Broke up with girlfriend for the right reasons but still want her back

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Every empty thought is filled with her. How do I get her out of my head? I've looked back and made a list of all your negative traits and what was wrong with the relationship, which was a surprisingly long list, but even still I miss her and think of what could have been. Is time the only cure?

Time is the most important element, yes. 

You can already see it's helping to defog  your vision. Earlier in this thread you said your relationship was great before all of this, but with a couple days' reflection, you're now able to identify several problems with hit. Think of how much sharper that real picture will come into focus in the coming weeks. I am sure there were good points too, of course, but it seems that you may have been in some denial in asserting that things were actually as good as you thought. 

It sucks, but it does get easier. Give yourself the gift of real space from her and don't reach out or peek at her social media. 

[zincmagnesium8]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Time is the most important element, yes. 

You can already see it's helping to defog  your vision. Earlier in this thread you said your relationship was great before all of this, but with a couple days' reflection, you're now able to identify several problems with hit. Think of how much sharper that real picture will come into focus in the coming weeks. I am sure there were good points too, of course, but it seems that you may have been in some denial in asserting that things were actually as good as you thought. 

It sucks, but it does get easier. Give yourself the gift of real space from her and don't reach out or peek at her social media. 

Yes I can see the cracks in our relationship now, but is it healthy to only look at the bad parts? I'm not sure if that will help me get over her quicker or cause me to wallow in further misery!

[Curious-Sam]

6 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

You are probably right. I think deep down the trust would be gone and things would never be the same for either of us, but I have been clinging onto that small chance that everything will be okay and work itself out. I find it hard to walk away when there's even a tiny chance that it could work out.

Every empty thought is filled with her. How do I get her out of my head? I've looked back and made a list of all your negative traits and what was wrong with the relationship, which was a surprisingly long list, but even still I miss her and think of what could have been. Is time the only cure?

I think reading through the thread - this worked out for the best ultimately. It may not feel like that now - but based on what happened, the break down in trust from her actions - trying to get back together likely would have ended badly and just drawn out the pain maybe spiraling into a very unhealthy relationship. I think the clean break is the best option at this point. 

The initial break up period your in now scientists have actually compared to trying to break a substance addiction (Nicotine and even Heroin) You form a strong attachment in long term relationships which stiimulate similar nural pathways. When we separate from the person we have this strong attachment with we are literally breaking an addiction to a person. Its a difficult process as we go through the "withdrawl" symptoms.

What your experiencing is completely normal and natural. The good thing is it follows a very predictable trajectory diminishing over time. You need to simply implement some healthy habits at the moment to help you get through the hardest period your in now. Delete her numbers and block her accounts. Go no contact - cold turkey. And this will greatly speed up the process. Try to throw yourself into some healthy activities that can consume your time energy and occupy your mind. Find a friend and become a gym fiend. Go every day - go twice a day. Run. Get in shape. Move the body - this helps A LOT. Channel the high emotional energy your experiencing now into some productive pursuits and I guarantee in around 3 months time though you may not be completely over her yet the difference between how you feel now vs then will be substantially different. 

Wish you the best. 

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Yes I can see the cracks in our relationship now, but is it healthy to only look at the bad parts? I'm not sure if that will help me get over her quicker or cause me to wallow in further misery!

Unfortunately you just have to ride out the emotions and just feel what your feeling.  It will get better, and yes time is the best cure.  As time goes by you’ll still have times where you miss her but it won’t be as intense.  Plus keep in mind the fact that you reached out to her is a bit of a set back as well.  

[zincmagnesium8]

1 hour ago, Curious-Sam said:

I think reading through the thread - this worked out for the best ultimately. It may not feel like that now - but based on what happened, the break down in trust from her actions - trying to get back together likely would have ended badly and just drawn out the pain maybe spiraling into a very unhealthy relationship. I think the clean break is the best option at this point. 

