having a relationship failing at regular intervals must be heartbreaking and depressing.  A word of advice (easier in retrospect I know) - never persuade someone to try again.  If they want to try again and have shown you that, and they matter a lot to you, then maybe give them chance, but if you are doing the persuading you are starting from a losing position.  A person should not need persuading.

It sounds like you are doing great things to improve your life since the break-up.  I am sure if you keep on this way, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and be able to start a new relationship having learned from this one and having restored your self-esteem;

I appreciate that being dumped several times in a relationship does not enhance one's self esteem but you do mention that you let various things slip.  I particularly noticed you said hygiene.  Maybe this occurred because you were demoralised or (probably) suffering from depression, but I can tell you that neglecting hygiene is a deal-breaker in a relationship.  Brushing teeth at least twice a day is vital.  If you weren't doing this, you may have been contributing to the downfall of the relationship. It is not a nice position to be in to have to ask a partner to do things that are basic and important.  I am not saying this to criticise but to make you aware that for women in particular, such things are not optional.  I firmly believe that women have a better sense of smell than men and being aware of this would give you an advantage over other men.  It sounds like you are still struggling with this, which is why I mention depression.  Maybe it is worth talking to your doctor because depression makes the basic things - the things we all have to do every day like washing, brushing teeth, look after hair, and tidying/cleaning our home - daunting and difficult.  These things require mental and physical energy and when depressed it is tempting not to bother.  However you feel about the basics of hygiene, if you find you are neglecting them, consider that depression might be the cause and that medication might help.  Regardless, if you neglect these things, relationships will founder, so please treat them as important for your own sake.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am lecturing.  I feel it is important to be honest about what will help or harm your chances in a relationship.  It may well be there were other things that were far more important to your ex.  I am simply going off my own experience and what has deterred me from continuing a relationship.

I get the feeling you did your best for this girl and for whatever reason, things just didn't work.  If you really want to know what happened, have you asked her?  You say you haven't heard from her so maybe you have tried and not had a response.  Another girl may have a totally different outlook to your ex.  She may love your personality and appreciate your efforts to improve her life.  Everyone is different and you just never know what people need.  When in a demoralised state, it is easy to remain unaware that different people need different things.  One woman might need independence and freedom and hate too much 'togetherness'; another might need comfort and closeness and dislike being pushed to be independent and distant.  One might need wild, passionate sex, while another might need more emotional closeness and attention.  You need to look at the kind of personality and interests you have and look to find someone who is seeking those qualities (as well as someone you find interesting and attractive too of course).  We often go for the person we find physically and mentally attractive to us, without considering what we, or they, really need.  Physical attractiveness can only work up to a point, then good company and complementary personalities start to become more important.

You loved her sincerely and sincerity is so important and attractive.  A big change in life like this does make us re-evaluate a lot of things and, surprisingly, can bring forth great strength and creativity once the emotional pain starts to fade.  Hang in there and continue to find the real you who has so much to offer a woman who appreciates those qualities.

I do not feel as though you are lecturing me Spiderowl, and I appreciate your input.  It is definitely an issue that I know I need to improve on.  Nobody wants to be with somebody who smells.  I have always been good about brushing in the mornings, but at night not so much. It's a bad habit I haven't broken from when I was very young, Other hygiene issues are fine, it is mostly just the brushing of the teeth 2x a day.  That is why I am making such an effort to turn it into a long term habit, and I have been succeeding thus far. I was unemployed for a brief time during COVID, and it got even worse than the 1x so I agree with your assessment of depression potentially playing a role.  I have been speaking with a therapist for almost a year now though to work through some of these issues.  In the time right before I met her, my room was basically always spotless as well.  

When she initially dumped me, the stated reasons were that her ex reaching out to her made her realize that "things that were important to her were missing from our relationship" and that she hasn't felt "confident or fulfilled for some reason".  I made the "mistakes" of calling/texting for a further explanation, but she just decided to block me and not elaborate. At this point, I don't know if it's worth the setback of trying to reach out to her a month later. 

When you talk about people needing different things, our "love languages" were both very similar so we were definitely compatible in those ways.  So that is definitely a positive i'll take from this relationship when I begin looking for a new one.  I hope this big change brings forth this great strength and creativity you mention and that I do end up finding that woman who appreciates my positive qualities. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your health mentally and physically. Never try to fix anyone else.

Get to a doctor and therapist to sort things out. On/off relationships never work because they are characterized by incompatibility and emotional turmoil that is chronically unresolved.

It doesn't matter what she does or did or whatever. What matters is getting your own inner turmoil addressed.

