ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend?

[MalBA]

I need help about my ex.

 

I was with my ex for 1 year. He was very good looking and hot. We were friends but he had no attraction to me for many years. until I helped him in my country and we were sexual and got together. Our relationship was fun because we had the same friends and same political causes. Our relationship was also very sexual in nature and we were a lot into kinky sex, bondage , bdsm, etc. He had met my family and I had met his younger brother and family. His younger brother and I had even added each other on Facebook and Instagram. 

I can't say we had a lot of emotional attachment. as we weren't together most of the time as ours was mostly long distance but we did see each other and did sexting, sending nudes , the regular stuff couples do. I will admit I liked the part that a hot guy was my boyfriend and I absolutely loved that he would follow me around. 

We broke up 6 months ago due to a really ugly fight. Shortly after that he started hanging out with another girl. This girl is his longtime crush whom he used to like and wanted to be with before we started dating. They had problems so they couldn't date but he wanted to be her boyfriend.

I thought she was my replacement or rebound.  But one of his close male friends told me it wasnt. Back in 2016, my ex had confided this friend about his now present girlfriend, like showing him who she was and asking if he looked good and fit enough for her. His friend also told me he had asked him to look at his body and tell him if it was good enough for her. This friend had also spoken to her and made her sign a political petition. It was a setback to me because I thought she was my replacement. 

I don't see it but everyone thinks she looks very different. Everything thinks she's very beautiful. Also my ex. Who acts like a creep with her. While he did look at me, he has NEVER looked at me or stared at me as he looks at her. He's constantly staring at her all the time and his eyes are always fixated upon her. I also found out through his friend that when he sent pictures of her to his mother and family members, they were all saying how absolutely stunning she is. His cousin even commented how he managed to get her and he had such a massive upgrade from his last relationship. He's also ALWAYS with her and he claims she's made him a better person.

With me, he was not really doing much except having fun with me and our friends and doing small jobs. We went out a lot and on holidays and outings with friends. Now he's suddenly secured a job and also does research work which he claims she has motivated him a lot. I cant understand how she can motivate him. 

He also took her to meet his mom straightaway, something he didn't do with me. While his mother (whom he's very close to) knew about me and sort of liked me, I had not met her in person. He had met my parents and family when he was living in my country. I met his younger brother after 1 year of our relationship. But he only date her for 2 months and last week, he was already off to his home country with her, taking her to meet him mom.

What is this? I dont believe this at all. I only think he is with her due to boobs size or face value. He calls her moon/venus and this shows its only about looks?

Edited August 1, 2020 by MalBA

[ExpatInItaly]

How exactly do you know so much about their relationship?

You need to let go and move on. All this analysis and comparison is getting you nowhere, and really, their relationship is none of your business. 

[MalBA]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How exactly do you know so much about their relationship?

You need to let go and move on. All this analysis and comparison is getting you nowhere, and really, their relationship is none of your business. 

I see him around  and all our friends are the same. While he no longer talks to the women in our circle due to our break up, the guys still speak to him and know what's up to. I mentioned how this girl is his rebound to which his our friend spilled the beans

 

But what do you think?

Edited August 1, 2020 by MalBA

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, MalBA said:

But what do you think?

About what, exactly? Your assumption that it’s all about how hot she is?

it doesn’t sound like you two had much of a relationship and it was largely about looks for you, too. It doesn’t seem that he was invested in you. 

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[MalBA]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

About what, exactly? Your assumption that it’s all about how hot she is?

it doesn’t sound like you two had much of a relationship and it was largely about looks for you, too. It doesn’t sound like he was invested in you. 

 

Yes the look factor. Because he's nicknamed her moon/venus. And the way he states at her, looks more like he's doing the deed with his eyes . I feel its creepy ?

But why would you feel he was not invested? Or we didn't have much of a relationship? We had friends, causes, sex, posted pictures on social media or used our couple pics as Screensaver or profile photos on socials and even met family including them on Instagram and Facebook.? So why not?

Edited August 1, 2020 by MalBA

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It seems like they were together in a way all along and he was simply waiting for her to be available when he precipitated a fight to get out of the relationship with you. Is she from his country/culture?

