Broke up with girlfriend for the right reasons but still want her back

[zincmagnesium8]

I think I'm losing my mind about this situation. I'm thinking about her every waking moment of the day.

I've started to watch every thing she does on social media. Even though she hides some content from me, I've created an anonymous account to view them. I'm reading into it all, wondering what she means or why she hid it from me. It's not healthy, but I can't help it.

I'm even worried that she's moving on. I don't know how I started to think this way. I see some of her replies to friends posts where she seems happy, or she posts a selfie (which she hid from me) and I just interpret them as her maybe getting over me. On the other hand I think that she doesn't want me to think that she's moving on so she's hiding it from me.

I need to stop this one way or the other, but I don't know how. At this point I'm almost willing to take the plunge and get back together with her just so these thoughts will stop.

Do you think meeting up with her, even just to talk, would be healthy? I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment and with no way out.

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Do you think meeting up with her, even just to talk, would be healthy? I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment and with no way out.

That depends on what exactly you want to talk about. 

What would you like to say to her at this point?

[zincmagnesium8]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That depends on what exactly you want to talk about. 

What would you like to say to her at this point?

Honestly? I would like to tell her how I'm really feeling at the moment. I would want to say something like:

I'm hurt that you lied to me.
I still care about you, a lot.
I won't be able to fully move on if I think there's a chance this could work.
I don't know if I can trust you again, but I want to.
Do you think you will be able to rebuild my trust?
If we both don't think it could work with this hanging over us, we should cut all ties.

They're just the main thoughts that just came into my mind. I've a lot of things I want to say, but couldn't list them all here. There's so much going on in my head.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Even though she hides some content from me, I've created an anonymous account to view them.

Sorry to hear this. Don't resort to catfishing to stalk her social media. Did she block you?

[zincmagnesium8]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Don't resort to catfishing to stalk her social media. Did she block you?

I didn't see it as catfishing. I'm not pretending to be anyone - just a faceless, nameless profile. Her social media can be accessed by anyone with an account and I didn't feel comfortable asking a friend.

She seems to go through waves of hiding and unhiding her stories. She normally posts something everyday and when she doesn't I get paranoid and check. Today she posted something silly about asking her followers to vote for her in some beauty competition. Maybe she thought I would think less of her, I don't know.

I don't know if her actions show that she still wants to be with me or else doesn't want to be with me and is avoiding hurting my feelings.

I'll never know unless I talk to her I guess.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Honestly? I would like to tell her how I'm really feeling at the moment. I would want to say something like:

Do you think you will be able to rebuild my trust?

Before you meet to talk about this (if you choose to do so), I would clarify to yourself first what exactly you would be asking her to do to gain your trust again. Meaning, what would want her to do? You need to have an idea in mind of what sort of concrete actions you would expect; otherwise, asking her to rebuild trust is too vague and nebulous. 

[zincmagnesium8]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Before you meet to talk about this (if you choose to do so), I would clarify to yourself first what exactly you would be asking her to do to gain your trust again. Meaning, what would want her to do? You need to have an idea in mind of what sort of concrete actions you would expect; otherwise, asking her to rebuild trust is too vague and nebulous. 

I wouldn't be asking her to jump through hoops, but at the same time I would expect 100% commitment and effort from her. She can't give me any reason to mistrust her. I'm just going to throw a lot of thoughts on the page, and some of them may seem demanding but I'm just trying to get it all out there. I don't think any of it is unreasonable and is usually expected in a loving and trusting relationship. Sorry if it sounds unfair, but it's hard to phrase my expectations any other way. Also I wouldn't phrase them like I've written them below in case you think I'm being blunt:

