Broke up with girlfriend for the right reasons but still want her back

[Ruby Slippers]

Dude, you're tripping. You're obviously in a very unhealthy state of mind right now. I get that you were hurt and you're having a hard time getting past this, but it seems obvious to me this is just not the right woman for you, you need to grieve the loss, and move on with your life.

You said yourself that while she feels bad about what she did, she's not asking for forgiveness or a second chance. Because she doesn't want one. 

She was never that into you. Posting revealing pics on social media is the behavior of a female player/attention ho, not a serious relationship-minded woman. This is not the kind of woman who's going to be smitten by a guy who has to create fake accounts to creep her pics.

You made a laundry list here of evidence showing she wasn't that into you. You cannot mandate that someone be into you. She's already made it crystal clear that she's not.

It's time to reflect on your side of the story. Get a brief run of counseling to deal with this if you need it. You've been chasing after this woman who's not that into you and emotionally you still are. This is all a futile effort, like a hamster in a wheel. It's time to get off the wheel, reflect, heal, and move on.

[assertives]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You said yourself that while she feels bad about what she did, she's not asking for forgiveness or a second chance. Because she doesn't want one.

This. I got the same vibe too. She can be remorseful for her actions and acknowledge that what she did was wrong, but that doesn't necessarily means that she wants another shot at the relationship with you. It honestly sounds like you wanted this way more than she did. The list that you posted is actually quite common in the infidelity subforum in marriages where the wayward spouses do actually want to make amends and keep their marriages. But you guys are not married, and there are way less at stake here. Between how she seems to be enjoying her single life now vs whatever you feel she needs to do to earn your trust and keep the relationship, chances are, enjoying her single life is more enticing than going back into a relationship with someone who no longer trusts her.

I seriously feel you should take a few steps back and think carefully. Once the dust have settled, you may find that you don't actually want to be with her anymore. Don't make any decisions now in haste or out of fear.

[zincmagnesium8]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Dude, you're tripping. You're obviously in a very unhealthy state of mind right now. I get that you were hurt and you're having a hard time getting past this, but it seems obvious to me this is just not the right woman for you, you need to grieve the loss, and move on with your life.

You said yourself that while she feels bad about what she did, she's not asking for forgiveness or a second chance. Because she doesn't want one. 

She was never that into you. Posting revealing pics on social media is the behavior of a female player/attention ho, not a serious relationship-minded woman. This is not the kind of woman who's going to be smitten by a guy who has to create fake accounts to creep her pics.

You made a laundry list here of evidence showing she wasn't that into you. You cannot mandate that someone be into you. She's already made it crystal clear that she's not.

It's time to reflect on your side of the story. Get a brief run of counseling to deal with this if you need it. You've been chasing after this woman who's not that into you and emotionally you still are. This is all a futile effort, like a hamster in a wheel. It's time to get off the wheel, reflect, heal, and move on.

I haven't been through a break up like this so I don't know what to expect. Should the person who committed the fault always come back looking for forgiveness and a second chance? Honest question. When we had the long discussion she told me she didn't want things to end. She also said something along the lines of "I don't expect you to forgive me or where we can go from here but just know that my feelings for you are still the same and more than anything I want to be with you". She's not looking for forgiveness because she knows she's done something wrong. She hasn't asked to come back because of how serious I was about ending things.

I also don't know where you figure that she's not into me, especially based on the limited information you have, but I'm happy to listen to your theory!

54 minutes ago, assertives said:

This. I got the same vibe too. She can be remorseful for her actions and acknowledge that what she did was wrong, but that doesn't necessarily means that she wants another shot at the relationship with you. It honestly sounds like you wanted this way more than she did. The list that you posted is actually quite common in the infidelity subforum in marriages where the wayward spouses do actually want to make amends and keep their marriages. But you guys are not married, and there are way less at stake here. Between how she seems to be enjoying her single life now vs whatever you feel she needs to do to earn your trust and keep the relationship, chances are, enjoying her single life is more enticing than going back into a relationship with someone who no longer trusts her.

I seriously feel you should take a few steps back and think carefully. Once the dust have settled, you may find that you don't actually want to be with her anymore. Don't make any decisions now in haste or out of fear.

