Broke up with girlfriend for the right reasons but still want her back

[zincmagnesium8]

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it. I loved her and still do but she broke my trust and I feel I broke up with her in the heat of the moment. I walked away feeling that I would never set eyes on her again. Now I'm regretting saying those things and want to make it work again.

We have been no contact since the break up but we still follow each other on IG. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and she hasn't blocked me. I noticed that she has started to hide her IG stories from me but is still watching mine. I admit I've been putting up stories which relate to her trying to get her to reach out. No one else would know it was for my girlfriend and would seem to be normal posts but I would hope she knows they are for her.

I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it. I think a break apart would be good to think about what happened but I didn't get a chance to say it. I think she feels that this break up is permanent which I thought it was when I said it but really want her back.

What should I do?

[Wiseman2]

Take some time to reflect on whether you can overcome what she did. In the meantime don't post cryptic messages hoping  she comes back. You need to decide if it's over or you just miss her. Try not to turn it into a game or power struggle.

[Mystery4u]

Sounds like you want her back just because you miss having her around.

Say you get back together, and she tells you she is going on a girls night out, with lots of drinks and you know she will probably get drunk. You will seriously be able to trust her and it won't even bother you or cross your mind she might kiss someone again and lie about it?

[zincmagnesium8]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take some time to reflect on whether you can overcome what she did. In the meantime don't post cryptic messages hoping  she comes back. You need to decide if it's over or you just miss her. Try not to turn it into a game or power struggle.

I'm caught up about her right now. I felt like I was going to marry her in the future and feel like I've made the wrong call. I really didn't want to do it at the time but felt like I was forced to.

3 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Sounds like you want her back just because you miss having her around.

Say you get back together, and she tells you she is going on a girls night out, with lots of drinks and you know she will probably get drunk. You will seriously be able to trust her and it won't even bother you or cross your mind she might kiss someone again and lie about it?

I do miss having her around. Isn't that what love is? Wanting to be around the one you love?

I don't know if I could trust her. Not that I'm having doubts but just that I don't know the answer. It's hard to know when it's hypothetical situation.

I worry that if I don't reach out now I will lose her forever. I just need time to think. Is it wrong to tell her that I still care about her and need time to think but not to wait for me? Like go on an indefinite relationship break?

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Like go on an indefinite relationship break?

Well, that’s a break-up with a different name. 

So no, there’s no point asking her to do this when it’s essentially already been done. 

[zincmagnesium8]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, that’s a break-up with a different name. 

So no, there’s no point asking her to do this when it’s essentially already been done. 

I know what you're saying but it didn't end in a nice way at all. I was upset and annoyed and I'm guessing she thinks it's a total write off. 

Even just to give a seed of hope, reach out and say that I hope there's no bad blood between us. 

[sheithappens]

How old are you guys ? The best bet is to follow no contact . She is doing the same . Work on yourself and focus on YOU . Sure you are going to miss her and that’s ok it’s normal . As in for kissing a man while drunk . That’s a lame excuse . 

[zincmagnesium8]

17 minutes ago, sheithappens said:

How old are you guys ? The best bet is to follow no contact . She is doing the same . Work on yourself and focus on YOU . Sure you are going to miss her and that’s ok it’s normal . As in for kissing a man while drunk . That’s a lame excuse . 

We're both 30. I'm trying no contact, but it's very hard. I feel awful because we ended things so badly. I wish I had just said that we need to take an indefinite break instead of jumping straight to a break up. I stormed out of her house basically saying to her that I don't want to speak to her ever again. I got caught up in the moment and feel terrible.

I can't seem to think straight knowing that I left it like that. All that's in my mind is that I've burned all the bridges when there was no need to.

She was wrong to kiss the man I agree. That doesn't mean I don't still love her and want things to be amicable between us even if it never will work out.

[Not So Sad Now]

37 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

We're both 30. I'm trying no contact, but it's very hard. I feel awful because we ended things so badly. I wish I had just said that we need to take an indefinite break instead of jumping straight to a break up. I stormed out of her house basically saying to her that I don't want to speak to her ever again. I got caught up in the moment and feel terrible.

I can't seem to think straight knowing that I left it like that. All that's in my mind is that I've burned all the bridges when there was no need to.

She was wrong to kiss the man I agree. That doesn't mean I don't still love her and want things to be amicable between us even if it never will work out.

I think you are messing her around and you were unkind to her breaking up so badly.  Don't be surprised if she gets over you quite quickly and moves on.  I don't know what you're trying to achieve, but I think she will probably be starting to consider you an inconsiderate jerk by this point.