[andrem11]

Today and just recently in general I’ve begun to experience seething rage towards my ex. I get so mad that it takes me to the point of tears. I feel used and discarded and worthless. I’m mad that someone who I spent so much time and effort on disposed of me like it was nothing without even trying to solve whatever our problems were. I feel like I’m mad at myself and mad at her for not being enough when I feel like I put so much into that relationship. I was understanding and patient and tolerant and I always expected I would receive that back. Whenever she needed me, I was there for her without question.  It just sucks to be dumped with no tangible reason other than just “something is missing”.  Although I would never actually do this, I just want to contact her and tear into her for being so selfish and emotionally immature. What kind of person dumps their partner an hour before the family event their mother planned? What kind of person dumps their partner hours before they were supposed to leave on a weekend getaway trip that I paid for? What kind of person dumps their partner days before they are about to no longer have a job? What kind of person bails on their partner on NYE to stay out drinking with her coworker until 5AM. What does it say about me that I was so forgiving and understanding? 

It also kills me inside that I know she is going to be the first one to move on. She is young, attractive, and works at a job where she interacts with a lot of people. She is probably going to be more sexually satisfied with whoever comes next as well.  On the other hand, I know it is going to be a long difficult road for me.  It took over 2 years and a lot of mental gymnastics for me to finally convince myself to date her after my previous breakup. 

I know this is just another phase in the breakup, but damn all of this is really eating at me right now. 

 

[JRabbit]

Have you thought about counselling to help you through these emotions?

[andrem11]

3 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Have you thought about counselling to help you through these emotions?

Yes, I’m currently speaking with someone although the frequency has only been about once every other week due to scheduling conflicts. 

[andrem11]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your health mentally and physically. Never try to fix anyone else.

Get to a doctor and therapist to sort things out. On/off relationships never work because they are characterized by incompatibility and emotional turmoil that is chronically unresolved.

It doesn't matter what she does or did or whatever. What matters is getting your own inner turmoil addressed.

Thank you, I think this is good advice. There is definitely emotional turmoil inside of me that needs addressing. 

[andrem11]

14 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Stay strong in no contact. 

You seem pretty able to critique where you relationship fell short, aside from the obvious, which is that a 23-year old girl is in no mindset for long-term commitment. 

A few words on being hyper-political and indulging in outrage porn:

It's good to have opinions on things, especially important things. It's good to stand by those opinions when challenged. It's also good to be open-minded, and let your opinions be fluid. 

It's not good to make all of your opinions outspoken convictions. It's not good to let things, events, people, that have absolutely no direct influence on your life, have the power to elicit strong emotional reactions from you all the time. 

Not only is it downright annoying to be around, but it's weakness. It demonstrates that you are not emotionally centered, that little things bother you and throw you off-kilter, that you are reactive and can't keep a cool head under fire. Adopting a politico identity shows you're not secure in your true identity. Reacting to inconsequential things as if they are personal affronts shows that you are fundamentally insecure with yourself. 

I think some younger women may be drawn to men who are passionately opinionated and fiery about politics. Kind of like they're attracted to guys who need to act like obnoxious dickheads in order to show everyone they're "alpha." It's insecurity and fronting. It's not hot. Shed it. 

I definitely agree with you here and it is why I plan to try disengaging as much as possible. Having strong political identities can definitely rub people the wrong way and I do believe that it is an indicator of unresolved internal issues. That’s not to say we were constantly fighting over politics in our relationship, but when it did, my views were upsetting to her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It's normal to feel anger, OP. At her, at yourself - it's part of the healing process. 

I was once in a on-off relationship myself. It was so foreign to me, as I'd never landed myself in a situation like that. He was just completely unpredictable. Eventually, it wore me out and I was done for good. It only lasted around a year, but good grief, it was the most exhausting relationship I'd ever been in. I never really knew which way the wind would blow with him, and I felt I couldn't rely on him at all. I remember being physically tired from the chaos of it all. Him? Not so much. He did reveal he'd had a history of volatile relationships, of break-up/make-up/repeat relationships. So, I think he was genuinely surprised when got a firm "Thanks, but no thanks" on his very last attempt to squirm back into my life. 

At some points in our relationship, when I was still in the fog, I also struggled with the thought of him moving on. He is objectively a very attractive guy and had no problem getting women. But over time, and repeated attempts to rupture the relationship? Pfft. I no longer cared. I saw a man who was full of inner turmoil and just not capable of being the partner I desired. When I was ready to move on, I honestly wasn't bothered by the fact that he would wind up with someone else (and good luck to her)  I knew I would too, and I did, to a wonderful man who is much more the type of partner I was used to having: solid, dependable, invested, interested. 

In time, when you're in a better emotional state, you will thank your lucky stars that you no longer have to deal with your ex.  Might she grow and evolve for someone else? Sure. She's really young so she's still learning how to do life. And you? Well, you're already on your way. Look at how many changes you've already made in the time you've had her out of your hair. I realize it's taking monumental effort right now. But you're well on your way to being the best version of you, that she won't have the pleasure to enjoy. You weren't your best you for her, which strongly suggests to me that perhaps you've known for a long time that she wasn't the right person for you.

[Wiseman2]

Protracted anger is not good for your mental or physical health. Regardless of what happened, get to a doctor about your anxiety and moods.