Celebrating just over a year of NC

[Syre17]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here and I won’t retell my story, as it’s too lengthy. Nevertheless, after carrying on with my AP for some time after my original post (shocking, I know), I am happy to say is that it’s been just over a year of NC. 

What I will say, is that for all of you who are struggling with an AP...it does get better. I’ve been there, right where you are, in the throws of an affair and/or in the immediate aftermath of it ending, feeling hopeless, miserable and devastated. I know this sounds cliche, but it just takes time and there will be waves of emotional ups and downs. 

Just wanted to offer some hope for those of you stuck like I was. The amount of clarity a year out, post NC, is incredible and will make you think “what the heck was I thinking and why did I believe this person?!?” You’ll also recognize the vast amount of time, energy and attention wasted on something that only serves to destroy you, at least temporarily. 

If you think and believe that somehow your situation is different, with your AP, I’ve been there, done that and got the proverbial t-shirt too. It isn’t.

I’ll close with this, as in love as I was with my AP, if she showed up on my doorstep today, to tell me was now divorced and wanted a future with me, I’d tell her no thanks. That’s the reality of time, healing, reflection and clarity. 

[Poppy47]

Couldn't agree more with the above.

My story is also long, complex and turbulent but I am out.

I remember thinking about 6 months out.... however did I trust him for all those (10) years????? Where was my mind? It certainly wasn't in my head.He was constantly lying to his wife, so why would he be telling me the truth.  

If my xAP ever came knocking, I wouldn't even answer the door.  I never want to see him or hear from him again. 

I am over it.  I have earned the t-shirt too and recovered from the insanity.

POppy.

Edited August 2, 2020 by Poppy47
spelling error.

[Syre17]

2 hours ago, Poppy47 said:

Couldn't agree more with the above.

My story is also long, complex and turbulent but I am out.

I remember thinking about 6 months out.... however did I trust him for all those (10) years????? Where was my mind? It certainly wasn't in my head.He was constantly lying to his wife, so why would he be telling me the truth.  

If my xAP ever came knocking, I wouldn't even answer the door.  I never want to see him or hear from him again. 

I am over it.  I have earned the t-shirt too and recovered from the insanity.

POppy.

Good for you Poppy. 

Its amazing the amount of clarity that comes with time and the affair fog lifting.

In my case, l left my wife for my AP, based on what I believed and was being told and “promised.” My world spiraled down from there, lost my job a few weeks after, then lost my grandfather, who had been my father figure, some weeks after that. I was adrift in a sea of despair and near financial ruin. 

Some say we shouldn’t hold resentment towards others, but I’m okay being resentful toward my AP. Its a constant reminder to  me some poor choices and decisions that I made and will never make again. 

 

[Poppy47]

I will hold resentment towards xMM into eternity.  I'm too old to care about holding resentment. I think the last year with him as an AP warrants a teeny bit of ill feeling. As you say . it is also a reminder.

I think what I really resent is the fact that he appears to have gotten away with  having no consequences whatsoever.  

 

[Beca L]

53 minutes ago, Poppy47 said:

I think what I really resent is the fact that he appears to have gotten away with  having no consequences whatsoever.  

 

I think this is what I struggle with the most and any advice about moving on from this would help. My xmm went back to his W of 30 years after living a year with me and there appears to have been zero consequences for him. In fact his life seems to have vastly improved in many ways. New home (far nicer than before as they had sold it), new boat, holidays, lots of family bonding. Our relationship of 13 months which was very special to me seems to have been literally swept under the carpet. How is that fair that he has not suffered at al ? @syre17 how did you cope with these feelings of injustice? 

[Poppy47]

Beca,

My relationship was about 10 years.  It is a long long time.  I still struggle with the feeling of injustice because I don't know what to do about it.  I could easily blow up his life but I don't want the wrath of his family on my head forever.  

Syre said in his original post that if you think you are special, then think again.  

Poppy.