[zincmagnesium8]

40 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

I think you are messing her around and you were unkind to her breaking up so badly.  Don't be surprised if she gets over you quite quickly and moves on.  I don't know what you're trying to achieve, but I think she will probably be starting to consider you an inconsiderate jerk by this point.

I didn't say anything bad about her but I was upset so told her things wouldn't work out. I wasn't mean to her but I got caught up in the emotion of it all. 

I don't think I was inconsiderate seeing as she lied to me. It was an understandable response I think but I still regret it 

[schlumpy]

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to dump your girl friend for kissing other men. Especially if you heard about it second hand and she also lied. That means you have to multiply that one kiss that you caught her with, to a higher number. 

Your aren't teenagers where it's about who do you love this week. At thirty it should be about trust and commitment and you have discovered her opinion of those values. Pay attention to what she showed you.

Has she been beating down your door trying to make this up to you?

Did she demonstrate remorse or was it "What's the big deal?"

My advice is to stay NC and move on or you will have to accept her behavior.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it's a blessing in disguise that you learned before getting married to her that she kissed another guy and lied about it. A person who has the capacity to do this once has the capacity to do it again. You don't want to marry and have kids with a woman who eventually cheats on you again and leaves you. In that case, she'd take your kids, probably a good chunk of your money and assets, and you'd be screwed.

As for how you broke up, try to let it go. I broke up with someone a couple of months ago, and looking back, I realize I didn't handle our conflicts at the end very well. I felt compelled to reach out to him and apologize for this, try to end with a better sense of resolution. But I didn't do this, as I'm pretty sure if I did he'd just try to reel me back in. 

Imagine your brother or best friend were in your shoes - found out his girlfriend kissed another guy and lied about it. I'm pretty sure you'd advise him that he made the right decision in moving on, and tell him to keep on moving forward. 

[zincmagnesium8]

9 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to dump your girl friend for kissing other men. Especially if you heard about it second hand and she also lied. That means you have to multiply that one kiss that you caught her with, to a higher number. 

Your aren't teenagers where it's about who do you love this week. At thirty it should be about trust and commitment and you have discovered her opinion of those values. Pay attention to what she showed you.

Has she been beating down your door trying to make this up to you?

Did she demonstrate remorse or was it "What's the big deal?"

My advice is to stay NC and move on or you will have to accept her behavior.

It was a while since it happened and I'm not sure if we were even official at the time. We were certainly dating for a while though. 

She was very apologetic when I said it to her and was full of remorse. But the break up happened so fast. It all happened in one day where I found out and met up with her that night and ended it. We haven't spoken since which from her side I can understand because she said all she could say and I left it in a way that I never wanted to hear from her again.

9 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think it's a blessing in disguise that you learned before getting married to her that she kissed another guy and lied about it. A person who has the capacity to do this once has the capacity to do it again. You don't want to marry and have kids with a woman who eventually cheats on you again and leaves you. In that case, she'd take your kids, probably a good chunk of your money and assets, and you'd be screwed.

As for how you broke up, try to let it go. I broke up with someone a couple of months ago, and looking back, I realize I didn't handle our conflicts at the end very well. I felt compelled to reach out to him and apologize for this, try to end with a better sense of resolution. But I didn't do this, as I'm pretty sure if I did he'd just try to reel me back in. 

Imagine your brother or best friend were in your shoes - found out his girlfriend kissed another guy and lied about it. I'm pretty sure you'd advise him that he made the right decision in moving on, and tell him to keep on moving forward. 

I'm not worried about any potential future legal issues with marriage break ups and kids as I won't be having any!

It's not only that I want to leave things amicably but also to leave a window open for reconciliation. I haven't forgiven her but I realise that everyone makes mistakes. I don't believe that anyone who has made this kind of mistake is unworthy of love. 

My situation is a little different as I still want to be with her. I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to be at odds with your own impulsiveness, bad temper and jealousy. 

Why did she tell you this tidbit of TMI? Seems sort of silly to play truth or dare at your ages. Particularly about some nonsense that took place before you were exclusive.

Do you think she told you this to precipitate a breakup?

[zincmagnesium8]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to be at odds with your own impulsiveness, bad temper and jealousy. 

Why did she tell you this tidbit of TMI? Seems sort of silly to play truth or dare at your ages. Particularly about some nonsense that took place before you were exclusive.

Do you think she told you this to precipitate a breakup?

Sorry maybe I didn't explain the situation correctly. I didn't get angry with her. I was angry at the situation. Maybe disappointment is a better word. I expressed my upset and disappointment that this happened saying that she has thrown the relationship away just for a stupid lie.

It's a long story as to how I found out but she didn't tell me directly. Happened to discover it through one of her friends so it wasn't her intention to cause a break up.