1. She can't break any promises, no matter how small. For instance, if we arrange to meet on Friday night, she can't just cancel that day because "something came up". I don't think that's unreasonable as I've always been able to stick to my plans unless there is a serious emergency. I wouldn't truly hold her to that kind of thing, but just so she understands that she can't risk doing something so small to break my trust.
2. In a similar vein, if not the exact same thing, if she says she's going to do something she has to do it. She needs to be reliable. If she says she's going home straight after work, she needs to go home straight after work. No deciding last minute to go for a drink with a friend. I've no problem if she wants to do that, but if it's a last minute decision that she never told me about I'm going to be suspicious.
3. She can't hide anything from me, no matter how small. I don't mind small things being forgotten about, but to give a silly example, if I said "how was lunch in work?" and she said "oh it was good thanks" but in reality she went out and spent 50 bucks on sushi that would ring alarm bells.
4. She can't act flirty to other men. She was notorious for posting revealing photos of herself on social media, mostly lounging in the sun. I don't mind holiday pics, but if she posts photos of herself solely for the purpose of fishing for compliments it's not going to rebuild any trust in her.
5. She needs to make an extra effort in showing her affection for me. She may have taken everything for granted beforehand. I want to be complimented, surprised with small gifts, her going out of her way just for me. When I type it out, it sounds really demanding, but I'm not some ego maniac. I'm not great with taking compliments and don't even like gifts, but I don't think it's asking too much to want to feel truly loved.
6. She needs to communicate more with me. Tell me all her worries, her needs, her wants, even her secrets that she's willing to share. The more she lays on the table the more I can trust her.
7. She needs to let me into her life more. I want to meet all her friends. I want to go to family gatherings. I want her to want me to be with her as much as I want to be with her.
8. She needs to spend more time with me. 
9. It has to be 50-50 with everything. I'm not asking her to do anything more than I would do for her. She comes to visit me, I'll visit her the next time. Split bills down the middle. Anything I'm asking her to do I will do for her.

I would also hope that she would be willing to make some sort of sacrifice to build the trust. I wouldn't ask for anything, but maybe if she offered to delete her social media accounts or let me look at her phone from time to time. I would never accept, but an offer of some sacrifice would be a great gesture.

This could all be pie in the sky stuff. She may not even want to get back with someone who she thinks might never trust her.

[JRabbit]

13 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I wouldn't be asking her to jump through hoops, but at the same time I would expect 100% commitment and effort from her. She can't give me any reason to mistrust her. I'm just going to throw a lot of thoughts on the page, and some of them may seem demanding but I'm just trying to get it all out there. I don't think any of it is unreasonable and is usually expected in a loving and trusting relationship. Sorry if it sounds unfair, but it's hard to phrase my expectations any other way. Also I wouldn't phrase them like I've written them below in case you think I'm being blunt:

1. She can't break any promises, no matter how small. For instance, if we arrange to meet on Friday night, she can't just cancel that day because "something came up". I don't think that's unreasonable as I've always been able to stick to my plans unless there is a serious emergency. I wouldn't truly hold her to that kind of thing, but just so she understands that she can't risk doing something so small to break my trust.
2. In a similar vein, if not the exact same thing, if she says she's going to do something she has to do it. She needs to be reliable. If she says she's going home straight after work, she needs to go home straight after work. No deciding last minute to go for a drink with a friend. I've no problem if she wants to do that, but if it's a last minute decision that she never told me about I'm going to be suspicious.
3. She can't hide anything from me, no matter how small. I don't mind small things being forgotten about, but to give a silly example, if I said "how was lunch in work?" and she said "oh it was good thanks" but in reality she went out and spent 50 bucks on sushi that would ring alarm bells.
4. She can't act flirty to other men. She was notorious for posting revealing photos of herself on social media, mostly lounging in the sun. I don't mind holiday pics, but if she posts photos of herself solely for the purpose of fishing for compliments it's not going to rebuild any trust in her.
5. She needs to make an extra effort in showing her affection for me. She may have taken everything for granted beforehand. I want to be complimented, surprised with small gifts, her going out of her way just for me. When I type it out, it sounds really demanding, but I'm not some ego maniac. I'm not great with taking compliments and don't even like gifts, but I don't think it's asking too much to want to feel truly loved.
6. She needs to communicate more with me. Tell me all her worries, her needs, her wants, even her secrets that she's willing to share. The more she lays on the table the more I can trust her.
7. She needs to let me into her life more. I want to meet all her friends. I want to go to family gatherings. I want her to want me to be with her as much as I want to be with her.
8. She needs to spend more time with me. 
9. It has to be 50-50 with everything. I'm not asking her to do anything more than I would do for her. She comes to visit me, I'll visit her the next time. Split bills down the middle. Anything I'm asking her to do I will do for her.

I would also hope that she would be willing to make some sort of sacrifice to build the trust. I wouldn't ask for anything, but maybe if she offered to delete her social media accounts or let me look at her phone from time to time. I would never accept, but an offer of some sacrifice would be a great gesture.

This could all be pie in the sky stuff. She may not even want to get back with someone who she thinks might never trust her.