[Beca L]

2 minutes ago, Poppy47 said:

Beca,

My relationship was about 10 years.  It is a long long time.  I still struggle with the feeling of injustice because I don't know what to do about it.  I could easily blow up his life but I don't want the wrath of his family on my head forever.  

Syre said in his original post that if you think you are special, then think again.  

Poppy.

Thanks Poppy. 10 years is such a long time but I’m pleased you have finally ended things and are trying to move on and get over. Hope you can keep NC as you deserve so much better.  I have to work with xmm which makes things so much harder. Lock down really helped as I didn’t see him for 4 months. I feel very cross that I was just a blip in his marriage, a pure distraction. He took a sabbatical and went back and everyone in his family have just moved on. I’m slowly healing but I do feel that a part of my heart/soul will always be damaged from this experience and the worst part is I did it to myself. 

[Syre17]

 

5 hours ago, Poppy47 said:

 

I had to kind of chuckle about the being too old to care about resentment; I feel like I’m in the same boat. 

As far as the consequences, I think that’s not an uncommon theme. Same for my ex AP. We work in the same industry and know some of the same people so I occasionally hear things, like the lovely trips abroad she’s been on for example, to places that we had planned on visiting together. 

Ten years is a long time. In my case it spanned around 5-6, give or take. I can honestly say, that that period of time was the absolute worst in my life and a complete and utter waste. 

 

[Syre17]

4 hours ago, Beca L said:

I think this is what I struggle with the most and any advice about moving on from this would help. My xmm went back to his W of 30 years after living a year with me and there appears to have been zero consequences for him. In fact his life seems to have vastly improved in many ways. New home (far nicer than before as they had sold it), new boat, holidays, lots of family bonding. Our relationship of 13 months which was very special to me seems to have been literally swept under the carpet. How is that fair that he has not suffered at al ? @syre17 how did you cope with these feelings of injustice? 

Hang in there, it does get better. 

My ex AP had also moved out at one point, for nearly the same period of time, around a year, and then also moved back in with her H, so I can relate.

As far as coping, I did do some counseling for a while, and that helped. I also have a really good network of friends and family, my mom in particular. She had actually met my ex AP in several occasions (they had even met for lunch one time). Also, I really shifted to doing for myself and taking care of me, which is something I really hadn’t done, as I was too consumed and busy with constantly clawing for every tiny scrap of time, affection and glimmer of hope with my then AP or being the one to bend to accommodate her. I reconnected with old friends, took some solo trips to rediscover myself, focused more on a hobby that I truly love and things like that. I’m of the mindset that success is the sweetest revenge.

I also think it’s healthy to go through the natural stages of healing...grief, anger, etc. I had good days and some really bad ones. There were times when I’d be so incredibly angry and furious, at her and at myself. So much so with the anger, that I placed myself in some potentially dangerous situations, and felt like I was loaded and cocked, ready to explode, like if someone was simply tailgating me. Fortunately, those feelings subsided and I began to see what a truly awful, manipulative, cunning, selfish and narcissistic person she was. 

I hope that you have someone or a few people you can confide in?

[Hedgehog73]

I am only 11 weeks out of a 5 year relationship with my xmm. Some days are wayyyyy harder than others, but I know I am done and it’s over. I get the whole “they just went back to their lives and moved on like nothing”, but i just can’t let myself focus on that because it’s not a healthy place to be in my head. I just want to move forward and move on so I will do anything it takes to get to the place of complete lack of emotion when it comes to him. 
 

kudos to you for a year !!! That’s really encouraging to the rest of us. 

[Syre17]

25 minutes ago, Hedgehog73 said:

I am only 11 weeks out of a 5 year relationship with my xmm. Some days are wayyyyy harder than others, but I know I am done and it’s over. I get the whole “they just went back to their lives and moved on like nothing”, but i just can’t let myself focus on that because it’s not a healthy place to be in my head. I just want to move forward and move on so I will do anything it takes to get to the place of complete lack of emotion when it comes to him. 
 

kudos to you for a year !!! That’s really encouraging to the rest of us. 

Good for you for getting out. Yes, some days for you will certainly be way harder than others.