She tried her hardest for things not to end, apologizing, crying, admitting she was at fault, saying how much she loved me. I don't know why you think she wouldn't want another shot based on that, but who knows, you might be right. I don't think you can say for sure she's enjoying her single life. I've posted things on social media since the break up which might seem I'm happy in my single life too, like meeting up with friends for drinks, making light hearted posts etc.

If she's not actually interested in getting back together then there's no risk in meeting up with her to gauge how both of us feel, don't you think?

[Ruby Slippers]

It seems pretty clear your laundry list of requirements for a second chance is based on ways she's fallen short in the past. Is that right? In the first go-round, did she cancel on you last minute, was she vague about what she was doing when not with you, did she hide things from you, was she not very affectionate, not communicative, not introducing you to her friends and family, not spending enough time with you, not offering to contribute to dating expenses?

You already said she's an attention ho on social media, setting bait to get compliments from random other dudes and being flirty with them. That alone isn't a good sign. Combined with any of the above, it looks even worse.

You can have another go-round if you wish. Like I said, sometimes we need to repeat the same experiences several times before we finally get the message. Been there, done that.

[Beachead]

Hey @zincmagnesium8

I feel for you man.

You're what some categorize as a forced dumper.  You didn't want to end this, but you were put into a position by your ex where you had to.  What other choice did you after all?  You would never be able to trust her around another man.  You would likely feel anxious when she's away from you.  You'd feel anxious if she was texting on her phone or if she wouldn't reply to your messages or return your calls, when you expect her to.  Judging by that list you wrote, she has not been satisfying what really matters to you.  If you find yourself demanding things like that, it means you were with a girl who wasn't all that into you and therefore not committed.

You're backtracking on your decision to end it because you are in pain. 

You are bombarded by fear of letting her go and having to move on without her.  You don't think you can or that you can find a better life.  You are bombarded by feelings of doubt/guilt about your decision.  You are bombarded by your attachment to the routine of being with her and you don't want to go through the grieving process of unlearning it. 

You are reacting to that pain, choosing to see her as the person you need her to be and what you want her to want, rather than who she actually is what she actually wants...because then she will soothe it.  As a result, your current actions are coming from a place of self-centered-ness/selfishness as you are trying to get back with her to rid the pain you are feeling. 

Choose to see the bigger picture.  If she was feeling it and fully invested a future with you, she wouldn't have jeopardized your relationship.    Her actions and her behaviour are congruent with someone whom, in her current stage of life, wants to explore options and be free.  Nothing communicates how a person feels more than than their choices, their actions, their behaviour.   

I hope you consider this perspective. 

- Beach 

 

[Uptown182]

10 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I haven't been through a break up like this so I don't know what to expect. Should the person who committed the fault always come back looking for forgiveness and a second chance? Honest question. When we had the long discussion she told me she didn't want things to end. She also said something along the lines of "I don't expect you to forgive me or where we can go from here but just know that my feelings for you are still the same and more than anything I want to be with you". She's not looking for forgiveness because she knows she's done something wrong. She hasn't asked to come back because of how serious I was about ending things.

I also don't know where you figure that she's not into me, especially based on the limited information you have, but I'm happy to listen to your theory!

She tried her hardest for things not to end, apologizing, crying, admitting she was at fault, saying how much she loved me. I don't know why you think she wouldn't want another shot based on that, but who knows, you might be right. I don't think you can say for sure she's enjoying her single life. I've posted things on social media since the break up which might seem I'm happy in my single life too, like meeting up with friends for drinks, making light hearted posts etc.

If she's not actually interested in getting back together then there's no risk in meeting up with her to gauge how both of us feel, don't you think?

I mean if this is what you really want just ask her if you can get together and talk.  Nobody knows what she’s thinking, she may not be asking for a second chance because you made it clear you wouldn’t give her one.  Nobody is going to keep asking for something if they know they’re going to get rejected.  
 

You’re trying to figure out what she’s thinking and doing from her IG account, which is ridiculous!  People only put the best versions of themselves on social media, when my ex broke up with me my posts seemed as though I wasn’t phased by the breakup but in reality I was heart broken.  
 

Anyway, I don’t know what the right answer is here.  But if you feel you need to give this one more shot, then contact her (and yes you would have to be the one to do it, stop waiting for her to reach out to you) and ask her to meetup so you can discuss how you feel.  If she says no thanks, then you know you tried everything you could and you can start to move on.  You’re previous text saying you didn’t want any bad blood between the two of you did not translate as you wanted a second chance, so if that’s what you want you need to tell her.  Oh and btw rip up that list of demands.