The best thing to do is realize what a superficial snake he is and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Never put someone on a pedestal like this as if they're a god and you're a fan.

[MalBA]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. It seems like they were together in a way all along and he was simply waiting for her to be available when he precipitated a fight to get out of the relationship with you. Is she from his country/culture?

The best thing to do is realize what a superficial snake he is and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Never put someone on a pedestal like this as if they're a god and you're a fan.

But how? He missed his opportunity and had no contact at all for 2 years , and we were together. So how togsther in a way all along?

We were already broken up when he reconnected with her though.

No ironically she is poc, brown. So completely different from him.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, MalBA said:

Yes the look factor. Because he's nicknamed her moon/venus. And the way he states at her, looks more like he's doing the deed with his eyes . I feel its creepy ?

You can feel whatever way you want about it. It makes no difference to them, or anyone but you. 

You would be best to stop monitoring him and their relationship so closely. Your jealousy is going to drive you mad and keep you stuck while it’s pretty clear he has moved on from you. 

[MalBA]

16 minutes ago, MalBA said:

But why would you feel he was not invested? Or we didn't have much of a relationship? We had friends, causes, sex, posted pictures on social media or used our couple pics as Screensaver or profile photos on socials and even met family including them on Instagram and Facebook.? So why not?

 

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

You can feel whatever way you want about it. It makes no difference to them, or anyone but you. 

You would be best to stop monitoring him and their relationship so closely. Your jealousy is going to drive you mad and keep you stuck while it’s pretty clear he has moved on from you. 

You didnt answer this?

[ExpatInItaly]

You said there wasn’t much emotional attachment and that you didn’t spend much time together because it was long-distance. It was a largely digital relationship, based on your description. Adding each other’s pictures on your computer or screensaver is not the true substance of a relationship. Neither is adding family members. He also went to her pretty quickly after your two broke up. 

That is why I say it doesn’t need sound like an invested relationship 

But honestly?  None of that is relevant now. What matters is that your relationship is over and he’s moved on. You need to do so too. 

[DarrenB]

Jealousy is a bad trait to have.

Comparing differences between past and present isn't doing you any favors. It seems as though he has a stronger connection both physically and emotionally with this other woman than what you experienced with him - it's just a natural occurrence sometimes and doesn't necessarily mean you did anything bad at the time, they are just likely more compatible as a couple.

Accept that the above is a part of life and look towards rebuilding another relationship with someone else in time. Continuously monitoring his life will not help you with the process of acceptance, more so the polar opposite. 

[Redhead14]

2 hours ago, MalBA said:

I can't say we had a lot of emotional attachment. 

This girl is his longtime crush whom he used to like and wanted to be with before we started dating. They had problems so they couldn't date but he wanted to be her boyfriend.

What is this? I dont believe this at all. I only think he is with her due to boobs size or face value. He calls her moon/venus and this shows its only about looks?

Sweetie, this guy was never your boyfriend.  He was just some guy you were sleeping with and likely the side chick to this girl or a place holder/convenience until he could get with her.  This was brewing for a long time and he brought her home because she is really the one he wanted.  Men do what they want to do.  This is what he wants no matter what else you think it's about.  Sorry to be blunt.  It will hurt for a while, but you'll get over it.  Move forward and don't look back.  Find yourself a guy who is truly invested in you.  You deserve that. 

Edited August 1, 2020 by Redhead14

[lana-banana]

None of this matters. I know it all seems important or significant, but none of it matters. My Worst Ex, the first man I thought I'd marry, went on to marry a girl that he'd only described as "a girl I made out with at a party once". Based on the way he talked about her, I had a feeling it was something more, but it was so fleeting and sparse I thought it couldn't be too much---he talked about me, how much he loved me, how much he wanted to spend forever with me---that had to mean more, right? Wrong.

And I unintentionally did a similar thing with the man I went on to marry---even though I was in a long term relationship with someone else, I was weird about how I spoke about this other guy. I told my boyfriend we were just coworkers, just focused on work, etc. And I truly believed it at the time, too! I wasn't lying! It was all true in my mind until it wasn't. 