[Wiseman2]

You'll have to accept that she has a past, that you allowed gossip to be gospel, and that she may have tried to assert her privacy.

What were the motives of this gossiping friend? Unless you date a former nun, people will have pasts and protect themselves from vicious gossip.

 

[zincmagnesium8]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You'll have to accept that she has a past, that you allowed gossip to be gospel, and that she may have tried to assert her privacy.

What were the motives of this gossiping friend? Unless you date a former nun, people will have pasts and protect themselves from vicious gossip.

I realise I have to be willing to accept everything that happened and so does she. Not saying that I'm willing to accept it now but maybe in time. I don't want for this to be completely dead in the water because emotions are high right now.

I was chatting to her friend and the guy in question happened to come up in conversation and he mentioned that they had a snog one night 'a long time ago'. I don't think he realised that we were dating at the time. No ulterior motive. And he's gay so he wasn't trying to break us up and move in on her if that's what you're thinking.

[schlumpy]

Ok, then you will accept her behavior because by tolerating it you are showing - not telling her - that it is acceptable and that you will only grouse about any future displays. In my humble opinion your feelings are overriding your commonsense but we have those moments where we think we can change someone. You are certainly free to try but please be careful.

It is obvious to me that you feel more for this girl then she does for you and that puts you at an extreme disadvantage if you are able to cajole her into a BF/GF relationship.

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

You may need to move on. It seems like you want to hold this trivia over her head to shame her.

It almost seems like you have some trust baggage that's exaggerated this whole thing.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Sorry maybe I didn't explain the situation correctly. I didn't get angry with her. I was angry at the situation.

Given that the situation was caused by her  - what's the difference? 

It's not as though she was a third party to the situation. It's okay admit you are angry at her. 

[zincmagnesium8]

52 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Ok, then you will accept her behavior because by tolerating it you are showing - not telling her - that it is acceptable and that you will only grouse about any future displays. In my humble opinion your feelings are overriding your commonsense but we have those moments where we think we can change someone. You are certainly free to try but please be careful.

It is obvious to me that you feel more for this girl then she does for you and that puts you at an extreme disadvantage if you are able to cajole her into a BF/GF relationship.

Good luck

I am not saying that I am tolerating it. In two months time I might say to myself that I don't want to be with a girl who lied to me but right now I don't trust my emotions which made me break up with her. Time to think about the situation is best I believe. I wouldn't be saying to her that I'm considering taking her back but I would like to keep the lines of communication open and if it happens it happens.

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may need to move on. It seems like you want to hold this trivia over her head to shame her.

It almost seems like you have some trust baggage that's exaggerated this whole thing.

Not at all. I want time to think about what happened and if things could ever work out in the long run.

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Given that the situation was caused by her  - what's the difference? 

It's not as though she was a third party to the situation. It's okay admit you are angry at her. 

But I'm not angry at her. I am upset and disappointed. I don't have any hatred towards her right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

But I'm not angry at her. I am upset and disappointed. I don't have any hatred towards her right now.

I suppose I am confused how you are angry at the situation and not angry the person who created the situation. Your initial description said you were angry at the situation but not angry at her, which doesn't make much sense.

In any case, I think if you want to try to work things out, you need to speak to her directly. Not though social media posts. You are going to have to communicate one-to-one. Take time to think about it if you wish, but know that if you gave her the impression that you no longer want to hear from her, she's likely not going to be one to make the first move, out of respect for your feelings. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it.

I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it.

That is TMI when you were not exclusive. That fact that some gossip monger wanted some fun stirring the pot with this drama, doesn't help. Ego and power struggles are not good reasons to breakup. She will move onto someone more secure who doesn't expect someone  be a saint until you're exclusive or then dump her based on gossip.

[Ruby Slippers]

5 hours ago, schlumpy said:

In my humble opinion your feelings are overriding your commonsense but we have those moments where we think we can change someone.

I agree. She clearly doesn't respect you all that much or she never would have stepped out.

But sometimes we have to go through a few rounds with someone to learn that people don't really change. It took me several rounds and 6 months with my last bf to figure out that a zebra doesn't change its stripes.

[zincmagnesium8]

So I reached out and told her that I didn't like how things ended. Said to her that she lied and truly hurt me and that I won't forget it, but at the same time that I don't hate her and don't want there to be bad blood between us. 

She replied with a lot of apologies which seemed very genuine. She said she's been thinking about it non stop since we broke up and she said she messed up something with a great guy. She never asked to be forgiven or for me to take her back. 

I don't know where to go from here. I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done. I'm just not there yet as it's all too soon.