Ok, I was going to say if you KNOW you want to be with her, then talk to her and tell her, lay out some boundaries. But after this post, please just leave her alone. You do not want her, you want the idea of her.  I believe you care more about her wanting you, then the actual person she is.

These are ridiculous demands.  She is who she is. You can not change or control it. Yes some minor things can be discussed in regards to keeping respectable boundaries of a relationship, but 99% of this list is just controlling BS.

FYI - re starting a relationship after lack of trust is hard, but in no way shape or form does the other party ever need to make up for/make extra effort/beg/suck up/etc to be equal in a relationship because of things that have happened in the past.

When you agree to a new relationship, the trust starts from there. Not from the past.  Everything starts new, if you can't do that, don't bother.  Holding things over anothers head is manipulative and abusive. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

She may not even want to get back with someone who she thinks might never trust her.

And that would be smart on her part. This list is controlling bordering on abusive, she would be a fool to agree and a fool not to tell her friends and family about anyone who expects these types of  very disturbing demands..

Edited August 5, 2020 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

Reading your expectations from her, and reading between the lines of those expectations, I can’t help but sense that there were actually a lot of things about this relationship that weren’t sitting well with you even before you discovered this kiss. 

It very much sounds as though you already felt she wasn't as serious or committed as you were. I am hearing that you didn’t feel appreciated, and didn’t feel she was as interested in you as you were in her. Is that about right?

I can tell you that she is not going to accept several of the the conditions you outlined above. They’re too rigid and unrealistic. If you feel you would need to keep that degree of control over her to feel you can trust her, you’re better to let her go completely. What you’re describing is no way to live life, let alone rebuild trust in any sustainable, healthy way. 

Edited August 5, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[zincmagnesium8]

17 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Ok, I was going to say if you KNOW you want to be with her, then talk to her and tell her, lay out some boundaries. But after this post, please just leave her alone. You do not want her, you want the idea of her.  I believe you care more about her wanting you, then the actual person she is.

These are ridiculous demands.  She is who she is. You can not change or control it. Yes some minor things can be discussed in regards to keeping respectable boundaries of a relationship, but 99% of this list is just controlling BS.

FYI - re starting a relationship after lack of trust is hard, but in no way shape or form does the other party ever need to make up for/make extra effort/beg/suck up/etc to be equal in a relationship because of things that have happened in the past.

When you agree to a new relationship, the trust starts from there. Not from the past.  Everything starts new, if you can't do that, don't bother.  Holding things over anothers head is manipulative and abusive. 

I knew this would happen! When I was typing it out I could tell that it was hard to phrase any other way without it sounding demanding, and that's why I prefaced it saying likewise. And honestly I couldn't think of how she could earn my trust so I was googling ways and took a lot of examples from an article on the cheater/liar's perspective. I was rephrasing things like this:

"An important part of showing your girlfriend that she can trust you again is proving that you’re true to your word. If you tell her you’re going to do something, follow through, writes Salas. For instance, if you tell her you will call her at 5 p.m., call her. If you say you’re going straight home from school, go straight home. Continue to show her that you can be trusted. Your girlfriend will be looking for long-term changes in your behavior."

I think when I was rewriting it, it becomes worse when it's coming from the other side. "Need" and "has to" are strong words/phrases, I admit. It really should be that she should want to do this. It wasn't intended as strict demands. I should have kept it simple like this:

1. Keep to your word
2. Keep to your word
3. Be open and honest with me
4. Don't openly flirt with other men (reasonable I thought?)
5. Express your feelings more
6. Be open and honest with me
7. I want to be a part of your life
8. I want to be a part of your life
9. Relationships are a team effort - we're in this together

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

And that would be smart on her part. This list is controlling bordering on abusive, she would be a fool to agree and a fool not to tell her friends and family about anyone who expects these types of  very disturbing demands..

I am terrible with a keyboard in my hands. Reading back on it it sounds so demanding. I'm sorry. I'm far from that kind of person and care for her too much to inflict any emotional distress and it wasn't my intention.

[zincmagnesium8]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Reading your expectations from her, and reading between the lines of those expectations, I can’t help but sense that there were actually a lot of things about this relationship that weren’t sitting well with you even before you discovered this kiss. 

It very much sounds as though you already felt she wasn't as serious or committed as you were. I am hearing that you didn’t feel appreciated, and didn’t feel she was as interested in you as you were in her. Is that about right?

I can tell you that she is not going to accept several of the the conditions you outlined above. They’re too rigid and unrealistic. If you feel you would need to keep that degree of control over her to feel you can trust her, you’re better to let her go completely. What you’re describing is no way to live life, let alone rebuild trust in any sustainable, healthy way. 