I meant to include in my response to @Beca L and will mention here, that this board really helped me. I was able to see, hear and process that others were going through and experiencing the very same thing. It’s pretty amazing all of the common themes that become glaringly clear. 

Hang in there and be strong!

[Beca L]

7 hours ago, Syre17 said:

Hang in there, it does get better. 

My ex AP had also moved out at one point, for nearly the same period of time, around a year, and then also moved back in with her H, so I can relate.

As far as coping, I did do some counseling for a while, and that helped. I also have a really good network of friends and family, my mom in particular. She had actually met my ex AP in several occasions (they had even met for lunch one time). Also, I really shifted to doing for myself and taking care of me, which is something I really hadn’t done, as I was too consumed and busy with constantly clawing for every tiny scrap of time, affection and glimmer of hope with my then AP or being the one to bend to accommodate her. I reconnected with old friends, took some solo trips to rediscover myself, focused more on a hobby that I truly love and things like that. I’m of the mindset that success is the sweetest revenge.

I also think it’s healthy to go through the natural stages of healing...grief, anger, etc. I had good days and some really bad ones. There were times when I’d be so incredibly angry and furious, at her and at myself. So much so with the anger, that I placed myself in some potentially dangerous situations, and felt like I was loaded and cocked, ready to explode, like if someone was simply tailgating me. Fortunately, those feelings subsided and I began to see what a truly awful, manipulative, cunning, selfish and narcissistic person she was. 

I hope that you have someone or a few people you can confide in?

Hi,

thanks for the advice and support. It’s great to hear that other people in my situation have finally moved on and have reached a state of indifference or detachment. I just can’t imagine getting to that state. It’s been over 2.5 years since he went back and 7 months NC (apart from a few weeks of intermittent contact a few weeks ago after his brother died suddenly ) and I don’t feel much better. I believe that he is very selfish, self centred and possible narcissistic but I can’t help feeling such injustice and I’m still very hurt and angry. I was betrayed and conned  by him and I’m finding that so hard to get over. 
 

I am trying to do all the things that you should do but as a single mum of 3 teenagers it is hard sometimes. Anyway I want to move on so I just have to take each day and hopefully it will come sooner than I think. Thanks again. 

[RebeccaR]

Any consequences the MM/MW faces are between them and their spouse. The fact the spouse doesn’t know or care doesn’t invalidate your relationship. In some ways these resemble normal breakup stories where someone got dumped and the dumper moved on quickly - affair or no affair. Getting dumped hurts.

[Poppy47]

9 hours ago, Syre17 said:

 

I had to kind of chuckle about the being too old to care about resentment; I feel like I’m in the same boat. 

As far as the consequences, I think that’s not an uncommon theme. Same for my ex AP. We work in the same industry and know some of the same people so I occasionally hear things, like the lovely trips abroad she’s been on for example, to places that we had planned on visiting together. 

Ten years is a long time. In my case it spanned around 5-6, give or take. I can honestly say, that that period of time was the absolute worst in my life and a complete and utter waste. 

 

I AM old Syre. Early seventies. Just when you think you have seen everything,done everything, WHAM along comes and EMR. No fool like an old fool.  

Yes, it was the most turbulent period in my life too. I totally regret wasting 10 years .

xMM lives about 20 minutes away from me.  I have spotted him from a distance at times, also have  seen his wife at the shops but never face to face. Don't know what he is doing as we moved in entirely different circles.  I could look at his FB if I really wanted to know but I don't.

[LaceyMcAntire]

So, to everyone that has moved on, how did you cope with getting over the "habit" of your MM/MW? Have you literally went full on NC? Or since you work together do you just keep it work related? If that's the case, isn't it hard for you to move on? Having to talk to the other often sucks, and seems like a constant reminder and harder to get over than just NC and moving on  

[mark clemson]

^^^  I don't disagree with your points @LaceyMcAntire, but IMO this question belongs it it's own thread.