[zincmagnesium8]

13 hours ago, Beachead said:

Hey @zincmagnesium8

I feel for you man.

You're what some categorize as a forced dumper.  You didn't want to end this, but you were put into a position by your ex where you had to.  What other choice did you after all?  You would never be able to trust her around another man.  You would likely feel anxious when she's away from you.  You'd feel anxious if she was texting on her phone or if she wouldn't reply to your messages or return your calls, when you expect her to.  Judging by that list you wrote, she has not been satisfying what really matters to you.  If you find yourself demanding things like that, it means you were with a girl who wasn't all that into you and therefore not committed.

You're backtracking on your decision to end it because you are in pain. 

You are bombarded by fear of letting her go and having to move on without her.  You don't think you can or that you can find a better life.  You are bombarded by feelings of doubt/guilt about your decision.  You are bombarded by your attachment to the routine of being with her and you don't want to go through the grieving process of unlearning it. 

You are reacting to that pain, choosing to see her as the person you need her to be and what you want her to want, rather than who she actually is what she actually wants...because then she will soothe it.  As a result, your current actions are coming from a place of self-centered-ness/selfishness as you are trying to get back with her to rid the pain you are feeling. 

Choose to see the bigger picture.  If she was feeling it and fully invested a future with you, she wouldn't have jeopardized your relationship.    Her actions and her behaviour are congruent with someone whom, in her current stage of life, wants to explore options and be free.  Nothing communicates how a person feels more than than their choices, their actions, their behaviour.   

I hope you consider this perspective. 

- Beach 

 

I feel you may be right in some ways. Maybe she wasn't putting in enough effort into the relationship and I hadn't realised it until I thought back on it. A part of me wants to think that this is her wake up call but that's me trying to be optimistic. Maybe it's better if we take a long term break from the relationship. It's over, but may not be over forever kind of thing. A lot can change over time but I wouldn't be holding out for her if we decided to do it.

6 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

I mean if this is what you really want just ask her if you can get together and talk.  Nobody knows what she’s thinking, she may not be asking for a second chance because you made it clear you wouldn’t give her one.  Nobody is going to keep asking for something if they know they’re going to get rejected.  
 

You’re trying to figure out what she’s thinking and doing from her IG account, which is ridiculous!  People only put the best versions of themselves on social media, when my ex broke up with me my posts seemed as though I wasn’t phased by the breakup but in reality I was heart broken.  
 

Anyway, I don’t know what the right answer is here.  But if you feel you need to give this one more shot, then contact her (and yes you would have to be the one to do it, stop waiting for her to reach out to you) and ask her to meetup so you can discuss how you feel.  If she says no thanks, then you know you tried everything you could and you can start to move on.  You’re previous text saying you didn’t want any bad blood between the two of you did not translate as you wanted a second chance, so if that’s what you want you need to tell her.  Oh and btw rip up that list of demands.

I messaged her yesterday to meet up to chat and after a long time for her to think (she must have needed to sleep on it for some reason) she said she would but followed up with "have I said anything to mess up again?".

When I sent the message and was met with silence in a weird way a small part of me was hoping she said she didn't want to meet. I really want to be with her, but if she said no then at least there would have been a decision made that wasn't in my control. But now it's all in my hands and up to me to decide whether to try things again.

The list of demands is gone forever, don't worry! I'm not the kind of person to think like that and I am pretty easy going normally.

[spiderowl]

I have tried to see where exactly she lied to you but please could you explain?  You said you had heard she'd kissed a guy - did she deny doing this or something?  

It was early days in your relationship and, as far as I can see from what you have posted, you two were not committed.  She could therefore have seen herself as free to kiss another guy if she wanted to.  Obviously, I do not know what the 'agreement' was between you two at that point about the relationship.  She may have seen it as still dating guys with you being one of the ones she was interested in.  If that was the case, then she did something you are not at all happy with but in her eyes she had not made any promises to you so was not breaking any.