The initial break up period your in now scientists have actually compared to trying to break a substance addiction (Nicotine and even Heroin) You form a strong attachment in long term relationships which stiimulate similar nural pathways. When we separate from the person we have this strong attachment with we are literally breaking an addiction to a person. Its a difficult process as we go through the "withdrawl" symptoms.

What your experiencing is completely normal and natural. The good thing is it follows a very predictable trajectory diminishing over time. You need to simply implement some healthy habits at the moment to help you get through the hardest period your in now. Delete her numbers and block her accounts. Go no contact - cold turkey. And this will greatly speed up the process. Try to throw yourself into some healthy activities that can consume your time energy and occupy your mind. Find a friend and become a gym fiend. Go every day - go twice a day. Run. Get in shape. Move the body - this helps A LOT. Channel the high emotional energy your experiencing now into some productive pursuits and I guarantee in around 3 months time though you may not be completely over her yet the difference between how you feel now vs then will be substantially different. 

Wish you the best. 

It may have worked out for the best, but it doesn't feel like it right now! It's an interesting analogy that you've made regarding it being like a drug. I can see the connection. Even right now I am resisting all my urges to check her social media pages.

The gym fiend thing while in theory sounds like a great idea, I have already been doing that! I always go to the gym about 6 times a week and so it wouldn't be a new distraction for me.

I don't know if I could ever delete her number. I struggled to even block her on social media. In fact, after I did block her I had a moment of regret and undid it only to realize that I would have to add her back as a friend and couldn't lose face like that!

28 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Unfortunately you just have to ride out the emotions and just feel what your feeling.  It will get better, and yes time is the best cure.  As time goes by you’ll still have times where you miss her but it won’t be as intense.  Plus keep in mind the fact that you reached out to her is a bit of a set back as well.  

Do you think that was a set back? Right now I'm even considering telling her that I blocked her, going no contact and that there's no hard feelings. I've been getting mixed opinions on that from my friends.

[Uptown182]

41 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

It may have worked out for the best, but it doesn't feel like it right now! It's an interesting analogy that you've made regarding it being like a drug. I can see the connection. Even right now I am resisting all my urges to check her social media pages.

The gym fiend thing while in theory sounds like a great idea, I have already been doing that! I always go to the gym about 6 times a week and so it wouldn't be a new distraction for me.

I don't know if I could ever delete her number. I struggled to even block her on social media. In fact, after I did block her I had a moment of regret and undid it only to realize that I would have to add her back as a friend and couldn't lose face like that!

Do you think that was a set back? Right now I'm even considering telling her that I blocked her, going no contact and that there's no hard feelings. I've been getting mixed opinions on that from my friends.

I don’t think there’s any need to tell her anything.   Go into no contact, there’s no need to give her a heads up about it or tell her there’s no hard feelings.  There’s no need to contact her unless she has things of yours you need back.  I cannot reiterate enough, don’t contact her! 

[zincmagnesium8]

Well now a spanner has been thrown into the works. She messaged me a few moments ago!

She apologized for not replying and said that she was having a bad week as she's been let go from her job. As much as I want to be annoyed about her not replying, that might just pass as a good reason unfortunately.

She said she wants to meet to chat, but she said she is nervous about meeting because I said "I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from the conversation" and is not in the right frame of mind for it at the moment. I don't know why I said that to her. I guess I was telling the truth because I don't really know what the plan was! She said she wants to meet once work is sorted out. That may just be an easy excuse for her to use not to meet me, I don't know.

I'm thinking of telling her that I still have strong feelings and that it may be best if we go no contact to make things easier on both of us (me!). Maybe also say something like "I had doubts about whether I made the right decision breaking up with you, but I think time apart was the best thing to reflect on what we had. Maybe in the future things might change and we'll cross paths again."

It kind of seems like I'm the dumper giving the dumpee false hope! In reality it feels the other way.

[Uptown182]

40 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Well now a spanner has been thrown into the works. She messaged me a few moments ago!

