Really trying hard to improve my life, but it is so difficult.

[xoxobby_25]

So my first post I have discussed the situation I had got myself in regarding an escalating obsession with a tinder fling. My latest update on that post revolved around a Tiktok attack by one of his gf's friends. Telling me that "he is in a loving and committed relationship..." and "you should stop comparing yourself to another amazing woman...sis move on he don't want you".

I had a call with my psychologist a few days after I updated with the incident. I was advised to go on a social media break as it was really damaging my thoughts and self image. I have been social media free for 2 weeks and I have not looked at any of their social media accounts since the incident pretty much 3 weeks ago. I feel lighter in the sense that I am no longer updating myself in their relationship and I am working on letting go of the situation with my psychologist and support system (family, friends). In fact, I no longer feel desire to stalk the couple anymore, I think the friend did the job in deterring me away honestly lol. My goal is to go on one date with someone else once I am no longer on my social media hiatus. But now I had an epiphany as to why I got myself into this "obsession" in the first place (and many others in the past). And it's a bigger issue than just "being obsessed with a couple".

I feel so inadequate with my life and I don't know how to change. I have been working in a s*** retail job for 3 years and I want to quit but because of COVID it's near impossible to get another job (i've been applying but gave up because I was not getting any responses and/or denied interviews). For the past year, I have began to fall out of interest with my university degree. I know what I want to end up doing and have begun working towards it, but I would still have to drop out of my degree if I wanted to begin this new interest. I have just began my second semester of my second year (out of 3 years) and I feel the need to finish my degree because I'm already so close and I feel it would be a waste. And i'm not failing either (I mainly get high credits/low distinctions). I don't know if it's due to the vibe which COVID entails, but everywhere seems depressing. I went out on Friday and I felt miserable. Things that made me happy once no longer make me happy. I don't remember the last time I had one day where I'm truly happy. Unfortunately, I have had thoughts of worthlessness and feeling like I should "just end it all". 

And this is when the obsession I think comes in. I have had obsessions as "escapes" when things don't work out well in the real life. My first obsession was over a celebrity when I was 12-years-old. I was feeling left out in High School, getting bullied on social media. My uncle had passed away and that was the first time I ever had to cope with a close death. I use obsessions and fantasies to escape from reality.

In this sense I just don't feel good about myself. I have more friends and am much busier and outgoing than what I was 7 years ago. I had gained a lot of weight and this guy said things which I think I just took the wrong way. I had become more reliant on my appearance over the past year because that's what I believed is what most guys care about, but of course it never made them stay. I felt these guys cared about was "how beautiful I was". I became obsessed with this guy and his relationship because it was my "escape from reality". Seeing him behave on social media in ways I had never seen other guys do for their partners (look at my first post for more detail). And he didn't post frequently and has his account on private so it wasn't like he was doing it for attention. Seeing him being painted as the "best boyfriend" this girl has ever had and seeing him become close to all her friends by posting photos with them for their birthdays and vice versa. It looked like a fairytale. And I have to admit, I still think that their life is just as amazing in reality despite not knowing them personally (it's been a year since I saw him on my friend's birthday). I mean, why would friends and family would express such obsession with a couple and a person and tell me that "he is in a loving and committed relationship" if it wasn't real? Even his GF's work boss heart reacted his FB DP with her, his relationship announcement, and become friends with him on FB, relationship announcement, and not her work colleague's engagement announcement or images with her partner. It fed into my obsession that he is the "perfect guy". And if anyone defended me about my treatment from him I will always say how he's a nice guy, blame it on myself, and mention how he's changed and matured for the better. Overall, the biggest reason why I struggle to move on is because I feel no one is good enough as terrible as it sounds. No one will be able to give me what I want. 

I started being envious of their lives as well. They both have their careers sorted. And they are most likely going to get married. His GF has my dream job and studying my dream course at university. They both don't have to work in retail like I do and they have the entire weekends to go on amazing dates and probably have amazing sex. I fear going into my 20's and not having the whole serious relationship thing down pact. I cried yesterday because my manager told me last minute that I had to work on a Sunday. Once I leave my job, I never want to step foot into a shopping center ever again. They give me the worst triggers of depression.

I feel like they both don't have to deal with the problems I had been facing and are 90% of the time happy. My goal however is to get out of this mindset. I'm working with my therapist to deal with getting out of this mindest but some days I just feel like it's never going to happen. That i'm always going to be miserable.

It's weird what a stable mind can do to you, and how you realise things. But I would like some extra tips on how to get out of this pathetic fantasy. 

Edited August 2, 2020 by xoxobby_25

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Do you live at home? How is your rapport with your family?

Ask a parent to take you to a doctor MD for a complete workup and treatment plan.

Continue with supportive therapy. 

[xoxobby_25]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Do you live at home? How is your rapport with your family?

Ask a parent to take you to a doctor MD for a complete workup and treatment plan.

Continue with supportive therapy. 

My parents and I communicate fine (I am closer with my mum however). And yes, I live at home.

My therapist went over with my mum how to also deal with this agonising anxiety and thoughts. 
 

Thank you

[d0nnivain]

Keep working with the therapist.  That is the best thing you can do. 

Everybody has crappy jobs while they are in school.  It's a rite of passage.  Be happy you have a job now & remember it won't be forever. 

Make an appointment with a college counselor.  Discuss this new goal of yours & how your university degree will or won't fit in with that goal.  I have a B.A. in English; talk about a useless degree but for me it was a stepping stone to grad school & I use that degree.  So talk about how you can dovetail to the two.  

Do you journal?  Perhaps start.  That is a great way to express yourself. 

A gratitude journal also helps pull me out of depression.  Every morning write down 3 things you care grateful for.  They don't have to be profound.  Heck this morning I was grateful the new dog woke me up to go outside rather then pee in the house.   Every night write 3 more things.  Read your journal once per week.  It helps you appreciate what you do have rather then always longing for stuff you don't have

This new thing you want to do, create some S.M.A.R.T. goals around it:  specific measurable achievable, realistic, time bound.   You write down the action steps.  Then you set about doing what it will take to get you what you want. 

Good luck!