It does not sound to me as if she could rebuild the trust between you.  You have gone off the deep end at this - whatever it was - infidelity, so she knows how you are likely to react if she falls below your idea of perfect again.  If you had reacted with sadness, withdrawal, but not blame, she might have viewed this differently and taken a risk with you again.  As it is, she is not likely to risk you blowing up over anything she does in future.

I am not saying she is blameless - I do not know exactly what happened and what she told you about it.  I also do not know how committed the both of you were officially at the time.  Trust is very important.  If you feel you cannot trust her, or that she does not take this breach of trust seriously enough for you to take her at her word if she says she will not kiss another guy in future, then what choice have you got other than to separate?  There is no point giving her a list of trust-building rules - trust is something you either have or don't.  I have known people who have reunited after infidelity in marriages and in at least one case, they were not happy.  She was monitoring him and he was aware of it.  In a way, he may even have enjoyed his wife's extra attention as a result of his infidelity but I did not sense this was a happy resolution for either of them.

I would leave your ex alone.  If you two are meant to be together then you will find each other again at some point.  At the moment though, the situation is too raw for you and she must feel shocked too.  I don't think you can underestimate how great an impression your reaction must have made on her.  You need to clarify in your mind whether this was genuine infidelity or the playfulness of someone who was not yet committed.  Regardless, if you send someone packing like this, they are not likely to return unless totally convinced it is not going to happen again.

You have every right to expect fidelity from your partner, provided you both agree that that is what you expect at that stage of the relationship.  A partner who wishes for the same as you would not have difficulty being faithful to you.

[zincmagnesium8]

16 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I have tried to see where exactly she lied to you but please could you explain?  You said you had heard she'd kissed a guy - did she deny doing this or something?  

It was early days in your relationship and, as far as I can see from what you have posted, you two were not committed.  She could therefore have seen herself as free to kiss another guy if she wanted to.  Obviously, I do not know what the 'agreement' was between you two at that point about the relationship.  She may have seen it as still dating guys with you being one of the ones she was interested in.  If that was the case, then she did something you are not at all happy with but in her eyes she had not made any promises to you so was not breaking any.

It does not sound to me as if she could rebuild the trust between you.  You have gone off the deep end at this - whatever it was - infidelity, so she knows how you are likely to react if she falls below your idea of perfect again.  If you had reacted with sadness, withdrawal, but not blame, she might have viewed this differently and taken a risk with you again.  As it is, she is not likely to risk you blowing up over anything she does in future.

I am not saying she is blameless - I do not know exactly what happened and what she told you about it.  I also do not know how committed the both of you were officially at the time.  Trust is very important.  If you feel you cannot trust her, or that she does not take this breach of trust seriously enough for you to take her at her word if she says she will not kiss another guy in future, then what choice have you got other than to separate?  There is no point giving her a list of trust-building rules - trust is something you either have or don't.  I have known people who have reunited after infidelity in marriages and in at least one case, they were not happy.  She was monitoring him and he was aware of it.  In a way, he may even have enjoyed his wife's extra attention as a result of his infidelity but I did not sense this was a happy resolution for either of them.

I would leave your ex alone.  If you two are meant to be together then you will find each other again at some point.  At the moment though, the situation is too raw for you and she must feel shocked too.  I don't think you can underestimate how great an impression your reaction must have made on her.  You need to clarify in your mind whether this was genuine infidelity or the playfulness of someone who was not yet committed.  Regardless, if you send someone packing like this, they are not likely to return unless totally convinced it is not going to happen again.

You have every right to expect fidelity from your partner, provided you both agree that that is what you expect at that stage of the relationship.  A partner who wishes for the same as you would not have difficulty being faithful to you.

Yes, she denied she ever kissed the guy. I asked her if she ever kissed someone while we were dating and she said no. Then I said even before we were official. Again denied it very strongly. I then recalled a 'hypothetical situation' where she may have been drunk in a bar. She says no again. Then I say the exact event and she keeps denying it and said she was only chatting to him. I wish I didn't let her keep digging the hole until I eventually told her that her friend told me (innocently and wasn't intended to damage the relationship).

I think I can get over the 'infidelity' if you want to call it that. I was just so hurt that she lied to me, someone I thought she loved.

I've started wondering to myself if I take things too seriously. Are there people out there that wouldn't see what happened as an issue? I'm sure there are. Maybe I need to relax a bit more as life is too short. I should have just put the lying down as her panicking, trying to save the relationship but she foolishly just went to far with it. I think I would have gotten over it pretty quickly if she just owned up to it straight away.