She apologized for not replying and said that she was having a bad week as she's been let go from her job. As much as I want to be annoyed about her not replying, that might just pass as a good reason unfortunately.

She said she wants to meet to chat, but she said she is nervous about meeting because I said "I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from the conversation" and is not in the right frame of mind for it at the moment. I don't know why I said that to her. I guess I was telling the truth because I don't really know what the plan was! She said she wants to meet once work is sorted out. That may just be an easy excuse for her to use not to meet me, I don't know.

I'm thinking of telling her that I still have strong feelings and that it may be best if we go no contact to make things easier on both of us (me!). Maybe also say something like "I had doubts about whether I made the right decision breaking up with you, but I think time apart was the best thing to reflect on what we had. Maybe in the future things might change and we'll cross paths again."

It kind of seems like I'm the dumper giving the dumpee false hope! In reality it feels the other way.

Ok she wants to meet once work is “sorted out” I’m assuming that means finding a new job, which can take months!  Sounds to me like she might’ve said that just to buy herself some time and perhaps keep you hanging.

I also think a big issue at play here is that you yourself don’t know what you want.  Seems like you don’t know if you want to get back together with her or if you want to stay broken up.  I think you first need to be honest with yourself and what you want before you can proceed.  If you want to stay broken up go into NC and stay there.  If you want to get back together, you can reply to her message asking when she thinks you two can get together for a chat, and possibly clear up what you both hope to get out of this chat ahead of time.  If you’re both not on the same page, meeting up for a chat would be pointless and a possible setback.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

She said she wants to meet to chat, but......

Just leave. If she gets back to you respond then. let go.

[Beachead]

@zincmagnesium8

Quote

She said she wants to meet once work is sorted out. 

Did she schedule a date and time to meet with you?

- Beach

[inflamed]

Hey, I think beach is right and you should listen. 

One point I didn't see you respond to is about her getting all dressed up... presumably to go out somewhere... with whom?

She's probably dating other guys already. Sorry. 

If she wanted you back, she would be doing more. It's not about who said what. These are technicalities. She would knock back a glass of wine or three and 'oops' text you some slushy thing about how she wishes she could make it up to you. It would have just happened by now, and by contacting her first, you've lost frame and she knows she's got you. The best thing you can do now is step RIGHT back and sit on you hands for a few weeks. Simply do nothing. Easier said than done, I know, but you must. 

You lose nothing by doing nothing. Instead, you regain respect and desirability. 

You've got the rest of the weeks, months and years ahead to come. In my experience, exes often 'check in' every now and again - birthdays, Christmas, stuff like that - and so try not to think of it as 'I'm never gonna speak to her again ever ever ever.' Take it one day at a time. 

Embrace the uncertainty of stepping back, chilling, and seeing what happens. 

But yeah if I were you, I'd not go back to her. She lied, there could be others you've no clue about, and again, I'd bet that she's already up up and away with a number of other guys. 

Letting things rest for a few weeks at least will take the sting out, increase her respect (attraction) for you and re-balance things. You might decide you can do better. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

Ok she wants to meet once work is “sorted out” I’m assuming that means finding a new job, which can take months!  Sounds to me like she might’ve said that just to buy herself some time and perhaps keep you hanging.

That's how I read that, too. 

OP, I think if she genuinely wanted to work on things, she would talk to you - job status notwithstanding. If someone you were crazy about broke up with you and you very much wanted to try to patch it up, would you not seize the opportunity to talk? 

I am not sure I would hold your breath here. 

[Uptown182]

20 minutes ago, inflamed said:

Hey, I think beach is right and you should listen. 

One point I didn't see you respond to is about her getting all dressed up... presumably to go out somewhere... with whom?

She's probably dating other guys already. Sorry. 

If she wanted you back, she would be doing more. It's not about who said what. These are technicalities. She would knock back a glass of wine or three and 'oops' text you some slushy thing about how she wishes she could make it up to you. It would have just happened by now, and by contacting her first, you've lost frame and she knows she's got you. The best thing you can do now is step RIGHT back and sit on you hands for a few weeks. Simply do nothing. Easier said than done, I know, but you must. 