You know what? Things were great before. I was very happy. But when something rocks you like this you start looking back at things with a very critical eye. You read into minor things like missing a date night or her not picking up the bar tab for a while as bigger things than they actually are.

As I said above, I phrased them very poorly and it was intended that way. Can I ask which ones are too rigid and unrealistic out of curiosity? I'm sure the way they're written they sound that way, but again as I said in my post, I don't want her to jump through any hoops to 'win' my trust. If she's not happy in the relationship, what's the point.

[lee179108]

On 8/2/2020 at 8:39 PM, zincmagnesium8 said:

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it. I loved her and still do but she broke my trust and I feel I broke up with her in the heat of the moment. I walked away feeling that I would never set eyes on her again. Now I'm regretting saying those things and want to make it work again.

We have been no contact since the break up but we still follow each other on IG. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and she hasn't blocked me. I noticed that she has started to hide her IG stories from me but is still watching mine. I admit I've been putting up stories which relate to her trying to get her to reach out. No one else would know it was for my girlfriend and would seem to be normal posts but I would hope she knows they are for her.

I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it. I think a break apart would be good to think about what happened but I didn't get a chance to say it. I think she feels that this break up is permanent which I thought it was when I said it but really want her back.

What should I do?

Tricky situation and I feel for dude, I have been in a similar situation before...  one thing is this bad memory will stay in your head for a long time and in any future argument you may bring it up to her.. and you'll always have that what if she does this again question in your head.  Maybe you should just reach out to her and say you wanna talk??  instead of just reaching out and saying you forgive her.  If you're going to take her back she needs to show you how sorry she is, how committed she is to you and how much she wants you. Dont make it impossible for her but dont make it easy either, ensure she proves to you that you are what she wants and it was a stupid drunken mistake and will never happen again. I know of a few friends who have kissed someone else and it meant nothing, if I was you id just message her and say youve had time to reflect, and want to talk about things open and honestly. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

As I said above, I phrased them very poorly and it was intended that way. Can I ask which ones are too rigid and unrealistic out of curiosity? I'm sure the way they're written they sound that way, but again as I said in my post, I don't want her to jump through any hoops to 'win' my trust. If she's not happy in the relationship, what's the point.

Asking her not to overly flirt with other men is reasonable, for example. 

Telling her she can't ever make last-minute plans or cannot ever rearrange a date if something comes up is not. Life happens, man. Sometimes things do come up, which are out of our hands and need our attention. Sometimes we just feel like chilling on couch after a long day and need an evening to ourselves. It's not fair to expect she can longer be spontaneous and make a plan she didn't previously mention to you, either. That is controlling. She doesn't need your approval to live her life. 

I think the problem is that you're reading ideas online in which the cheater was in a longer-term affair and would make last-minute plans with their affair partner. These ideas sound like they were written by people who have a long history of infidelity under their belts, and possibly by people who are married or otherwise in a longer-term, live-in relationship.  That's not what happened here. However, like I said before, if you don't feel you can be in this relationship without applying such demands, it is best to leave her in your rearview mirror. Heal and then start fresh with someone else. 

[zincmagnesium8]

9 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Tricky situation and I feel for dude, I have been in a similar situation before...  one thing is this bad memory will stay in your head for a long time and in any future argument you may bring it up to her.. and you'll always have that what if she does this again question in your head.  Maybe you should just reach out to her and say you wanna talk??  instead of just reaching out and saying you forgive her.  If you're going to take her back she needs to show you how sorry she is, how committed she is to you and how much she wants you. Dont make it impossible for her but dont make it easy either, ensure she proves to you that you are what she wants and it was a stupid drunken mistake and will never happen again. I know of a few friends who have kissed someone else and it meant nothing, if I was you id just message her and say youve had time to reflect, and want to talk about things open and honestly. 

I don't know how I would reach out to her again. She already said everything she could say about it on the day we broke up and she may not even want to meet. It's like I'm dangling a dream in front of her. I've reopened lines of communication with her saying that I don't want there to be any bad blood between us and that I don't hate her. The last thing she said was "I'll never be able to forgive myself" and then "talk soon".

Should I wait for her to reach out first? I feel like I'm coming across as desperate, always messaging her first. Maybe that's what I should be doing seeing as I was the one who ended it. I don't know.