[Uptown182]

3 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Yes, she denied she ever kissed the guy. I asked her if she ever kissed someone while we were dating and she said no. Then I said even before we were official. Again denied it very strongly. I then recalled a 'hypothetical situation' where she may have been drunk in a bar. She says no again. Then I say the exact event and she keeps denying it and said she was only chatting to him. I wish I didn't let her keep digging the hole until I eventually told her that her friend told me (innocently and wasn't intended to damage the relationship).

I think I can get over the 'infidelity' if you want to call it that. I was just so hurt that she lied to me, someone I thought she loved.

I've started wondering to myself if I take things too seriously. Are there people out there that wouldn't see what happened as an issue? I'm sure there are. Maybe I need to relax a bit more as life is too short. I should have just put the lying down as her panicking, trying to save the relationship but she foolishly just went to far with it. I think I would have gotten over it pretty quickly if she just owned up to it straight away.

If she did this before you two were official then yea I don’t see the big deal, it may not feel good to hear but it’s not breakup worthy.  As far as her lying about it could’ve been she just didn’t want to hurt you unnecessarily.  I’m not saying she was right to lie, I’m just saying this wasn’t a crucial thing she had to come clean about.  If she did this while you two were serious then that’s a different story.  

[Ruby Slippers]

5 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I've started wondering to myself if I take things too seriously. Are there people out there that wouldn't see what happened as an issue? I'm sure there are. Maybe I need to relax a bit more as life is too short. I should have just put the lying down as her panicking, trying to save the relationship but she foolishly just went to far with it. I think I would have gotten over it pretty quickly if she just owned up to it straight away.

NO. Kissing some other dude then lying about it is CHEATING and LYING. Of all the infractions in love and romance, these are among the worst. 

You're minimizing it because you want it to work. But her actions said it all. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you'll never trust her again, so just end it. This way you can move forward and put it behind you.

[Beachead]

16 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Yes, she denied she ever kissed the guy. I asked her if she ever kissed someone while we were dating and she said no. Then I said even before we were official. Again denied it very strongly. I then recalled a 'hypothetical situation' where she may have been drunk in a bar. She says no again. Then I say the exact event and she keeps denying it and said she was only chatting to him. I wish I didn't let her keep digging the hole until I eventually told her that her friend told me (innocently and wasn't intended to damage the relationship).

I think I can get over the 'infidelity' if you want to call it that. I was just so hurt that she lied to me, someone I thought she loved.

I've started wondering to myself if I take things too seriously. Are there people out there that wouldn't see what happened as an issue? I'm sure there are. Maybe I need to relax a bit more as life is too short. I should have just put the lying down as her panicking, trying to save the relationship but she foolishly just went to far with it. I think I would have gotten over it pretty quickly if she just owned up to it straight away.

She lied to you over kissing some guy, while she was with you.   Whether it was early on in the relationship or later on is just a technicality which obscures the main point which is, if she could have gotten away with it, she would have , and you would have never known.  Who knows what else she would have done behind your back. 

You immediately knew that and that's why you were hurt by the lying.  You could never trust her again.   

Your reaction is justified and many would share in how you feel.  

- Beach

 

 

[zincmagnesium8]

She said she would message me yesterday about meeting because she wanted to see how her work week would play out before committing to a day. I told her there was no pressure in meeting and if I didn't hear from her there would be no hard feelings.

Last night she posted a few stories on Instagram which I viewed, including the last one which was her in somewhat revealing clothes. It was up for a short while before I viewed it, but then less than an hour later I noticed it disappeared because she hid her stories from me. I don't know if that was her way of saying "look at what you're missing" or what, but I took it as some sort of message.

She never reached out to agree a day to meet, so I've taken it that she has no interest in me any more. I've blocked her on Instagram and decided not to make contact with her again.

It's upsetting that it ended this way, but I can't hold on to something that isn't there any more.

[Wiseman2]

Good idea to block her and go no contact.

When someone hides thier social media content from you it means they know you are cyberstalking and are creeped out.

[Beachead]

Quote

It's upsetting that it ended this way, but I can't hold on to something that isn't there any more.

I can see by your current state of mind, you're beating yourself up a little bit.