You lose nothing by doing nothing. Instead, you regain respect and desirability. 

You've got the rest of the weeks, months and years ahead to come. In my experience, exes often 'check in' every now and again - birthdays, Christmas, stuff like that - and so try not to think of it as 'I'm never gonna speak to her again ever ever ever.' Take it one day at a time. 

Embrace the uncertainty of stepping back, chilling, and seeing what happens. 

But yeah if I were you, I'd not go back to her. She lied, there could be others you've no clue about, and again, I'd bet that she's already up up and away with a number of other guys. 

Letting things rest for a few weeks at least will take the sting out, increase her respect (attraction) for you and re-balance things. You might decide you can do better. 

 

 

This is great advice, by leaving her alone and not contacting her you will regain her respect.  I did that with my ex, I practically disappeared off the face of the earth and guess what? Three months later he texted me.  So you will hear from her again, but like I said hopefully by the time you do you’ll be in a better place and will hopefully have moved on.  I hadn’t totally moved on when I heard from him but I was strong enough to not respond.  

[zincmagnesium8]

I get where you're all coming from, but I really don't like playing games. If I have to be coy to win her back then its not worth chasing. I think honesty is the best policy here and I approached it that way. Otherwise I would have all these thoughts floating about my head distracting me from everything else in my life. 

I actually found messaging her today to be great for my mental well being. I can tell she's not interested in pursuing things at all as she never asked for forgiveness or a second chance. She was more than happy to say "if this is the last time we speak it'll be very sad" but never put up a fight to not make it the last time we speak. 

I pretty much told her that if there's no chance at a future between us, then there's no point in staying in contact as I still have feelings for her. It may sound weak and soppy, but I don't care. I'm always hiding my emotions and it's only made me unhappy inside. 

I feel a bit of a release now and don't expect her to reply after my last message. Hopefully this will allow me to move on at last! 

[Uptown182]

27 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I get where you're all coming from, but I really don't like playing games. If I have to be coy to win her back then its not worth chasing. I think honesty is the best policy here and I approached it that way. Otherwise I would have all these thoughts floating about my head distracting me from everything else in my life. 

I actually found messaging her today to be great for my mental well being. I can tell she's not interested in pursuing things at all as she never asked for forgiveness or a second chance. She was more than happy to say "if this is the last time we speak it'll be very sad" but never put up a fight to not make it the last time we speak. 

I pretty much told her that if there's no chance at a future between us, then there's no point in staying in contact as I still have feelings for her. It may sound weak and soppy, but I don't care. I'm always hiding my emotions and it's only made me unhappy inside. 

I feel a bit of a release now and don't expect her to reply after my last message. Hopefully this will allow me to move on at last! 

You know yourself better than anyone here so you have to do what you feel is best for you.  Hopefully this conversation with her gave the closure you needed to try and move on.  

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I pretty much told her that if there's no chance at a future between us, then there's no point in staying in contact as I still have feelings for her. It may sound weak and soppy, but I don't care. I'm always hiding my emotions and it's only made me unhappy inside. 

I don't think it was weak. I think it actually takes a lot of courage to say that. 

Good for you for drawing a line in the sand for yourself now. 

[zincmagnesium8]

11 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

You know yourself better than anyone here so you have to do what you feel is best for you.  Hopefully this conversation with her gave the closure you needed to try and move on.  

I feel a lot better after messaging her. I told her where my mind was and what I needed to do to move on. She hasn't responded but if she does, I hope it's clear cut like "all the best in the future and it was nice getting to know you" and not breadcrumbs like "I still love you, we should talk when things have died down".

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think it was weak. I think it actually takes a lot of courage to say that. 

Good for you for drawing a line in the sand for yourself now. 

I found myself thinking a lot less about her since the conversation. In fact I decided to venture back to Tinder and have been chatting to a nice girl. It may be a bit soon, but it's an enjoyable distraction for the time being. I now don't have this guilt over me that I am somehow still tied to my ex.