Please don't keep tabs on your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Block them both. The only way to heal, or to even begin to get back into your life, means focusing on yourself. Binge a series on Netflix, pick up a new hobby, read a book, spend $15 on salads for a month, start yoga, whatever. But you have to start thinking of these two as what they truly are: irrelevant to your life. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, MalBA said:

What is this? I dont believe this at all. I only think he is with her due to boobs size or face value. He calls her moon/venus and this shows its only about looks?

Who is he with? Her.

The day may never come where you understand his attraction for her or why he's with her, but the fact remains: the attraction there, the will and desire to be with her is there and from what you've written, it's not going anywhere. Even if it was about looks, which I doubt if he's taken her to meet his mother and he's head over heels with her, they're not running their intimate conversations past you for approval, your male friends in the group only know what he wants them to know and that's it because he knows they're running back to you to tell on him to you---so you really can't speak to the actual, factual, true reason why he's with her--whatever it is, it's enough to close the chapter of his life with you.

You only got into this for superficial reasons--because he was hot. That's it. No mention of his character or how/if he was a decent human being or if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.  Clearly, if he's been pining for the woman he's with now, the answer to that would be a "no". 

Him meeting your family wasn't a binding contract to anything with you... he just met your folks and kept it moving.

It's time for you to accept that he's gone on with his life and is with who he wants to be with. You'd be well served to find some other hot guy to mess around with. This guy is no longer that one.

Edited August 1, 2020 by kendahke

[snowcones]

The only thing I can tell you is, close your eyes.  Don't watch.  Stop following him and everything he does.  Forget about him.  Keeping tabs on him and how much better he treats the next woman is going to destroy you.  You have to go no contact with him and block him everywhere.  Ask your mutual friends not to speak to you about him anymore either or get rid of them too, if you must.

[ShyViolet]

He is not your boyfriend anymore.  His relationship with her is none of your business, to be quite honest.  Comparing yourself to his new girlfriend is a waste of your time and energy and is not going to get you anywhere.  It's a little weird that you know so much about their relationship.  Stop obsessing over his new relationship with her, and move on with your life.

[MalBA]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You said there wasn’t much emotional attachment and that you didn’t spend much time together because it was long-distance. It was a largely digital relationship, based on your description. Adding each other’s pictures on your computer or screensaver is not the true substance of a relationship. Neither is adding family members. He also went to her pretty quickly after your two broke up. 

That is why I say it doesn’t need sound like an invested relationship 

But honestly?  None of that is relevant now. What matters is that your relationship is over and he’s moved on. You need to do so too. 

But he would fly to see me? Doesn't that show invested?

[MalBA]

5 hours ago, snowcones said:

The only thing I can tell you is, close your eyes.  Don't watch.  Stop following him and everything he does.  Forget about him.  Keeping tabs on him and how much better he treats the next woman is going to destroy you.  You have to go no contact with him and block him everywhere.  Ask your mutual friends not to speak to you about him anymore either or get rid of them too, if you must.

I only had him on whatsapp but we blocked each other so thats already done. They usually don't talk about him only that day when I called his new gf a rebound which our friend responded by saying how she was his crush.

 

Though now hes made an instagram and facebook. Earlier he had no socials at all. He doesn't use them as there are no posts or anything except 1 pic with her as his cover photo on FB and she has added several pictures of herself which were taken by him and several of them together as her featured photos on Facebook.  I blocked her.

But I do remember that he posted a video and photo she took of him in 2016 when they first met.

Edited August 2, 2020 by MalBA

[MalBA]

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

None of this matters. I know it all seems important or significant, but none of it matters. My Worst Ex, the first man I thought I'd marry, went on to marry a girl that he'd only described as "a girl I made out with at a party once". Based on the way he talked about her, I had a feeling it was something more, but it was so fleeting and sparse I thought it couldn't be too much---he talked about me, how much he loved me, how much he wanted to spend forever with me---that had to mean more, right? Wrong.

And I unintentionally did a similar thing with the man I went on to marry---even though I was in a long term relationship with someone else, I was weird about how I spoke about this other guy. I told my boyfriend we were just coworkers, just focused on work, etc. And I truly believed it at the time, too! I wasn't lying! It was all true in my mind until it wasn't. 