The key to getting grieving this one out, will be negative reinforcement.  Focus on what ended the relationship and focus on the things she didn't do as well as well as the things did, that upset you during your time with her.   Going back to that list you wrote, it seems there were a lot, that you overlooked/.  You'll need to focus on that list and really think about how it impacted you.  In practicing this, you'll remain grounded and realistic about your situation, rather than allowing your guilt/doubts to distort it into a fantasy, of her being this perfect person that you lost.   

- Beach

 

[zincmagnesium8]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good idea to block her and go no contact.

When someone hides thier social media content from you it means they know you are cyberstalking and are creeped out.

I had second thoughts about blocking her as it may seem that I'm immature. Not the intention, I just don't want to have to be reminded of her every time I log on.

She only selectively hid certain things and has looked at all my posts so I doubt she thinks I'm cyber stalking.

2 minutes ago, Beachead said:

I can see by your current state of mind, you're beating yourself up a little bit.

The key to getting grieving this one out, will be negative reinforcement.  Focus on what ended the relationship and focus on the things she didn't do as well as well as the things did, that upset you during your time with her.   Going back to that list you wrote, it seems there were a lot, that you overlooked/.  You'll need to focus on that list and really think about how it impacted you.  In practicing this, you'll remain grounded and realistic about your situation, rather than allowing your guilt/doubts to distort it into a fantasy, of her being this perfect person that you lost.   

- Beach

Yeah you are right. It's difficult to paint someone in a negative light when up until a few weeks ago you hadn't a bad word to say about them.

What's really going to bug me is that we never had that last conversation. I thought that would clear everything up one way or the other. Now the last thing we ever said to each other was about meeting up and then *poof* - nothing.

[Beachead]

@zincmagnesium8

That's the thing.  Leaving her is the last thing you want to do and you'd do anything to go back to the way it was before.   You didn't want this but you were forced into doing it.   So even if you did "end it right" and clear the air, you might find something to dwell on or to hold onto, anyway, because by dwelling, you can stay connected in some way.   Maybe it'd be something she said in that conversation that might feed into your  hope for reconciliation.  Maybe you'll dwell on some regret you feel, realizing you left something you wanted to say out of the conversation, and now you want to contact her again to say it.  Whatever it is, it keeps you connected to her.   

Be real careful with yourself..your mind will try to deceive you into going back to a situation that may not be good for you.

Our minds, in this heartbroken state, function much like an addict, on withdrawal, looking to go back to the drug, because the high of it, takes the pain away, even though it is the source of your pain.   Just remember, even though the pain of disconnecting hurts you now, persevering through it will get you to a place where you are happier and healthier...whereas running back to the high (Her)..will keep you exactly as you feel right now..likely worse...because you won't be able to move passed her.  Time goes on and 4 years later you're still feeling just as miserable as you did on day 1.   Meanwhile, she'd have moved onto someone new.   But if you work through the pain now, you will process your situation and gain more and more clarity about it as time goes on and you will make peace with it.  Eventually you'll get back to being your best self again, with the added wisdom and experience of this situation, under your belt...something you will apply to your future.

Concentrate on now and proceed accordingly.

- Beach

Edited August 11, 2020 by Beachead

[Ruby Slippers]

47 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

What's really going to bug me is that we never had that last conversation. I thought that would clear everything up one way or the other. Now the last thing we ever said to each other was about meeting up and then *poof* - nothing.

This tells you, again, everything you need to know. Find emotional resolution within yourself. 

I recently had a few final email exchanges with my ex from 2 months ago. It didn't change a darn thing. Everything is exactly as it was when I asked him to leave.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

She never reached out to agree a day to meet, so I've taken it that she has no interest in me any more. I've blocked her on Instagram and decided not to make contact with her again.

I can see why you're disappointed. 

However, as you said, this is your sign that she's not that bothered about putting this back together. It's time to really let her go. 

[zincmagnesium8]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

@zincmagnesium8

That's the thing.  Leaving her is the last thing you want to do and you'd do anything to go back to the way it was before.   You didn't want this but you were forced into doing it.   So even if you did "end it right" and clear the air, you might find something to dwell on or to hold onto, anyway, because by dwelling, you can stay connected in some way.   Maybe it'd be something she said in that conversation that might feed into your  hope for reconciliation.  Maybe you'll dwell on some regret you feel, realizing you left something you wanted to say out of the conversation, and now you want to contact her again to say it.  Whatever it is, it keeps you connected to her.   