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Asking her not to overly flirt with other men is reasonable, for example. 

Telling her she can't ever make last-minute plans or cannot ever rearrange a date if something comes up is not. Life happens, man. Sometimes things do come up, which are out of our hands and need our attention. Sometimes we just feel like chilling on couch after a long day and need an evening to ourselves. It's not fair to expect she can longer be spontaneous and make a plan she didn't previously mention to you, either. That is controlling. She doesn't need your approval to live her life. 

I think the problem is that you're reading ideas online in which the cheater was in a longer-term affair and would make last-minute plans with their affair partner. These ideas sound like they were written by people who have a long history of infidelity under their belts, and possibly by people who are married or otherwise in a longer-term, live-in relationship.  That's not what happened here. However, like I said before, if you don't feel you can be in this relationship without applying such demands, it is best to leave her in your rearview mirror. Heal and then start fresh with someone else. 

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be a lifelong thing. It was supposed to be a little while so that she builds some trust.

Also, she can make last minute plans, but I'd like to know about them. If someone broke your trust and then you find out that they were out for a few drinks and they never mentioned it to you, would that not get your mind wondering why? I don't want to be suspicious of anything she does and I didn't think it would be a big ask for her to send a message after work saying "Susie asked me to go for drinks in the local bar and I'm tagging along for a couple of hours. Talk to you later."

I wasn't intending on making any demands if I'm honest, besides her being open with me about everything. I was asked the question in a previous post and had to think of an answer, which clearly was wrong.

[La.Primavera]

Honestly, I think it would be a mistake to try and pursue this again. There appears to be little evidence that she has done anything to truly show remorse or willingness to fight for you and the relationship.  Instead she is back to being secretive, this time with hidden stories and selfies she posting, likely to attract other men.   

She comes across as untrustworthy and secretive.  That isn't the type of woman you want to make exceptions for.   

I understand you're hurting and missing her right now, but I genuinely believe you made the right decision.  In time you'll see that, one way or the other.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you're going to have a difficult time dating anyone with this mental list of demands.

[schlumpy]

If she is knocking on your front door and begging you to take her back then your list of demands to reconcile may just work but I don't think that's the situation.

She seems quite content to let things go. There are plenty of other men that will see things her way.

Where's your leverage?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be a lifelong thing. It was supposed to be a little while so that she builds some trust.

Also, she can make last minute plans, but I'd like to know about them. If someone broke your trust and then you find out that they were out for a few drinks and they never mentioned it to you, would that not get your mind wondering why? I don't want to be suspicious of anything she does and I didn't think it would be a big ask for her to send a message after work saying "Susie asked me to go for drinks in the local bar and I'm tagging along for a couple of hours. Talk to you later."

Yes, I understood that this wasn't mean to be lifelong. But the conditions you outlined before still aren't likely to be accepted even in the short-term. I doubt she would ever agree to a lot of what you would ask of her. 

Part of staying with someone has broken your trust is on you, too. So while last-minute plans you didn't know about might raise your suspicion, that is where you have to ask yourself if you're willing or able to extend the benefit of the doubt when you don't know everything that is happening in her life, at all time. My trust was indeed betrayed years ago by a previous boyfriend, and yes, I sure was suspicious at times thereafter - which is how I knew I had to end the relationship. I didn't want to put myself through the feeling of wondering "what if...?" every time my Spidey senses started tingling. It wasn't worth it for me to live in that limbo. 

Ending it for good was liberating and one of the best decisions I've made for myself. Also, as the others have pointed out, she doesn't actually seem too busted up about the end of this relationship. Perhaps it's best left in your past anyway. 

Edited August 6, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[lee179108]

3 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I don't know how I would reach out to her again. She already said everything she could say about it on the day we broke up and she may not even want to meet. It's like I'm dangling a dream in front of her. I've reopened lines of communication with her saying that I don't want there to be any bad blood between us and that I don't hate her. The last thing she said was "I'll never be able to forgive myself" and then "talk soon".

Should I wait for her to reach out first? I feel like I'm coming across as desperate, always messaging her first. Maybe that's what I should be doing seeing as I was the one who ended it. I don't know.

 

Just message her, say you have had time to reflect and would like to meet to discuss things... ask when shes free and if she could meet you somewhere...  if she doesn't want to then just leave her be for now and she will contact you if she wants to. When you meet just talk about how you feel, what you want for the future, ask how she feels and what she wants. I hope this works out for you.