Please don't keep tabs on your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Block them both. The only way to heal, or to even begin to get back into your life, means focusing on yourself. Binge a series on Netflix, pick up a new hobby, read a book, spend $15 on salads for a month, start yoga, whatever. But you have to start thinking of these two as what they truly are: irrelevant to your life. 

I don't care about him. I just care that I was replaced so fast and easily with someone whom he had no contact with and a silly crush?

He caused issues himself and moved on to me so I dunno why choose the same girl again? He could barely even speak to her on his own while he was comfortable with me as our conversations were based on common issues like trade unions, politics, jokes and random stuff, going to raves and concerts/fests. With her he couldnt even open his mouth on his own.

Edited August 2, 2020 by MalBA

[MalBA]

6 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Sweetie, this guy was never your boyfriend.  He was just some guy you were sleeping with and likely the side chick to this girl or a place holder/convenience until he could get with her.  This was brewing for a long time and he brought her home because she is really the one he wanted.  Men do what they want to do.  This is what he wants no matter what else you think it's about.  Sorry to be blunt.  It will hurt for a while, but you'll get over it.  Move forward and don't look back.  Find yourself a guy who is truly invested in you.  You deserve that. 

how can you say I was a place holder? He himself chose me after his issue with her?  He could seldom speak to her on his own while with me hw was comfortable. His friend told me how he would get blank and stare at her hopefully , waiting for a chat. And she has asked him out again which is how he got together. I dont get it. Can't even talk properly but place holder?

Edited August 2, 2020 by MalBA

[lana-banana]

33 minutes ago, MalBA said:

how can you say I was a place holder? He himself chose me after his issue with her?  He could seldom speak to her on his own while with me hw was comfortable. His friend told me how he would get blank and stare at her hopefully , waiting for a chat. And she has asked him out again which is how he got together. I dont get it. Can't even talk properly but place holder?

She was the one he wanted all along. He was (unintentionally) using you to try to get over her, but at the end of the day she was the one for him. It doesn't matter what kind of conversations you had.

Please don't take it personally. We have all been there. 99% of people aren't the right ones for us. These things just happen sometimes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, MalBA said:

I don't care about him. I just care that I was replaced so fast and easily with someone whom he had no contact with and a silly crush?

Evidently it was a lot more than that. Turns out it wasn't just a silly crush after all. 

They've fallen for each other. It's evolved into something deeper than it was before. You don't know the inner dynamics between them and what draws them to each other; Just leave it be. 

Why is so important to you to try to denigrate them? How is this helping you move on? 

[MalBA]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Evidently it was a lot more than that. Turns out it wasn't just a silly crush after all. 

They've fallen for each other. It's evolved into something deeper than it was before. You don't know the inner dynamics between them and what draws them to each other; Just leave it be. 

Why is so important to you to try to denigrate them? How is this helping you move on? 

Because I feel weird. His eyes and the way he looks at her calling venus/moon denotes superficial? Also I fail to understand what common points he would have with her since she's verry different than all of his friends and me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, MalBA said:

Because I feel weird. His eyes and the way he looks at her calling venus/moon denotes superficial? Also I fail to understand what common points he would have with her since she's verry different than all of his friends and me.

That's just it, though - it's not for you to understand.  It doesn't matter (to them) if it makes sense to you or not. 

You should expand your social circle so you don't have to see them so much, if it makes you this uncomfortable. 

[snowcones]

4 hours ago, MalBA said:

I only had him on whatsapp but we blocked each other so thats already done. They usually don't talk about him only that day when I called his new gf a rebound which our friend responded by saying how she was his crush.

 

Though now hes made an instagram and facebook. Earlier he had no socials at all. He doesn't use them as there are no posts or anything except 1 pic with her as his cover photo on FB and she has added several pictures of herself which were taken by him and several of them together as her featured photos on Facebook.  I blocked her.

But I do remember that he posted a video and photo she took of him in 2016 when they first met.

Block all of these accounts so you won't keep tabs on how much he's posting, with whom and when (even if you only check sporadically).  Trust me, blocking everything will help you.  I'm speaking from experience.