Be real careful with yourself..your mind will try to deceive you into going back to a situation that may not be good for you.

Our minds, in this heartbroken state, function much like an addict, on withdrawal, looking to go back to the drug, because the high of it, takes the pain away, even though it is the source of your pain.   Just remember, even though the pain of disconnecting hurts you now, persevering through it will get you to a place where you are happier and healthier...whereas running back to the high (Her)..will keep you exactly as you feel right now..likely worse...because you won't be able to move passed her.  Time goes on and 4 years later you're still feeling just as miserable as you did on day 1.   Meanwhile, she'd have moved onto someone new.   But if you work through the pain now, you will process your situation and gain more and more clarity about it as time goes on and you will make peace with it.  Eventually you'll get back to being your best self again, with the added wisdom and experience of this situation, under your belt...something you will apply to your future.

Concentrate on now and proceed accordingly.

- Beach

Some great words there. Thanks Beachead. I've been through a rough break up before. Rough because I wasn't willing to let go. Hopefully I have learnt my lesson this time round and can leave her behind now that I've drawn a line in the sand.

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This tells you, again, everything you need to know. Find emotional resolution within yourself. 

I recently had a few final email exchanges with my ex from 2 months ago. It didn't change a darn thing. Everything is exactly as it was when I asked him to leave.

I can understand and don't really know what I was expecting to get out of the conversation. I think I just wanted to see her again.

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I can see why you're disappointed. 

However, as you said, this is your sign that she's not that bothered about putting this back together. It's time to really let her go. 

I find it difficult to convince myself of that based on how good our relationship was before all this happened. I had no sense that she wanted things to end and she was so upset and apologetic when we had the breakup talk. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind throughout all this, but I'll never know now.

I know it's time to move on, but a little part of me thinks that she'll reach out someday. I just need to ignore that thought and find someone new that truly cares about me.

[rjc149]

This is so fresh and raw that of course you are finagling various ways in your head to make this work again, to bring it back to what it once was. Playing out the reconciliation, the dialogue, the new promises and commitments, all in an effort to cling to whatever shred of connection you still have to her. 

Which is fine, and understandable, when it's just in your head. 

Whether or not this was cheating, that's up for interpretation. In my opinion, if there is a boundary, official or not, that she knows she violated, it's cheating. She lied about it, demonstrating that she knew the boundary and violated it anyway. 

As a man, when you take a cheating girlfriend back, you communicate that you are weak, desperate, cannot enforce boundaries, don't respect yourself, don't have other options, and cannot walk away. By taking her back, you place her value much higher than your own value. She learns that there are no consequences for disrespecting you, implicitly giving her the green light to do it again.

She may cry and beg for another chance, and if you give it to her, there will be wonderful makeup sex after her tears have dried and she feels redeemed. But sooner or later, she will realize that her respect for you just took a nose dive. This is why you never, ever take a cheating woman back. And this is why it hurts when she cheats. You are happy and content in a relationship, and out of nowhere, it ends abruptly and permanently. 

You did the right thing and acted from a position of strength. You have to stay by your word and maintain your position. Women come and go, and no one woman is worth forfeiting your self-respect and dignity.

Time is better spent growing new relationships, not trying to repair relationships that are forever poisoned by resentment and distrust. Take time, be kind to yourself, and rest assured that your pain will pass and you will have your dignity intact. 

 

[gcp]

I know it’s painful, I’m going thru it right now myself, still look for “the one”.  But I see a silver lining.  Every heart break in the moment seems like the worst, I had thoughts that I’ll never find another or I will always be alone.  Guess what, I have found others to date, and while they haven’t been the one yet, I have faith that I will find some one who’s puzzle piece fits perfectly with mine.

keep your head up, be grateful for the experience and what you learned.  Trust the process.

Edited August 11, 2020 by gcp

[Uptown182]

7 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Some great words there. Thanks Beachead. I've been through a rough break up before. Rough because I wasn't willing to let go. Hopefully I have learnt my lesson this time round and can leave her behind now that I've drawn a line in the sand.

I can understand and don't really know what I was expecting to get out of the conversation. I think I just wanted to see her again.