[Wiseman2]

No one is going to tolerate your beating them up forever over this. Either you forgive and forget or you move on 

Unfortunately given the list of demands, you seem to come from a place of insecurities, possessiveness and paranoia. Perhaps some time off from dating to pull yourself together would help 

[zincmagnesium8]

3 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

Honestly, I think it would be a mistake to try and pursue this again. There appears to be little evidence that she has done anything to truly show remorse or willingness to fight for you and the relationship.  Instead she is back to being secretive, this time with hidden stories and selfies she posting, likely to attract other men.   

She comes across as untrustworthy and secretive.  That isn't the type of woman you want to make exceptions for.   

I understand you're hurting and missing her right now, but I genuinely believe you made the right decision.  In time you'll see that, one way or the other.

She has expressed a lot of remorse. She said that she was wrong and that the mistake will stay with her forever. I don't know what more she could do after one of the last things I said to her was that "this is it - it's over for good". Hard to reach out after that. And even if she did, what more could she say beyond all the apologies she has already given? The only way to fight for the relationship is to show that you're willing to put in the effort and demonstrate your trustworthiness. 

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I understood that this wasn't mean to be lifelong. But the conditions you outlined before still aren't likely to be accepted even in the short-term. I doubt she would ever agree to a lot of what you would ask of her. 

Part of staying with someone has broken your trust is on you, too. So while last-minute plans you didn't know about might raise your suspicion, that is where you have to ask yourself if you're willing or able to extend the benefit of the doubt when you don't know everything that is happening in her life, at all time. My trust was indeed betrayed years ago by a previous boyfriend, and yes, I sure was suspicious at times thereafter - which is how I knew I had to end the relationship. I didn't want to put myself through the feeling of wondering "what if...?" every time my Spidey senses started tingling. It wasn't worth it for me to live in that limbo. 

Ending it for good was liberating and one of the best decisions I've made for myself. Also, as the others have pointed out, she doesn't actually seem too busted up about the end of this relationship. Perhaps it's best left in your past anyway. 

I feel like I've been duped into posting that list! I didn't have a list of "demands" but came up with one because I thought that's what was needed. And these were a list of things that she could do to build trust, not that I would tell her she needs to do. I thought if I said "she should want to" it sounds too wishy washy and used "need" instead.

I am not tied to anything on that list and literally came up with it on the spot so please don't read so much into it.

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Just message her, say you have had time to reflect and would like to meet to discuss things... ask when shes free and if she could meet you somewhere...  if she doesn't want to then just leave her be for now and she will contact you if she wants to. When you meet just talk about how you feel, what you want for the future, ask how she feels and what she wants. I hope this works out for you.

Thanks for the advice. I feel like this is the sensible thing to do and not commit to anything. Just talk and see what happens. It may stir up bad feelings but I won't know unless I try.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

No one is going to tolerate your beating them up forever over this. Either you forgive and forget or you move on 

Unfortunately given the list of demands, you seem to come from a place of insecurities, possessiveness and paranoia. Perhaps some time off from dating to pull yourself together would help 

I don't think you can ever forget something like that just in an instance. I can forgive, but forgetting will take time.

As above, do not take the list as anymore than a mental dump after scouring the internet for ideas.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

 I feel like I've been duped into posting that list! I didn't have a list of "demands" but came up with one because I thought that's what was needed. And these were a list of things that she could do to build trust, not that I would tell her she needs to do. I thought if I said "she should want to" it sounds too wishy washy and used "need" instead.

What purpose would it serve anyone here into duping you into posting anything? We have no dog in this fight, no ulterior motive. 

If you want to see where she stands, call her. Ask her if she would like to try to work on it. The worst she could say is no. 

[zincmagnesium8]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What purpose would it serve anyone here into duping you into posting anything? We have no dog in this fight, no ulterior motive. 

If you want to see where she stands, call her. Ask her if she would like to try to work on it. The worst she could say is no. 

I didn't literally mean you were tricking me. It was a figure of speech. I truly need to watch what I say!

Thanks for the advice. I think that really is the only answer. I don't think I'll be happy with myself until we talk things through. Hopefully she doesn't feel I'm messing her around by breaking up and possibly suggesting trying to work things out.

[JRabbit]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

No one is going to tolerate your beating them up forever over this. Either you forgive and forget or you move on 

Unfortunately given the list of demands, you seem to come from a place of insecurities, possessiveness and paranoia. Perhaps some time off from dating to pull yourself together would help 

This x100