I think I need h3lp to understand

[monique641]

I have this situation going and I think I need to understand or help figuring out some things to end it and I really don't want to worry my friends and family about it, I know they care and they'll worry too much.

Well, first things first, I have depression and I'm still getting checked to see what's wrong with my mind, the last trimester of 2019 was hard and weird for me because my mind was all foggy, like I lost all my will to live and had suicidal thoughts but didn't do anything about it (which is good, I think?). Between the last week of December and the first ones of January I started to get better, I still didn't have motivation but my mind was less foggy and then I met this guy on tinder, the first time I saw him I had like an instant crush, we were going out some times and had a good time together, we have a lot of things in common and enjoyed a lot of those together (like playing music and videogames and we also work on the same field so we started giving each other feedback and helping with some stuff), we weren't exactly dating, just hanging out. At some point we became really close and one day I decided to ask him if he liked me, his answer was "until now, yes but we are still meeting each other", that was fine for me.

We kept hanging out and we became even closer, close enough to tell him about my depression and for my surprise it didn't seem like a big deal for him, he is a nice person but things were happening with his life and mine and just right after that we were really busy and didn't talk as much as before. I started thinking that he doesn't like me the same way I like him because at this point and with the time we've spent together he would have do something if he liked me (I mean he complimented me a lot but like friends compliments you know?) and then one day I had an emergency with work and I needed help, I called him a lot but he was busy and didn't answer, I had to go out after that and when I was arriving my house again he called me and I was really mad, I told him I needed help but it was okay now but I went to his house to bring back my bass which I had left there, so I went for it and he was totally clueless about me being mad. After this I thought my mind isn't in conditions to deal with liking someone, so I stopped talking to him, he would message once in a while but I was indifferent.

A month later he started messaging again, I was feeling better so I decided that I would talk to him again but I like him I didn't even try to hide it, we started talking and playing videogames everyday, we became even closer and this one time I went to his house we were playing music (he plays guitar and I play bass) and we were improvising, it  sounded beautiful and he kissed me, I was shocked because I wasn't expecting it, I went home and we didnt talk about it, then the quarantine started here in my country.

We still chatted everyday and played videogames together, once in a while I went to his house to play and change my strings, the quarantine made my depression a little heavier during those days, one day we were talking on phone and I tell him "you're aware that I like you, right?" and he told me "yes, I know but are you sure you can have this conversation now" he was aware I wasn't feeling well. So 3 weeks passed and I was at his place I was feeling right so I told him "can we talk about that?" and we did he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and I told him that if it was the case I'll leave because I like him really much and I can't deal with that right now, I slept there that night because it was late and I couldn't be on the streets so I couldn't get back home on time, he told "I think is selfish that you're leaving because you like me, what about what I feel?" that hit hard, the conversation continued until he understood I wasn't doing it to hurt him but to take care of my mental health. So when we were about to sleep I was on the bedroom door and tell him "goodnight and goodbye" (he would sleep on the couch) and he comes close, hugs me and tell me "please don't go, I love you" and I could't handle that, I started crying like a baby and he felt bad and started saying sorry, we spoke for a while about it because I still felt bad (like whats the relationship he doesn't want? if we talk everyday, do almost everything together and he just told me he loved me) at the end of the conversation I told him I would try to stay there if it doesn't affect me badly, he was really happy about that.

Things were like before, we would talk and play everyday but I started feeling an inmmense sadness and to have constant mental breakdowns and then noticed it was everytime I saw him (he comes to my house once in a while to bring something or look for an USB drive we use to share heavy files we can't send over the cloud because internet connection here is really bad) and the last time I noticed my breakdown happened just after seeing him (and it felt awful because it was him, the person who brightened my day for almost half the year now is a depression trigger) and I had to tell him that if we wanted to stay friends I would need to heal and for that we needed to stop talking until I get better.

-----------------

So, we weren't a couple, is more like a friendship breakup but there's many things open like

• he liked me or not?
• or he started by liking me and then what did I do wrong?
• why do I feel even worse now that I've set distance?

I'm totally lost here, I can't stop crying and I think I love him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Are you going to a doctor for help and support?

[ExpatInItaly]

He likes you to an extent, but not enough to date you. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Sometimes the feelings and chemistry just aren't mutual. 

If your mental health is this significantly triggered after seeing him, it's your sign that you need to take space from him. That was a smart decision on your part. Imagine how you will feel when you one day learn he's met another girl and is prioritizing her now. It is far better to work on emotionally detaching now so you don't feel your world collapse when that day comes. 

You feel sad and disappointed that he doesn't feel the same way you do. That's normal. It hurts to know you have to let him go for this reason but with time and space, you will feel better again. 

[d0nnivain]

You were absolutely RIGHT to walk away.  You are sad because you saw potential but he was too weak & lazy to make the effort to have a relationship.  Rather than feeling sad about this you need to be proud of yourself for sticking to your guns, having integrity & being true to yourself.

He told you that he's a cad.  He wants all the benefits of a GF (sex) without any of the work (date or commitment).  This is what his "I'm not ready for a relationship" means.  It means he knows he can get easy sex off most girls so he's unwilling to put in effort. 

If you keep going to his house he will know that in time he can wear you down.  If you want him to respect you, walk away.  Never go to his house to be alone & don't invite him to yours.  Play music with him in public in the company of others.  If you fail to heed this advice I guarantee in time you will be back here crying that you slept with him because you love him & you don't understand why he's stopped calling.  

As for the rest of it: 

Everybody is depressed.  Covid has made everybody's depression worse.  Don't feel like you are alone in that respect.  Also don't share your medical history within the first few months of meeting them.  When you met this guy you were wrong to tell him you have depression.  Keep sensitive info to yourself until you know somebody better & know you can trust them. This is something that comes with maturity.  

If you are not prepared to have sex with a man, do not get into his bed.  You would have been better served paying attention to the time & making sure you had a safe way home even if it was late. 

You were very wrong to call your new sort-of BF about a work problem.  Work problems should not be discussed with people outside the company.  You were unreasonable to be mad at this guy because he didn't come rescue you from your work problem.  Your job is not his responsibility. 

  Hang in there.  A good man will come along.