I find it difficult to convince myself of that based on how good our relationship was before all this happened. I had no sense that she wanted things to end and she was so upset and apologetic when we had the breakup talk. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind throughout all this, but I'll never know now.

I know it's time to move on, but a little part of me thinks that she'll reach out someday. I just need to ignore that thought and find someone new that truly cares about me.

When you were breaking up with her was she asking you not to? Seems like she just accepted it too easily.  Although in fairness when my ex disappeared on me, I never contacted him again  and accepted pretty easily as well yet I was devastated so I guess you never know.   You will probably hear from her sometime in the future but it will hopefully be once you moved on.  I wouldn’t sit around waiting for her to contact you, which I’m sure you won’t.  
 

As far as social media goes, you can block her but if you feel that’s too much you can always just mute her posts so you won’t see any of her posts or stories in your feed.

[zincmagnesium8]

12 hours ago, rjc149 said:

This is so fresh and raw that of course you are finagling various ways in your head to make this work again, to bring it back to what it once was. Playing out the reconciliation, the dialogue, the new promises and commitments, all in an effort to cling to whatever shred of connection you still have to her. 

Which is fine, and understandable, when it's just in your head. 

Whether or not this was cheating, that's up for interpretation. In my opinion, if there is a boundary, official or not, that she knows she violated, it's cheating. She lied about it, demonstrating that she knew the boundary and violated it anyway. 

As a man, when you take a cheating girlfriend back, you communicate that you are weak, desperate, cannot enforce boundaries, don't respect yourself, don't have other options, and cannot walk away. By taking her back, you place her value much higher than your own value. She learns that there are no consequences for disrespecting you, implicitly giving her the green light to do it again.

She may cry and beg for another chance, and if you give it to her, there will be wonderful makeup sex after her tears have dried and she feels redeemed. But sooner or later, she will realize that her respect for you just took a nose dive. This is why you never, ever take a cheating woman back. And this is why it hurts when she cheats. You are happy and content in a relationship, and out of nowhere, it ends abruptly and permanently. 

You did the right thing and acted from a position of strength. You have to stay by your word and maintain your position. Women come and go, and no one woman is worth forfeiting your self-respect and dignity.

Time is better spent growing new relationships, not trying to repair relationships that are forever poisoned by resentment and distrust. Take time, be kind to yourself, and rest assured that your pain will pass and you will have your dignity intact. 

 

You are probably right. I think deep down the trust would be gone and things would never be the same for either of us, but I have been clinging onto that small chance that everything will be okay and work itself out. I find it hard to walk away when there's even a tiny chance that it could work out.

9 hours ago, gcp said:

I know it’s painful, I’m going thru it right now myself, still look for “the one”.  But I see a silver lining.  Every heart break in the moment seems like the worst, I had thoughts that I’ll never find another or I will always be alone.  Guess what, I have found others to date, and while they haven’t been the one yet, I have faith that I will find some one who’s puzzle piece fits perfectly with mine.

keep your head up, be grateful for the experience and what you learned.  Trust the process.

I've only had two heartbreaks in my life. The first was much worse, but I did find love again. But it did take a long long time. I just hope I can recover a lot quicker this time.

5 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

When you were breaking up with her was she asking you not to? Seems like she just accepted it too easily.  Although in fairness when my ex disappeared on me, I never contacted him again  and accepted pretty easily as well yet I was devastated so I guess you never know.   You will probably hear from her sometime in the future but it will hopefully be once you moved on.  I wouldn’t sit around waiting for her to contact you, which I’m sure you won’t.  
 

As far as social media goes, you can block her but if you feel that’s too much you can always just mute her posts so you won’t see any of her posts or stories in your feed.

She never said not to break up with her. That's probably a very obvious sign that she just wasn't that into me but I chose to ignore it. She was very sorry, upset and said that she never loved anyone as much as she loved me. I read those as signs that she didn't want it to end without actually saying it. In her defense, I did tell her that this is final and that there's no chance of this working out.

I've blocked her on social media but I still need to resist the urge of checking in on her profiles through a browser as I can still access them that way.

Every empty thought is filled with her. How do I get her out of my head? I've looked back and made a list of all your negative traits and what was wrong with the relationship, which was a surprisingly long list, but even still I miss her and think of what could have been. Is time the only cure?