Author andrem11 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Share Posted September 23, 2020 Update: It's been close to two months now. I haven't reached out to my ex, nor have I heard from her. I also haven't been on social media since the breakup, so I have absolutely no idea at all what's going on in her life or any of her friends/families. I'm not going to lie it's not easy being without her. I miss her so much. I miss the activities we used to do together. I miss the way she used to cuddle up to me during the night. I miss her personality. I miss the way it just felt so easy being around her. The way she left me still really cuts deep. I still find myself wondering why she did it. It angers me that she basically just discarded me out of her life. Just a vague text and a block. I wonder if she still thinks about me. If she regrets it sometimes. She claimed to still love me before we split. Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Probably not, but it crosses my mind. I occasionally get urges to reach out to her, but they're never strong enough to actually get anywhere close to doing it. I oftentimes wish she would reach out to me. That we could talk things out and work out what went wrong in the relationship. That we could get back together and move past the baggage of the past and start a new healthy relationship. I've been doing some things to try and get my life back in order. I was hitting the gym pretty regularly and eating healthy. I've been making significant strides in learning the guitar. I'm going to start hanging out with a friend group once a week starting next week. I was keeping my room clean. The past two weeks i've certainly regressed though. My house has begun to get messy again. I haven't been as strict about my practicing or my self care. There are multiple reasons for this. Work stress, dating stress, depression. I was talking to a girl I met on a dating app for about two weeks. I had some vague interest in her. I let her know I wasn't really all that emotionally available, but she pushed to at least go on a date. I ended up going on the date with her and we hooked up (oral only) and I felt so disgusted by it. I wasn't really that into it leading into hooking up either so I don't know why I did it. I ended up giving her a call and just told her that I enjoyed meeting her, but that I just want to be alone right now. On the bright side, I was able to get her to orgasm twice, so that raised my sexual self esteem which had been hurting from the breakup. I'm still just really hurt and I miss my ex like crazy. The last time I was dumped, I pretty much resented that girl like crazy by the end of the breakup. This time is different. I still loved her a lot and didn't want to lose her. Things are certainly getting "better" and I know that I have to just keep pushing forward. I still just wish things were different though. I know all of you are just going to tell me that I have to move on from her and keep moving forward, but I really just felt like I needed to vent somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 18 hours ago, andrem11 said: I've been doing some things to try and get my life back in order. I was hitting the gym pretty regularly and eating healthy. I've been making significant strides in learning the guitar. I'm going to start hanging out with a friend group once a week starting next week. I was keeping my room clean. Work stress, dating stress, depression. Excellent. Continue taking care of yourself and most of all see a doctor for the depression. On/Off relationships are a dumpster of unnecessary turmoil . Be glad it's over. You are nostalgic about the idea of a decent relationship. Not her and the crazy roller coaster it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrem11 Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 Day 78 of no contact. I thought things would be a lot easier now, but they're not. Over the past couple of weeks, i've found myself crying and grieving the relationship pretty frequently. I've continued to improve myself. I was hoping to have accomplished a lot more than I have by now, but some days I just want to feel sorry for myself and not do anything productive. In general, I am better off in my personal life then I was 2.5 months ago. I guess I just need to be compassionate towards myself. Any improvement means i'm headed in the right direction. I have reached out to old contacts, continued exercising, done my best at work, and have worked on new hobbies. These things help, but at the end of the day, I wish I was able to share my new hobbies and experiences with her. I just want to tell her about how my day is going and how much personal development i've accomplished. I think about the way she left pretty frequently and it stings really bad. I loved her unconditionally, and thinking about how she basically told me I don't compare to her ex - a guy who left her four years ago for his ex and has children with 2 different women - really just f***s with my head. The more that time passes, the stronger my urge gets to reach out to her. I just feel like I need to know why. I want to apologize for the things I did in the relationship that could have been better. Sometimes I still think that one day she'll realize she made a mistake and we'll reconcile. Other times, i'm confident she's gone for good. I miss her so much, but, at this point I don't even know if I could take her back. She's hurt me so badly over the past year that I don't know if i'd be able to ignore it anymore. The constant breakups really just tanked my self esteem and it's been a long arduous journey attempting to rebuild myself. I know that if I reached out to her it would probably either end with a no response, her seeing someone else, or us getting together and just continuing this toxic cycle all over again. If we ever were to get back together, we would need more time to work on ourselves. I just want to feel better. I'm tired of being upset. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 4 minutes ago, andrem11 said: Day 78 of no contact. Excellent. You are doing all the right things. Even then, it's not easy. Especially if you are still in the 'not ready to date' limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrem11 Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Excellent. You are doing all the right things. Even then, it's not easy. Especially if you are still in the 'not ready to date' limbo. Yeah, i've been talking to some women casually from dating apps who would be interested in going on dates, but my heart just isn't in it yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrem11 Posted October 25, 2020 Author Share Posted October 25, 2020 I've been doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching about my role in the demise in the relationship. I just lost myself over the course of the relationship, and stopped doing a lot of things that I think made me attractive to her in the first place. That's not to say that she is perfect either, but I miss her a lot. I'm really tempted to reach out to her just talk and potentially work things out. I feel like this probably won't be a good idea. Any input? Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrem11 Posted October 25, 2020 Author Share Posted October 25, 2020 I'm going to write a mock letter of what I want to say. I will post it here after. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 7 hours ago, andrem11 said: I've been doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching about my role in the demise in the relationship. I just lost myself over the course of the relationship, and stopped doing a lot of things that I think made me attractive to her in the first place. That's not to say that she is perfect either, but I miss her a lot. I'm really tempted to reach out to her just talk and potentially work things out. I feel like this probably won't be a good idea. Any input? Probably? Dude, it definitely isn't a good idea. You're struggling because you're still looking to her to validate you and soothe your pain. She can't do that. You have to do it. The relationship was a train-wreck and another try will bring you exactly the same result: another break-up. Write a letter to yourself instead, reflecting on what it is inside you that has a hard time detaching from something so toxic. This is less about her and more about you at this point. You would be better-served by getting to the bottom of the low self-wroth that led you to hang on to this for too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andrem11 Posted November 26, 2020 Author Share Posted November 26, 2020 Day 116 So I ended up not reaching out to her. I still miss her a lot, but my life is starting to fall back into place. I've started to build some hobbies and rebuild social connections. I've also started to take antidepressants which I had been fighting for a long time. I have a couple of options as far as dating goes if that was something I eventually want to seriously pursue. I still don't believe there were any issues we couldn't have worked through after gaining some perspective, but it's out of my control at this point and I've begun to accept it's over. At the very least things are beginning to trend up. Link to post Share on other sites
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