[Syre17]

On 8/19/2020 at 1:14 PM, LaceyMcAntire said:

So, to everyone that has moved on, how did you cope with getting over the "habit" of your MM/MW? Have you literally went full on NC? Or since you work together do you just keep it work related? If that's the case, isn't it hard for you to move on? Having to talk to the other often sucks, and seems like a constant reminder and harder to get over than just NC and moving on  

I didn’t work with mine, although both of us do work in the same field/profession, just different aspects.

It was hard, brutally hard. I think I read on here once, that at the point where the pain far outweighs the promise and pleasure (or something to that effect) there’s a shift. I know this happened for me. 

In my case, I went NC. I did get one text at one point and ironically, after I posted this topic here, she “liked” my FB cover pic just this past weekend....go figure. It, and my profile pic are the only public part of my FB page. Anyway, I’m so far beyond her, and our past together, that I really don’t even care. 

It definitely takes time, as others will attest to I’m sure. I know in my case, I have a hobby that is pretty time consuming and that I love. That was helpful, in that I threw myself into even more, which was good since it’s my happy place. 

I’ll say this is well, I know all too well the push and pull. Breaking up, one person “folding” and reaching out. I ran into my former AP one time out in public, she was alone and I was as well, and that just kicked everything off again. That is a vicious cycle, take it from me. As hard as it is, the NC route is best. I just took it day by day...one turned into a few, a few turned into weeks, then a month, followed by months. 

If this tells you anything, my former AP could show up on my doorstep tomorrow, as a now single woman, professing her love, and I’d say “no thanks.”

You too will get there/here...
 

 

 

 

[LaceyMcAntire]

13 hours ago, Syre17 said:

I didn’t work with mine, although both of us do work in the same field/profession, just different aspects.

It was hard, brutally hard. I think I read on here once, that at the point where the pain far outweighs the promise and pleasure (or something to that effect) there’s a shift. I know this happened for me. 

In my case, I went NC. I did get one text at one point and ironically, after I posted this topic here, she “liked” my FB cover pic just this past weekend....go figure. It, and my profile pic are the only public part of my FB page. Anyway, I’m so far beyond her, and our past together, that I really don’t even care. 

It definitely takes time, as others will attest to I’m sure. I know in my case, I have a hobby that is pretty time consuming and that I love. That was helpful, in that I threw myself into even more, which was good since it’s my happy place. 

I’ll say this is well, I know all too well the push and pull. Breaking up, one person “folding” and reaching out. I ran into my former AP one time out in public, she was alone and I was as well, and that just kicked everything off again. That is a vicious cycle, take it from me. As hard as it is, the NC route is best. I just took it day by day...one turned into a few, a few turned into weeks, then a month, followed by months. 

If this tells you anything, my former AP could show up on my doorstep tomorrow, as a now single woman, professing her love, and I’d say “no thanks.”

You too will get there/here...
 

 

 

 

Thank you for you optimistic advice! At this point, I feel like Im never going to get there, letting everyday of no calls, or calls cause my day to be a good or bad one. I just want it to be over and I want to stop caring so badly

[LaceyMcAntire]

20 hours ago, mark clemson said:

^^^  I don't disagree with your points @LaceyMcAntire, but IMO this question belongs it it's own thread.

Sorry! Im a newbie... 

[LaylaLynne]

Wow. I needed to hear this. All of this. Today. Right now. Wow. 
 

Thank you so very much. Your words and your experience will mean a lot to many, not just me. I’m 15 months out since seeing my AP, and 13 days since NC and this helps. 
 

So again, thank you. Best of luck to you. ❤️

[Syre17]

On 8/21/2020 at 6:43 AM, LaceyMcAntire said:

Thank you for you optimistic advice! At this point, I feel like Im never going to get there, letting everyday of no calls, or calls cause my day to be a good or bad one. I just want it to be over and I want to stop caring so badly

I completely understand and have been there, obviously. I’m not afraid to say that I had some very dark days as a result of my affair, the darkest of my life. This is coming from me, a very resilient and confident person, who has overcome seemingly insurmountable odds at various points in my life. Please stay strong and come here for support or to someone you can confide in; that helps a lot. Stay strong!