[zincmagnesium8]

I was speaking to a friend about this a few minutes ago and mentioned what I said to her. There was something that I said that she thought was very petty. Now I'm really worried that I portrayed myself poorly. This is part of the message I sent to her:

"I know you’ve big regrets about what happened and I don’t doubt that. But with everything that preceded it and that you’re not asking for forgiveness or a second chance, I think the feelings are kind of one way. I may be totally wrong, but that’s the sense I’m getting. That’s life and I can’t judge you for that."

My friend thought that it seemed that I demanded that she be distraught and devastated over the breakup and my subsequent behaviour - the texting, the requests to meet - have probably convinced her that I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

Just when I thought I could move on, my mind is spinning about saying something so stupid. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut.

[Wiseman2]

It would be better to journal these types of thoughts than to send them to her.

At this point you're beating a dead horse 

[zincmagnesium8]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would be better to journal these types of thoughts than to send them to her.

At this point you're beating a dead horse 

She messaged me and said that she would like to chat when her head is clear, so I felt I had to reply. I knew she wasn't really interested in meeting so I just said that it was for the best that we break contact and gave my reasoning why (I still had feelings and thought that she didn't).

I thought it was only fair to say that to her so she knew why I had gone radio silence. Now I feel stupid after what my friend said.

I was finally getting to the point where I was able to express my emotions and it's back fired. Maybe honesty isn't the way after all.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

My friend thought that it seemed that I demanded that she be distraught and devastated over the breakup and my subsequent behaviour - the texting, the requests to meet - have probably convinced her that I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

I don't agree with your friend, in terms of demanding she be distraught. 

And look, if this girl really wanted to make things right with you, that message wouldn't have broken the camel's back. I just don't think her heart was in this relationship as much as you'd thought. 

[zincmagnesium8]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't agree with your friend, in terms of demanding she be distraught. 

And look, if this girl really wanted to make things right with you, that message wouldn't have broken the camel's back. I just don't think her heart was in this relationship as much as you'd thought. 

Thanks for the reassurance. I know I shouldn't care if I came across petty because she's an ex who I'll likely never see again, but it would still bother me for some reason.

Yes, I think this relationship was long dead before this and I didn't realize it so I don't think what I said was going to make things any worse than they already are.

[schlumpy]

I anything, she is most likely is relieved that you are accepting the situation without more drama.

[elaine567]

She is correct to stay away as are you. Cheating and the accompanying lack of trust can take literally years to get over and some never really get over it and that is with intensive counselling. 

You are only dating, you do not have three kids and a marriage so for you to spend years trying to fix it again, is a waste of your time.
It needs massive commitment from both to make it work.
Here you were hurt, you ended it, and after a few tears she went OK.
She is probably not willing to eat humble pie,kowtow and be the intermittent subject of your wrath for years.as that is often the reality for cheaters who stay.
NOT when she can move seamlessly on with a blank slate to someone else.  
Now you are pressing for a meet and she is not exactly snapping your hand off - she will fit you in between looking for jobs...
Let it go is my advice, she isn't interested in you any more.

[Uptown182]

2 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

She messaged me and said that she would like to chat when her head is clear, so I felt I had to reply. I knew she wasn't really interested in meeting so I just said that it was for the best that we break contact and gave my reasoning why (I still had feelings and thought that she didn't).

I thought it was only fair to say that to her so she knew why I had gone radio silence. Now I feel stupid after what my friend said.

I was finally getting to the point where I was able to express my emotions and it's back fired. Maybe honesty isn't the way after all.

Going through a fresh breakup You’re going to experience a roller coaster of emotions.  You’ll have moments where you second guess everything and you’ll have moments where you’re ok with everything.  I don’t see anything wrong with the text you sent her, in fact I think it was very honest.  You did the right thing, and just know what you’re feeling right now is totally normal.